"fruitlessly" poems
Never should I love,
For never will you love me.
Never will your deep, blue eyes
Look in mine and read my mind,
Like a psychic running her fingers along the lines of my palms.
Palms that belong to hands you’ll never hold,
And handle with care like you would antique china
And at the same time grip with a firmness that tells me you’ll never let go.
You’ll never let go because you’ll never wrap your soft,
warm arms around me in the first place.
Your soul will never entangle with mine and fill that void
Left by a **** sliced deep within me.
A **** left by my father’s youth,
And my mother’s faith,
Whose knife cut out their acceptance for me
And gouged out my trust in them.
Can’t you see that you are the antidote to my lifelong suffering?
The Accutane to my welted face,
The braces to my crooked teeth,
The nitro to my aching heart
The rhino to my bulging nose
The morphine to my broken mind,
The running to my fading health
Running, running, running away
Far away from this broken house
Where your dreams never do come true and
Where you come out to yourself alone in the bathroom and
Where they can’t ever know the truth because my house is
Where God resides in the attic and
Where Jesus is the only one you should let in your room at night and
Where The Holy Spirit has possessed us all to live a lie because my house is
Where lifelong love is dead at the delivery room
And who is there to blame but me?
Who is there to blame but me?
But none of that matters to you.
It can’t matter to you,
Because all you do is love
And love
And love
And love
And love.
But you never love me.
Each year I have known you
I have reached out farther than the last,
Yearning for something I could never obtain.
Fifteen pushes past Fourteen,
Both of whom fall short of Sixteen’s growing arms,
Which are narrowly outpaced by Seventeen’s spindly, wirey fingertips.
Every Year’s efforts have met the same fate;
Failing to reach their target they instead grasp fruitlessly
Into a dark, brewing storm,
Full of tears,
And of crackling sparks of hope
That are met with the resounding booms of fate
Telling me that I am doomed to be alone.
Telling me that never should I love,
For never will you love me.
But I never listen.
Because I know you too well.
And I know that someday,
Someday soon,
You’ll make the happy accident
Of stepping too close to my many straining hands,
And I’ll pull you near to me
And you’ll realize that you never loved her at all.
And that you always,
always have loved me.
-The Boy Who Loves You Too
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 10:42 PM UTC
like a static shock i feel you
running up my spine
tingling the hair at the nape of my neck
something harsh and unexpected
but unexpectedly pleasant
snapping me back into the present
eyes freshly opened and wide
like a still from a movie
quaking on the bed
feeling my limbs tighten against you
something soft and yielding
but not fully, pressing back
pushing my core deep into the down
we fight for a moment
tearing at each other with teeth
with claws
with fists, open, closed,
before the tension breaks
and calm floods over us with
no slight pause, sending us both
reeling into oblivion, all extremities
stilled as we stare gasping into the
dark nothingness that surrounds us
heads thrown back and hands clasped
together as we slip away
floating no where, watching galaxies
being ****** into black holes
and stars exploding into limbo
before we find ourselves back
in bed, abruptly, chests heaving and
slick with sweat
where we try to put ourselves back together
fruitlessly
Apr 25, 2012
Apr 25, 2012 at 10:21 PM UTC
We are the kids – beautiful blank canvasses ready to receive the joy of life.
We are the kids – hope & love consuming our souls, grasping at the shiny & new.
We are the kids who played in the fields and danced in the sun.
We are the kids with innocence in our hearts and a cheekiness in our soul.
We are the kids who believed in a benevolent God and the generous teachings of Jesus.
We are the kids whose imagination was an infinite resource - bounteous, diverse and effervescent.
We are the kids who reveled in the fancy, the nonsensical, the romantic and the wild.
We are the kids that couldn’t wait to grow up,
We are the kids who believed in our future.
We are the kids who never saw it coming.
We are the kids who lost our innocence as soon we walked through the big school gates for the 1st time.
We are the kids who were told to “think of your future” and to suppress creativity.
We are the kids who were forced to grow up very quickly.
We are the kids who didn’t know we were “different” but there were plenty out there who did.
We are the kids who had to pretend to be what “they” wanted us to be just to survive.
We are the kids who came home with scars every day – both physical and emotional
We are the kids who endured the obscene words of Neanderthal hate every single day.
We are the kids who were screamed at by our parents to fight back even when we really didn’t have the capability to do so.
We are the kids who were told crying was a sign of weakness.
We are the kids whose so-called classmates stayed silent when they did their worst.
