I fell in love with a man,
and that man taught me to love myself.

This beautiful man with beautiful skin,
I lost him.

I fell in love with a man,
I fell in love with his skin,
I fell in love with his family,
with his people,
with his country,
his beautiful culture.

As much as I try to fight for what I believe in,
all I believe in his him.

I sensed I was forgetting something
possibly school work or I left something on

I figured I should go on the internet and see who's birthdays i forgot about

and it was yours

Today is your birthday
I forgot your birthday

I didn't know that something so small could bring me so much
relief
joy

this means that I finally am over you
a calender of your life is no longer singed in my brain
i can't feel the rough creases of your hands on my skin anymore

your lips in my head are just another one on my flirty list
and your boisterous laugh is a distant echo that I can't make out

I thought I loved you
But I was in love with the idea of you
I was in love with your potential

but it is known that nothing flourished
and now that the false love has died in my head

it will also die in my heart

this is how we fall out of love

four years -
it's been four years since I fell apart for the first time over just a boy..
i don't even remember how much I hurt.
but I remember feeling I wasn't good enough.

I remember hating my body and hating everything about myself.

four years later I wouldn't say I love everything -
but I would say I can look in the mirror and like what's looking back.

because of you I fell in love with another skateboarder.
because of you I took time to listen to the quiet ones.
because of you I learned patience, and to keep fighting for what you love no matter the pain.

I mean maybe I didn't need that last part-
Considering I've been chasing the same young boy ever since I stopped chasing you.

He called me one night - years ago..
after reading the poem about you , and a few I had written about him.

Crying because he felt the love fading...

it faded.

Was that to welcome you back in?
Do things happen for a reason?

Maybe the boy I used to watch skateboard by the grocery store on clairmont is the one I've had in my heart all along...

But I must warn you:

My heart- its much colder now.
There are thorns around it - and if I thought I couldn't get to yours all of those years ago, how would we get to eachothers?

Your love is the strangest I've known.
No one talks of me higher,
but no one has so little to say...

If that makes any sense at all.

I'm excited to see you tomorrow.

You're the one who got me writing these.

You're the person who sparked Shauna's journey into herself.

Thank you.

Can't wait to see you.

if there was a series of words that I could say
to put you back into my arms
to rewind to the week before our year
i would say them
tattoo them
all over my body

but all i can say
is i am sorry
with tears streaming down my face
i am so so so ******* sorry
so ******* sorry

I read poems to get inspiration
in reality they just make me think of you

When I talk about you I don't know what to say
there isn't a distinct thing I can call you

I could say "my friend"
but you mean so much more to me than that

It takes more than a friend to make me feel the way you did
I would never kiss a friend the way that I kissed you
any other person I wouldn't excuse for your shy attitude
for you I accepted the romantic inexperience.

Despite all of my feelings
and the yearning to be with you

I can't even say that we had something
because before anything could blossom
you became afraid.

I guess I can't really blame you.

There is nothing more terrifying than putting yourself out there for someone.
No matter who they may be.

Nevertheless I would have protected you
and I still will now.

I wish I had a typewriter
because I feel like my works
would have more meaning

every poem I write about You
is a piece of my heart
and soul
if we have those

because when I hurt
I think of Your big
goofy
smile

and I smile

as much as I want to be the reason
for your happiness
and the mother
who holds your child
I can't

not for sure

You see...
love isn't a selfish act
if you love someone
set them free

so I set You free
but I will never let You go
because I don't want my future
any other way
but with You in it

Thank you poetry
  my escape
My councious thoughts

I imagine you as a young man
with a meek smile
   but a Large heart
Filled with promise
of justification

I'm
Not surprised
describing my wants
Which contain you

Poetry helps me escape
the idea of you
  I write it on paper
   so the idea becomes real   Real to me

Thanks poetry.
One step closer

Dreamt ******* about you last night
Doesn't it hurt being with someone when you're missing me?
Or maybe you only miss me when Jack Daniels reminds you
Of what we were
Of what I am to you
Whenever I hold another man I close my eyes as tight as I can and try to imagine your scent, to get as close to you as possible

It's sick isn't it?
How pain will lead me into the arms of someone else
But at the end of it all
Although I care about this man

I wish it was you every time I wake up in the morning

I don't understand
how my heart has a feeling
it's just supposed to beat
and put liquid life through my veins.

but when I think of you
and know that I will never have you
and that it was indeed the last hug
the last kiss
the first time and last time I held your hand

it hurts so bad.

