I name stone after stone
After all the times
You made
Me
Feel
Less
Then what I am
And I place
Each one
In my pockets
Until
I
Will
Eventually
Drown

I watched from the dark of the shadows
As you sought out anyone that wasnt me
Lovely little sheep; it was easy
Easy for you to love your own kind
I, with eager eyes from the deep of the woods
yearning
hungry
You, always at a distance
I waited until the midnight hour
Where you could only love me in private
For I am the wolf

I could have picked you apart
like one plucks
petals effortlessly from a
fresh bloomed flower
in spring
but unlike a new sprung flower
you have
long ago withered

i s
love like
f i l l i ng
e m p t y
jars with
beautiful
flowers ?

Happiness lives inside the cage
Of your heart
It's up to you to find the key

If I do not conform to society
Then I am socially outlawed;
I am entirely guilty

Take away my oxygen
And cradle my life force in your hands
The same hands that destroyed my walls
The hands that lifted me up
Off the floor when I couldn't do it anymore
Lay me down for my eternal rest
Hold me in those hands
Until I take my last breath
Let me feel you run them through my hair
While my lungs run out of air
Rest them upon my heart while I sleep
Let those steady hands run over
My skin, then repeat
.
.
.

Repeat
.
.
.


Repeat
.
.
.


Until the last beat

it's
    okay.
     okay?
 it's
     okay.
              tomorrow
      could
be
a
                  better
   day

Pretty
Autumn
Leaves
Surround
Me
.
.
.
Bury Me;
Decompose Me;
Make Me New in the spring;
<regrowth>

My thoughts caved in on themselves
My knees became liquid beneath me
I found myself crash-landing
Onto the floor
A war waged inside of my stomach
Out came the contents of my lunch
It melded into the carpet
My chest felt like layers of brick
My throat became scratchy like razors
Like the razors that sunk so neatly
Into your flesh
We were a beautiful mess
The after math of lost reality

The words flooded the shores of my pysche and poured
through my limbs into my fingers
and with a pen as their vessel, embedded
themselves into the paper.
I broke free of the inner cage I used to
suffocate the best parts of me.
24 ******* years I shut my happiness into
a jar and left it for every one else to hold
in their destructive hands.
How long had I let everyone else decide for me?
How long had I thought my self incapable of holding my self afloat?
I am not useless.
I am not small.
I am not for you or anyone else.
I am me.
I am brave.
I am extroidinary.
I am a warrior with a spirit brighter and bigger then galaxies stretching into oblivion.
I am alive.
I sat at this desk where I wrote the best thing I will ever write for my self.
I reinvented my being and picked my self up from the dirt and I promise to grow
Into the most beautiful garden you will ever see.

jars of fire flies
illuminating smiles
in the dark of
make-shift blanket tents
smiles of partially-toothed children
grinning at trapped fire flies
in a jar rapidly "blinking"
as it to signal for help
spiders trap and eat their insides
and we deem them monsters
they do only for survival
but we do for entertainment
and in our children's eyes
deem ourselves heroes

You are the houses in suburban cul-de-sacs;
Polished, shiny marbled counter tops
Plush carpet on waxed, heavy wood floors
Collections of perfect china displayed in antique cabinets
Matching curtains to center pieces
Sparkling  champagne and spotless window panes.
»»-------------¤-------------««
While I am houses hidden in alley ways;
Worn kitchen tiles
Hand-me-down book cases
Collecting dust
Collecting memories in photos on a lone refrigerator
Every breath and sigh stowed in cracks beneath my feet
The whir of aged radiators producing heat.
»»-------------¤-------------««
We are houses whose outsides are structured accordingly
But inside, our unique personality resides.

A
Fine
Truth
I've Felt
Through
Various
Empty
Bottles

Fingers that laced throughout my hair;
Fingers that held me under water.

The rhythm of calm waves through my follicles;
The crashing of waves onto my body.

Feeling of being sea-sick on a small boat;
Feeling of being sick with thoughts of you.

Smell of salt in the air on a windy day;
Smell of salt from the fear in my sweat.

Picking up seashells under my feet;
Picking out shattered glass within my feet.

The sounds of the wind and the sea;
The sounds of yelling between you and me.

In the moment I think of apeaceful ocean;
The moments before I slip under the water.

I wrote a poem in my head;
As I laid in my bed.
I fell asleep with the thought of it.
I dreamed a dream about a tiny sailboat
drifting on the sea.
Now I'm  awake and can't recall what I wrote.

Like a melted puddle of cherry popsicle on hot asphalt; I want to lick you up. The sweet parts of you, and the ***** parts too.

I want to feel the grittiness between my teeth.
Give me the raw parts of you. The stayed up past 3 am parts of you. The I haven't combed my hair in days parts of you.