We are the kids where the school gates were no barrier to their lynching.
We are the kids who turned quickly from being wide-eyed & hopeful to being terrified & desolate.
We are the kids who dreaded every single weekday from first term to last.
We are the kids who fruitlessly prayed to a God who had deserted them.
We are the kids taught by teachers who were found wanting.
We are the kids who suffocated in sheer hate.
We are the kids who took our own lives or at least tried to.
We are the kids who self-harmed.
We are the kids who sometimes never came home.
We are the kids who survived but never really left the school yard behind
We are the kids.
Your kids.
June 11, 2018.
Sep 12, 2018
Sep 12, 2018 at 6:10 PM UTC
I was floating in honey.
The viscosity of the substance
Made it so that, while I still needed to work
To keep my head afloat,
I had a little extra support.
So I didn't have to do it alone.
And it was good.
But my temperature began to rise.
I became too hot too fast, and,
Because of my actions
I started to destroy the beneficial parts
That the honey needed to remain useful and healthy.
So the honey reacted:
Threw my melting self out of its jar.
I tried to jump back in
But the honey firmly ******* its lid back on,
And my charring fists
Fruitlessly pounded on the boundary
The honey had erected.
Then as my body and brain burned,
The other honey jars disappeared-
Distancing in acts of self-preservation.
I knew how I could get my temperature
Back to baseline.
I just needed a little help
So I could work to get back to my normal self.
But my actions had pushed away what I needed.
So I accepted the fate I had caused,
And allowed my body to fall to ash.
Nov 20, 2023
Nov 20, 2023 at 9:05 PM UTC
never in my life,
Or in the span of the last few weeks
have I ever,
and yes I could go even further
felt so starved,
really I mean starved, vexed hunger
for some sort of notion,
reminder of a working heart and lungs
a feeling of substance,
something I search for fruitlessly
in a world that works,
in its subtle enigmatic ways
to alienate,
or provide an artificial basis for it
but that is so very beautiful,
and I think I really mean that
I want it and I want it now
I want the world at my throat
I want women and all
Other embodiments
Of all things beautiful
at either side of me
Adoring eyes, widened and excited
scanning in disbelief
waiting for the dream to end
because a dream so pure and good
will never last
and it doesn't and it won't
because it doesn't exist
to begin with
but a thought so pretty
forever forcing itself into existence
I want my dream to begin
I want these things to be my end
Nov 7, 2014
Nov 7, 2014 at 4:10 AM UTC
It felt as though the humidity itself
carried a hint of liquor as we walked
out into the night, wanting only to escape
our lives for a little.
Deep down in Vieux Carre
twisted brass clashed with a piano
running half step from the crowded clubs
on Frenchman Street.
We filled our lungs with the city
and found her to be like certain kinds
of dangerous doses--
intoxicating.
It was our second night
and the more we drank
the more I began to see glimpses
of the specters spoken of by locals.
They linger in my peripheral,
watching me with their sunken eyes.
You could faintly hear them moan,
only in defeated tones
and their collective scowl danced
in the heavy air of summer
as though it were a part from
all that jazz.
In the stranger hours of morn
I was approached by a ghost
a few blocks off Bourbon.
He offered up nothing but his ***** palms
in hopes of some false salvation.
I wrestled a dollar from my pocket
and passed it on to him,
only to watch him fruitlessly grasp at it
before it slide through his ghostly hands
to the floor below.
He looked down at the dollar
all helpless-like and he said
"It’s been slipping through my fingers
like dat for years now
and ain't nobody help’n me."
I walked from him, realizing then
why I had needed this trip,
I needed to remember all the love in my life
because the only difference between
me and the ghosts of N'awlins
was someone cared about me,
and I cared enough about them
not to destroy myself.
Sep 1, 2015
Sep 1, 2015 at 2:06 PM UTC
i fruitlessly waste time searching for the time i lost.
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 7:46 AM UTC
My tongue shakes to the rhythm of the undead
It's useless praying against all that I said
You end up unscarred 0% alive
For people you end up dead just another stone named R.I.P.
No words of apology to help you through
Heaven awaits in vain, as Hell beckons you
Bargaining your life on both hand sides
Hell pays more than what Heaven calls most
Greedy as you are you choose the dark side
Rotting as Satan laughs and tortures you
Came to realize a mistake was made
Fruitlessly awaiting nothing for all the sins you repented
Shackled to doom, your life wasn't yours anymore
You wondered what worse yet was still in store
You beg to my feet to appeal to the Lord
You throw your hands in despair as I see you burn, with glee
Why should I help you when I had been through the same in history?