I want to tell it that it is confused
no heart
don't do that
stop.

there isn't a hole there
if there was I would be dead.

but why does it feel like that?
that my chest is continuously caving in
that all pressure is on one spot.

no heart
don't do that
stop.

every time I wake up
I pull the covers over my head
and try not to let the tears fill my eyes
every time

sometimes I'll pile things on the side of my bed
so while I'm sleeping
for a second I think you're there
and I smile

I sit in my bed waiting
for a miracle
like a Disney princess movie
and I think I can hear your car pull up
and the door opens

I hope that I'll see your big smile walk in
and your beautiful face
I pray that I'll wrap my body around you
and cry tears of joy

I've imagined this sequence in my head
thousands
of times

There is a lump in my throat that won't go away
a pain in my heart that hurts more every day
a hole in my chest that is bigger now
a constant bad vibe away from breaking down

I miss when I didn't get sleep
because you snored too much
I miss when I could snuggle up
and you would wrap your arms around my body

You made me feel so itty bitty
I felt so protected

I even miss when I was kiss your cheek
and just so happen to kiss precisely where your drool was

I miss when I would kiss you on the lips
and you would respond in your sleep
with a delayed smooch to the air

I miss the most the every day I love you's
and the looks you gave me
for no reason at all

I miss the perfect body pillow
that was all mine

I miss your series of laughs
I miss your singing in the morning
that I would fall asleep to

I miss you
I miss us

Why did I have to ******* ruin everything

I think you're afraid
  **** man

I mean you're 17 and you might go to jail
   I would be afraid too!!
to be honest I think I would have killed myself by now
   but maybe for you that's scarier...

I didn't mean for it to turn into a fight
   Ya know?
   dude?
   hah

this depression I feel
I don't want it
I never wanted it
I want to stab the ******* demon inside me
that has me trapped
in this little *** cage, in my chest

and I'm trying !!
so hard !!

we haven't talked as much lately

I think you're afraid
   I'm afraid too.
   every day.

maybe not from the Feds
but from my own two hands
because I woke up with scabs all over my legs
and blood underneath my nails
when I thought that I was ok

every day a bar of this cage is broken
every day it is like I am gifted a new weapon from my subconscious

because whoever is together in my head
whether I'm crazy or not
     we are a team
     we are an army

     and we will fight and we will NOT
     let the depression win

so the day that we (I) beat it
hopefully I have more money
and more time
and more direction

because **** dude
DUDE

maybe I'll find you
so I can apologize like a human

instead of a try-hard wanna be
poet on the Internet

I miss you
I wish you the best
I wish I believed in a God
but **** I might still pray for you

you're still a beautiful person to me
and always will be

Your bro,
      Shauna

I'm upset with you.

I'm very upset that you treat me the way you do

Why is it that everything I do is pending approval,
Every action better be warranted,
And be the ultimate secret.

All I've ever wanted was to be in your life,
I got a taste and made love to you,
Because that is all that I could have.

You have the AUDACITY ,
While we are together,
In the most intimate moment,
"DO YOU LOVE ME?!"

OF COURSE I ******* LOVE YOU
IVE LOVED YOU EVERY DAY
TEARS RUSH DOWN MY CHEEKS
ALL BECAUSE I CANNOT HAVE YOU

WHY MUST I BE SO STRONG TO KEEP MYSELF
FROM YOU

WHY DO U NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS
FOR ME
WHY AM I THE CRAZY ONE
WHY CANT I GIVE AWAY
A
SLIVER
OF MY FEELINGS

JUST SO I CAN STEP AWAY

and breathe

if  you looked at me as your life

did it ever dawn on you

to treat me better than you treated yourself

because had you really treated me such

i wouldn't be writing poems at 8 am

wide awake with sadness

Why mom?
Why is it that I always have to rebuild my confidence when i'm around you

Mothers are supposed to empower their daughters
and help them to love themselves for who they are

I shouldn't be hearing that my favorite clothes are unflattering
or that you're giving me "constructive criticism" on my makeup

Why do you always ask me first when i worked out last
or if i've lost weight

why is it that i have to ask my boyfriend to pump up my self esteem
because i think i'm overweight

why do i have to convince myself that i'm beautiful
when deep down i still don't really believe it

