My pain,
Makes you smile.
Nothing better
Then hurting a child.

Your scolded,
Yet you resume.
Torturous
Each day at school.

And you continue ,
Until shame greets you.
But you pretend ,
And offend,

Until you find someone new.

My vision,
Is blurry.
I’m locked in a cage.
My tears,
They hurry down my face.
My mind,
In fury,
It has me insane.
For I wish to finally breathe again.

My thoughts.
So dark
They can’t be sought.

Little whispers
Cloud my head.
Triggers straight to my head.

Encrypting
Their teachings
Into my mind.

And I,
Now fallen,

Subjected to lies.

Am I incapable,
Of love?
No experience
From a world so tough.
No feeling
Through a heart so numb.
Yet I succumb,
Accept,
And move on.

I plea ,
So deeply.
To stop the pain
That can’t be seen.
To stop the rain
From flooding the sea.
To halt the shame
Built within me.

To let it stray and welcome peace.

To rain it falls,
Gently pouring on my head.

My arms ,
Drenched in blood.

Voices ,
Come and flee.

Cold and rigid,
Like my body.

For waters,
They weep.

As do others ,
For me.

Your superior.
And I,
Inferior.

A hurdle in your way,
An object on display.

A possession for your pride.
And I,
Wish to hide.

For your loving kindness
Was my demise.

Oh, father.
That little girl,
You met in September.

You left.

Remember?

Without a trace,
Nor a track.
Left mother nothing but a heart attack.

But, father,
Dare I ask?

Is there a chance
You will ever come back?

Alone again
It seems.
Visions of you haunt my dreams.

Your rigged frame,
Locked in bed.
No sign of life
Through eyes of red.

Yet I speak,
Laugh,
And cry on your form.

As your breath become heavy,
My heart becomes torn.

Why,
Can't I,
Bare the truth?

It seems that the trees
Know more of my roots.

For outside,
Is safe,
To no worries or feuds.

But I,
Must hurry,

To a home with no hue.

Your heart,
Beats with mine.
We intertwine,
Creating a tie.

One becomes two.
Bound to the heart,

Chosen for you.

From your gaze,
To your taste.
Wrapped gently in your embrace.
Gifted me goods,
No other could replace.

Though your words,
Left a trace.
The soul I once embodied ,
Now trashed like waste.

As the taste I once savored,
Now soiled from your flavor.

What a melancholy night.
Thoughts so loud
They shock me with fright.
Whispers of aid,
Created by me.
Comfort alone,
By naked trees.
More touch I receive
From fields of green.
Wiping tears gently onto my sleeve.

For all I desire,
Is true company.

!TRIGGER WARNING!
(Mentions of suicide)

The wind caresses my skin.
One feeling to lead me in.
The tide
So wide,
I am feeling a rush.
Combined with hushed
Whispers of a spirit once crushed.
Though she thrived
In a landslide,
In the sea she is pushed.

To the deep waters,
She is finally shushed.

I am proud,
Little one,
For your heart has sung.
Made your own little rhythm
To your own little drum.
You have grown with wolves
But still ,
You're a cub.
Your gentle manner
Has taught you to love.
To rise above
Your lowest points.
To trudge the mountains
And reach great heights.
And now little one,
You are ready to fly.
To sadness and regret
You now wave goodbye.

At the edge,
I sink to my knees.
Nothing to feel,
Nothing to see.

The touch of grass,
Tickling my feet.
Yet no laugh I bear
In my defeat.

But a beautiful creature
Passes by.
I catch a glimpse
With my teary eyes.
She's burnt with orange
And the darkest of blacks.
So small in size
With wings on her back.

She lands so softly
On my button-red nose.
Fluttering so gently,
Unbothered by the cold.

I hold her gaze
Until she's ready to go.
And flutter away,
She goes back home.

I should follow her footsteps,
It's getting quite late.
For her presence,
Though small,
Has encouraged me to stay.

I am warm in his arms,
Though no heart he bares.
Full of light and love
From soft little hairs.
No words he can speak
Yet so caring and sweet.
His forever smile
Brings purpose to me.

When times may arise
With doubt and fear,

One moment I carry is the cuddle of a bear.

To touch the dirt,
The soil,
The sand.
To feel it run gently
Through my hand.
To hear soft creaks
In the dead of night.
To hear birds sing
As they plan a flight.

Our simple surroundings,
Give solitude of mind.
For peace is rare
In this strange little life.

I feel strange.
I was once a glory
Put directly on stage.
I showed my ability
Yet you weren't amazed.

Instead, you scold me,
But wasn't I great?

'No', you told me,
'You need to change'.

