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“You gotta fake it till make it.”

To be honest I hate this quote.
It is telling people that it is okay to pretend that they don’t have a problem.
It is telling people that they can’t make it on their own without pretending to be someone who they aren’t.
This quote is saying to hide what is going on until things get better.

So to the person in the abusive relationship.
Just pretend that your partner isn’t beating the **** out of you every night.
Or they aren’t degrading you into self loathing.
Or that they aren’t destroying your mental state with threatening that they will **** themselves or you if you leave.

So to the kid suffering from depression just hide those cuts on your wrist and paste on a happy face until you actually feel happy.

So to the kid suffering from an eating disorder just don’t look into a mirror until you feel like you can actually love yourself.

This quote is saying that we need to forget our problems and not talk about them because it might make the people around us uncomfortable.
Or that it isn’t okay to have the problems that we have.
This quote is degrading and sending a horrible message.
This quote is basically saying what was said about the abusive relationship, mental illness, and eating disorders.
Some background on why I wrote this. I strongly hate the quote "Fake it till you make it." on anything along those lines. I gave off a few reasons why I hate it. But on the abusive relationship, the self-harming kid, and the kid dealing with an eating disorder. If you know or you are one or more of these people in that situation. I beg of you DO NOT fake it till you make it. Please contact someone you trust and ask for help. You are strong. You don't need to be in that abusive relationship. You are stronger now then what happened to make you have those scars on your body. And you are beautiful/handsome and I hope one day you will be able to believe it it will take time to believe it. Thank you to those who read all the way to the end of this. Have a great day and remember. I may not know you but I care about you. I am always here if you need someone to talk to or to point you to a hotline if you need it.
Я вас любил: любовь еще, быть может,
В душе моей угасла не совсем;
Но пусть она вас больше не тревожит;
Я не хочу печалить вас ничем.
Я вас любил безмолвно, безнадежно,
То робостью, то ревностью томим;
Я вас любил так искренно, так нежно,
Как дай вам Бог любимой быть другим.


I loved you: and perhaps this flame
Has not gone out completely in my soul;
No longer shall it ever cause you pain;
I do not want to sadden you at all.
I loved you frantically, without reserve,
At times too jealous, and at times too shy,
I pray to God you get what you deserve -
Another man with love as true as mine.
I do not own this writing. Nor do I claim to own this writing. This is by one of my favorite Russian Poets. It was writtwn in 1829 by Alexander Pushkin. A well known Russian poet. I love his work and wanted to share it.
To those who have depression you know that it fills our minds with dark thoughts of our past, present, and future.
It makes us second guess why we are still alive.
It takes a strong iron grip on our chest and makes us struggle to get out of bed in the morning and makes us choke on words like "I am fine." Or "Don't worry I will be okay in time."
It twists the positive words we hear to form negitive thoughts of self-doubt and self-loathing.
It makes us want to hurt ourselves till we can't hear the words of hatred anymore.
It consumes our souls that were once bright and cheerful and turns them into darkness and sorrow.

To those who do not have depression do not understand why we can't just be happy.
They don't understand that every day is a battle of life and death.
They do not understand the effort it takes to get out of bed in the morning and to face another day.

To those who do not know that the words they say hurt us.
We take your words seriously.
When you tell us "Go **** yourself." We actually want to.

To those who don't know that they just forced a peer of theirs in the closet when you said, "If I saw a *** I would beat them up." It makes it harder for them to accept who they are.

To those who don't understand why people with eating disorders hate themselves enought to starve themself or make themselves sick after they eat.
It is more then trying to be thin.
It is the cure to all our problems if we just don't eat this week.
Or we eat and make ourself sick.

To those who don't understand social anxiety.
Loud noises scare us.
Large groups of people freak us out.
Talking to new people makes us worry.
Socializing is difficult and doesn't come easy for like the rest of you.

To those who don't understand why we stay in that abusive relationship.
We feel like they will change.
They said they loved us.
They apologized and said it will never happen again.
They threatened to hurt themselves or us if we left.
They make us feel special at times.

