teach me how to breathe through all your lies

you were crying so much that day
tears and sweat marred
your face

when you heard my footsteps
you
look up
and ask

'do you love me?'

boy, i can't tell you
how much
those drops of ache
felt like a thousand beatings
to the
heart that have
always loved you
more
than anyone else [even you]

there is nothing to do
but hold you

framing your beauty
in my trembling palms

i kissed your eyelids
hoping against all hope
that
that contact
would be enough

i spent a great
deal of
my life
convincing you
that you matter

i look at you
as if
you are beyond this universe

every waking moment
was dedicated
into never making
you feel
less than your
true worth

so it came
as no surprise
that when i ask if you love me

you just smiled
and said

'thank you'

and i envy those who have been freed

those who were able to bleed

they had that chance to let their deaths seep into a surface other than their bodies

their ashes had been swallowed by the ever-present storm

what say they

to the people

who are still struggling

shamingly desperate

to find a puncture

a hole

any point of escape in their skin

just to get the void out

----mind you, they're decaying

and i ask the nothingness

is it okay that i am relieved that you're hurting too

that i eat those silent screams

wanna hear more of those stifled sobs

and holds those shards as if

you are them

darling

will you tell my heart to rest

you have been permanent in my life the second i told myself that ready or not, i will love you with all of myself and everything i have and didn't

and often

i wonder if your permanence have been finally stamped on by us leaving each other

like a box sealed tight with packing tape, ready to be delivered somewhere with destination

or a gift ribboned to be given to the one who actually should have it in the first place

on days i see you happy with the people you've been with after me and still with until now

i feel that deep love for you again

and no, it doesn't hurt as much as before

but it's still there, merging with a lot of feelings you didn't even know are possible to exist simultaneously

—of pain

the kind of pain you get when you badly miss something—someone—and you know that things have gone the way they should be and you learned a lot from it and you understand it now

but somehow, this

this is both a lesson and a heartbreak in one

there are still days that i let myself think that we could have done it, we could have gotten through it, and then 'only if' crawls its way behind that phantasm

i have accepted, really accepted, the fact that friendships come and go

that every fall out leads you to stumble into something that gives you more possibilities than before

that every pain is there to remind you that you got this and that you're going to get better, maybe not exactly on the time you want to be but soon, when every part of your being can breathe again without getting too much or too less oxygen but either way still leaves you gasping for breath

—of loneliness

the one that can only be felt when you laid everything to that person and felt like you've never been braver before and now, you don't know if you have enough left to be that fierce person again, to have that fire in you that both that person and you adore

loneliness always comes knocking at my door, most especially at times when the night is so silent and my head can't help but mirror my heart's content—filled with everything about that person

i understand that with surrendering my whole being comes with giving everything i have at my arsenal, that love will always come both ways: strength and weakness; happiness and sadness; determination and loss of will; courage and fear; love and pain

i get it

the twists and turns, the crooks and corners of everything where love and myself and that person is involved

but

i have been meaning to ask all those who have their heart broken the first time . . .

will i always carry this dull ache in my heart?

i never learn how to say the truth to my friends, unless they're good things
i'm not big on sugarcoating, but neither on being brutally and truthfully honest
most especially to you

i can never describe the fear and the anxiety of disappointing you
of just spitting the words i really wanted to say but always always too afraid or stricken to speak because you might just not get it and i might just end up hurting you instead of simply laying down my opinions

opinions
i have tons of them inside my head and they just stay there, waiting to be used on the day i'll finally find the courage to say that you're too much and the pain is sometimes unbearable and can you please stop or just pause because
because my heart is too heavy from all your accusations
my lungs too tight from this choked up feeling, for always letting you win without batting an eyelash and just opening your lips to let your own harsh words out

my soul, dear friend, is bruised too much
i can hardly recognized it because of the many stitches i sew on it every night so that it'll look like it's ready yet again for another war with you

you see
my mind is not that strong to block all your scary glares and your always present annoyed voice everytime i attempt to say what i want you to hear
i can't seem to dodge your blows as i try to turn my back on you because that will only give you more reason to think that here i am again, leaving you after all the time you picked me up and stayed with me

how can you not see that i am so. ****. tired.
of putting up with your *****
of your careless throwing of disguised-as-honest-but-really-are-just-hurtful words?
how?