Most of all why are you trying to morph me into this woman like you

I don't want your "modern" *******
and my **** is big and fat
men love it and so do i

so **** your modern clothes
I'm wearing high waisted shorts

because my *** looks fan-*******-tastic

the most heartbreaking thing of all is that I watched myself fall apart

I looked in the mirror and slowly didn't recognize this sad girl
and I couldn't find myself
the monsters in my head kidnapped me
I wanted you to save me
so bad

but I felt you forgetting me
forgetting us
so I stayed kidnapped
and slept

you got mad
because I needed to get out of bed
but when I say "I can't" why don't you understand the cry for help

even though the pain is in my head
doesn't mean it isn't real to me

so when I see you smiling and singing
when I always wanted you to sing to me

but by the time I would wake up from the late night of fighting demons
you had already left
your body remained
so you thought with it

I felt like a *****
my boyfriend had his fingers in me and around my neck
while I held my head in my hands pleading for the bad thoughts to go away
you would hit your head too if it felt like it was poisoning your life

you made me feel like I was crazy
and I think I might be

that's what I'm so afraid of
because the monsters that kidnapped me

were me

I was so sad
I was so
*******
sad

and all I needed was you there
well you were there

but not really

you say you forgive me
but how am i supposed to forgive you

I feel like little people in my heart
are cutting it apart
tying ropes to my heart strings and pulling as a team

because I was so ******* sad
I just needed you there
I couldn't get out of bed
and you got frusterated
blamed my ******* meds
called my mom

when I JUST NEEDED YOU
I JUST ******* NEEDED YOU
AND NOW YOU'RE THERE
FOR EVERYONE ELSE
AND YOURSELF

and not for me
not for me

why couldn't you have been there for me

I was so sad for so long

and now you're alive


and I am dead

I met you, and I saw you
but I didn't really see you.

I see you, and you see me
I'm not used to this feeling.

We've talked, and shared
why haven't you shared it all?

You listen so well, you understand
but I'm so afraid.

These feelings I have, what are they?
I only have them for you.

These feelings I have, what are they?
I only have them for you.

I need you, you make me happy
spend time with me.

I love being with you, but I'm scared
I can't get hurt again.

I don't understand, you said you felt the same
what have I done wrong?

You're perfect, I just can't do it
please you deserve better than me.

I can't take it, I'm leaving
going far away.

Please don't leave, I need to see you
but I'm too scared to tell you.

I love you so much, I miss you already
but you cannot know.

You left, I feel empty
I don't know what to do.

Goodbye. I love you.
I'll always love you.

*Goodbye. I love you.
I'll always love you.

if I spend my entire life
chasing after you
to be with you
only to find out it was a mistake

it will have been the best mistake I ever made

I don't know if I'm meant to be in love, but I think, deep deep in my heart... that when I'm laying there dying, you will be there holding my hand. you're going to be the last face I see either with my eyes or my heart in my last moments.

Remember when you kissed my mouth but you really had no idea what you were doing? You just looked at me and rocked me back and forth because you were so incredibly happy. I was just sitting there looking at you and I fell in love with you. Right there. No going back. Completely imprisoned by your dumbfounded laugh and lanky body shape. And I am still stuck here. I pretend I've escaped to a better place. In bigger arms and a warmer heart. But I'm still trapped in your judgmental mind. So in love. I wish I could just leave. Please. Let me go.

I really didn't mean to hurt the person I loved the most in an act so selfish that it would have me hurting for another 100 days

I have to realize
that we can't be in love right now
it's too late
much too late

it might be because of me
I know it's because of me

but I can't say I'm sorry
I broke your heart
and your moms heart
I broke the heart of your whole family

so I need to go away for a while
and find myself again
so I can try to be ok again
so I can make it everything ok again

I'm gonna fix it
I promise

you think this is funny?
you cheer with your boys?
making nonsense and noise
go find all your toys

i could take photos of you
and they always show me the truth
of how beautiful
you
are

you're not one for dates
but i could take you
some
where

if you would maybe care
i would try
and we could be ly
ing
under the stars

but instead i'm in here
crying
wishing i was
dying
wish you were
beside
me

so why is it
surprising
that no matter what the
night
brings

i'm always
fanta
size
ing

about you
taking photos
without your
consent
i'm sorry i didn't tell you
yet
but you're my best
asset

funny i fell in love with a dark skinned boy named Justice during all this racism *******

....right?

