What a lonely place it is when the grace of a pause is not given.

Between patients and rationality- all the filters that each data point wiggles through. To calculate how to disarm the bomb, without sacrificing myself.

What a waste, all this energy spent to go unrealized, and not truly appreciated.
A thousand apologies nor gratitude wishes can equate to the power a single breath, a pause, can make.

My favorite meal (apparently)
Is eating crow
****** every day
Devoured like ice cream
On a hot day
I'm a hot mess
Words equate land mines
Going off without warning
Disguised as words
Play me a fool
I thought I was helpful
But alas
Set the gasoline on fire
Let it light the way
Use me as a bridge
And light me aflame
And they say
You should talk more
What do I get from that
Besides explosions
And feathers in my teeth
But with lips sewn shut
I won't be eating anything
So crow is better than nothing
Only because starvation
Takes 45 days
I lack the patience

This illness encompasses me.
A ghost of the mind, haunting my existence.
Even in the brightest moments it finds the instant out.
Laying in the deep, old fashioned tub, relaxing as the ghost whispers.
Of the romanticism of tubs like this and early exists.
In these moments I laugh to myself: "of course you'd think that."
Corruption of the spirit.
Errors of the mind.
I wish heights were just terrifying and not lethargic calls to actions.
Unprompted these thoughts corrode my soul like battery acid.

My favorite time of the day lately
Is when everyone else in the house is sleeping.
This is my alone time.
Laying in my cocoon of warm blankets
I take in the silence
My mantra ensues

This is my time
And no one can take it from me.

I get lost in daydreams that fade into real dreams.
And as I hit snooze on my alarm the mantra continues

These next 10 minutes are mine and mine alone.
I am safe in my cocoon and I am safe in this room.
Hold on to this feeling of calm.
The day will pass at times constant speed.
No one can change that no matter how it feels.
This is my time
No one can take it from me.

I will not carry
any unnecessary weight,
because the world is heavy enough.

I will not compare myself to others,
and feel guilty about my shortcomings
because each experience is unique.

I will not let failure consume me
with guilt, but I will carry the anxiety
because I do want to be better.

I will no longer torture myself
because I feel I'm supposed too.

I will allow myself to experience forgiveness from myself.

I dance around these moving goal posts
With poise and grace

While it eats away at my mental health
And my stability with it.

Hope you enjoy the lie.

I need to stand up,
but I am to heavy;
apathetic; hollow.
I wasn't expecting this,
I'm so sorry.
I failed you.
I can't distract myself from reality.
This is all my fault.
I should have treated you better,
I was just so tired; overworked; overburdened.
I brought you into my hurricane
only to be buried a child.
I'm so sorry I couldn't teach you,
to find a way to make you listen;
make you look up.
I loved you to death,
I'm sorry I was to jaded to give you what you needed.
I miss you so much,
I didn't expect this to be so heavy.
I keep seeing your joyous face,
and then the hole in the ground.
Child, I am so sorry.
You deserved better,
you deserved a long life,
you deserved open air.
I did the best I could,
but I can't make you look up,
I can't make their car stop,
I can't wake you up.
I failed you young one.
I'm so sorry.

You know that feeling,
of not wanting to go home?
Because you know there is some trigger there, just waiting behind the door.
Or somewhere in the hall closet,
or kitchen cupboard.
When the wrong tone rolls off the tongue and you end up eating crow for dinner, in total silence.
The hollowness grows like a **** in your chest.
Ceaselessly creating shelters just to watch them burn.
Eggshells crack like atom bombs,
and this emptiness grows heavy with each passing step.
When your biggest wish is to come home to smiling faces.

Aim to be the person
you dreamed you'd be as a child
in spite of the world crushing your dreams.

I thought
by 27
cutting myself
would be off the table.
Rather I'm carving pictures
on the table,
wishing it would bleed.

What if I allow myself,
to be myself,
while still being happy?

What if I stop
being the bully,
and become cheerleader full time?

What happens when I just trust myself
as a default?

Well then I guess,
I'd be free.

They are somewhat like a smudge of coal dust
on a white wedding gown

He craves a feeling he cannot grasp
And so he spirals in the darkness
Into the womb of existence
Just wanting to prove himself
To declare "I'm worthy of life, see me!"
As he feels invisible, despite his best efforts
He is more a ghost than a man,
Even so, he lacks spirit.

She wants to be happy
A feeling she cannot define
Gnashing teeth; molded smile
To blend into the crowd
She is an actress forever in the spotlight
Every street, train car, and public sphere
She assimilates to the point of amnesia  
She longs for something easier;
Some kind of relief she can't articulate nor manifest.
Imprisoned by illness of mind, of body -
Her façade shifts to reality as her reflection grows unfamiliar
She tries so hard to differentiate authentic self from the other
But the lies all blend together, leaving her dizzy

Ground in the blinder of life
Their hearts poured through a strainer
She grasps the strings
He weaves them into ropes that hold them together.
Be it kindness or cruelty, the act carries the stench of survival

They are one, and
They are magnets facing
Opposite direction
Jaded jigsaw pieces forced together.
Then called a pretty picture.
They crave singularity
Balance of both body and mind.
A work in progress, they ride the wave
Hoping to wash ashore more whole than before.