this is the reason i left you before
and only by a circumstance i first thought was a blessing but is really just another opportunity for you to break me way worse than before
did we meet
and if there's something i learned from that
it's that i won't let you do that to me ever again

i'm one of them
as Cassie would say
the bent, but the unbroken

i never learn how to say the truth to my friends, unless they're good things
i'm not big on sugarcoating, but neither on being brutally and truthfully honest
most especially to you

i can never describe the fear and the anxiety of disappointing you
of just spitting the words i really wanted to say but always always too afraid or stricken to speak because you might just not get it and i might just end up hurting you instead of simply laying down my opinions

opinions
i have tons of them inside my head and they just stay there, waiting to be used on the day i'll finally find the courage to say that you're too much and the pain is sometimes unbearable and can you please stop or just pause because
because my heart is too heavy from all your accusations
my lungs too tight from this choked up feeling, for always letting you win without batting an eyelash and just opening your lips to let your own harsh words out

my soul, dear friend, is bruised too much
i can hardly recognized it because of the many stitches i sew on it every night so that it'll look like it's ready yet again for another war with you

you see
my mind is not that strong to block all your scary glares and your always present annoyed voice everytime i attempt to say what i want you to hear
i can't seem to dodge your blows as i try to turn my back on you because that will only give you more reason to think that here i am again, leaving you after all the time you picked me up and stayed with me

how can you not see that i am so. ****. tired.
of putting up with your *****
of your careless throwing of disguised-as-honest-but-really-are-just-hurtful words?
how?

this is the reason i left you before
and only by a circumstance i first thought was a blessing but is really just another opportunity for you to break me way worse than before
did we meet
and if there's something i learned from that
it's that i won't let you do that to me ever again

i'm one of them
as Cassie would say
the bent, but the unbroken

I wish someone taught you how to channel your anger
How to express your feelings
I wish someone was there to understand you when even you can't understand yourself.

I wish you were taught how not to hurt other people just so you can keep yourself from the pain.

I wish you learned all that . . . just so I was saved from you.

i have this constant ache and hollowness inside my chest

sometimes, it would wrap around my heart and squeeze it until it becomes painful

during those times, i might be talking to a friend and we're asking ourselves where we are that exact time next year, when college life hits us and everything is new--school, teachers, friends, goals and maybe, just maybe, when we finally know what freedom actually feel, if we will ever feel it

other times, we might just be talking over plateful of fries and coke and someone will ask me what university i'll be going to and just like usual, i will say whatever univ will give me a scholarship when i really want to say is that whenever you guys will go because **** it, i am sure that i might not be happy at first because it would make me feel pathetic for chasing people instead of my dreams but the thing is they're my people and aren't they dreams personified and i am also sure that after a while i will then feel safe and happy because although people wants to achieve things in order to be happy, i in contrast only want an assurance that they will be with me along the way and i don't care how long it will take for me to reach my goals (yes not dreams because they're that already) as long as they're still at least in my peripheral vision while i'm looking towards the finish line

you see, my greatest dilemma is how to tell people who ask you what you want that you only wish for them to always be with you without them feeling scared of you because you want them so much too much all the time especially when you thought that you'll never want nor need anything else as long as you have them

tell me how you tell people that you've never been certain of anything until they came and gently knock on your walls telling you that you won't need them anymore for they, your friends, are there to support and protect you and without knowing it you've already lowered down the walls that served as your haven during unforgiving times and for a long long while you've been so used to them being your post and for once you finally felt how it feels like to have those hollow parts covered by resilient structures such as them but unlike your haven which you left, they will be the one who will do the leaving but it would be okay for you because you know that stability is rare and you would be willing to wait even longer than usual just to feel secured again because those walls don't quite fit you anymore and new spaces are created by those who left you only for a while they say and promise to come back

come

the

****

back

will you be so kind as to tell me how certain people just seem to have the ability to catch your whole being and carve themselves in your ears arms tongue throat thighs legs head feet and make a dent in your soul as if their mere existence is not enough for you to make sure that yes they are real and they entered your life and surely wreak a havoc before leaving

it's as if they want to make a point : your soul, i touched it, was able to create a whole new universe, destroy something no one would be able to rebuild and you. know. it.

