ajp: Poems

12w

ajp Apr 2015

12w

Give me something to numb
Without it being written on
My body

#self #harm #sad #depression #pain #12w

battles

ajp Jun 2014

battles

How is that when I cut instead of taking my own life, it's a battle won
But when I try not to cut and to get better, I lose the battle?

Late night thoughts.

#life #help #cut #latenight #battles

Before I Die

ajp Sep 2014

Before I Die

August 23, 2014 12:25 pm

All I want to do before I die
Is to write something so
beautiful, people leak
emotions from their eyes
and sigh with huffs of
wind strong enough
to be heard
from London.
I want to put life back
into eyes of the
broken.
I want all of these
rotten human beings
to feel something other
than the numbness
and anger that
consumes their
soul

#broken #anger #life #beautiful #goal

broken heart by daddy

ajp May 2015

broken heart by daddy

Daddy,
you broke my heart before any boy had a chance to.

He also took the special thing from me that I was saving for my soul mate

#sad #depression #hate #why #brokenheart #losttrust

Can't Sleep

ajp Apr 2015

Can't Sleep

heavy eyes droop
down
but heartache
props them open.

#sad #depression #lonely #eyes #night #heartache

drowning

ajp Jun 2014

drowning

your love was
saving
me
but it was also
drowning
me

#love #sad #help #drowning

Even when the solar system disappears

ajp Aug 2015

Even when the solar system disappears

Maybe one day the stars will go out,
And the moon will explode,
But let me tell you this:
I will still love you.

#love #moon #beauty #stars #explode

expressing emotion is something you can't

ajp Sep 2014

expressing emotion is something you can't

but maybe the problem is, you love too
hard and hate too soft. you don't know how
to express your emotion, you never did.

(c) Aiyana Farber 2014

#love #hate #emotion #soft

golden silver

ajp Apr 2015

golden silver

Silence is golden,
but I prefer silver.

#gold #silence #silver

habit

ajp Apr 2015

habit

Spark.
A flame ignites.
The dark fills up with a glow.
White held into the flame.
It starts to burn.
Smoke floats lazily towards up.
Red tip hot.
Inhaled.
Lungs filled.
Exhaled.
Delicious burning.
Sweet destruction.

#smoke #cigarettes

i believe you. not

ajp Jun 2014

i believe you. not

you say you care and i believe you.
but it is temporary.
when i don’t tell you what is wrong you drop it.
and you don’t bring it up again.
so don’t say you care.
because i know you don’t.

#sad #care #temporary

Ignoring a presence.

ajp Nov 2014

Ignoring a presence.

How do I ignore you when
you're right next to me?
God ****** we keep bumping elbows.
I can't blast my music
loud enough to tune out
your presence.

#sad #depression #pain #help #ignored

inconstant

ajp Jul 2014

inconstant

I was like the moon

always changing.
a.f

#feelings #moon #me

Its coming back.

ajp Jul 2014

Its coming back.

The scary thing about
d e p r e s s i o n
is that you k n o w
when that t h i c k,
                                 b l a c k,
                                               b l a n k e t
is coming
             b a c k
but you c a n ' t do
a n y t h i n g
                     about it.

#sad #depression #help

its not fair

ajp May 2014

its not fair

its not fair
that when i cry over you
you smile over someone else.

#love #sad #cry #fair #sadsmile

Late night thoughts

ajp Aug 2014

Late night thoughts

When you look at me,
Are you really looking at me?
Or areyou just looking through me?

#seeing #looking #latenightthoughts

Love is saving but also killing.

ajp May 2014

Love is saving but also killing.

love
saves
but
love
also
*kills

#love #sad #help #me

missing you

ajp Apr 2015

missing you

missing you
is like swimming
underwater.
at first you're
fine, but the
longer you go
without air,
the bigger the
ache and the strain
grows.
pretty soon your
body is begging
for it but you can't
get it.
in my case,
its my soul
that is missing you.

#love #friends #sad #best #missing

my 2:00 am.

ajp May 2014

my 2:00 am.

you
were
my
2:00 am

but
not
the
kind
i
needed.

#sad #need #2am

My 2 am

ajp Sep 2014

My 2 am

You
Were
My
2 am
But
Not
The
Kind
I
Needed

(c) Aiyana Farber 2014

#sad #memories #2am

pelting rain

ajp Jun 2014

pelting rain

the pelting rain
is nothing compared
to the pounding of my heart

#sad #heart #rain

Selfish

ajp Nov 2014

Selfish

Is it selfish of me to
thank God that he
has not taken her
out of her misery?

#sad #depression #help #pan

[ Shh, don't talk to me ]

ajp Apr 2015

[ Shh, don't talk to me ]

Shh, don't talk to me.
Please. I'd rather be with the moon
Bottles line up with emotion.
Stored away in the back cellar.
Journals and journals
cluttered the bookshelves.
Not trusting anyone but the
lovely pages.
Don't ask me if I'm alright.
I only want the moon.

#alone #quiet #shy

Shut up!

ajp Nov 2014

Shut up!

Shut up, won't you please?
Don't you see,
your words are killing me.
They cut into my body,
making my breath choppy.
I hear you laughing with that girl
who sits in front of you while I'm that
girl who sits next to you.
Shut up so I can live and not die.

This is ****** with a bit of rhyming

#hate #help #breathing #struggling #exbestfriends

Sorry

ajp Sep 2014

Sorry

But god ******
Don't tell me to
Not be sorry
Because my whole
Life is one big sorry
And if you tell
Me you're awake
At 3 am listening
To Beethove while
Crying into your
Boyfriend's t-shirt
Then ****** let
Me be sorry Because
You're my happiness

This is about my best friend.

#sad #crying #3am #beethoven

spilled secrets

ajp Mar 2015

spilled secrets

Spilled secrets,
spreading;
a glass of water
dropped on the floor.

#sad #lost #help #spilled #secrets

triggering

ajp Sep 2014

triggering

i was holding the g u n
but you were the t r i g g e r

(c) Aiyana Farber 2014

this was about me deciding if i wanted to follow through self harming and my mom was a big trigger so yeah

#gun #hate #selfharm #trigger #selfhate

You promised

ajp Sep 2014

You promised

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME.
YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD TRY TO HEAL
ME. BUT THEN YOU ******* LEFT ME ON MY
BATHROOM FLOOR, DROWNING IN MY OWN
TEARS AND BLOOD SHED BY MY OWN HAND
AND ****** IF I LIVE I WILL MAKE
SURE YOU FEEL MY PAIN

(c) Aiyana Farber 2014

#lost #blood #help #selfharm #hurting

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