May 9, 2010
May 9, 2010 at 7:45 AM UTC
Silently, "I need to tell you something."
I approach. Falter, walk away.
I need to break this bond I have with silence,
This unhealthy affair I have with solitude.
I haven't even the energy to pull the words up from my stomach.
I heave,
Retching out nothing but bile and air.
I have so many things to say,
Passing fruitlessly through the space between my ears.
Speaking of space, that seams to be where I exist.
It's either that, or this is Purgatory.
Hell.
Too much conscience to be clinically depressed,
Too far gone to be "normal",
Nothingness.
"This is what it feels like to be a ghost."
To no one, again.
Jun 15, 2014
Jun 15, 2014 at 10:50 PM UTC
Update my page
List this
Pin that
Tweet
Repost
Resend
Got no time to chat
White canvas
Endless pixels
A sight for sore eyes
Fruitlessly searching
Social media
For an elusive prize
Scandal
Gossip
Salacious juice
Lines between
Real and fantasy
Reach a truce
Inbox injunction
Endless mail
I want to call it a day
They’ve got some nerve;
‘Be more sociable,’ they say
In cyber space
There’s an infinite world of possibilities
Save for when
We’re face to face
Travelling along
The endless lines
Towards an unknown destination
Lost in ourselves,
We killed the art of conversation
Look at the posts
They’re neverending;
Babies, kittens
See what’s trending
Feeling smitten?
Oh look at all those words,
I haven’t written…
Don’t mind me
I’m just scrolling through.
Jun 29, 2015
Jun 29, 2015 at 3:59 PM UTC
I am
Nothing more
Than a bag of bones.
My rib cage
Is a prison you rend
In twain, tear the mesh,
And sift fruitlessly through.
I am
An empty shell
You discarded;
All unraveled ends
And frayed edges.
I am
Orange peels
Carrying the essence
Of something sweet
As an echo of scent
And color-
-I will
Return to the earth
And start again.
Dec 8, 2015
Dec 8, 2015 at 1:34 PM UTC
The faint hint of tension left the air pungent
a mordantly eerie undertone that I couldn't scrape from the sky
even with a sharp stare from bright eyes
there was a subconscious pause in your voice, the type of momentary disillusioned understanding of a shortcoming
the sudden realization of a lassitude onset left these battered feet aching to stop running
the tread was fresh, anxiously beckoning to simply go
an inner utterance gently murmuring no
perchance the time was not sufficient
quite possibly these watch hands that had seen better days, now judge time slightly different
their past experiences dictating the liveliness and youthful ticks of yesteryear to a far more relaxed tock with decades of chasing it's counterpart
I became the minutes to your hour, fruitlessly chasing you round the rotation to greet and depart with your change of heart
the seconds became the tension
building anticipation as I watched them sweep
feeling the next moment we'd meet, pain-stakingly creep
until I find myself here again air thick with tension, hanging still and pungent
I remain for a minute just watching the seconds keep running...
Feb 10, 2013
Feb 10, 2013 at 11:31 PM UTC
Eventually
We all become believers
You will see
We all hit the gutters
And deceive
What we know
Into what we need
Feeding
On the hope
To cope
With the NO
Of every plea
Foiling
The gaping holes
While fruitlessly
Feathering dreams
Of ceasing
To be
Anywhere but there
Anywhere but here
Afraid and aware
Lying barren
On a hair
To everywhere
But where we want to be
Your everything
Believed in our belief
In our grieving
Of a meme
Obsolete and teething on a ***
Seething in seeing it
Unseamed
And undone
Unto nothing
Disconnected dots
Unlit
Breathing out
And away
From meaning
Slightly clinging
To the things
Believed
To Matter
Scattered over
The tattered matters
In meteor
Metaphors
Seeding
The other chapters
But not until after
Factoring in
The tractor beams
Of nothing
Just waiting
On the bottom
Of the gut
Crawling up
The throat lumps
And stuffing our luck
With all the succulent stuff
We are made of
Until eruptions
Of higher functions
Save us
From the ****
When enough
Is enough
And we just stop
Giving a ....
