Now that we're done

And now that you've left

I've come to think

See and breathe more clearly now

You see i now realize that i was just drunk

Addicted and high.

I was under your influence

But it has now cone to an end.

At every word they utter,
every time you suffer.
Everything they do,
you crush it under your shoe.
Accuses made,  
the price you pay.
Every time you you fall,
and hurt 'cause of them all.
Every time you've been set up ,
no matter what, you get up.
No matter how you try,
they always make you cry.
You write and store the up,
tie them up,
push it in,
cork it up.
But one day,
the cover wont fit,
and you're gonna
burst . . .

One lonely girl,
Isolated.
Many girls –
Students,
Few friends,
Where are they ?

Big room,
Cold air,
Shivering.
Dripping blood.
Shaking legs,
Restless.

Presenter..
Voice echoes,
Words fly,
None perch.
Maybe just a drops..
Like dew.

Little girl;
Sitting there,
Thoughts of you.
Take her hand .. ?

have you noticed that there's a r i g h t way to do things?
and that if you had done it any other way it would have been wrong?
have you noticed that certain things only match with certain things,
they fit just r i g h t?
and that's just how it is?
have you noticed there's a left and right on earphones,
and that the one designated for your left, doesn't fit good in the r i g h t?
have you also noticed that only your left hand fits the earphone in your left ear properly?
why is it that your left shoes only fits your left?
and your right shoes only fits your r i g h t?
why is it that your underwear can't be worn both front way and back way?
just as how your shirt can't be worn front way and back way?
why is it that the river flows to the sea,
and not the sea to the river?

don't you think i was made for you?
and you for me?
you see,
just as how the left glove fits perfect on the left hand and the right glove fits perfect on the r i g h t hand,
you were the r i g h t and perfect one for me and I for you.

Sometimes life is extremely ironic,
And laughs at us in our faces.

Like -
Going to church does not make you a Christian,
it won't hide the fact that you're a thief, a liar, a *** or gay.
Taking pills, won't suddenly shake you out of the state you're in,
it won't make you sane.
Placing your feelings and thoughts on paper
Does not make you a poet,
It doesn't not make you a writer.
Getting A's does not make you smart,
Neither do D's make you an idiot.
Clenching your fists and trying to fight back tears,
Won't take away the hurt,
It won't take away the pain,
It won't make you less of a crybaby
Because sometimes you're shattered,
And those tears
Come falling like a waterfall,
And nothing you do can stop it.


What's more sad is,
Having a significant other,
Whose smile is like the sun,
Whose eyes reminds you of coffee,
Whose lips taste feels like stroking icecream with
your tongue,
Except it's not cold,
And whose touch is like no other
Doesn't not cure your depression.
No matter how much sunlight they give off,
The sun always goes down,
It always makes way for the dark.
No matter how their eyes remind you of
something you love,
Sometimes you get lost in them,
And all you see is the reflection of someone you
sometimes detest.
No matter how much their lips feels smooth like
ice cream,
Sometimes mouths get tired, and all that reminds
you of are those that have gotten tired of you all
your life.
No matter how much their touch magic,
Sometimes you're reminded of
All the bad touches you've received in
your life.

You're my sun,
But I've always been dark,
You're the sun,
But sometimes all you can manage to do
Is dry up my rains.

No amount of sun can dry up my oceans,
to stop me drowning in the oceans of sadness inside of me.

-antxthesis

h.s. // 4:24am // 9/7/17 // some days the sun stops shining, some days the sun isn't enough

it's almost 1am and I'm wide awake
thinking about how i could never get you to stay,
how i could never get you to understand that you're important in every way.
thinking how did things end up this way
knowing there's no "right" thing to say
knowing though i see you everyday
things will never be the same.

and I'll forever remember our last "proper" conversation,
where you cried because of me leaving.

and I'll never know if those tears were genuine,
if you felt something tug at your heart
or you just didn't want to seem bad.
because in that moment,
all i could think about is how much i miss you,
though you were right there

because at that moment,
all i could feel was you slipping away
though you were in my arms

because at that moment
i realised, things will probably never be the same,                                  
because whatever we are, i still remember the way we were.

and I'm sorry for whatever i had done or whatever I had not done

because all i really wanted was to show you that love is actually real

wanted to show you that someone can actually care for you

wanted to make you happy,

wanted you to feel something you had never felt before

and I'm not angry, neither am i upset.
I am just confused, sad and bitter,
wishing you'd come home
wishing you would say why.

just want you to know that i miss you,
and whenever you're ready,
even if it's never
there'll still be room for us.
(h.s)

4:21am
hi, how are you? i hope you're okay. hope you're doing fine. I'm sorry, I've just been thinking as always. you've never said it, but I'm sure you've thought: "you think too much"

4:24am
these past days haven't been going easy you know, and i think you know why. I'm sorry, you're just always on my mind.

