Life passes between you and I
As our eyes met
And you saw everything you needed
As I saw everything I've been looking for

You cross my mind so often
Might as well say you live rent free in my head

I wish I could scrub you from my skin
But your fingerprints have seeped through to my soul
You left smudges, marks
                 on my windows
And now, I think I will never be free of you
You have ruined me for anyone else
I don't shine quite the same
And it's a shame
Because...
I've given so much of myself that now, I'm left with only pieces of who I once was
After you waltzed in
   like the Devil in the pale moonlight
With your promises
as empty as they were
And your "I love you's"
even I knew they were lies as they fell from your lips
But I believed them
And I actually thought you were different
Silly me because I'll be spending a spell
Trying to wipe you away
I refuse to be dirtied by the likes of you

Love is just a word
Until someone comes along and gives it meaning
Or reiterates that it really is just a word

See, with people like me
We expect good things to come as a surprise
And bad things to come like clockwork
Isn't that sad
So to the question as to why I don't put faith into anything
Or believe in anyone
There's your answer

I don't run from my demons
I see them everytime I look in the mirror
Maybe that's why I hate looking at myself so much

Because I see them
And they're a part of me
And there's no hiding it
And I think they like being seen

They show the true darkness that lies in me
That lies within us all

I won't remember the parties
Or the school events
Or the games
Because I never went to them

But this is what I will remember
I'll remember the late nights of homework
And having to wake up early the next morning
And being exhausted in my 9am class

I'll remember the stress that ate my *** alive
To the point where I would cry for 10 minutes straight
And then get back to work like it never happened

I'll remember having an anxiety attack after leaving my professor's office
Because she made me feel stupid about how I wrote my speech
And the moment I stepped outside
I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding
Then, I started hyperventilating and crying

I'll remember working out in the gym
Because according to my doctor I was obese
And well exercise is a great stress reliever

I'll remember losing my grandfather my junior year
And being so sad and depressed that some days I wouldn't even go to class
And having to go home for the first time and see him not there

I'll remember going through a break up the summer before my junior year
And having my ex try to gain my trust so that he would get another chance
Still confused on whether I should or shouldn't by the way

I'll remember growing closer to some of my friends
And some of my friends distancing themselves from me
And barely spending time with my friends from home

I'll remember contemplating on dropping out
Or going to another school
Or trying to make my other dreams come true

I'll remember being in the financial aid office more times than I can count
Because I'm paying out of pocket for my education
Student loans, Pell grants, and financial aid
Still isn't enough to cover my tuition

I'll remember being moved off campus into smaller dorms
Sharing a room with my best friend
And fighting off creepy crawlers and critters that found their way inside
And missing classes because transportation either ran late
Or didn't come at all

Who knows what else I'll remember
Not done with college yet

Why would I wear my heart on my sleeve?
Such a dangerous place for it to be...

I saw something in you
That you probably couldn't see for yourself
I saw who you were
I saw who you are
I saw who you could be
When you were still searching
Trying to find your true self
I simply saw you
And that was enough for me

Inside the glass house
And those on the outside
Are the ones throwing the boulders
Chips of glass surround my feet
Leaving me nowhere to step
Unless I want to get cut
And I already have enough scars

I wonder do you remember
When I would hold your face in my hands
Like some precious jewel I found
And just run my thumbs across your cheeks
Your eyes would crinkle up
Because you would smile
And I would smile
Or gaze into your eyes
And would get lost in what I saw
I wonder did you see how much I loved you then
Because now it seems
You don't love me at all

I would like to introduce the person in front of you
The name’s Ariana, I go by Ari
I was born on January 5th, which makes me a Capricorn
I’m the G.O.A.T (literally my zodiac symbol is the goat and I’m the greatest of all time)
Some of the things they say about my sign are true
I can be very difficult, and my tongue is so sharp, it could cut into your skin and leave scars
But at the other end of the spectrum, I’m as loyal as they come
And will always keep it 92+8 with you
I am 5 ft 5...and a half
I do not know how to ride a bike nor swim
And I could not hold a note if my life depended on it

I am still learning how to control what comes out of my mouth and what expressions dance across my face
My words can be cutthroat and my face is my personal snitch
You can tell how or what I feel, and I would not have to say a word
I was born with a fire in me that only blazes when needed

I like Coca-Cola
And anything that has the word “taco” in it
People say that I am rude
And my answer to that is always ‘thank you’
Cannot be nice to people nowadays anyhow
Especially, people, I do not like