To those who understand everything that was writen above and that has been through any of these things.
Please know this.
You are strong.
You are important.
You are beautiful/handsome/perfect.
You are a fighter.
You are a winner.
You are loved.
You are cared for.
You are amazing.
This is a very rough draft of a poem I am writing. If you have any edits or suggestion please comment them. I need some feed back on how to make this flow better and make it sound neater.
A drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But Im holding you closer than most cause you are my heaven
This is song lyrics that I like the writter is Ron. Its a great song.
Back up the day now
what did I do to get us to this point
Me losing you in this moment
i feel it, deep in my chest
i can't breathe
This is a song I feel in love with. Its called "Broken Yet Holding On" I don't know the author or the composer but it's a good song.
Dear ******, you have took so much from me.
You took my will to live.
You took my pride.
You took my faith in humanity.
You took my virginity at the age of 13.
You took my innocences.
You took my safty.
Dear ******, you have destroyed me.
You destroyed my life.
You ruined who I was then.
Dear ******, you have made me live in fear.
I suffer from PTSD because of you.
I suffer from depression.
I suffer from anxiety.
Dear ******, I trusted you and you used that against me.
Goodbye my ****** I hope you enjoy rotting in that cell for what you have done to me.

By: Ash Von Stein
I have been ***** over 5 times in my life. When I was 13 was the first one when it happened. That man was the only one that got what he deserved. The rest are still free because there wasnt enough evidence to put them away. I have lived my life in fear because of these people. I blamed myself every day. After five years I am finally coming to terms with what has happened to me.
Over 5 broken rids in 2 years of binding them.
Over 10 beatings by my peers for going in the wrong bathroom.
Over a 1,000,000 tears cries.
Over a 1,000 prayers not heard.
Over a 12 friends left  because I came out.
Over a 1,000 fights with my parents on losing a daughter but gaining a son.
Over 200 cuts on my arms due to wishing I was normal.
Over 29 burn marks to wanting to please others.
Over 10,000 smiles when I put on my chest binder.
Over 900 recognition of me being male instead of female.
Only 1 life I live to be who I am in MY journey.
My stats on coming out I may add more later on.
Darkness all around.
It consumes me slowly.
I feel so empty all the sudden.
No warning just darnkness and emptiness.
Death fills my every thought.
She tries to help.
Nothing helps.
No one can get rid of the unexplainable darkness that resides behind my eyes and above my neck.
No one can help me.
The only thing I can see as I hear the words “**** yourself.”
The only thing I can feel as I take the blade from the workbench.
The only thing I can taste. The salt the bitterness of the things they tell me to do.
Manic depression episode
The thing that I go into when I heard those two words.
The only thing that is warped but completely on track for me.
The only thought in my head and I never knew what suicide was at the point in life.
Sorry this one is bad. I am not good at writing in the morning
A flame that burns in all of us.
This burning feeling in our hearts that consume us in warmth.
Our fire burns like a wild forest fire once born.
As years past people come into our lives and dump water onto our fire.
Slowly putting it out.
Some people's fire burns out quicker in life.
Other's keeps burning till the very end.
My fire is nothing but a candle light.
One more drop of water it will be out.
The warmth in my heart will die.
The fire will be nothing but a memory.
He tries to light my candle.
But I can't trust another person.
His fire is dying as well.
The water has coldened his heart.
I will use the little fire in my heart to get him going.
My fire is not important.
He is my life.
His fire.
His life.
Is my main concern.
A flame that burns in all of us.
This burning feeling in our hearts that consume us in warmth.
This is a work in progress. It still needs editing and all that. But i like it.
It can happen any place any time.
The feeling of you not being who you are or what you want.
The iron grip in your chest telling you that you are wrong.
The darkness in your heart telling you that this is not what you are.
Feeling that you are a girl when you are meant to be a guy.
Feeling like a guy when you are meant to be a girl.
Feeling like you will never get to the point of being who you want to be.
Feeling alone in the battle of this of identity  and your soul.
Alone you feel and nothing can fix it.
But it will slowly go away in time.
Leaving you woth little confidence and power to make it through the day.
Gender Dysphoria happenes to a lot of people. Not just transgender people. But gender fluid and gender queer. And a whole lot more people out there.
I look into their eyes and I see my future, once they close with a tear in their eye I know I broke them.
I know I have waisted my breath and lost them anyway.
Time is dying and so am I.
This is goodbye.
I just broke up with my girlfriend whom I love very much.
The feeling I get when I am with her and the only one I have felt it towards.
Something that I can never feel towards her.
The overwhelming feeling when I am next to her and by her side.
When I kiss her I just want to kiss her forever and hold her close to me.
I will stay loyal to her and never stray from her.
I wrote this about my current girlfriend.
The wind is bellowing throught our hair.
We stand there in silence as we stare at each other.
We say no words for they can not form what we try to mean.
We are speechless.
Time slows down around us.
And then we speak and the sparks fly.
I don't know I am just writing.
Depression Hot Line:

Suicide Hot Line:

Life Line:

Sexuality Support:

Eating Disorders Hot Line:

**** and ****** Assault:

Grief Support:

1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-400

Exhale: After Abotion Hot Line/ProVoice:
These are some of the hotlines i feel need to be shared. If you need anything please dont hesitate to call one of these hotlines or message me i am certified in suicide counseling.
Depression Hot Line:

Suicide Hot Line:

Life Line:

Sexuality Support:

Eating Disorders Hot Line:

**** and ****** Assault:

Grief Support:

1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-400

Exhale: After Abotion Hot Line/ProVoice:
I know I have posted this before but I will keep reposting this every few months to help people who might need these. You are not weak if you need these.
I miss her smell.
It calms me down when I am panicked and anxious. The smell helps me feel safe and helps me sleep.
I miss her touch.
The feeling of her touching my arms or just holding my hand makes my emotions rage throughout my body.
I miss her being around me.
It keeps me safe just being next to her. We don’t even need to talk or communicate but just knowing that in the silence that we both care for each other and we can sit in silence without it being awkward.
I miss her so much.
I lost her.
I tried making up for what I have done.
What have I done to get to this point?
I ******* up I know and I regret what I said.
I regret what I did to her. But I want to take it all back but I can't.
Please forgive me one day.
I know what I did was wrong and I tried fixing it but I guess I hurt her too much.
PLEASE know I am sorry.
I was an ******* to my ex girlfriend and i tried to make up for it but sje kept shooting me down.
The darkness makes the the empty soul that wonders aimlessly trying to find something to save it. Something that will give it meaning once more. The soul wonders the dark world it once walked before tragedy struck it's iron grasp on them. The soul walks the back streets of the town it once called home. It returned to the dark school that took it's life in the first place. The soul walked the abandon halls once more before students enter the building. They visited the place where they died. There was someone there. Someone at the wondering souls memorial. A girl cries while on her knees and her head in her hands. She is weeping over the one that lost their soul. The wondering soul walks over and places a hand on the girls shoulder. She looks up and see the spirit of the one that had died no more then a day ago. There was a light in her eyes. The soul spoke quietly and quickly and asked for forgiveness. And the girl held the souls hand and spoke simply, " I forgive you." The soul felt the light and the freedom from the earth. The soul kissed her hand and just disappeared.
This is a story I wrote in the 8th grade
"Love" By: Anna Akhamtova


То змейкой, свернувшись клубком,
У самого сердца колдует,
То целые дни голубком
На белом окошке воркует,

То в инее ярком блеснёт,
Почудится в дреме левкоя...
Но верно и тайно ведёт
От радости и от покоя.

Умеет так сладко рыдать
В молитве тоскующей скрипки,
И страшно её угадать
В ещё незнакомой улыбке.



First, as a serpent, it’ll cast its spell
Next to your heart, curled up.
Then, it’ll come as a dove, as well,
Cooing for days, nonstop.

In the frost, it’ll show itself curtly,
Or in the drowsing field of carnations…
To escort you covertly and firmly
Away from all rest and elation.

In the prayer of a violin yearning,
So sweetly, it’ll sob for a while,
And how frightening it is to discern it
In a yet unfamiliar smile.