now, now

tell me how to forget

ipapakita ko sayo kung
anong nakikita ko
at sinasabi ko sa'yo
sabay nating mamahalin ang sarili mo

i like to think that someone saved me
i keep thinking that someone's there to tell me that I, being the strong girl that I am, can do this
my mouth have longed hope to utter these fragmented feelings to someone, anyone:
thank you for being there for me;
thanks for not giving up on me;
and thank you, thank you for staying with me, even if I gave you all the reason to just walk away from me

all parts of me keep dreaming
and like everyone who can't outlive reality and only reach things through dreaming
i don't want to wake up

i don't want to go back to that time
when I was too tired of waiting to be asked, 'how are you', that I just outright tell people how I'm feeling
and they only offer silence, thinking that for someone as resilient like me, it would suffice
after all, strongs can take on anything that come their way
even the overused I-don't-know-what-to-say silence

what do you do when
they still refuse to accept that strong people
no matter how strong they think they are
bend at times
they do refuse to break
but that doesn't mean that life's *****
doesn't make a dent on their soul
and i, thinking that i've given up on a lot of things before, refuse to give up convincing them that i needed help
i want them to help me
that when i say, 'i am strong'
i don't really feel like it
i just said that because no one else seemed inclined to say the very words to me
and i, in contrast, seemed to feel the need to hear them
an assurance that
i am not the only one who keeps thinking that way


even my lungs seem to think
that i don't need oxygen
to live |and to die|
it uses the overabundance of unspoken words to fuel the fading lights inside me

what do you do when only you thinks that you can't do it all by yourself?

when the knife is being twisted oh so slowly deep in my gut
i am imagine myself fighting back
in my mind's eye
i am twisting the same words to hurt you more than you're hurting me
'ugly.ambitious.selfish.thick-faced.stupid.reckless.ungrateful­.'

with the hilt of my words
you will wail
and beg
for me to stop
to please just stop it

and i wouldn't listen
because you didn't even
offer me a chance to breathe
from all the suffering

i will return the favor
and even after all of what you've done to me
i will still hesitate to give you the final stab
because that is what revenge does
it makes you pause and rethink
but only for a little while
afterwards, you will pick the weapon again
and give the final blow

i killed you right after it all

while you left me here—rotting to death

i still have mercy

she is sorry
for being so angry
sometimes
for being so intense
most times
for feeling too much
all the time
even with the most trivial of things
for always being ready to strike back
at the first sign of ache
and for always being on-the-move
so quick to pack her things
at the first sign of argument
for her soul is peppered with thorns
the sharp points turned inwards instead of out
and she can't help but yelp
even with the slightest of touch

her skin is still intact
but she is sure

yes she can feel it

there is a rupture within her

—and they just see them as bruises, nothing more

Ears straining to hear
Skin trying to feel
My eyes can see
The olden times, the antiquity.

Recognizing--your voice, features, habits
Feeling the longing and relief. Familiarity.
We're two energies joining
And with our forces fusing . . . again.

Carry the burden beneath my body
Throw the aches into the sea
Cry for the pieces forever gone
You won't be excepted from the pain.

Do not let the tears fall
Do not try to turn your back
Blood and sweat and wounds
Are all meant to scar your soul.

Never try to escape
For entrances and exits do not
Have any difference at all
Howl from pain, that's all you can do.

Do you not understand?
You are created to be destroyed
And given life to taste death
Always . . . always remember to to unbound the chains.

why can't I
just
simply get back
on
track, move on
and
continue facing the
battles
ahead? battles everyday
from
the moment i
lift
my limbs and
open
my eyes, only
to
see that the
world
i've
created for so
long
is
crumbling slowly and
painfully
in front of
me
and i can't
do
anything to mend
it?
when did i
ever
start to feel
this way?

there
are
days
when
I
can
see
the
light
shining
again

when the worst
of the worst
finally end, or
so I thought.
that's the time
when I will decide
to give life
another shot maybe
it's not always
that bad, right?
i will leisurely
set my feet
on the ground,
feel it steady
beneath my soles
i will think
that yes, i
can do this
just like before
when I bend
my legs and
start walking again,
i am silently
waiting for the
slight tremor where
even the breeze
makes my heart
pound so hard
before, i think
that i can
do this but
being here, my
mind screams that
no, i will
be forever stuck
where i am,
and I am
so **** scared
because that is
okay with me
being stuck i
can't help but
just accept this
cruel fate because
this is my fault
or it's not
really a fault
because i know
that i chose
this

this isn't
wrong it just
so happens that
doom and freedom
means differently for
different people and
i am one
of the few
who happen to
interchange the meaning
of the two.

i
am so weary
of
everything there were
days
that i feel
like
i can do it
i
can live like
i
used to but
i
just don't know
what
to do anymore
when
moments where i
feel
like everything is
so
pointless come should
i
let it? must
i
fight the feeling?
can
i even do either?

they say humans
are complicated or
rather they make
things complicated we
are the reason
for every single
thing that happens
in this world
then must i
blame myself for
feeling this way?