A weight
Crashes on my chest.
Your tears
Burn through my skin.

No escape,
No rest.
As you slumber
Soundly in my bed.

A feeling of emptiness
Swarms my mind.
Your thoughts
Knock heavily into mine.

They sit and wait
Until I break the line.
And fix the knot
That just won't tie.

How can a thought
Become a threat?
Created strictly
Inside our head.
Tears and sweat
From ponders of fret.
False scenarios
We beg to forget.

That is us.
Tormented by upset.

See that little girl,
Running by the sea?
The one that feels joy
To the smallest of things.

Or perhaps that little boy,
Filling with joy.
Not a single emotion
He tries to avoid.

For these little beings,
Are a reflection of you.
In youth we still live,

As age only equals two.

Life,
So brutal,
So unkind,
Burning thistles in my eyes.

Thoughts cascade and haunt my mind.

But,
What a surprise!
The arrival of peace,

My hatred has ceased from the creation outside.

I let it in,
And breathe.
And finally,
I take a moment to smile.

So here I am,
Learning and living.

So little did I know,
Before believing.

These emotions,
We are feeling,
Have purpose,
Have meaning.

And that I,
Right now,
Am truly healing.

Though sky of clouds grow,
Not all is lost,
Beneath the snow.
For the sun still shines,
When Winter is cold.
But we adapt and grow,
And learn to know,
Of changing seasons,
To life and its woes.

I walked this earth,
Unaware of light.
A blindfold covered my weary eyes.

From day to night,
Roaming all alone.
My skin,
Like snow,
As cold as ice.

But you came along,
To warm my blood.
Took off the blindfold,
To show me love.

I am true and renewed,
And grateful for us.

Tossing,
Turning.
I wake in a sweat.

Remembrance of a night
I will never forget.

Your body was warm,
And I ,
On your chest.

Our lips,
Meet gently,
As we slowly undress.

Night fantasies,
Met,
As we fall into bed.

And your eyes,
Now wet,
While I throw on my dress.

Confused,
But sleepy,
We nuzzle and nest.

As the clock strikes twelve,
I wake in a sweat.

You have fled,
Out the door,
And left nothing,
But regret.

You were my safety.
A shortcut to heaven,
A happiness that saved me.

Perhaps you outgrew me?
You seem different lately.
Yet your eyes,
Speak a name.

One I heard you mutter,
But with a chuckle,
And for a moment,
You stutter.

But a flicker of reasoning,
Made me weak at the knees.

She was yours too,
Wasn't she?

The silence,
Is heavy.
As is my heart.

I am surrounded
With glory,
And great works of art.

I have books of plenty,
And luxuries of many.

Yet my mind,
And soul,
Are somber and lonely.

As I have glory to share,
But nobody,
To care.

You question my reasoning,
Yet I don't know why.

For why I have you,
At the top of my mind.

When my heart is bleeding,
You let me cry.

When you feel like leaving,
You come back to try.

But only I can see,
Your glories and joys.
You are a wonder,

And I am proud,
That you are mine.

Why?.
A question so repetitive,
It stifles my mind.

As the more I think,
The less I hide.

The more I speak,
The less I lie.

The more I feel,
The less I disguise.

For the more I live,

The less I am alive.

My truest darling,
I plucked a flower for you.
Vibrant,
And fragile,
Just like us two.

You were soft,
And supple,
Like these pretty petals.
I hold it closely,
Away from nettles.

I will water it daily,
On your behalf.
No matter if this breath,
Shall be my last.

And although you're beneath
The soil and sands,

This flower,
My angel,
Shall never leave my hand.

TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM

My body,
My punishment.
This world is cruel,
And I,
The puppet.

A stabbing sadness,
Shrivels my heart.
Pain,
Becomes painless,
As skin,
Becomes art.

Woes to wounds,
The sheets I have bled.
As a desire,
So deadly,

Leads me to temptation,
Again.

My love,
I built a house for you.
A sacred comfort,
A room for two.

For your woes and troubles,
Are mine to soothe.
For the path you face,

I will walk too.

And when I do,
I shall guide you home.
In the arms of mine,

You are never alone.

How joyous I would be,
If time would slow.
Take a breather,
Let us flow.

From hours to minutes,
They turn to seconds.
Living in limits,
Having no presence.

I deeply sigh,
For time is too rapid.
Too impatient to wait,
Too ravenous to stop it.

As now the clock,
Reaches to nine.
And here I lay,
Wishing,
Of a world without time.

My angel.
A mind so kind,
So curious.
You have rekindled my joy,
My purpose.

But now,
I can't help but feel alone.
As you walk down an aisle,
Smothered in rose.

