Then:
I lay my head to a green and a brown pillow
The latter clutch tightly in my left hand
Slowly, ever so slowly
I use my right to wipe the tears
And put the pillow next to my mouth
To cover up the scream thrumming painfully from my throat

I will my voice to wail the unfairness of it all
Like how certain people just seem to have what they want
Others more than what they need
I never let myself believe I can have both
Nor deserve either
Yet when He asks me
I replied, "Can I have one? Just . . . one thing I badly want?"

I thought it was that
At last I know what I desire
Finally, I have a path to go on my own choosing
At long last, a place I really want to be
exists

But wanting and having have always been different
Their words stretch far away from each other
Their meanings, farther
Not wanting to meet if the occasion's not rare
Always apart
Never to start, especially if just for me

How cruel it must be
To have that certainty
Only to be denied, again

and

Again,
NO
Again?
NO.
Once agai--NO
. . . Once again, again
When will that line be familiar?

Now:
I lay my head to a green and a brown pillow
The latter clutch tightly in my left hand
And fought the almost habit way of folding my fingers into a prayer
What is the use
Of asking of hoping of wishing of praying

Slowly, ever so slowly
Sleep comes
Dreamless one.