I am a lover, a dreamer, and someone who hides their pain well.
Just as death is inescapable, so are these broken nerves and mixed signals.
So is the reality that I'll never escape the pain, and the daily battle to smile and not mention the hundreds of error messages sent through my veins.
A reality that broke me once, twice, and countless times to come.
My head swims in unrelated words and feelings all processed at once.  

Making yourself a public martyr via claiming caretaker doesn't mean **** if your words of care and comfort are engraved with my name yet only serve your desires.
I am weak, I fall apart, and I am the glue that strengthens and repairs this invisible damage I was born with.
I am not a scapegoat nor an excuse.

Remember, remember the 5th of November, and remember the point of the plot.

That blind obedience and fear of others is what spoiled the ***.

At times, it sounds like crowds are cheering, when I'm sitting in a silent room.

With my lower jaw working on a merger with my upper. I take a deep breath and sigh.

Until I hear the silence.

I stumbled upon your linkedin yesterday,
and saw you frozen in time.
Read through an articulate and proud bio, and wished that that was still you embodied.  
Before all the pieces crumbled apart.
I didn't realize that it would haunt me.
What a feeling it is, to know you're alive, while mourning as if you're gone.
I would give you all my hope if it had a chance of saving you.

Never take for granted
The energy it takes
To subdue the knee **** reaction of
"Go **** yourself"

Spent countless days waiting and wishing for someone to come save me.

Until I stood up and realized the whole reason I am here is to save myself.

I could never own a gun,
I'm too much of a risk for that.

I keep pen to paper
As if these words will heal me

I keep lips together
As if no words will save me.

It's not that music defines me,
It just helps me explain to myself how I feel.

I love you,
despite the many failures
The true and perceived.
I want to hear about it all
be here through it all.
I wish you'd respond.
I hope you know you're worth more than you're giving yourself.
This doesn't have to be the final chapter.

2020 the year weather was borderline irrelevant in my world.

Sometimes the path forward is obvious
But is hard to swallow
So we choose to choke on ignorance
Until one day we remind ourselves we know the right path
All we must do is choose to walk forward.

I am ready to fly off the rails.
I am prepared for the fallout.
I am filled with rage.
I am awaiting the toxicity.
I am craving the release.
I am unable to let go.

So I'll stay here.
In the repetition of misery.

I am not.

There is a war in me that rages.
To speak up or not speak up
Is always the point of contention.

I do not know when to ask for help
Or even how for that matter
But I'm so tired of feeling alone.

I wish I knew how to pull
The coiled wire from my chest
To alleviate pressure, any pressure.

So I can breath again.

For all these years I've been gifted
I'm just curious
When do I start to enjoy them?

I am the settler
The assimilated puppet.

I am the beacon
To avoid, not follow.

I am the lost soul
Who can't articulate how the feelings manifest.

I am the child
Who can't express what they need.

I'm shooting the high horse
So step off
Or go down
Your choice.

And in an instant
The realization swept me
The weight of all these years

All the lies
Like an avalanche
That I've told myself

It's okay
It's fine
I'm okay

How buried am I
How forgetful
As if I haven't done this before  

It's harder this time
I am so lost
In myself

In an instant
My words overflowed
From their mouth
Taken out of context
Without conscious consideration
Without control of emotion

Perspectives are locked in
And I am the root source
Of all of this tension
Simply because I was seeking release
Of tension - ironic

In an instant
The door was closed
And I, locked inside
I can't ignore this
I can't change it
So I am left with rehashes
And fake smiles.

I am fake smiles personified
In a hollow existence
With goal posts, always moving
I am in a head spin
Trying to figure out
Where the **** to aim

Isn't it a bit hard
To find meaning
In what you're doing right now
When you know
That it isn't
Helping -- even remotely
Slow down the mass extinction
Your species created?

There are a million ways you can divy it up
Justify it, add perspective, be realistic about your impact.
Which ultimately IS minimal
But could be larger
Maybe
If we all did... something?
Together?

Stop the world and find a common focus
Like the world always does
... In action movies
Usually because... Aliens
Which pose an immediate threat

A threat our brain can understand
Not this delayed doom
That feels so far away
... far away...
Until it's here

Is it too late?

Worst thing is that we **** 99% of all life on the planet.
Maybe this is just the 1% at it again
Taking it all for themselves.

At times our conversations feel like they're in a tumble dryer.
Spinning into mindless repetition and progressively heating up.

Seeking to thrive
despite status quo forces
pulling me to center.
I keep aiming for stars.