yes I am filled with doubt

I have two people in my head constantly arguing
about my worth

but one is stronger than the other

one is my demon
this demon whispers in my ear and reminds me of how everyone has hurt me
this demon tells me I deserve it
this demon reminds me bad things happen to bad people

this demon has won battles
scars here and there
physical and mental
but battles do not win wars

everything I have been through in my life
I have won
I prevail
I pick myself up
and I start over
again
and
again

i remember when I was 13
and tripped during a race
only to get back up like a spring
and finish it with blood running down my knees

so I will finish this life
no matter what my demon throws at me
no matter how many days I spend in bed
because the sadness put a hole through me
i will finish this race
even if I have to do it with ****** knees
the demon will never convince me
to end my life
I will win

I miss the innocence
and sincerity
of knowing nothing
about
someone

they are anything you view them
or want them
to be
for just an instance

they are mysterious
beautiful

but one day you pull back the curtain
and behind is a lot of thorns
anger
violence

protecting a heart covered in bandages
that cannot take another blow
for it took many very young


the mystery of knowing nothing about someone
is as simple
and beautiful
as love

without love we know no pain
but what is love without pain?

a smile could be a mere smile
and each day would just be another day
never having to re-adjust to being alone
after a year has passed

young people are searching for someone
to make them feel complete
possibly wanted
wanting to feel purpose

but they don't understand
how simple
and painless
it is to know someone from
afar

to only carry your own battles
only your own worries

the day someone walks in your life
and you fall in love
NOTHING will ever be the same

nothing

it is both good and bad

I think I lost my innocence when I fell in love
and I'll spend my whole life looking for love that can replace in my heart what I feel has been

lost

but will I too resort to thorns guarding a shivering heart?

your eyes like black holes

i'm looking into them but
you've left me already

I want to save the ship
in your head
but my arms can only hold
so many buckets
and xanax serves as cannon *****

I can't swim
this must be a dream

I can't swim

I'm sinking with your ship

but I can't be the captain

not again

feeling whole wasn't an option

There's been empty spaces
in me since I can remember

I thought you were going to
   fill them?

Why are you telling me to
   snap out of it?

I'm sorry I'm sick
I'm sorry I'm sick

I feel everything dying
within

I let you in, you tore
through my life with a
machete and my heart had
the brunt of it all

I don't hear it beating anymore

  Is this the afterlife?

Can't be
I've been in hell

But you are lucifer and
  you persuaded me to "heaven"

"heaven" filled with silent episodes
and meaningless ***

I clawed my way out
to release you

and then you pushed me
into my well

there is a flood here
The water is rising me to the surface

but I can't hold my breath
for very long

you sink your ship

find your good and save
me from yourself

i feel weird that i've moved on
because i never thought i would
i remember preaching to you how i'd never be over you
just crying and crying every night

and walking around in a daze because you weren't mine
now that i don't want you
or anyone for that matter
i don't know what to do

i've lived my life for someone else through it all
just wanted that one person who wants me
and i did everything to make them happy

but now that i don't have that person
i have to make me happy

i don't know how to make me happy

the worst lie i ever told you
was that i didn't love you
and the worst lie i told myself

is that i can get you back
because i don't know for sure

and i am terrified
and angry
SO SO ANGRY

that's why i cut myself
because the pain i felt inside
didn't reflect

so it made me feel less crazy

ha

a person cutting themselves to feel less crazy

ha

I just want to understand
how someone so beautiful
  so flawless
could cause so much hurt.

One would think the greater being
whoever controls my heart
and yours,
  would not allow.

The greater being should not allow
one person
  to be able to obtain everything from me.

It isn't fair
that  with  one  look
you own me in a greater sense of the word.

It wasn't a secret
  how I loved you so
  yearned for your touch
  screamed for you in my dreams

and yet you took it as a such an opportune
time
  to crush me
into d u s t.

I'm Gone Now
I Cannot Come Back From This

Never in my entire life have I felt it
The hurt
The pain
I would rather throw up
I wish I could throw it up
This pit in my stomach
Is worse than any cut
Any bruise
Any burn
Any broken bone
It's in my heart

It feels empty
Like something was ripped out
An artery gone
It doesnt feel like it's pumping


And then I think of your heart
And laying on your chest
And appreciating an ***** more than anything in the entire world
Because it kept you running

And in the romantic sense
It wanted me
I remember feeling it against my back
When we would nap just because
And it was perfect

It couldn't have been more perfect

And now it's gone

Because I was scared

And I shut everything off

Because I didn't want to get hurt

And now I hurt more than i ever have

I'm sorry

I'm so so sorry

Its happened.
Gone
Gone
Gone
Gone
Gone

Why.
I'm so lonely now,
Not even my figments to hold me.
They left when my heart did with him.
756 miles away.

