it’s starting to feel like I enjoy doing things that remind me of you
like being emotionally unavailable
or becoming untranslatable when I tell him something vague about where I’ve been
i’m sure you spoke those words to me
it feels strange now, embodying the lies you fed me
but I’m just as hungry and
All the fresh fruit become rotten eventually

i think I like having casual *** as a way to say *******
******* for making me unable to love
unable to enjoy anyone else
ruining me for everybody
for making me feel like I was hard to love and easy to lose
i still stare at scars and tears flicker through the overlapping years
At what point did my bare skin became stained?
At what point did you carve your name?

you were my storm drained rock
i couldn’t keep it together in the rain
maybe rivers flow through and through
and she led you back to the pacific
It was a specific night;
I came back to the edge of that lake before
The only thing that had changed was I enjoyed it more when I was with you

raindrops trickled on that lake; the reflections blurred
there where blue skies and white clouds before
now it’s you and her
and I just can’t unsee it

I’d love to sleep in her arms
To understand why I leave you there
I bet she doesn’t shy away from phone calls
I sit in the waiting room clenching my teeth
You are in the other corner tapping your feet
No one calls us to bridge the gap that told us we where incomplete
Or dying
they always made us wonder why we weren’t good enough
To be together, obsolete
I know you see it for what it means


It’s daytime in the waiting room and it’s quieter than the screams you’re used to
I wish someone held your hand as you took your first steps
When everyone told you you was weak
I believed you were strong


You’re a mirror I talk to when I want to know me
I ask you to tell them about it if it’s bothering you that much
But your meaning defines your deceit
I don’t blame you for using a fake surname or using a lie to come to terms with the politics of loving no one

I like to think that you govern my emotions
Because there is a party here you’d like to lie about attending
One with a genuine pretence for the future
A bit like our prime minister

She’s wearing a mask just to protect herself from spending time in hospital
It pays well
She knows those floors and walls as well as I do
I was a patient there, she ran the ward
She took my blood and placed it in a tube
I waited to see if it could tell them how much I loved you
It couldn’t
So I didn’t say anything

You make me feel like I could handle a pandemic
You also make me feel sick

curl up into a ball but don’t cry
wear your favourite night gown and make yourself a cuppa
remember the time he stabbed you in the back?
yep that’s why we’re sleeping alone
what arouses your appetite?
we never have to taste that bitterness again
I’ve made up my mind
theres no space in my heart
For you, or anyone to own
A lovely warm cinnamon candle burns on my bedside table
we’re even warmer feeling that we can be our own provider
Play my favourite music, never have to listen to your **** again hah
my heart needed healing it’s a blessing I have to stay at home
it’s safe to say
yep we’re finally moving on💖

yes my bedroom windows open but at least it’s not my heart and yes i still leave the light on in case you see it in the dark  yes I know you have to pass it when you drive home alone but I’m not certain anymore if your seeing someone
I wish I could past my test just to lose my drivers license over drug driving ticket that i got just to say I broke the law because with my feet on the pedal and my hand on the door nothing will ever hurt as much as losing the movement I felt when I was in yours
So I’ll sit pretty, in the passenger seat just like I did before yes you’ll touch my skin while I weep a little more hoping in my head you love me and I’ll always be yours because you ****** me there too many times for you to be unsure?
Well you’ll ask me where to? And I’ll say to the stars because the destination is never enough, however far yes I’ll end up in the back seat naked in your palms because if I take my clothes off you’ll remember it’s ours
But as we come to the end. There’s not enough speed in your car for our final destination til’ death do us part
Yes we are Bonny and Clyde but more rogue because you said forever and now you’re just a ghost I hope you remember me that night when I loved you the most because I finally took the steering wheel and drove into a post

did you ever look to see if my window was open
like I looked for your car hoping to see you in motion
why do I always go back there?
like a grave of a loved one, I would still visit the thought of you every day
bringing along fresh flowers
is seems that the stone heart you gave me is stuck inside the ground
like the time I would beg to lay down in your arms
one glimpse and I worship your presence
maybe I romanticize the death of our love
boats were never made to stay on the shore
planes were not meant to lift high for those who can't pay them for
silence is more defeaning than the word goodbye
I cant see what the sun tries to tell me about you
if you've closed your eyes

I wish you didn't say hi
show interest in my poetry and the look in my eyes
then no one's hand had ever made you hard before
no one's brain sounded as smart as yours
the one who listens while I read
the one I shouldn't want to need
when I did drugs but my main addiction was your love
our slumber as we lie awake
where is my soul that you take
give back the me i lost on the way
and the you that left unlike you said

