I am a lover, a dreamer, and someone who hides their pain well. Just as death is inescapable, so are these broken nerves and mixed signals. So is the reality that I'll never escape the pain, and the daily battle to smile and not mention the hundreds of error messages sent through my veins. A reality that broke me once, twice, and countless times to come. My head swims in unrelated words and feelings all processed at once.
Making yourself a public martyr via claiming caretaker doesn't mean **** if your words of care and comfort are engraved with my name yet only serve your desires. I am weak, I fall apart, and I am the glue that strengthens and repairs this invisible damage I was born with. I am not a scapegoat nor an excuse.
Feeling used. Feeling like a joke. Feeling overwhelmed
Joints simply electric. Aware of every muscle. Feel heavier today, Did I wake up on Jupiter? No, just barometric pressure. Each step a chore; Try not to let it show. My mind compensating, Trying to ignore what the brain perceives. By then end of the day I am wasteland. Existence becomes intolerable. It's times like these I forget, That my minds on constant auto pilot. "It's not pain it's pressure" "It's all a misfire" "This isn't real." Without a rested mind, I melt, I burn, I'm plagued by electric waves. Harshly remained of what I daily ignore. Some days I can't do it, Today is one.
I wrote this during a pretty intense flare up. During a time when I was overburdened with many existential factors of life that I could not focus on ignoring the pain - and so - I was harshly reminded about how important it is to my condition to have a healthy mind.