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AtMidCode Jan 2020
i have come to terms with the fact that in order for me to go on every single day of my life
i have to feel
i mean not feel-feel
but you know
feel as in act like there is something burning inside of me aside from numbness, apathy, and i dont know ... resenting the existence of feelings?

so i will tell you all about my feelings
hey, listen

so i am mad at you
mad at you for not bothering to check up on me
today i saw you on my way home
talking to people that i do not know anymore
as you saw me and i saw you
i raise my hand like this*, give a little wave and was very determined to not have an eye contact with you for more than three seconds
because according to the books entitled "How to Look Like You Don't Care That Much About Them Anymore", i am supposed to look ahead, keep walking, and basically act like i didn't want to go towards you because i desperately wanted a hug from a person who claims to be my friend
who told me she admired me
and she treats be as a "bestfriend" and calling another that same title

(i mean sure
maybe you can indeed have two bestfriends
and the rule on superlative degree should adjust)

so i walked ahead and shut that thought
that there is a possibility that i can really get that hug
because in this universe
you will never initiate something
for me

let's face it
you don't care
and you are the best teacher ever


this is not a poem

this is a thank you note

in the interest of all that is supeficial (see also our friendship)

you do not know how the shards you have made of me were the ones i used to cut myself

if you know
i remember i am supposed to have feelings

darling, thanks for maiming me
this is a how i tell you i do not want you in my life anymore
keep the door open on your way out
AtMidCode Apr 2019
teach me how to breathe through all your lies
AtMidCode Apr 2019
you were crying so much that day
tears and sweat marred
your face

when you heard my footsteps
look up
and ask

'do you love me?'

boy, i can't tell you
how much
those drops of ache
felt like a thousand beatings
to the
heart that have
always loved you
than anyone else [even you]

there is nothing to do
but hold you

framing your beauty
in my trembling palms

i kissed your eyelids
hoping against all hope
that contact
would be enough

i spent a great
deal of
my life
convincing you
that you matter

i look at you
as if
you are beyond this universe

every waking moment
was dedicated
into never making
you feel
less than your
true worth

so it came
as no surprise
that when i ask if you love me

you just smiled
and said

'thank you'
-this is too much; now i know why i felt like no value was left within
-no, well maybe, yes, (you are) partially at fault
-*******, dear
AtMidCode Feb 2019
and i envy those who have been freed

those who were able to bleed

they had that chance to let their deaths seep into a surface other than their bodies

their ashes had been swallowed by the ever-present storm

what say they

to the people

who are still struggling

shamingly desperate

to find a puncture

a hole

any point of escape in their skin

just to get the void out

----mind you, they're decaying
have to get through this, fella
AtMidCode Sep 2018
and i ask the nothingness

is it okay that i am relieved that you're hurting too

that i eat those silent screams

wanna hear more of those stifled sobs

and holds those shards as if

you are them


will you tell my heart to rest
  Sep 2018 AtMidCode
cherry blossom
Baka sakali lang naman na alam ko ang tinutukoy mo
Nag-iba bigla ang sinasabi ng mga mata mo
Noong sinabi **** 'alam mo na yon'
Pasensya dahil hindi ko kayang kumonekta ng ganon kabilis
Natatakot pa akong magtanggal ng damit
Natatakot pa akong ipakita ang tunay na ako
Patawarin mo ang kahangalan ko

Siguro hanggang paghaplos
Hanggang pagkapit mo sa mga braso ko
At ang manaka-nakang paghawak mo sa mga pulso at kamay ko
Paghawak mo sa ulo ko at sabay ang paghaplos sa buhok ko,
At ang pagkawala ng mga 'to
Dahil madalas na ang pag-iwas mo sa mga mata ko.

Pero saglit,
May tradisyon pa tayong gaganapin
Magkasamang haharapin ang sakit
Sana maabutan pa natin ang buwan na mahahaluan ng mga ngiti
At pagsambit
ng mga lihim
Sana interesado ka pa dahil ganon kabilis
nagbago ang isip
Walang wala sa bilis ng paglakad mo sa susunod na destinsyon
Bakit ganon kabilis?
Kaya saglit,
Ngayon lang ako magpapahintay kaya sana 'wag ka munang mainip.
Hangal, oo hangal
Ang sabog pero hahaha
AtMidCode Apr 2018
you have been permanent in my life the second i told myself that ready or not, i will love you with all of myself and everything i have and didn't

and often

i wonder if your permanence have been finally stamped on by us leaving each other

like a box sealed tight with packing tape, ready to be delivered somewhere with destination

or a gift ribboned to be given to the one who actually should have it in the first place

on days i see you happy with the people you've been with after me and still with until now

i feel that deep love for you again

and no, it doesn't hurt as much as before

but it's still there, merging with a lot of feelings you didn't even know are possible to exist simultaneously

—of pain

the kind of pain you get when you badly miss something—someone—and you know that things have gone the way they should be and you learned a lot from it and you understand it now

but somehow, this

this is both a lesson and a heartbreak in one

there are still days that i let myself think that we could have done it, we could have gotten through it, and then 'only if' crawls its way behind that phantasm

i have accepted, really accepted, the fact that friendships come and go

that every fall out leads you to stumble into something that gives you more possibilities than before

that every pain is there to remind you that you got this and that you're going to get better, maybe not exactly on the time you want to be but soon, when every part of your being can breathe again without getting too much or too less oxygen but either way still leaves you gasping for breath

—of loneliness

the one that can only be felt when you laid everything to that person and felt like you've never been braver before and now, you don't know if you have enough left to be that fierce person again, to have that fire in you that both that person and you adore

loneliness always comes knocking at my door, most especially at times when the night is so silent and my head can't help but mirror my heart's content—filled with everything about that person

i understand that with surrendering my whole being comes with giving everything i have at my arsenal, that love will always come both ways: strength and weakness; happiness and sadness; determination and loss of will; courage and fear; love and pain

i get it

the twists and turns, the crooks and corners of everything where love and myself and that person is involved


i have been meaning to ask all those who have their heart broken the first time . . .

will i always carry this dull ache in my heart?
—would it really make a difference to chug it out of my ribcage

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