You turned bitter and cold
And that’s when the wind told me you were drifting away
Icebergs on warm hearts
And dark clothes that cover deep scars
I wore long sleeves
The sunset and the daylight rose
The only closure you gave me was silence
And the moonlight sky’s outside my window
Got darker and harder
the frost, the fog
Frozen in time
Like my passion and lust for had never gone, and you were still mine
waiting for you to come back is like waiting for snow in the Sahara desert
And consumed my time like the countdown for Christmas
Counting from January the 1st
And not knowing if you’ll make it to the end of the year
The peace wasn’t deafening and the space not as far and wide
but the look in your eyes and the way that you cried on the car did nothing but break me inside
I still whisper ‘oh baby’ as if you would fall back into my arms
As if you could hear my cries
Ghosting my mind as if you’d died
And how can I hold you if you couldn’t get further out of my reach
You were so hard to leave
To hard for me to tell myself it wasn’t you it was me
Yeah I admit I was toxic but these toxins make me bleed
and you’ve not got one scar
But what do I know?
I’m the one who broke your heart and you left me in the dark
I’m emotionally unavoidably attached indescribably sad and unconsciously mad about you

dying to see you is like watching glass shatter in front of your eyes
You jump when it breaks
You’re scared when it shatters
You may even be cut by the shards of glass
But at least you can see through the open space clearer than before
The sun is bright and the stars still shine but but by bit
The dying you feel is to feel yourself breathe loud enough so he can’t hear your heart cry anymore
I can’t help but reach for you in the night
I still wait for you to walk through the door just like you did before
I wish it wasn’t so hard to have kept you
And so easy to let myself push you away
I loved you
I love you
if love is blind and hearts are made to be broken
can’t we blink throughout the cries and tell ourselves the time we spent away leaves the hatch on my door always open
Don’t close the entrance of your mind to me
Or at least lie to Me
tell me it’s over like my heart doesn’t beat to hear the words you’ve spoken
Tell me the same things you did in the start
Let me relive all of the best **** parts
Remind me to look through memories in different glasses and then I’ll get that the love we shared never really happened
I was used, you claimed the abuse and I apologised until I was blue
You were loved I gave everything up
There is no one else
the hole in my heart and my belly where our bond would’ve grown manifests itself like a knife to the bone
Watch me bleed and then watch the scars heal before you leave as if you can’t let go when You feel unease
Close your eyes picture me
Watch it set in stone the way you would have grown apart
And ‘how  could you do this to me?’
Please don’t tell everyone the things I said if my words are left to lingers like
The figure of you in the hall
and the ache of my want on the end of my fingers telling me you made me whole
captivate my mind and make me hate you
Like I can’t help myself but play a song on repeat by a drugged up depressed rapper who’ll die too young to leave a legacy
Ill tell you know I can’t help but listen and relate
as if I wish I could put that same fate on this
Life that I hate
it’s like an addiction
The dopamine in my brain makes me want to scream the chemical imbalance too unstable just to see that I came last on your list
Of people to see
And places to be
I hope you cry without me
I hope you choke
Throw me out
Come on make me shout make me scream this silence is so deafening
you break my heart and I let
You in you still hold the door
Open that
You’re
Closest before I get the chance to ring
breaks in communication make me want to sing
like the signal was lost through blurred lines and you can hear me through the wind
Sending my love
Through wires from pillar to post, the time when I hired you as the person I loved the most
The main host
a catalyst in my story called
‘Men already make me scared and then you became by ghost’
I should be sorry
Or be hit by a lorry
it’s the knocking at the door that I’ll never hear and the smell of burning toast
the way your coat drowned you in it and I drowned in you the most
hey if you stay can you tell me how to go
How to live without you
How to not let it show
From the day I captured your eyes
The times we got high
then you said your goodbye with little but no reason
do your drugs pretend your fine move on
Change the season
Remembering you were vulnerable and beyond liaison
but don’t tell me you’re the one whose hurt when I can’t step into my room or sleep on my bed or eat for days on
I’m not hungry
Only for you
I’m not tired
Not of you
I’m not enclosed by our space it’s that I want you close and I miss your face
And the saddest part is the part where you loved me in a way where you never truly did

Hazy eyes,  a dark night sky, perhaps beautiful in the right light
With old churches come broken walls and broken grave stones that can't put up a fight.
Eyes don't always stay open, that's why we close them when we cry.
If i open my eyes and look up to religion all i seem to find  is the words you tell yourself when it's your time to die
However, isn't believing in god a chance to repent
That sacrifices must be made if your life is for sale but all you can afford is to rent.
I guess that's where i'll miss you even though we never met.
The lines read between words and the meaning between sighs.
From open space to where we land, trace your hands
we erase the lies that i'm hard to love and not worth the time
The ground beneath me is still, the envious green in the trees makes the leaves rustle.
I kneel, steel rust the smell of blood, why is it the pain that makes me feel?
The wind whistles, its the brisk and the cold, is it the dawn or the storm that might unfold?
I guess we'll never know.
If we don't live to see the day
They say life is a lesson.
With bad grades who'd think i'd do the math?