And now I'm not even figuritively with you.
Goodbye I'm sorry.

"Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen every day."

I told you I would never give up
I never did give up.

I love you just as much as i did 727 days ago
but you gave up on me
on us

you shunned away your feelings
and now you don't feel it anymore
you don't feel anything anymore

I can't blame you

love is a beautiful cluster-**** of emotions
but at the end of the day
  when your insomnia begins
Darkness fills your somber heart
and you ask yourself why she doesn't love you

but I love you
but that doesn't matter
because my personality and clothing choice,
will never make up for hers.

I want to be what you want me to be,
but no matter how hard I try,
I Cannot be her.

There is no amount of pastel makeup,
and sparkly shirts,
that will make me her.

I could obtain her exact wardrobe,
and hair color,
and that dumb laugh she uses,
when she makes fun of the less fortunate.

but I could never be *her

because I would never hurt you,
I would Never want to see you cry,
or in pain.

I would never do what she did to you,
to this day I Cannot Believe that she would be able,
to hurt someone so perfect,
and so genuine,
and innocent.

I just want to show you that I will never hurt you like that.

But you want me to be her,
and I'm sorry but that is the one thing I Cannot do for You.

they don't come as often,
but there are days,
when I feel so much pain inside,
that I just want pain on the outside.

I was always too chicken to be a cutter,
but my lit cigarette has met my wrist.

I see it every day.

I think the reason I did it,
was because you didn't check for scars anymore,
you passed by and you didn't bat an eyelash at me.

So I put the ember where it hurt the most.

I have a large pink dot below my left breast,
because that's where I feel the most pain.
Inside.

I wanted to burn it away,
I wanted the cigarette to desintigrate any traces of you.

I still push on my sternum when I lay here crying,
and pound on my chest.
The pain never seems to go away.

But I won't give myself another pink scar.

because one day if I am blessed once again with our two naked bodies together,
I don't want you to be ashamed in me.

what hurts more?
knowing that you lost two best friends

or that the war between you all is never ending...

what hurts more?
the feeling of being alone

or the fact that you have been alone for so long you have become used to it...

I used to have suidical thoughts
DAILY

Can you imagine?
Waking up,
and wishing you hadn't.

Does no one feel like I do?
Am I a person filled with more emotions than others,
is this some disease?

Is this why I suffer from heart palpatations when I get anxiety?

will my anxiety **** me one day?

I am not sure.

I have felt great pain in my chest before,
and I have been to the emergency room,
because I was too afraid of my own hands,
and my wrists felt weak.

They used to yell at me to slice them..
I thought I deserved to die.
I wished I had died when I was hit by a drunk driver for a long time.

She took my car, I lost my job,
when I just wished it could have taken my life.

It isn't so dark now,
I wake up in the morning smiling.

If it wasn't for my friends I know I wouldn't be alive today.

They may never know how much they mean to me,
but they are my heart,
and the only reason I still try to love every day.

I can't live for me,
I couldn't live for him,
so I live for them.

Every day I get a step closer to who I want to be,
and it's all thanks to my friends.

I love you all so so much,
thank you.

I didn't wear makeup hoping I would see you today
we end up in the same spot and I feel a rush go through
my spine
and in
my stomach

I drove today
after all
that happened
after the accident

I moved forward today
and I will take another
step
tomorrow
towards
being
ok
again

I looked for your car today
typically peeking
out

they're still afraid to say
your name
around
me
always
with
a stutter
or
hesitation

they called you zombie today
I'm afraid
of the Xanax
because I'm not around
anymore
to
yell
at
you
because
I
loved
wait
love
love love love love
you

I don't want a zombie
I don't want to hear you're a zombie
I want what's mine back
and that's you
please
let that be
you

it's funny
I say
"we have to be ok apart
before we can be ok together."
but
it seems
that
we
were both
better off
when we were



together.