Translated by: Andrey Kneller
I do not own this writing nor do I claim to own this writing. This is a poem from another one of my favorite Russian poets if you haven't guessed her name is Anna Akhamtova. I did not translate this poem into English so sorry if the translation is off. But I love how she used her words to show how love is. Sorry that I keep saying the name of the original author but I just don't want to take credit for something that isn't mine.
Look into the mirror.
Look at your reflection.
See the beauty that is you.
Tell yourself that you are strong.
Tell yourself that you are beautiful.
Hold your head up high.
Love yourself.
To love yourself is to love yourself as a whole.
I sit here listening to sad songs remembering what we had.
I listen to the lyrics for the first time and they discribe my pain to a tee.
I cry myself to sleep thinking about how I have hurt you.
But that doesn't mean anything to you now.
I am still that monster you once saw.
I am still that demon in your past as you grow up past the things we had.
I am just a faded memory no longer being used to make you happy.
I wish I could say sorry and it would all go way, but it doesn't work like that.
About someone in my life.
Their heart speaks when their mouth can not form any words.
Their actions speak louder than any words that can come out of their mouth.
They bite their tongue to keep the peace.
They just think to themselves about the will to fight.
They continue the day silent.
They take the abuse of other people’s words.
They listen to each and every syllable that stabs them in the chest.
The wounds slowly **** them as the peers shoot them down.
I used to be a mute for 10 years of my life. I never spoke at school or at home. It was easier not talking then talking. But I finally met someone that got me out of my shell my freshman year of high school.
He smells like heaven to me.
His lips are soft but firm.
They are inviting.
He is gentle but i felt he wanted more.
I had this urge to never break away from the kisses.
I had these feelings of utter happiness overwhelm my body when he got close to me.
His hand fit perfectly in mine.
His eyes are mesmerizing to me.
His face is carved into the perfect features.
His nose is so cute.
He is just so perfect I am so surprised that he wasn't taken when I met him.
This is about my current boyfriend. He is amazing and a great guy.
You will always be the light in my world, even when you think you are a ray of darkness.
You will always be my shining star.
You will always be my Sunshine.
This is just my feelings toward my girlfriend
They make him smile.
Their eyes shows him a story.
Their heart speaks the words that their mouth can not form.
The blush that rises on their face tells him the truth.
Their words mean something to him.
I sit alone in the cold feeling the ice hit my skin making little red marks appear on my arm.
No one listens to the cries of someone who's mind is too dark for their safety.
No one lends a hand to help the ones that have fallen down from the weight of the world.
Listen to the words of the voiceless and hear the words of the deaf.
I sit in this lone hallway. No noises but the clicking of passerby foot steps. No one hears my cries for freedom from the darkness in my mind. I wish the blood that spills from my wrist spoke enough to show those I'm suffering alone.

I sit in this lone hallway. No noises but my thoughts that take over my sanity. I begin to panic and that's when I can't handle life anymore. This school feels more like a tomb every second I stay here.

I sit in this lone hallway. No noises but my shallow cries. They go unnoticed, unheard, unattended, and untreated. Emptiness fills my soul. Killing the love I once knew. Killing me slowly with awful words.

I sit alone in this lone hallway. Nothing around but my demons. They slowly torture me while I sit here. All alone. I cry out, I claw at my wrist for help... but no one is there.
Darkness consumes the best of us please help each other out and use kind words not just here but in school or at work.
I am so used to pain.
So many of us are.
I am so used to people leaving me for being who I am.
I am so used to being abused and *****.
I am used to be taken advantage of.
I am so used to feeling alone.
I am so used to being stabbed in the back.
I am so used to being put down.
I am so used to being hurt by those I love.
To those who are used to pain you are not alone.
Missing her kills me.
Knowing my word means nothing to her.
Nothing will bring her back.
The tears that I cry won't.
The pain in my heart won't.

The cuts on my arms mean nothing.
They don't mean I am safe or not.
They don't mean I am free or held down.
They mean I am dying on the inside.
Trying to get out of this body that holds me here.

The apologize are for nothing.
I'm losing you and it's effortless.
I'm in over my head with problems.
But she never fails to be there in my mind.