I am unapologetically myself
My anxiety attacks and mood swings are a second skin
A storm encased within me, a whirlwind of emotions
I can go from laughing to smiling to stressed to depressed and back to laughing in 5 seconds
A kind of colorful mess I am

I have this fascination with nature
I feel it is the one thing God created that is not flawed
All the cycles
All the seasons
The dew that rests upon the grass
Have you ever just wanted to lie in a field of flowers
Makes me smile at the thought

I fall in love truly
Nothing about it is fake
Even if the person does not love me back
Or did not love me enough to keep me
Or did not stay around long enough to fall in love
It is their loss
Because I am a rare find
Like a black unicorn

Just to remind you
My name is Ariana
I like my solitude, stargazing, and enjoying moments that last a lifetime
I cry all the time
Sometimes over nothing, most of the time over everything
I have issues, and every time someone asks, “what’s wrong?”
My reply is most of the time ‘everything’ or ‘what isn’t wrong?’

Music nurtures my soul and laughter frees up space that negativity tries to overcrowd
I wake up every day and try to be happy about something
Even when I am not happy with myself
If asked to name all the things I love, I would not even think to name me
But everything is not all bad
I am still alive
And I feel I have a purpose
And that someone is listening
Even when I think they are not
I just get through the days
By being me

I have to give you points for originality
I thought I had heard them all
All the reasons
All the excuses
As to why people break hearts
And you broke mine
Because you were scared of what could be
That's the first time I've heard of that
So you threw away everything over the possibility of something going wrong
That's smart

The soul is like a garden
You plant and water enough
And receive the right amount of sunlight
Something beautiful will grow
Maybe a flower...
I prefer a rose
Or a sunflower

You leave it unkempt
It dies  
or nothing grows
It becomes barren
With weeds sprouting from the earth

Now, which garden would you want?
I would suggest the one full of life and color

I cried enough for the tears to pool in my eyes
They didn't fall
Until you doubted me
And whether I loved you or not
And how I should be grateful that I have you
But it's you who doesn't understand
If I didn't love you
I wouldn't put up with what comes along with being in a relationship with you
I wouldn't put up with what comes with being with me
I always love even when I don't get the same in return
But then, you say you do love me
Then, can someone explain to me
Why do I feel so worthless

Don't waste time staring at a sunset that you forget your time in the sun

*Feel the warmth of the sun

She seems to have lost touch with herself
Drowned in the sorrow that flows within her veins
Tears staining her face once again
Feeling...
Hurt
Numb
Empty
Nothing

Though the thought of being immune to this feeling crossed her mind
She has felt it so many times before
Inflicted upon herself by those she thought would never leave bruises
Inflicted upon herself by herself
Not giving others the opportunity to mar a soul already damaged
And yet it feels brand new every time

So much hurt inside one body
Of memories of forgetting herself
Of feeling searing pain course through her
When he broke her heart
Yet he promised to cherish it
When her father hurt her mother
Forgetting she's reflection of the woman she calls "momma"
Of when her brother imposed between her thighs at such a tender age
Leaving himself in the corner of her mind
And every now and then, he slips from the shadows
Replaying that moment on a continuous loop
Of when she lost herself within herself
And couldn't find  herself in the dark

She should be used to it
But it always feels brand new

You know the one thing we are guaranteed in life is our death
How ironic
There's no running from it
Or hiding from it
Or bargaining with it
Just when it's your time
It's your time

Her hand rests above her heart
Grasping for something that ain't there
But in her mind, she remembers that cross her father gave her
She does that whenever the weight of the world drapes over her shoulders
And when that dark cloud pitter patters rain onto her head
Inhaling the troubles that will come
And exhaling once her tears have dried
Her face as blank as a canvas before the artist splashes the paint
Yet through the windows to her soul, you see how hard life is beating on her
Breaking her spirit
But of course, she simply decorates her face with a smile that never quite reaches her eyes

And says, "I'm fine."

I miss staring into them there eyes
Those brown eyes that for some reason dance when they land on me
Those eyes I love staring into
That make me forget where I am for a moment
I miss the feeling of your hands
The way they held onto mine and never seem to let go
When you would brush your fingertips against my cheek
I would lean into your touch because it felt like I've been there before
Like I was home
I miss feeling your warmth
Felt like it wrapped me up and surrounded me
Almost like the love you had for me radiated from you
And when you would lay beside me, I dreaded your spot being empty
I miss the little things you do
Like fixing the ******* my shirt because you're OCD about those sort of things
Or when you would ****** off my scarf or pull my hair from the bun it was in because you loved seeing the hair that adorned my head
And the feeling of your lips on me was enough to rattle me from the inside
I miss your voice
Listening to you speak about anything caught my attention
Especially when it would be about something you have a passion for
But mainly, when "I love you" seeped from your lips and into me
I knew you meant it
I just miss you