4:25am
I'm sorry, it's kind of cold, the fan's on and windows' ajar. was just wondering if you'd hold my hands, I've never felt your hands before, and you've never felt mine. I'm sure they feel like silk, (soft and smooth).


4:26am
i miss you and I'm sorry i came by so late. sorry i didn't know you before. sorry i didn't know you before things changed. sorry that our situation is just not right.

4:28am
it's getting late and I should be sleeping, but i just read something and now i can't take my mind off you.

4:30am
have i ever told you that i love your smile, and there's this "quiet" thing about you that i love. i hope you keep smiling, hope no one ever makes you cry. hope that you're always alright. one of us has to be.

4:32am
i wished things didn't end the way they did. i didn't predict our ending like this. didn't even predict an ending.

4:33am
wish it wasn't so hard seeing you. wish things would go back to normal, wish i could turn back the time to when we first met. ****, those were the best couple weeks of my life. i think they were the best for you too.

4:35am
i still reread our past conversations and they still make me laugh.

4:38m
it's getting late, and i don't know what to say. i love you? still do. and always will. true love never dies.
-h.s.

You walk around as if the whole world should bow at your feet,
As if you’ve done them a big favour,
As if you were crucified for us all
You act as if you own the world,
like the whole world’s in your hands
and you just love toying with it.
Do you think you’re God?
Refusing what you don’t want
And taking what you feel you ‘must’ have
It’s like you’ve made friends with everyone,
But still, you hoist yourself
Upon the highest rung on the ladder
Making it clear that you’re still above them
And they should take your order.
Look at that innocent girl,
trembling by your sight\even the plants are troubled,
whenever you pass by.
Eradicate us if you please,
But I’ll watch you beg at Jesus’ feet,
when from his sight

he says you should leave.

Maybe you’re wondering why,
Why is it so hard to pry inside,
Inside of me, inside my mind
The crevices the corners and  literally to pry inside – to get between my thighs.
Well what you see is what you get.
The first time you saw me I was with my sister and you said that
I was the one with attitude,  
And to be honest the look in our eyes was saying “I want to kiss her” (mysister)
But in the end,
Your lips were glued onto mine
Your arms around my waist.
But the smell of your girlfriend was still on your shirt
and to be frank,
I think you miss her.

Now we’re in the middle of nowhere,
You and I,
I’m lost but you seem found,
Seems as if I’m all you want
And it seems as if
not even my heart latched onto my ex’s heart could keep us apart.
I know it’s been months
but I still have hope,
I still have the string which tied our hearts,
and it’s worn and I know I should let go,
But sometimes I can see him,
Sometimes I feel him coming back
But when I get a reality check-
when someone pinches me-
when I wake up,
I realize it’s the ghost of our love in disguise.
Our love is dead gone and buried.
He has laid it to rest.
And I still visit the tombstone,
and I take roses in case the ghost of our love smells it,
and it revives you know, come back alive,
and I also cry,  
shed tears maybe they’ll drench through
and be enough to revive our love again.
I also laugh,
Because that’s how you taught me to deal with problems,
“Just laugh at them”
Maybe one day I’ll laugh too loud,
And my tummy and jawbone will hurt
And our love will revive again,
And I’ll see you popping out from behind a tree.
But those are just maybes.

---
And I’m sorry that I can’t give you my love,
I’m sorry that I can’t let you have my heart,
But I can’t let another man rip it apart.
At least let me take time to heal.
I’ll need more than a doctor and bandages.

it's been almost a month
and three weeks since you've left me,
and almost a month and
two weeks since you've gotten with her
and *******,
I've been waiting for you to take me back,
but you don't.

and trust me when I say
I truly am happy for you,
I am,
and I truly do think that she's better for you,
and I have no problem with you speaking of her,
but I can't help but feel a sink in my chest
when you pause our conversation
to read a text from her.
I can't help but feel a little shatter in my chest
as you form that ever so enchanting smile
on your face,
and I can't help but push back the tears in my eyes,
when I see your fingers sprint around the letters on your phone
as you respond ever so intently,
and I can't help but think,
"that probably used to me."

but I smile.