Overlooked and under-appreciated
That’s how our love deteriorated
You showed me love how bright it shines
Stood by my side when I saw no light
Through the dark, my broken side
Cried for someone else
Taking all of your pride
How could I have been so blind
Too tear apart a thousand times
Too run away and change my mind
Go back to the love that gave me pain
Wondering really whose to blame?
Love never made her question will he stay
He stayed and stayed
To learn when he should walk away
Where was my heart when you was so kind?
Love I can’t stomach or leave behind
colder days and colder nights seem longer without you by my side
they say ‘at least you’re still alive!’
Not knowing how bad she wants to die
Clutching onto what she had
While pulling her knife out your back
her body frail and the chalk around her white
broken mind like the crime scene you’d Find
Where the last resort was suicide
We stay alive and bide our time
Only too awake to the same disguise
Through dreary eyes I still wish you the best
How could I be so heartless ?

Paws, filthy draws.
She'll scratch your back and claim it's yours
She doesn't belong to no one and this is how she reigns
Without the flick of an eyelid
This may sound a bit morbid
But she would die before she's trapped in any man's orbit
She can't be tamed, but she takes things too deep
like mother nature she brings me peace
when my mind is asleep, she's strong enough to weep
Her hearts worn and still warm
The greatest masterpiece I've ever drawn
Her face when she could tell I wouldn't yawn when she spills her heart out in any form
Changes, she'll mark her territory
This isn't a love story
I was just double checking that she knows her glory

I am not the names you call me, my hands shake with anxiety and my mind overthinks rapidly. Sitting by the windowsill, head in the clouds, I pray for an everlasting love - one higher than the ground. Tell me why would you prey on the weakest of them all? Mr I need space but I love you. Like vultures, they swooped down and lifted me up just to drop me. I don't want to hang anywhere or see anyone or live in despair but my heart is colder than ice these days and blood ties are ones who warm it up. My coffee keeps going cold, the remanence of the mess I make wherever I seem to go. Mistreated and discriminated against like the best of them, I know I'll get through this. The darkness hasn't followed me in a while now and all I see is bright lights and a happy future. For everyone. Miss bright side, missus nobody and missus let me figure this one out on my own sort of rebellion. They say karma's a '*****' but I've had my face on for weeks and maybe that's just me.

satin shades of ribbon tie the knot around my heart
more than I wanted to you I've given
tell me why should I play my heart?
like "does he love me, or not?"
I guess the sky is still blue and my feet are on the ground
I guess I've still got looks on my side when you're not around
but that means nothing now
all at once you lied too me
123
bet you feel like a flying bird but don't swallow me
because I want to be free and who am I for you to be?
alone
I guess its just another Thursday on my own

satin shades of ribbon
tie the knot around my heart
more than I wanted to you I've given
it was only half past twelve
but the mice stayed quiet and the pumpkins had all died
**** like Rihanna's fragrance
I feel shocked at our current status
like does he love me?
or was that really fantasy like my mind is playing tricks on me
suspicious minds like Elvis
drunken lies might shelter this
if you fail to turn up sober again I'm done with this
like you were my 'first kiss' it was so pure and selfless
so why am I so selfish when it comes to you?
but hey I guess the sky is still blue
we remain under the same atmosphere
tell me please if you feel this over here

walkie talkie
boy like shawty
shy but naughty
but whose identity?
"that's so girly"
prejudice from early
10:23
who am I supposed to be?
pink fizz and blue drips
materialistic shizz and new kicks
is it that hard for me to fit in?
besides myself, I feel it heavier on my shoulders than ever before
who am I and what have I found?
three, how unlucky
egotistical, dependent, broke, dumb,
drop out of school kid
with dreams that are too big
still this age

"should" be loving someone
"could" be loving myself
"might" have known you were the flame that burned my soul if I'd have listened beyond my rosed eye view
rose gold walls and light blue bedding
can I drown in my sorrows?
one cup of water is not enough
not for this lonely soul
sold my heart on a page and retained my body throughout yellow lines on a marked pavement
chalked the purest morning form of myself that I wish I could erase
"you'll get better"
better off dead

roles and rolls,
eating my habits for breakfast
daily dosages of small hearts with big promises
and anyone can feel it's unacceptable
never thought you'd leave so suddenly
death lingers like a zombie
bruised heart and broken promises
later I'll redeem my honestness
and tell you I crumble every time you're not there
considering you're not him and
knowing you're better off without me

There he goes again, following the dark night sky
Advertisements mark his sense of reality
I'm here when he falls but no longer can I catch him
It's midnight, the hour of his calling. but the sun still shines and the owls Head still turns 360' to watch my back
I guess there's no turning back
Letters that sequenced in formula send flashbacks of 'dark knights'
If only I wasn't the joker
Harlequin girls and fancy dresses
We mingle throughout our stresses
Just dancing like we are something
But staying silent so he can say nothing
Purging on my own innocence
I wish it would snow
White, is that twilight?
Me in my purest form