I'm sorry
I'm sorry for being me
I'm sorry for not being able to change the parts of me you don't like
Like how I talk **** about myself
Me being my worst enemy
I tear myself down every chance I get
I'm sorry that I don't love my body the way you do
You see curves where as I see fat
I just can't look in the mirror and say, "I'm beautiful."
But knowing you, you'd kiss every part of me and appreciate my body like I never did
I'm sorry that when we argue, I always have anger in me
Profanity just slips through my lips when I'm mad
And I know you don't like conflict, but I got a lot of fight in me
I'm sorry I'm not positive when it comes to my view on life
Life *****, being a rollercoaster where there are the ups and downs
But with the hand I was dealt, I had more downs than ups
However, I remember you telling me to look up at the skies because they're always beautiful
Even when everything on Earth seems ugly
I'm sorry for who I am
Being me seems to be a problem
Which is why I say you probably shouldn't be with someone like me
And you would just say, "You're not getting rid of me" or "I'm not going anywhere."
I'm sorry you have to love someone like me
A *****
A pessimist
To you, I'm just your Kitten
Perfect, even with my flaws
I'm just...

*Sorry

The heart is an instrument that falls in love all the time
And sometimes, too easily
But it is rare when the soul falls in love
It needs the right person to set the spark

The devil can lie with a smile on his face
That is so convincing
He'll have you believing it's the truth

Following the white rabbit in his waistcoat
Listening to the tick tock of his pocket watch
Let's fall down the rabbit hole nestled at the trunk of the tree

And where you land is a room
An entire world hidden behind a door and all you need is the key
A nibble from a cake that makes you grow
And with a sip of a drink, you shrink
Insert the key and twist the ****
Opens the door to a world beyond imagination

There's a cat that grins
And with a smile, he disappears
Have a cup of tea and a biscuit with the Hare, the Hatter, and the Dormouse
Paint white roses red with the Red Queen
Beware of her freakishly large head
Slay the Jabberwocky with the Vorpal Sword
And restore the White Queen to her throne
I'm sure the ****** Big Head wouldn't like that
"Off with her head," she would say
Listen to the bicker of the twins, Tweedledee and Tweedledum
The Red Queen calls them her fat boys
Partake in the musings of Absolem
The hookah-smoking caterpillar who transforms into a beautiful blue butterfly

Let us escape to Wonderland
It is far more appealing than the real world

Words hurt
Similar to how a fist can bruise skin
Words crawl underneath your skin and get stuck there
Twisting you from the inside
But what makes it worse is the person the words are coming from.

A mother telling her daughter she isn't pretty enough
Begins the journey of a girl trying to define her beauty
Caking her face with makeup to "enhance" or "alter" her appearance
Wearing clothes that barely cover skin
She does not know or see her beauty
Going through her life seeking approval
By doing things that defile what makes her beautiful
If she believes she is beautiful, then she is
No one else's opinion of her beauty should matter
Only her opinion of herself matters

Just one word can change a person's perspective of who they are and what they believe in

A boy telling a girl he doesn't love her anymore
Changes her perception of what love is
Whether she deserves it and who will be the person to finally give it to her
She pushes away man after man, afraid of putting her heart on the line
Afraid of  putting her all into something that's worth it
Sweetheart, just because one man hurts you does not mean the next one will
Don't miss out on your white knight because of a few jesters (**** fools).

Words hurt
They can cause bruises
They can open wounds
Even ruin lives
So be careful with what comes out if your mouth.

Just a mess
Something's always wrong
Or needs to be fixed
Or is out of place
And cracks start to damage the already flawed surface
In need of repair
And underneath...

Never seen such ruin
Something once so beautiful has become marred
A soul in shambles
Wonder what caused that to lose its light?
Have I always been such a mess?

There are times where I will sit and think about my life and what has come of it.
How the one wish I've always wanted since I was a child has always remained the same.
My wish is to be happy...
Be happy with myself and who I am despite the mess that I am...
Despite how broken I am.
I always wanted to be happy with myself, be happy being me.
Be happy with someone who is the person that sparks my soul, which is rare to find.
But finding that person will be like staring up at stars at night
You feel so at peace with that person nearby.