And let go
Blow after blow
Until we know
Who is in control
Of what is real
And what is
Made up
From atoms to the eave
Of our dreams
We must glean
What we need to
To get us through
These words
Of hurt
Out from lurking
In the work
Of our enemies
Forever tempting me
To blaspheme
In the wake
Of your passing
The endeavoring
Ever lasting
In careful mapping
Of the synapses
Collapsing
Into relief
Though brief
Locked in eternity
Oh the possibilities
My everything
And my humility
Locked in a single thought
In anxiety
Gone quietly
My hands before me
Steady
Always ready
Blanket me
In blank
Make me
Or break me
Take me
To forever
Jun 12, 2013
Jun 12, 2013 at 1:03 AM UTC
Pleading for a purchased god
Romanticized for its ancien régime
Celiac, and yet I licked the wheat paste
Of the letter I was was trimmed A4
In all that time spent by the basin
(and its traffic-trimming wetlands)
I only rode my bike to the depot
To color code my calendar
When capital kept its calls collect,
When the gravy train kept me idle
Each chamber would be emptied
Fruitlessly: punch drunk with praise
(Indulge a little)
Each from four through five: orchestrated
The plains always claim the sixth
(Respecting the tradition of western folk)
Only three will ever threaten treatment
Sep 25, 2022
Sep 25, 2022 at 9:57 PM UTC
Here is where I find us
When I've had a few too many
Tossed back with no abandon in an attempt
Desperately
To wash you away
Here is where I find you
Feeble drunken fumbling endeavors
In bed with someone whose name I can't recall
Fruitlessly
Hoping to forget
Here is where I find me
Head pounding as gray daylight pours in
Through my clouded mind
Regretfully
Knowing you'll remain
Feb 4, 2012
Feb 4, 2012 at 4:28 AM UTC
I used sit beneath the shroud
Of stars that swathed the sky,
And gaze at length, with wistfulness
At Moon’s cycloptic eye.
My eyes absorbed familiarly
What were in my own.
Her perfect luminescent face
Despite the scars that shown.
I wondered if she missed the earth
Around whom she did dance
And if she tried, fruitlessly
To catch his lonely glance.
They’d never touch or cross in path
On journey through the sky
She knew this, and so did I
No matter how she tried.
I wonder beneath the moon
All wrapped up in the sky
But now I know just how it feels
To only ever pine.
Jun 13, 2014
Jun 13, 2014 at 2:59 PM UTC
*Her soul is made of
scattered glass and broken spirits.
Her flesh is pockmarked
with bruises and cuts.
Her face radiates with
agony and despair.
Tears shine
like freshly polished crystals
Mouth frozen open.
Cannot move, cannot
reach the blessed silence.
Of which fragments of me
try fruitlessly to
Hide in, to give in to
cowardice.*
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 12:39 AM UTC
The casket rolls by, far up ahead
and chorister's choirs sing the dead
to rest.
Those who are left behind, left awake,
to find solace on Earth within another.
Far from their mother,
brother,
sister,
lover or
other.
They're left to suffer above the ground,
fruitlessly searching for the sound of
a heartbeat,
a whisper,
a sign,
that once more they might wipe off
the grime of dirt and earth,
watch a rebirth,
feel a kiss,
a hug
a brief second of love
again from the person they
have left.
The death that has left them bereft
of everything.
"Without them, there is nothing."
Oct 18, 2013
Oct 18, 2013 at 9:43 AM UTC
I’ve spent time I’d rather not count
hoping fruitlessly,
by an impenetrable sense of obligation
that can only belong to the delusional,
with the last specimen of hope
whose blood I have drained dry,
just waiting
for a disappointment
that I now expect.
I wake up every morning with
hopes of you,
and rush out of bed as though I haven’t waited months
just to hear you say something,
just something
only once…
I come home every night with
erased expectations
that dutifully regenerate
in stubbornly constant dreams
haunted by your face
Wake up.
It’s a new day
Just like yesterday
and every day before that
were meant to be.
May 30, 2013
May 30, 2013 at 3:16 PM UTC
We were thirteen and perfect for each other. We had the same sense of humor and only survived those heinously awkward pre-teen parties by laughing at jokes that no one else understood. We used to play-fight like siblings and run after each other tossing synthetic threats back and forth. I was faster than him, though he wouldn’t say so, and would catch him often - but he always surrendered nicely with a sweet little kiss.
At that time we were young, inexperienced and painfully shy, so our kisses were commonly swift and polite – never anything Nicholas Sparks would appreciate – but there was something about those contemporary-type kisses that stirred something inside my child’s consciousness. Our lips caused ripples in my belly that tempted me to believe that perhaps this was more than just a tweeny courtship.
