PlayBill

You left me heart in hand at the alter,
disappeared without so much as a word, nothing except the coldest shoulder.
While not even given any single
ounce of closure,
I lost it,
I lost my mind along with my composure.
Became a recluse, a pessimist, began living life like a lone wolf avoiding any and all human contact norms,
being sought out to be some type of mean spirited misanthrope.
But what more was I presumed to be,
I was living a life of misery without any real company.
Therefore not even my misery had anything to love, I was just empty and numb.
I was angry, furious, outraged.
I knew better,
but I still let u get the better of me as u left me with the absolute worst inside of me while you were just so sketchy about it and vague.
The world is nothing but a stage,
and I was second leading role with you playing first as I was just along for the ride paved with chaos and havoc down the line of intersections consisting of deceit and defeat where u crashed the car at a point in time, which by then we were just too far, and u had somehow put on the performance of a lifetime.

I have nothing left in this world to call my own,
no where safe enough to call my home.
All I really have is my writing stemmed from the thoughts
replaying on an endless loop inside my head.
I believe sometimes that when I write them down and create
that maybe it’s my one way to get them to escape.
My pain is truly stitched into each and every word.
I hope that they will one day possibly be seen, and I can
actually be heard.

Side by side we'd lie there every night as two broken individuals.
Two shattered lovers as equally broke as the broken bed on the floor.
Always you'd hold onto me while we sleep,
but we never sleep anymore.
Feeling up but not awake.
Existing but not alive.
Not sure how much more of this my heart can take.
I wanted a rehab,
not a funeral.
Seemingly somehow thats what I got,
as it turned out our love was now fatal without a single chance of survival or any hope for a revival.
Coming down feels like falling into an empty black abyss,
tell me how the hell am I supposed to live like this.
Like a fiend except craving not a substance but a feeling,
on another sleepless night as I'm lying here beside you starving.

You're so easy to admire,
but baby you're a phony and a pretty little liar.
The things that you see as beneficial to you
are all that you seek to acquire.
You don't want love.
You need love.
You need it as your tool for getting whatever
it is you see any current value in.
Truthfully it's fortune that is your actual desire.
Overall,
I guess you don't really even need any actual love
when it's lust, luxury, and powdery dust that
takes you so much higher.

Sometimes you just have to accept the things that you cannot change.
Like, you can compulsive lie your *** off but it still cannot change what is true.
They say that the truth is the
hardest pill to swallow,
so instead I crush it up and I snort it.  
Even if there were things that I could change I fear I'll just make it even worse,
so I mission abort ****.
I lack the ability to actually change me,
and my courage is cowardly.
I'm hopeless, but I really do hope
that things will hurt less.
I'm useless, but I don't think that
I'll ever use less.

If not this, then it would be that.
It's all relative Nonsense where overall
you were just another substance.
But who am I to deprive misery of
its love for company,
honestly how could I possibly
maintain stability and be granted
any serenity, when all that is
surrounding me and inside of me is constant insanity ?..

Yeah, it's called Drug Abuse,
but is the term "Drug Abuse"
and the overall meaning behind it
really that simple ?..
In which being limited to the technical bottom line meaning and stating that by doing drugs you are abusing those drugs.
Where in other words the users
are apparently the abusers of the drugs that they use,
but isn't it possible that the drugs
actually abuse us too ?..

The day will come that you find yourself stepping in that big unavoidable pile of **** that is completely made of the huge mess that you yourself have made.
I know when you finally do that it will haunt your dark black soul forever.
So keep flushing your meds down the toilet I guess you're right,
you don't need them.
You are someone who can't
possibly be saved,
because you don't want to be saved.

You can't turn back the hands of time,
or take back the hands in which you laid upon me to harm and cause me pain.
It's far too late.
You can't uncross the ultimate line in which you crossed with me.
Point those filthy fingers of yours towards the mirror right back at your own reflection when you're searching for someone
to blame, you've chosen your own
twisted fate.

I'll never be your's again baby girl.
Not to wrap your arms around to hold,
not to catch you all the times you fall,
not to talk you off the ledge that you so dangerously dance with death upon.
I will never again be any part of your ****** up world.

My shoulder will never again be the shoulder that bears all of your fallen
salty bitter tears.
Listening to all of your depicted fears and each and every one of your own self made problems will never again be either of my ears.

I do hope that there is some sort of help you one day find.
I just won't be the one who's there for you when everyone else leaves you behind.