How I always wanted to be someone's mother.
I love children, I love babies...
Every time I see a baby I just want to hold them, hug them. I want to experience that. Being a mom.
And if I'm not given that chance, it's going to hurt. I'm going to wonder what's wrong with me. What did I do wrong in my life to not be a mom? But then I can't be upset at that, I made a lot of mistakes and regret some decisions that I made.
But I live with it. I just want to be a mom and if I can't have any children of my own, I'll love someone else's. I can always adopt.

Those are just thoughts I have sometimes...

"I may be almost heartless, but that doesn't mean I don't have a soul..."

I still have those moments where I don't feel anything at all
Just numbness
My head resting on a pillow
My eyes staring blankly at a wall
And then I snap out of it
And I busy myself with doing something to make me feel
I refuse to feel nothing ever again

I used to be a damsel in distress until I decided to rescue myself...

I wake up with this body
That has a new ache in a new place
But mainly in the heart and mind
With its bumps and curves in some areas
Spots that won't go away in others
But there's a simplicity to this body of mine
I love every inch of it
My body shows the years that have and haven't been pleasant
Every pound of flesh on my body
I adore
From my thighs and ****
To my gut
My body is my temple
And I shall dwell in it for the rest of my life

I'm sure it hurts the same
When an angel falls from Heaven
And when a demon crawls up from Hell
And us humans being stuck in the middle on Earth
I'm sure it hurts the same

"Why would I wish Death upon my worst enemy when I can just **** them myself?"
- Quoted by me

She died in that old house
Her soul's probably hiding in her closet, clutching her teddy bear
Or beneath her bed, playing with her toys
In that old house is where she died
You ask me, "What happened to my little girl?"
"She died, Daddy...
and she became me."

Sometimes the person that broke you is also the person to put you back together

If you're going to break me
At least have the decency to let me know upfront
Don't let some time pass before you decide to do it
Don't let me reveal parts of myself that no one has seen
Not even God Himself and He made me
Don't let me share my secrets to which later you use as ammo
Don't let me tell you my life story, every chapter of it, from then to now
And belittle the struggles I had to overcome
If you're going to break me
Beware of the strength I possess
Beware of the type of woman I am
Beware of my ability to get up from being knocked down
Beware of me doing what I have to
You may cause a few cracks
But you will never break me
I'm too good for that

Sometimes, the best of you is brought out by the worst
After people do their damnedest to destroy you
After they have stabbed you in the back
And shot a bullet through your heart
You find the strength to get up, to fight
You take your wounds...your bruises...your scars
You pick up the pieces and build something  new
And the dents and cracks left over
Well, if you run sandpaper over a diamond, it'll eventually smooth out

There's something about stars
Have you ever gone out to a field, laid down a blanket, and just stare at them?
They're just beautiful to look at
They're simply beautiful because they're being themselves, shining at night

We all have a bit of monster in us
I just seem to be in tune with mine
And it causes me to be a bit of a heathen

Holy hands make me feel more tainted than I already am

My momma raised me just fine
But sometimes, I had to do wrong on my own
How else was I supposed to learn the difference between right and wrong?
Life didn't come with instructions.

Who's to say I break hearts?
Why can't I just make them skip a few beats?

If I could speak with the old me
The first thing I would do is give her a hug
No one understands her pain like I do
I would dry her eyes full with tears
She has cried enough due to pain
Only tears that should be shed are of happiness
I would tell her to watch out for a certain guy
He caused a lot of unwanted problems
But she'll make it through
Finally, I would tell her to hold her head up high, her shoulders back
A queen wouldn't want her crown to slip

Is there a reason why your heart gets broken?
Whether you saw it coming or not, nothing can brace you for the pain you will feel.
At times, you blame yourself for the pain thinking, "Why did I listen to my heart?"
You cry over someone who isn't worth your tears.
Your heart has been gullible, causing you to love and trust too easily.
And it's just sad when you become immune to the hurt.
Getting your heart broken is the downside to love.
The question is...
"Will you allow it to break you?"

When said to the average woman, it's an insult
When said to me, I tilt my head back and grin
I fix my imaginary crown before it slips and say,

"Yes, I wear that crown proudly. Want to know how big of a ***** I can be?"

Never quite felt like this before
This new feeling can't be described
It causes a smile to grace a face that wore a frown
It causes a sparkle in the eyes that shed tears
Laughter spills from a mouth that never uttered a word
Feeling light on feet while dancing
This new feeling I can't quite put my finger on
But I like it
Maybe, I'm finally happy
And just enjoying living in the moment

Scribbled words written on notes
A red ribbon with a lock of hair dangling
Photos of familiar faces with worn edges
A piece of fabric that was torn from the wearer of the cloth
A golden brush with strands of hair left from the owner
This old shoe box carries fond memories
Each item has a story