I feel so much, yet I smile and think
"it's okay," because you're supposed to be happy
for the person you love right? So I smile.

but I'm sad, and I shatter a little every day
because she's perfect and I'm not.

I'm a little too hard to handle,
a little too hard to understand,
a little too complicated
but I she's not.

and I cry and depend on razors
a little bit too much,
but she prays and depends on her bible.

and I'm a little too contradictory
and a little too confused,
but she's not.

and so, she's better for you, and not me.

and so I smile.

I smiled when you forgot our lunch session
because you were too busy spending it with her.

I smiled when you forgot to check up on me,
because you probably were too busy
checking up on her.

and I'll always smile
but I'll always shatter inside because
I love you, but you'll always be too busy
loving her.

To: The brokenhearted girl

And to the boy who broke your heart,
I honestly hope he's happy,
I hope he's pleased with what he had done.
I hope he's sleeping peacefully, because you aren't.

I hope he shivers in pain, when he thinks of you
I hope his ears get tired of hearing your name
Over, and over and over again
Especially on nights when he's restless.
Especially on nights when he can't sleep
Especially on nights when his eye lids won't shut.
I hope he remembers the taste of your lips
And yearns for it when your lips hits the lips of another man.
I hope his dreams are filled with images of you
Images of you happier than ever,
Images of you finding someone that's better.
I hope when he eats, he remembers how your hand cradled the food
How your lips surrounded it and how your jaws turned almost hypnotically as you savoured the food the same way you did to his tongue.

And I hope when the lips of another are on him, they'll feel like yours
And her touch, will feel like your touch,
And her hair,
Her hair ..
I hope it smells like yours.
And I hope the kisses of another, will feel like lashes compared to yours
And i hope their touch, will feel like burns compared to yours
As if he's receiving a punishment for letting you go
As if he's receiving a punishment for falling in the arms of another.
As if he's receiving a punishment for using the word "love" too much.

And i hope the minute he utters "I love you" , he'll remember the times he told you,
He'll remember each one of them as if it was yesterday,
Remember which ones were lies,
Break down in tears
And comes crawling back to you.

But darling, don't forget to tell him it's too late.

Sincerely,
An onlooker
(h.s)

I’ve never really thought about what that “special day” really meant,
Never really thought of how it would feel,
To bed red with “love”,
Even love-making would be red.
All I ever really did was
Spin up images of the day, in the desert of my mind,
So inexperienced and innocent,
In need of some sort of fluid
To water its parched fields.
Lovers exchanging boxes of chocolate
Roses dug up from fresh earth,
Sent off in packages
Even little boys sent notes to their admirers
In third grade.
Old couples reminisce about how they met
Teenage Juliets sneak out when the moon’s at its peak,
To meet their Romeos
And watch clichéd movies,
About this “special day”
And end the night
In bed together
sharing chocolates.
Juliet’s heart’s racing ‘cause he said “I love you”.
How foolish..
You just met him two days ago,
He just wants a piece of you cake
If not, all...
Never really gotten the gist of this “Valentine’s Day”
Why show love one day, in a year of 365 days?
What’s so special about the 14th of February?
Why not treat him or her special 365 days?
Or
Why not treat him or her like crap 365 days?
Makes sense doesn’t it?

The sight of you makes her sick.
So sick,
Just **** her if you might..
You’re like the stain of bleach,
on her tongue,
In the back of her throat…
Like a day she’d like to forget,
But it flashes,
In her best days,
Making her so ill.
Through stained glass,
She tries to move on…
But..
What now ?
You’re like a recurring decimal.
Like the constant in my experiment,
Like the sand ,
On the beach
I hope the tide just washes you ,
A
  W
       A
          Y ….