Like a breath of cold air in a Midwestern winter, let me breathe you in.
Let me absorb you like frozen snowflakes on my tongue.

Let me feel the warm parts of your heart, and the cold parts too.
I want to touch you, every inch of you.
Show me the scars, and the freckles on your skin.

Tell me the about the dark places of your head, and what keeps you up at night in bed.
I want your voice to fill my head, and to savor each word as it rolls off your sweet lips. A slight twang of an accent you don't notice, and don't know where you got it from.

But I do.
I notice. I notice every detail of your inches from head to toe. I notice your slight paranoia and the way you fix your hair.
I could observe you for an eternity and I wouldn't get bored.

I want you to eat me up inside.
I want you to leave a trace in every corner of my room.
I want my sheets to smell like you.
I want you to get to me.
Always.
And I want you to read this
on those nights you can't sleep.
I want it to get to you.
Always.

We had the world at our fingertips.
We were gold plated and heartfelt. In an open sea, just two ships.
We got lost out there from the world but it was the same horizon day after day.
Soon, the  world felt small.We no longer had words so say.
Now we're just copper plated and the love has faded.

Your funny-sweet personality fitted with sweet nothings only we know.
It's perfect, you're perfect.
Eyes like  green exotic nebulas beyond the atmosphere.
Lips soft and mauve, teeth like ivory cut from sacred temples.
Hair a wispy brown nest I could run my fingers through forever.
Skin soft like the finest of silks;
I can't help but to want push mine against it.
A laugh that could reverberate for light years inside my head.
Contagious, perfect.
You're like a liquid drug in my veins and I'm entirely addicted.
I need you, I want you.
I feel alive with you, I feel right with you.
I feel perfect with you.
Give me another dose baby, let me feel that perfection again and again.

Hot heavy air, and I was wet all over. But I didn't care about the heat I still wanted you to hold me. I didn't mind if my makeup melted away, anything to stand beside you. But the nights were cooler, we could slow it down and absorb every bit of each other.
Tell me your thoughts, your wants, your fears.
Tell me underneath a starlit-midnight sky.
Tell me in your car while were lost in the moment.
Tell me while we lie in bed with our skin is touching.
Sing me your favorite songs and know that if I'm staring silently at you, I'm admiring everything about you.
But tell me baby, tell me.
Tell me you don't want this to end.
Tell me I'm the only one.
Tell me you'll never let me go.
Tell me.

Nervous; When I think about you.
Nervous; When you touch my skin.
Nervous; When you look me in the eyes.
Nervous; When you kiss my lips.
Nervous; When you hold my hand.

-Weak in the knees, I tremble thinking
about how much I love everything about you.
From the the freckles on your ear
lobe, to the way you sing in the car.
I bite my cheeks to keep from struggling on my words-


Nervous; When I want to tell you how I feel.
Nervous; Because I want to cling to you.
Nervous; When we take off our clothes.
Nervous; When you tell me I'm beautiful.
Nervous; Because I don't want to lose you.

You held my hand in your sleep.
Sometimes you talk to me in your sleep too.
But best of all, you'll put
your arm around me and pull me closer to you.
Sleeping is when, as humans, we are the most sincere.
But I'll never tell you the sweet things you do in your sleep,
those are my secrets to keep.
So, baby get some sleep tonight.
Hold me until morning light.

I searched my entire room,
Every nook and cranny
For anything that would remind me of you.
A letter, a peice of clothing, even a smell
But all I found was emptiness.
But where?
My room? My head? My heart?
I couldn't figure it out, but I soon learned
You left nothing
but a memory.
I sought to forget it,
But I could only escape from it
For a moment at a time.
I  can no longer  breathe but for a few seconds a day.
I'm forever suffocating in a memory of you.

You're the first drag of a fresh cigarette, and I know I shouldn't.
Smoke filling my lungs, like your words fill my head.
Heart  heavy like cement inside my chest, while I slowly undress.

Butterfly's in my stomach?
Or just acidic regrets;



Do I really want this?

Don’t…don’t tell me you miss me.
Not when I see it. When I see you and her…just don’t.

Don’t tell me you’ll always be there for me, please don't.

I love you, you say to her; I swear you had just said it to me, but oh god please don’t.

Don’t tell me you miss the memories with me and still hold it close to you’re heart.

Just…****…please don’t;
Break my heart any further, because you know I just can’t ******* let go…baby…just don’t.

The feeling when my stomach is sick.
You're metal grinding against my teeth,
and you're every cold , brutal winter.

You're a tumor in my brain,
and the life inside my pill box.
You're the very reason I won't wake up tomorrow.