I lost her, now I am dying everyday for what we had.
This is my goodbye to you and her.
I sit here trying to be quiet.
I sit here trying not to yell at someone.
I sit here holding back tears and fears.
I sit here with rushing thoughts of death.
I sit here biting my tongue.
I sit here and listen to their words go in one ear and out the other.
I sit here trying to keep calm.
I sit here with dreadful feelings.
I sit here alone.
I sit here in class and no one sees how bad it is.
I sit here and no one cares about the ones with darkness in their heart.
He looks at her with hungry eyes wanting to taste her.
He wants to feel how wet she is between his fingers.
He wants to feel the flushness on her face while he plays with her.
He wants to taste her neck as he messes with her.
He wants her so bad it hurts.
He wants to give her that feeling that he gets when she teases him.
He wants to f* her with every fiber of his being. Not in a bad way but in a way that he wants to show her how much he loves her. And how beautiful her body truly is.
He wants to hear her moans and feel her grip tighten as he speeds up and goes deeper.
He wants to feel free with her. To feel something he never felt with the others. To feel passionate love that so many has told him about.
He wants to feel free and in control.
He wants to feel her body against his. The pressure the feeling of being so close that the fine hairs on their bodies intertwine.
Sorry that this is a bit longer than the normal stuff I write but this is just my feelings.
I have to pretend like she means nothing to me, but whenever I see her I want to kiss her and hold her.
I have to pretend like I am over her, but on the inside I still love her with all my heart and soul.
I have to pretend like the memories have faded to nothing.
I have to pretend like I can move on with my life, but she is still everything I think about.
I have to pretend that I dont care about what happenes to her, but I still do.
I have to pretend that she is just a friend to me, but I want to be more then that again.
I have to pretend that the words I say don't mean a thing, when I call her cute or when I call her ***.
I have to pretend that I dont love her like I used to but my heart still beats for her.
I am not over her. I still love her but I can't say goodbye.
Do you remember when you loved me?
Do you remember when you were my everything?
Do you remember that you had me around your little finger?
Well remember this.
I am free from your grasp.
This is about my first girlfriend
Смерть не так уж далека. Мы прошли нашу дату смерти, не зная об этом. Тем не менее мы отмечаем наш день рождения каждый год.

Death is not so far away. We passed our date of death, not knowing about it. Nevertheless, we celebrate our birthday every year.
I am fluent in russain my english is okay but I write better in russain. The translation is below.
"I was her's but she was never mine to begin with..."

Sorry forgot to give credit to the original writer event tho they are unknown still felt bad i did that.
"Some names will always taste bitter."
I dont know the original author but enjoy
The smoke fills my lungs.
I let it enter my body and let it control my thoughts.
I am a prisoner of the smoke I inhale.
Being weighed down, craving it's embrace.
One more drag I say to no advale to stop for it has consumed me.
I started smoking cigarettes at the age of fifteen i am now eighteen and my addiction has only gotten worse.
He watches them.
He follows behind just out of sight.
He contacts them trying to get with them.
He harrases them until he get what he wants.
He finally can't take the distance.
He attacks them.
He assaults them.
He violates them.
He leaves them in the park alone crying.
He gets what he wants and still wants more.
He abuses them.
This is about my stalker I have. This is for a mature audience. Trigger Warning ahead. My stalker ***** me one day and left me there crying. He still follows me after three years of stalking me. He hasn't given up on me. He doesn't respect me and he abuses me when he sees me in the halls of my school.
They take a step closer to their partner.
Their partner shoves them away.
"Leave me alone, you have only hurt me."
They hold their head in shame and walk away.

At home they hold a gun.
Hand shaking and tears streaming down their face.
They scream, "I DON'T MEAN TO HURT YOU."


They fall to the floor. With their last breath they spoke these words...

"I am just a person. I loved you but I broke you. I am sorry."

The next day rumors spread that someone killed themself.
Their partner finds out...
They fall to the floor crying.
They whimper and say, "Please forgive me. This is all my fault."
Don't blame yourself for someone else's actions. You have no control over them. You may have been the last person they talked to but that doesn't mean you caused them to do this. It was their choice. They couldn't continue for one reason or another. But know it is not your fault.
I sit here with a knife in my hand.
Ready to die. Ready to meet my maker.
I send out one last text. "Goodbye forever".

They reply, "Stop messing with me I am sick of it."
That was the last straw.
I was not worth it.

He took the knife and plunged it into his beating heart.
He twisted it.
Screamed out in agony.
Collapsing to the floor.
Tears dry on his face as he watches his life flash before his eyes.

He said his last words to them.
He left his family.
He left his friends.
He gave up his future.

18 years old, Transgender, Fencer, Artist, Writer, volunteer, babysitter, friend, Son, peace maker, lover, and singer.

Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, Bi-polar Depression, PTSD, and Bi-polar.

He suffered alone.
He no longer could suffer through hell.
Knowing they didn't care.
Suicide is not a joke. Please be gentle. Anything could trigger someone over the edge to hurt themself. So please choose your words carefully.
I hold this blade on my already tattered wrist.
Just waiting to feel pain and relief.

I walk the dark streets at 4 in the morning at winter,
just to feel the cold air on my warm skin.

I walk alone I die alone everyday,
dreaming she will never get over me.
This is about my current girlfriend
The pain of the needle sticking me.
The sweat of my hands.
The tensions of my muscles as I deal with the pain in my hip.
The gratitude going through it.
The outcome is what I was looking forward to.
I got a tattoo on my birthday
"I love you with ever broken piece of me."
~ Unknown
He looks in to their eyes.
Dumbfounded at the story they tell.
He looks at the pain that resides behind their eyes.
He stares at them in awe at what they have to say. At what they have to tell him.
He watches the flash of pain to suffering to happiness.
He watches the moments that are dark to the moments that bring them peace.
He hugs the person and tells them not to fear for they are not alone anymore.
It slips past us like sand slipping through the fingers of a child.
It holds our greatest wonders and our greatest fears.
"It will pass in time."
It is a consept of our minds.
The seconds turn to minutes the minutes turn to hours.
We can not grasp it.
Nor see it.
But it is something we live by.
Today you may have went to school.
Tomorrow you may go back.
But the next day you may not.
Time is never ending but always moving and changing.
It is time to say goodbye to this night and say hello to the following day.
I don't really know why I wrote this. But I did.
To those days spending endless nights in my head with nothing but happy thoughts.
To those days spending countless hours running and playing with my friends.
To those days filled with happiness.
To those days where I was ignorant to the world around me.
When I didn't know.

To now.
Spending these endless nights with silent tears.
Spending countless hours with my fears of the world around me.
Spending every night awake with my horrible thoughts.
Spending these days hiding who I am.
Spending countless hours thinking of those who don't think about me.
To these endless nights the seamlessly flow to another day.
To these nights of pain.
To These Nights.
When I was little you told me I could be anything I wanted.
No one looked twice when I shopped in the boys section,
When I wore dark blues and grays instead of pink,
When I played in the mud or with other boys,
When I refused to hear my hair down,
Or when I siad I thought I was a boy.

When I got older you no longer thought it cute but we're not worried quite yet.
You told me that the lumps on my chest were beautiful despite my protests.
You told me that I would change and thag being a tomboy was temporary.
You told me that one day I would love dresses, pink, and makeup.
You told me that I woulf grow out of it soon enough even though I told yoy I wouldn't.

In the final years of high school you began to worry and I began to breathe as things became clear.
You noticed that not once have I worn a dress since you stopprd forcing me to.
You noticed my web pages I left open that read Top surgery or Testosterone.
You noticed the lumps on my chest grew smaller as I bought better binders.
You noticed my hair steadily becoming shorter after every single haircut.
You noticed the letter on the counter that read a few simple word. If yoy haven't noticed... I'm transgender.
And now it feels like you have forgotten my past and only focus upon your unfounded fears.
And now it seems you’re more afraid of gaining a son than you are loosing your daughter.
And now it seems you refuse to acknowledge that this is not a phase.
And now it seems you disregard my feelings to comfort yourself.
And now it seems you’re blindness is killing me.
And now it seems you refuse to look.

I’m sorry that it isn’t a phase like you had originally thought or so desperately hope now.
I’m sorry that this is hard for you… even though it is harder for me.
I’m sorry I’m your son and not your daughter.
I’m sorry that I embarrass you and Dad.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry that I’m transgender.
I’m sorry that I’m not normal.
I’m sorry…
I’m sorry.
I climb out of the hole the dug for me.
I open my eyes to tge harsh light of the new world.
I pat my body feeling if I am alive.
WAIT... whats this the ***** of fat on my chest are gone.
I feel something where they should be.
A scar.
They dug my grave for I was born in the wrong body and I try so hard to fix it.
I used to bind my chest everyday it hurt so much.
Just words that come to mind that filled my head and created a story.
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