A fair amount of months passed before her eventually kicked me off the wagon. Prep school was over and we were off to high school – him to a private boarding school and me to a public school the soccer moms “would rather not talk about.” I was devastated and have yet to open myself up to anyone like I did to him. You see, I had broken off such a large piece of my figurative heart that I didn’t have enough left to share with anyone else.
Now I’ve a high school’s worth of non-existent Valentines roses and I've yet to leave the faetal position.
I've been talking about it for so long that my pool of friends there to console me has shriveled up into an unhealthy puddle of nothing. Hell, I’ve drank up so much of that resource that I may have left a dent where it used to stand. Picture me sniffing around a dried up pile of nothing fruitlessly looking for someone to tell my sob-story to – it's not far off.
Now here’s the gold;
I suppose I had set my standards so high that I’ve not let anyone else so much as see the bar let alone challenge it. That or my first boyfriend was so utterly terrified by my company that he wrote an article about me in the Guy Code and I now walk around with a blinking sign on my forehead. Either way, I’m as lonely as anything and have reached the point where I think of fictional characters as more actual than many of my fellow humans.
Tumblr help me.
Jan 3, 2014
Jan 3, 2014 at 3:03 PM UTC
The familiar wrenching in my gut when you speak of love
The acidic burns and aches I keep bottled up
Become a flashflood
Rushing through my veins, poisioned lines constricting and forcing my extremities to spasm
You cast your words fruitlessly into the chasm
The indescribable void that lies before us
My hands scraped and bloodied from tearing down the nails that keep your heart boarded up
I can never break through the barrier you have erected
I leave myself vulnerable to your outlashes, you remain overly protected
Sheltered from the reality that is the extension of my love through every action
Every emotion you stockpile and ration
Maintaining a craving in the depths of my essence
For your ill fated presence
You bask in the symphonies that expel from my eyes gazing
Hear the strings and percussions playing
Without every fully repaying
Any emotional debt you may have accumulated over time
Fingers dancing along every line
I have written vast and true as the moon above
Yet I feel the familiar wrenching in my gut when you speak of love...
Sep 24, 2013
Sep 24, 2013 at 7:20 PM UTC
i sat there mystified,
my eyes lost in hers.
i searched fruitlessly for something witty to say,
trying to coax out a smile, a laugh.
as her quiet discontentment radiated outward,
i yearned to pick the right words,
some way to calm the storm brewing.
my thoughts flickered to earlier that day:
her eyes, deep, sparkling jewels.
her hair framing every stunning feature of her face.
her laugh, a luxurious liqueur,
and i longed to drink and drink and drink.
all i wished to do, was to bring her to that place again,
to bring her joy; to make her happy.
May 9, 2010
May 9, 2010 at 9:49 PM UTC
So
it is said
she should be dead.
Her trials and turmoils engulfed the strength
beneath her thick, pallid skin.
Her hair frayed to puffy lengths of dried rope.
Her eyes seeking fruitlessly behind and beneath their
center of focus.
The throat a collapsed mine shaft, the men
who once labored in hopes for the reward of her ore
trapped within.
So dismayed, so drained, so damaged.
So frail in her failing strength that love herself would love her.
Near to bursting or imploding,
the skin stretches and hangs,
undulating in its near-death tug-of-war.
Her prisoners gasp for air, the canaries,
yellow,
sickened and grayed by ash.
So far gone that love herself would love her.
Sep 4, 2012
Sep 4, 2012 at 1:00 AM UTC
I BLAME YOU AT&T;!!
For all the tears my baby must be crying thinking I am not there.
For all the calls he is trying to send me and I do not get YOU AT&T;!!
For all the lovely text message I am positive he is desperately sending me, YOU AT&T;!!
For all the "Good morning beautiful's " his strong hands are furiously texting me each and every day AT&T;!!
For all those wonderful "I love you's" he has to be trying fruitlessly to send me throughout the long and lonely days, YOU AT&T;!!
For all the " I miss you baby's" my sweet love must be tearfully hoping I will get, YOU AT&T;!!
I BLAME YOU AT&T;!!
Jan 20, 2017
Jan 20, 2017 at 3:14 PM UTC
The cold wheels hit the tarmac as a hiker falls back into his bed,
their screeching din like a wailing baby contaminated all around,
but their anarchic cries fruitlessly fell when they finally came to stand still,
then down the stairs and into the lobby two lovers could finally hold hands.
Oct 14, 2012
Oct 14, 2012 at 10:40 AM UTC