Away…

what if i told you that
that there are parts of my life 
that move slower 
because you're not in them?

what if i told you that I'm broken and my brain refuses to function,
since you changed?

being broken by you is like reading a story to a deaf child
expecting a smile
or a laugh
or a round of applause
but all that is returned
is a dead stare.

it's like looking for the sunlight in the middle of the night.

it's like playing the piano to a deaf man
in hopes that he'll finally hear,
playing- until your fingers are broken
because all he did was fall asleep.

being broken by you feels like calling your father, who had abandoned you,
for the last time on your 18th,
hoping he'll answer your last call,
but all you heard was: "sorry this number is no longer in service"

it's like repeating your favourite song over and over and over again
because for some reason you're always missing your favourite line.

and i look for you in missed calls and new text messages.
look for you through doorways,
hoping you'll walk through them
saying you're sorry,
and I'd say "It's okay",
as I always did.

being broken is a mother,
telling her son who has turned to drugs and gun to come home,
and he'll look through the window,
but he never opens the door.

he finally does, with a gunshot wound in his chest.
and words rolling of his tongue;
"mommy, I'm sorry"

being broken is me telling you to come home,
indicating to you that I, am home,
but you keep running past the door.

But i pray to God,
that you'll get tired
and stop running
and come home.

What is it that makes one better
In this competitive world ?

What is it that makes one better,
In this creative world ?

What is it that makes one better
In this poetry world ?

What is it that makes your poem
Better than mine ?

Is it the cleverness of your rhymes,
Which fits so neatly into every line ?

Is it the complexity of one’s word
That portrays you as a “nerd”?

Is it the gender?
Or is it ones race?

Is it popularity ?
Or is it ones age ?

Is it experience ?
Because I think it has to do with willingness
And eagerness and how determined one is
Rather than the colour of skin

What makes you better than me ?
What makes you succeed?

Is it because of my background ?
Or is it because I’m not a tinge of brown?

Don’t judge me because of my frown,
That I wear and embrace like a crown .

I’m here too,
I have a purpose too

Don’t overlook me,
Don’t overlook us.

Give each a chance to S H I N E.

What i want

It's 2:03am
And i should be sleeping
But I'm dreaming
Dreaming of you boy.

Dreaming of what i want
And what i want ..
Is you boy.

Her wants are unlimited,
She feels lost in a world of her own.
She feels unwanted and unneeded.
She feels as if she has no purpose in life,
She wants to have fun to, she's a child,
She wants to be loved and to be treated just right.
As she beats against those prison walls ,
She senses a feeling of defeat.
She wants to see it all,
new places,
Watch the stars fall,
see new faces.
She wants a family, filled with love,
brothers and sisters ,
like the Father above.
She wants to be happy,
and to feel at home,
to laugh , to dance , to cry and sing
and not having to care about what others think.
She wants privacy, she wants a friend ,
one who will stick with her , through till the end.
She wants to help others, others like herself.
Last but not least,
She wants to be accepted.

"I'm content"
"Something's gonna happen, i don't know what it is, i feel it"
-------------------------------

three weeks later i'm sitting, wallowing in self pity,
mourning over a love that has gone sour
making cuts after cuts in my skin,
hoping you'll somehow feel it and hear my cry for help.

i carved the word "perfect" into my skin on November 17-18, 2012
hoping that despite everything that happened that day
i'd still feel perfect
or hoping that seeing it every day,
i'd start believing i'm
Pretty even when drowning in tears with swollen
Eyes that are filled with stars, stars that i often fail to see and that
Regardless of these scars that are etched into my skin, i am
Full of life and
Energy that is immortelle and
Contagious even though i always feel as if i can't go on and
Things are too much.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i should've carved my name into your heart,
Hoping you'll
Always remember that
Someone like myself is hard to find so therefore
I'm yours always and you are mine and i'll
Never leave nor would i hurt you intentionally, and
Although it feels like we're drifting, i still want you here.

but the ice which we stood on which was our love
has broken,
and is melting and you're on one piece
and i'm on another and if we reach for each other,
we'll drown in the ocean of our love.
and i  don't know what i'm saying anymore,
because my eyes are getting cloudy and so is my mind
and all i can think of is you and if you'd cross that ocean for me.
(h.s)

6 am i was there
telling you,
"have a good day at school today my dear."

and at 12 noon,
i would check up on you.

at 10pm
i'd send you off to bed
saying, "sleep tight, and don't worry your little head."

and some nights at three,
when the demons in your head won't flee
i'd tell you stories about me
until you fall asleep.


the amount of days since you left has been sixty-two
and i'm finally beginning to see
that i didn't lose you,
you lost me.