i have come to terms with the fact that in order for me to go on every single day of my life
i have to feel
i mean not feel-feel
but you know
feel as in act like there is something burning inside of me aside from numbness, apathy, and i dont know ... resenting the existence of feelings?

so i will tell you all about my feelings
hey, listen

so i am mad at you
mad at you for not bothering to check up on me
today i saw you on my way home
talking to people that i do not know anymore
as you saw me and i saw you
i raise my hand like this*, give a little wave and was very determined to not have an eye contact with you for more than three seconds
because according to the books entitled "How to Look Like You Don't Care That Much About Them Anymore", i am supposed to look ahead, keep walking, and basically act like i didn't want to go towards you because i desperately wanted a hug from a person who claims to be my friend
who told me she admired me
and she treats be as a "bestfriend" and calling another that same title

(i mean sure
maybe you can indeed have two bestfriends
and the rule on superlative degree should adjust)

so i walked ahead and shut that thought
that there is a possibility that i can really get that hug
because in this universe
you will never initiate something
anything
for me

let's face it
you don't care
and you are the best teacher ever


there

this is not a poem


this is a thank you note

in the interest of all that is supeficial (see also our friendship)
i.
sincerely.
thank.
you.

you do not know how the shards you have made of me were the ones i used to cut myself

if you know
i remember i am supposed to have feelings

darling, thanks for maiming me