Why
can't
I
just
forget
the
feeling
of
failing
and
falling?
Why?

i
tried
to hurt
myself

and
explained that
i
didn't
mean it

i
looked
in her
eyes
and see
that
the knife
didn't
only pierce
my flesh
but also
her soul

-i am not the only casualty

she never
dreamed
of becoming
an angel

she
just wanted
to fly
and somehow

if
possible
touch the

         o      u
     l                d
c                         s

no, she
never dreamed
of going
nor entering
heaven
(she doesn't know if it even exists)

she
just wanted
to leave
the grounds
for a while
and see if
the fluctuations
are worth one's salt

-she's taking the biggest risk of her life

I didn't want to hurt you
But what would you do if the blade's digging too dip into your skin?
You push it back
And no matter what you do
You hurt the person holding--thrusting--it back to you from the other side

See?
We're both bleeding.

Sinabi ko naman sayo
Na may abandonment issues ako
Na dinaig pa ng pinandidirihan at kinatatakutan kong mga mahahabang bulate
Ang takot kong maiwan nalang basta basta

Para akong isang turistang naghahandang tumalon sa isang napakataas na bundok
Isa isang kinabit ang mga harness sa aking katawan
Maingat at ekspertong mga kamay ang siyang naninigurong ligtas ako sa gagawing pagsubok
Habang ako'y nanginginig at kinakabahan
Pinagpapawisan
Ang kamay, noo, paa, batok, likod, ilong at maging ang mga kili-kili
Malawak ang paligid at dapat ay maalwan ang paghinga
Ngunit ito'y tila kinakapos
Sige lang. Kaya ko to. Matatapos din to. Kasama naman kita, hindi ba?

Nagpaalala ang guide
Ngunit ako'y nag-aabang lang sa sinasabing signal
Tanda na magsisimula na ang pagbagsak

Ang lakas ng hangin
Hindi ba to makaaapekto mamaya sa amin?

Pinapwesto kami ng guide

'Pano kapag hindi ko kinaya?'

Nagbibilang na siya

'Matatapos ko ba?'

Ibaba na nila.

'Hindi na mahalaga. Kasama ko naman siya.'

Isa


Dalawa


Tat--

Teka. Teka. Asa'n ka na?

Tinanong ako ni Annah
Kung maayos na tayo
Ang sabi ko
Ayon, normal naman.

Normal
Kelan pa tayo nauwi sa normal nalang?
Ah. Naaalala ko na.

Nagsimula tayong maging normal
Nang isang araw hindi mo ko matingnan sa mata
Ni hindi mo ko makausap kung hindi ka titingin sa baba
At kapag naman kailangang ikaw
Ang unang magsisimula ng usapan
Dinaig pa ng kapal ng usok sa kalakhang Maynila
Ang nakaiilang na atmospera
Sa pagitan nating dalawa.

Nagsimula tayong maging normal
Nang hindi na tayo nagsasabay umuwi sa hapon
Nang simulan **** isipin na ayos lang na umuwi nang walang paalam
May kasabay ka kasing iba.

Nagsimula tayong maging normal
Nang nahihirapan na kong
Magsimula ng usapan sa pagitan nating dalawa
Sa kung paanong sinasalamin ng Messenger sa pamamagitan ng ellipses
Ang mga katagang nais ko sayang itanong sa iyo
Ay sandali, online naman si Annah, siya nalang ang tatanungin ko
(Pwede kaya kong sumabay sa kanya?)
Wag na nga. Alam ko naman ang patungo doon.

Nagsimula tayong maging normal
Nang tanungin mo ang kagrupo natin sa kung ano ang gagawin
Gayong ako na kagrupo mo rin ang nasa iyong harapan
Pumunta ka pa talaga sa kanya
Ganyan ka kailang?

Normal naman sa atin ang hindi mag-usap nang madalas, hindi ba?
Normal lang naman kung makakalimutan **** may katulad ko
Na bukas palad na tinanggap ka
Noong mga panahong durog na durog ka na, hindi ba?
At bahagi din ng pagiging normal natin
Kung mas pipiliin **** burahin nalang ang mga nakaraan natin, hindi ba?