I do hope that you find a way to keep your head above the waves and remain afloat.
I just won't be the one who jumps in to save you when your drowning and
pull you up onto my life boat.

I really do hope that one of the many days you are feeling helpless that you somehow find the strength to not resort to picking up a razor, pressing it against your skin  and making yourself bleed.
Because seriously I'm sorry but,
I won't be the one who's there to
interfere or to bandage up your self inflicted wounds.
Because I won't be there ever again,
so not even in your time of need.

I so badly do hope that you one day find the type of love that you need to find
within yourself.
I just won't be there to love you anymore myself.

Unfortunately,
nothing in this world is pure.
You can give and give until
you've actually given everything,
but they'll still want more.

I've learned long ago that
love is not a cure.
I ask myself,
How many times can one heart
possibly break?..

And with nothing left
after losing everything,
how is it even somehow possible
that from me people continue to take?..

Honestly,
most people don't even know
that I am broken,
or have any idea about just how
damaged I really am,
and the fact that my smiles
are actually fake.

It's not so easy trying to hide all of
this pain behind a pair of big blue eyes.
Although then again,
No one ever really cares or understands
the tears that a CryBaby cries.

"She takes cold showers
because she's cold as ice,
and otherwise
she'd probably melt.
Although,
her skin is the warmest
skin I've ever felt."

"Such a little hustler u were.
Anything that you wanted you got it by any means.
You have so many goals and dreams,
but they are all motivated by your many many schemes."

"You took everything.
My entire life you took away from me.
But still, even so..
you act as though I somehow
owe you the death of me.
Or is it that you won't stop until I actually am dead?
Then again,
you seem to wanna keep attempting
to take things away from me, and continue causing me pain with your ongoing cycles of you hurting me to never end.
It's like you'd rather drag it out more
and more so I suffer slowly instead..

I honestly think that even if I were
to actually be deceased,
that you'd probably go
spit on my grave a few times,
and steal the flowers from its flower bed."

"Xanax for the pain inside my brain,
temporarily easing off of the full throttle gas petal that drives me insane.
Almost silencing all of the screams ,
and repetitive voices of my own self conscious, blaming self for all of my
regrets and broken dreams.
The calming of my ugly inner demons,
abusing me with the ways of their
constant torture..

I am still my own worst enemy,
and always will be,
evermore.."

She's extremely passionate, but lacks any sentiments of compassion and empathy.
She's unapologetic,
lacking all remorseful entities..
But at the same time she is so delicately fragile that underneath of it all,
she bears no substantial amount
of self worth.

"You were a precisely,
a poured tall glass of disaster.
Face covered with spots,
also known as freckles,
that are always concealed by loads of caked on consealer.
*** of a goddess,
the ultimate reason of my demise.

5 foot 4,
a devil in disguise..
To my surprise,
was the truth in reality
of falling for an evil *****.

When you're at your best down on your knees you're probably actually about
3 foot 3.
Your mouth in action,
in more ways than one,
was your best weapon..
So unbelievably deadly.

I was just another casualty,
Your capabilities of such unspeakable
evil savagery.
Articulated strategy,
of going in for the **** of my heart.
Looking me dead in my eyes,
as you smile in my face.
A ****** made artistry.

Proceed on with your kombat for the mortal finale.
Go ahead and finish me,
make it my fatality..
But don't forget to burn away
what's left of me."

"As the days go by,
little by little the memory of you fades.
Still every now and then,
I can see your reflection in razor blades.
I can read your lies in between
the lines I'm sniffin.
I didn't lose you,
because I never actually even had you.
I don't miss you,
because you can't miss what isn't real.
Who I lost is me,
so myself is who I'm missing.
You ripped my heart out of my chest
and you destroyed it,
but somehow I'm still here living.
Although can this really even be considered "living" ?..
I feel dead inside.
I'm not alive.
I'm simply just existing.."