Undescribable emotions leading to spontaneous actions.
You were here with me, suddenly.
We were together, blissfully, like starlight against clouds.
...time...skipped a beat.
We didn't know each other anymore.
I only felt sick, and angry.
Fighting through tears and gritted teeth.
Gone.
Away you went and you'll never think about it.
Now you know you left your love behind the first time.
I was right.
...time...skipped a beat.
Here I am on my bed.
I feel it.
All of it.
The sadness.
The loneliness.
The  sorrow.
I'll think about it, but you won't.

There was a void inside you.
A lonely dark hole you were eager
to fill.
There was nobody to tell you everything was ok; until you met me.
I listened and picked up your peices when
you were sad.
I promised to always be there for you.
And I only wanted the same thing, for
I to had a void.
But it was only for the moment.
Temporary promises, and temporary love.
Soon people fell back into your life;
you no longer needed me.
And I soon ceased to exist in your world.
...but I still needed you..

Have you ever just felt entirely small?
   Has your heart beat so fast you were sure
           it was going to explode?
Did your legs tell you to run but you couldn't?
                            
                                                 Does your head feel all light?
And your eyes a bit blurry?
You're not suffocating yet it feels like you are right?
  
             Do you have OCD? Or ADD?
   Does the style of this poetry,

                                                        ­             give
you
                          Anxiety?

I would still kiss you when you wake in the morning.
I would still hold you when you fight me.
I would still smile at your mother, even when she says I'm no good.
I would still laugh after hearing the same jokes.
I would still hold your hand when it's warm out.
I would still love you at your very wost.
...But only if I could...

I have loved you, but I haven't met you...
yet.

A train ride and a map my dear,
That's all I need
One year; (and I will hold you)
Distance as the enemy

It's not that I'm inexperienced, but with you
whatever this is, it's very new.
I can't wrap my head around it;
All I know is, I want to wrap my arms
around you.

Loving you is like;
Watching my favorite movie for the first time.
Sleeping with the perfect temperature.
Coffee on a restless day.
Cake on my birthday.
Snow on Christmas.
Beating my favorite game.
And my god, I've never heard a laugh like yours;
voice smooth like honey.
And *******, your lips I want to taste;
over and over again.
And I want to feel this way, all the time, every day.
And that's...
.. what it's like to love you.

Soft fur I burrowed my face into
Whisker tickles, as if sharing secrets between us.
A bond between human and animal,
no one quite understands.
Warm purrs filling my soul as you nestled
under the blankets.
What were you thinking behind those feline eyes?
When you ran out the door, did you ever look back?
Do you prowl the alley's and chase mice in the night?
Know I haven't forgot you...
Is it freedom you wanted my feline friend?
That animal instinct that you couldn't fight?
If only I had known what you were thinking...
Behind those green, feline eyes.

Emotions running deep,
Like stairs entirely too steep;
I climbed.

My legs grew weak.
With shaky limbs,
I progressed.

A tunnel of hate
Dark and unforgiving;
I carried on.

Mountains of memories
Standing tall;
I shuffled onward.

A vast sea of guilt;
I sank.
For I cannot swim.

If we kissed in warm summer heat,
Would you taste of everything sweet?

Would knots turn in my tummy?
Would I float off into the clouds above me?

Would you hold my hand,
and sing me songs from your favorite band?

Would your skin feel like velvet against mine?
As we laid on the beach and forgot about time.

Would you hold me through the night,
And promise to still want me by morning light?

Bad luck, my mama always said.
Your perfect the way you are, kissing me
Softly on the fore head.

Karmas a *****,  my best friend explained,
holding my hand as we walked in the rain.

There's nothing wrong with you ,
My daddy lied,
Taking me for a long car ride.

Why doesn't love work, I screamed at the sky. It's not you its them, my sister said
with a sigh.

I just don't understand, it feels like I'm dying.
My brother whispered, It's not your fault,
just really bad timing.

I wish for warm sand and cool water.
Good company and a 12-pack of beer.
Take me anywhere, anywhere, but here.

I unleash this thing inside me;
So lively and empowering.
I cannot feel this way, through any other form.
It is as though, I am completely reborn.

But every time I write
I cannot help but, feel so melancholy.
The emotions I hold just overwhelming me.
It’s as if the sadness in me breathes air again.

But every time I write,
I understand myself a little more.
I love myself just a little bit.
I feel comfortable with myself.

And anytime I write,
it’s truly from the heart.
It's that bitter-sweet part of life.
It's my own personal slice of happiness...

EVERY TIME I WRITE.

Dark flesh so sleek against my creamy, peach skin.
Body pressed against mine, breath in rhythm with mine.

Your touch sending tingles down my vertebrae.
The endorphins unleashing in my brain.

Together we create beauty and love upon my sheets.
painting a picture with our sweat, our breath sweet lullabies I won't forget.

In the night my dreams flow vividly around me.
But by morning there will be an emptiness in my bed.
An emptiness within myself.