Nilalamon ka ng kalungkutan. Nasasaktan.
At isa akong napawalang kwentang kaibigan
Kasi hindi kita napatahan
Sa mga panahong tahimik **** isinisigaw
Ang mga bagay na sa tingin mo ay walang makauunawa
Wala akong karapatang masaktan
Kasi hindi ako naglakas-loob na tanungin
Kung anu-ano ang mga bumabagabag sayo
Hindi ko dapat indahin ang sakit ng pang-iiwan mo sa akin
Gayong para na rin kitang iniwan
Nang hayaan kitang unti-unting kumalas sa pagkakaibigan natin
Wala akong karapatang manumbat
Kasi hindi ko man lang sinubukang tanungin
Kung ano nang nangyayari sa iyo
Kaya mo pa ba?
At hinding hindi ko rin aangkinin
Ang karapatang sa una'y wala na sa akin
Na maging sandalan mo
Sapagkat hindi ko man lang nasabi
Na ayos lang na ikaw ay humugot ng lakas sa akin
Ayaw mo, oo
Kasi sa tingin mo pabigat
Ayaw mo, oo
Kasi sanay ka na sa demonyong kalungkutan
Na paulit-ulit lumalamon sayo
Minsan nawawala, ngunit laging bumabalik

Pagbalik-baliktarin ko man ang sitwasyon
Hindi lang ikaw ang nang-iwan
Iniwan din kita
Iniwan kita
Patawad
Patawad
Pakiusap, patawarin mo ko.

Madaling makalimutan ang mga magagandang bagay
Ngunit mahirap iwaksi mula sa makulit na isipan
Ang idinadaing ng pusong nasugatan at patuloy na nahihirapan

Kaya bilang pakunswelo sa tulad kong nagmahal sayo
Iniisip ko na lamang na isa ako sa mga magagandang bagay sa buhay mo
Kaya madali mo 'kong nakalimutan.

Huli kong bulong sa sarili
'Ayos lang 'yan. Makakausad ka rin. Magtiwala ka.'

Uusad at uusad ka rin.

Kaibigan, patawad ulit.

Hold yourself
Like it's fragile and sensitive
Hold yourself
Like it's monumental and worthy

Hold yourself
Like the way you wanted to carry
your favorite books
and soft pillows and precious gifts
Hold yourself
Like how you wanted to claim your dreams and wishes and longings
Hold yourself
Like how you wanted to hang on to an amazing person with a spacious heart
Open only for those brave enough to enter

Hold yourself
Like a human who's easily touched
by sweet good mornings and late night chats and heart-warming greetings
Hold yourself
Like a person who easily gets hurt and cries unabashedly

Hold yourself
Like how you hold a worn photograph and see in it the light and wonder of being alive and wanted
Hold yourself with a strong grip and powerful arms
Caress it with gentle hands and blow it thousands of kisses it deserve
You are much more than a short embrace or even a goodbye peck
You're mystery and beauty  
Brilliance and depth, personified
Hold all of yourself
Every piece, nook and corner
Every section and fragment
Hold yourself, my dearest
Simply because you can.

with the raging wind
as our enemy
you threw the rope
down at me
i clung to it
tightening my grip

up

up

up

i climb


midway through the ascent
confusion washed over me
for i expected you to continue
pulling me up

gently and hesitantly
i tugged at the rope
to call your attention

'continue?'

you never bothered to look down
and I never
ever bothered
to hold onto anything else
beside the rope
our rope

it was too late to see that I was falling
and broken bones
are just one
of my many shattered pieces

only after i was ashes
did I understand
why the highest soar
has the most painful drop

-i can still remember how both my skull and heart crack open

In the silence of the night
Bitter winds bite
Starless night encage
The words
That should be said

Atop the highest rocks
A small flower stands
Singing the lullaby
To deep slumber
Calmness, it offers

Cruel storm approaches
Darker, darker
Wind crushes all
Harder, harder
At last, the flower fell
Deeper, deeper

Destroyers passed
And then, another day
Sky still spreads
Wind still hums
Cycle repeats
But without the flower.

people keep telling
me to give up
because that's
where I am
surely headed
they
didn't know
that I don't
need
them to
tell me that
because I
already did
long before the first
syllable leave
their mouth.