I followed you into the dark
I came out - crippled
- deformed
I looked the same on the outside
But all could tell something was
    Different
I was thinner
My jaw gaunt
Eyes covered in makeup
Lips overlined
The paint on my face was hiding something

On the inside I was black
There was darkness
Where my guts used to be yellow
And my heart a crimson red
Now everything was a deep , dark
Navy blue

Beautiful
Yet somber

I followed you into the dark
We do it for love
All would do it

But when you go into the dark you don't come out
The same
You come out angry
And you lose part of yourself
To the darkness

Your dark eyes are no longer filled with spark
But pain
Worry

They search for darkness to match themselves
Instead of light it searched for before

So I find another partner
Who is also dark and twisted

We take drugs together and smoke cigarettes
In my bedroom

I glance down to the cigarette burn on my breast
I tried to burn out all of the navy blue

I could feel it consuming my heart

Years later navy blue floats about inside me

Now I am the deep violet
Filled with some warmth
But equally matched with somber

I am still filled with anger
Disgust
Envy

So much impurity

I think of you
And my stomach churns
Not from butterflies
But from maggots
Eating away at every yellow speck within me

You are everything I do not want to be
The idea of being with you was once my dream
This nightmare again and again where
I would capture your love
Only for you to steal it away again

But that wasn't a dream
It happened
Weekly

You showed me your love
And instead captured me

Captured my yellow
You used it
To fuel your cackling laughs
Your large smile
Using your wit to stab me

Invisible holes covered my body
And your navy blue seeped out of you
And into me

You whipped my body against yours
I thought it was love
The only way you knew to show

But it was anger
So much anger

You slammed my mouth against you
Until I threw up

And kissed me with satisfaction

Did it please you?
To see me in pain

To know that you tore me apart
And my body couldn't handle it

So it did the only thing it knew
It went limp
Gave up

All of my yellow came out of me

Your navy blue seeped into my veins
My mouth
My brown eyes went black

Did it feel good
To **** the only love out of me that I knew

This is why you haunt me still
Because I followed a fairy into the dark

Only for it to transform beyond the shadows
And steal my soul away from me

In my nightmares you assault me

Throw me around

And no one believes me

Maybe I dream this way
Because it is what I lived

How could a fairy hurt a fly?
How could

A fairy

Steal the love from the living
And make them feel dead?

I guess they will never know.

There was a time in my life
That I had you
You weren't with me
And I lay in bed
My hair wet from tears on both sides

Depression plagued me
And held a weight on my chest
That cemented me to my mattress

I didn't know I was sick
I thought you were to blame
And that wasn't fair

But despite that
Despite the fact I thought you were the reason for my sadness
I still told myself that I would never leave you
I told myself that I loved you too much to ever hurt you or make you sad
I promised myself that I was going to stay with you until you died
And it was worth me having a miserable life
So you could be happy
I was going so crazy I thought about killing myself
But I knew that it would **** you


I WAS GOING SO BAT **** CRAZY
I MOMENTARILY CONTEMPLATED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF I KILLED YOU
AND KILLED MYSELF
SO WE COULD BE RID OF THIS PAIN
AND IF THERE WAS A GOD
YOU WOULD STILL GO TO HEAVEN

So don't EVEN
FOR A ******* SECOND
TELL ME
THAT I DIDNT REALLY LOVE YOU
BECAUSE I WAS WILLING TO GIVE UP
EVERYTHING
GIVE IT ALL UP
GIVE UP MY HAPPINESS
MY SANITY
MY LIFE AND ITS WORTH
FOR YOU AND YOUR HAPPINESS
THATS WHY I KNOW IT WAS LOVE
IT IS LOVE
Because all the other boys I "had"
All the other boys I "loved"
I let go
For me
And I still haven't let you go
For me
But I try to leave you alone
For you


I've been seeing you in my dreams lately
Last night I was covered in burns and you still brought me home
And we made love

I knew it was a dream
But at a very strange point
I said **** it
And gave you the most loving hug
Like I used to
With my arms cradling your head
And my legs wrapped around your ribs

It felt real
I could feel the warmth of your skin
I could SMELL you for christ's sake
Does that mean you were there??
Is love actually this spiritual??
Do you dream of me too??
Or do I remember your scent and feel so well, that I tap into the deep deep parts of my subconscious and I can relive
Such vivid memories
That its like you're actually there

I love you
I love you every day
I will love you tomorrow
And I will love you until my last breath

I will be who I want to be one day
And that day I will come for you
And tell you I'm ready
**** dude I really hope you'll take me then
I wish even more I was ready now..