And I,
Hold a lump in my throat.

You have finally grown.

Growth.
A beautiful thing,
For the mind and soul.

From young to old,
To secrets untold.

In youth I thrived
Through actions of bold.

As I have lived
Through thick and thin.

And let my story unfold.

But all is well,
For my soul is home.
In the arms of death,

I am free to roam.

Just once,
May I cradle
That child I hushed.

For youth I rushed,
And thoughts I pushed.

She was scared,
And forever flushed.

An innocent heart,
Squandered,
And crushed.

And now she lives,
With no recollection,
Of being a kid.

What awaits,
Beyond my fate?

One cannot distinguish my state.

But you,
Of course, can,

Or so you say.

I am frail,
But strong.
Correct,
Yet wrong.

I wish not to join
The melody of your song.

For I am me,
And I shall heal.
From your ignorance,
Judgment,
And inability to feel.
For although I am lost,

At least I am real.

I have been granted
The gift, of you.
A sweet, joyous angel,
With a heart made for two.

Your precious soul,
So radiant of light.
Beaming greatly,
From day till night.

My heart is full,
When yours is too.
For a blessing like you,

I refuse to lose.

Your eyes
Speak a thousand words.
But these words,
Seem wrong.

Your voice,
Once melodic,
Is off-key
To our song.

Have I hurt you,
My dear?
Is this all a lie?
You lay by my side,
Our hands intertwine.

But your kiss,
Is tired.
Your lips subside.
Oh no,
Darling,

Are you still mine?

I look at my wall,
It speaks no colour.
Bare,
Empty,
Since the season of summer.

Your soul left,
And I,
Left too.
But an idea
Came to me,
One lazy afternoon.

I looked at my supplies,
That were almost decaying.
I opened them gently,
And soon began painting.

Your favourite colours cascading
Yellow, green and blue.
The wall began drying,
As my tears did too.

For this mural,
Is sacred,
And I,
Am now feeling.
As another sun rises,
My heart welcomes healing.

I am lost,
Utterly lost.
A ghost,
In my own body.
A memory,
In my mind.
A restless soul,
Breaking inside.
My joy proving to be a lie.

Yet here I am.
Breathing,
Barely feeling,
Yet still alive.

For one moment,
I forget.
I am calm and free,
From regret.

I reset.
In the eyes of green,
I am hidden by trees,
Sitting by a stream.

Mind lost at sea,
I breathe.

Finally.

For one moment,
I am truly free.

Oh little one,
Your heart died so young.
Life can be a pain,
And you were stung.
You sought happiness,
In the arms of your own.
As joy did not exist
In the heart of your home.
Your carers,
Were made of stone.
Flashes of anger
Turned you cold.
But through this,
You continued to grow.
Be proud,
Little angel,
You have won this alone.

I am a floating flower,
Among the tallest tree.
My petals,
They fall once plucked from me.
My pollen
Decreases once ****** by bees.
My roots
Decay once ripped from leaves.
I am fragile,
Born from the smallest of seed.
Grown and sewn,
To the purest beauty.

But wanderer and ponderer,
Please let me be.

Desire.
Killing softer souls
Then meets the eye.

Screaming,
Drowning.
Running,
Empowering,

I am all but there.

My mind flares
With ideas
That the heavens wouldn't dare
To declare.

For life, I do not bear.

Numb to a feeling,
Born too daring.
Unwilling to sober,
Utterly uncaring.

That is I,
And I shall be until the end of time.
Where I sit against a wall,
Dimmer than my mind.

TW: Self-Harm

Mummy,
My flesh is my own,
Grown and sewn,
To skin and bone.

But my mind is hurt and I don't know why.

As the metal hit,
On leg to wrist,
It painted my body.

Nothing could stop me.

It was addictive,
Yet I am still alive.

Why?

From one to two,
Then some to a few.
I could not keep score,

My body is now torn.

One more taste,
Love.

One sigh
And I knew you were a waste.

Tough.

I crave your scent,
But you repent us.

Shame.

I am the match to your flame,
Your icing on the cake.

Mistake.

You have no choice,
Silly of you to think twice.

Nice.

Now you lie,
Wet in your tears.
Trying to hide away from your fears.

As your fear,
Is you and I.

Fine.

I guess i'll keep you with me,
For life.

For reason,
I recall.
You were frail,
Quite small.

Your body
Hung low,
Through trees of fall.

I rush,
As you're hushed in my arms.

A thrillseeker,
I am.
For your squeal
Begins to calm.

And now you land,
On the brim of the bank.

With a thump and thud,
Covered in mud,
I haul you strong,

As you're now a swimmer,
In the pond.