"Loving her was a deadly form of self destruction,
with salt being poured on open wounds of depression.
Her introduction leaves unforgettable impression,
being the art of seduction.
A master of manipulation.
Life as you know it will be long gone before you can even start to taste her deception.
It's toxic girls like her that will never go out of style,
when you live in a world that everyone is selfish and no one is reliable.
Where we end up sharing beds with our own enemies,
and mostly each friend we make will soon be just another rival.
I myself am not perfect,
but I am authentic,
and the only thing I'm ever faking
is my smile"

"You were already broken,
I knew that from the very start.
I knew you were broke but
not exactly how much you were,
and with extensive amounts of unrepairable damage.
Having no idea how much you would
end up braking me and my heart.
You told me when we met that you are
a lot to handle,
but nothing about you and your
abilities to dismantle.
I think you kept me around to run back to me because although you would deny it,
you knew precisely just how much I loved you actually, and exactly everything that
you meant to me.
Whenever you felt unwanted by everyone, right into my arms you'd run.
I was your toy to play with for fun,
or to bend over for whenever
you wanted to ***.
You always said you didn't fit right
in this world,
that you were done with trying,
and you no longer wanted to live.
How you have nobody,
and no one who really loves you..
But there I was,
right there in front of you..
and I REALLY ******* did ..."

Truth be told as the lies unfold.
Face is numb, and pupils swole.
But still feel a sting from every eye roll
All that shimmers sure as hell ain't gold.
Heart turned cold.
Chop it, flip it, and stack some bank roll, profit made from all things that I once owned, but  is now everything from me that you stole.
What's next Satan ?..
Would you like to sell my soul ?..

I told you it all straightforward,
every single possible thing about me.
I laid it all out on the table for
you from the very start.
All of my pain and struggles,
Even all about my freshly wounded,
and unhealed broken heart..
You made me believe and had me so convinced about how wrongly
you've also been treated..
About you having a broken heart too,
and how all of the hurt hit u so hard,
that you're scarred,
and had been left out in the dark.
Though actually,
cold and heartless is what you really turned out to be.
Plenty of fish in the sea,
and I fell for a blood thirsty shark.
Really you made all of that **** up with all of those manipulating lies,
I should've known that you were as fake
as the ugly glued on lashes that you always wear at a length so long,
it's sort of like a guard..
In which I could barley even look
into your eyes.
It's like with my life,
you auditioned for a role just to play a part.
Where in reality,
I was the only one with an
actual damaged heart,
that actually was ripped and torn apart.
I guess the time just felt right as I instinctively gave u my heart.
But as it turned out..
my love was about as
declined as your credit.
Although you never did fail to say
"I Love You" when I'd break down,
and lineup thick white lines with your dormant credit card.
It's like I was the bright red round bullseye, to your freshly feathered dart.
It seems that my heart was the location
of that bright red round bullseye..
and maybe it was that your thrown dart was thick and extra sharp,
or a strong muscle in your arm,
or maybe you just genuinely
enjoy causing people harm.
I guess I'll never really know why,
but one thing I do know is that indeed,
you hit it really hard.
Now here in the end,
I realize after all the pain and suffering that you put me through that the auditioned role that u successfully got,
and played the part,
was really just a twisted plot of you ******* with my mind even more.
With a closing ending scene of you tearing down to pieces my once "broken",
but now far beyond repair,
destroyed and shattered heart..
What I really I hate the most,
is that I feel like such a fool
of how easily that it was me,
you could outsmart..
How I turned out to be the one
actually left out in the dark,
because really you did leave your mark,
that I'll now wear forever on my heart..
like a bright red round scar.

Never good enough is a feeling I know all to well,
Like a stained emotion in my brain,
that runs so deep down through my veins.
It's a seed of feeling you planted in me
and over time have watered routinely,
to grow immensely to the point of
where it is all that I know.
I've always been the target to all of your own regrets,
and the target practice never seems to end as you're incapable of grasping that the shots you fire conclusively leave me scarred with nothing but
unsolicited relics of your detriments. Those scars are permanent,
and your late apologies are nothing but pointless bandaids with weak adhesive.
At some point one may "forgive",
but one never forgets.

"The most delicate flower somehow held all of the power.
The lust inside her big brown eyes never lies.
I'll never forget the look in those eyes when I first seen the scars on her inner thighs.
Every time she adds another scar,
its like a piece of me dies.
She swears that I'm not the one.
but I always am the one who she calls whenever her current lovers turn away and run.
Her new relationships fail and she starts to come undone.
Underdeveloped, out of touch with her own self,
gave her everything she wanted,
but still was never enough.
Incomplete, never fully ripe just like the stupid
avocados that she loves so much.
Gave her the moon and the stars,
but she wanted the whole entire galaxy.
Though the whole entire galaxy was in her own eyes,
so it's something she could never see.
The truth is that she is the only one who could turn her own avocados into guacamole."