it is actually quite nice not having to see you
or worry about seeing you once a week

i never used to know when you would turn up at work
or maybe the supermarket
or even driving around in your Jeep

but now i'm three hours away
and i was completely 100% right when i said this would help

because yeah i think of you every day
if not twice a day

but i don't see you anymore
and now when i get a message
or a call

it's more like a friendly reminder
of the love that i used to feel
and how we would laugh
and you would grab my sides

instead of an ongoing steak
plunging itself into my heart
and putting pain in my stomach

i never see you anymore
so i don't have hurt anymore

but that scares me
because what happens when i come back
and i do see you
for the first time
in months

will it start over
or will my feelings be gone,
and will you be starting over?

the worst part
of it all
is that
you're already gone

and I won't accept it

ever

unfortunately due to privacy concerns
i will no longer post public poems
i'm kind of an idiot for not realizing you can post private poems in the first place

maybe because to one person i didn't want them to be private
but we all grow up sometime dont we

i wished to share my art with the world
and a girl who thinks im obsessed with her life
will not leave my life alone

i feel bad for you
it must be sad to have such no meaning in anything that you do

how sad it is that someone wishes so much pain within another
if i see you again i will do one of two things

ignore you
or beat you senseless

if only i was joking
now please
for your own safety
leave me alone

i thought you were brave
like me

i thought that we were both sick
but yours is different

you're not sick
you're a coward

anyone who hides behind an internet personality
and sleeps in my bed

is not fit for me.

This boy tells you he loves you?
***** you?
Confesses to you?

but talks about those fat ***** on the internet huh

sounds like that boy is confused

sounds like that boy made the biggest mistake of his life

if he doesn't fight for you
he's not worth fighting for

there is a reason
passionate men fall in love with you

men
who felt nothing

there is a reason
everyone remembers you

there is a reason
everyone loves you

and those who hate you
envy you

find that reason

hold onto it

and for Christ's sake never let it go

everything someone finds beautiful about me
is untrue

in my eyes at least

Earl says he wants to **** the freckles off my face
but in reality its skin damage which seems to have engulfed the human race
with these girls sitting in sun ovens
coming out smelling like a burnt person

why is it in the 5th grade boys didn't like my freckles
and now the internet is obsessed with something i hated about myself

why is it that all of my pain turns into someone's romantic story

having a good memory isn't all it's cracked up to be
yes i can remember most wifi passwords i've entered
every lyric to a song that i've heard more than 5 times
quotes in movies after hearing them once
secrets people told me in the 2nd grade
throwing a flower into the casket of my late grandfather

yes yes i remember all of these pointless facts
maybe i'm good at winning arguments
but in reality i use all of this clutter
to cover up what i really want to hide
not from you
but myself
because some things we cannot forgive
no matter what we learn over time

us humans have trouble forgetting

and then this depression i feel every day
holding me in bed
i feel like i'm trapped in the warmth
because when i get up all i expect is disappointment
and sadness

do you have any idea what that even feels like?
you post all of these stupid depression quotes

but in reality i don't think you understand
because if you were REALLY depressed

you wouldn't want anyone to know you're hurting
no one could understand the hole in your chest that isn't there
the constant sickness that shows no symptoms

and the idea that you can just "get up and get over it"

there is NOTHING romantic about thinking about JERKING the wheel
there is nothing POETIC about wondering how much pain you would feel
if you cut up the stream, not across the river

there is nothing beautiful about mental illness
and no one will understand that

unless they find the day
where they're laying in bed
and they would rather dream of flying
and casting spells on our enemies
maybe saving a whole litter of puppies
in their dreams

where in reality its 3:30 pm and you've been asleep for 14 hours

but that doesn't matter does it?
because in this fake dream i feel better than my real life

it's rather terrifying
   how i can be ok one minute

then write a poem about you
  and want to pull the shard of mirror
     up my arm
       deep in my flesh
         and hope that the next life we may run into each other again

i always complain i want to be smaller

but by smaller i didn't mean clutching my knees
and rocking back and forth
with anger in my hands
and hot blood in my veins
tears in my hair
and scratches on my calves

filled with so much anger and rage that it crippled me to the ground
making me sob with frustration
i feel so small
weak
fragile

the wind could ******* away if i let it

maybe i will

Stopped.
Gone.
Disappeared.
Vanished.
Where art thou?

Because it just stopped.
And it won't restart i promise.

But at least it's stopped and numb,
Rather than beating furiously,
Life pouring out of it from the pain and desire.

My heart.