"dnr" poems
to all my lovers,
please indemnify
the bits of myocardium
you borrowed from me.
you may return them to this address:
150 Mediastinum Lane
Thoracic Cavity, DNR
Apr 6, 2019
Apr 6, 2019 at 9:53 AM UTC
my glacier blues stared down into the darkest browns.
I said, "I don't want be brought back. Be it a sudden death, stroke, whatever, maybe a heart attack. Let me go if its my time. If its my turn I'll gladly go, hey, even in my prime."
the darker didn't understand, or didn't want know.
I was saying goodbye if it was my time to go....
I am DNR.
Arguing on their point to want to live. They didn't get too far.
They made threats, bickered, but I just smiled and said, "Its ok baby. I'm a sensitive RockStar..."
With a DNR
Jul 22, 2014
Jul 22, 2014 at 5:49 PM UTC
We have a checkered past
I call it a story,
Inevitability,
Or something beautiful
I don’t see it with your cold hazel eyes
I don’t dissect it into painful little bits
Trying to discern cause of death
As we’re lying entwined on a cold autopsy table
Before our heart beats have even had the chance to stop racing
I don’t believe it’s avoiding failure if we never try
I never have
You read our history like a eulogy
Citing each fight as a mortal wound
Recounting the tales
Over a mahogany coffin
Holding onto your love
Was like listening to a coroner’s report
Each “I love you” was a doctor, calling it
Was a DNR order
You are ready to dress in black
And call in a headstone engraving
With past tense dates
To bury everything
And just call it a mistake you had to make
But I am not an obituary
Sep 27, 2013
Sep 27, 2013 at 2:22 AM UTC
I signed the DNR form
And steeled myself
As if this cancer were a battle I could fight with my fists
I felt like a man
Standing before the open mouth of a cave marked midnight
Like grimaced teeth and the desire for life were enough
To withstand the fire the chemo caused my skin
It made my skin crawl some nights
I was sure I would wake just bone
Until I looked just bone
Like an ill fitting skin sheet
Draped over a science project
And enough voice to remind whoever heard me
That I was somehow still human
I felt like a man
Who could do this alone or die trying
That if I were given a scalpel
I could cut this out of me
Pull out whatever caused this
It would look like a gnarled black ball
Humming contently
Like lip shushed fingertips
Begging for silence
I chewed on my pillow
Until my jaw taught me to sleep
I felt like a man
At the end of a road
Who finally realized
The difference between battles you fight with your fists
And battles you fight with caves marked midnight
And battles you fight in a sweat drenched hospital bed
That smells like bleach
And makes you miss home
Battles that remind you
No matter what sort of man you feel like
There is always something
That can make you feel like a child
Oct 7, 2011
Oct 7, 2011 at 7:44 AM UTC
I feel lost
the holes in my memory
are too numerous to count.
I become a green-eyed monster
when friends brag about vacation & trips
even though I have taken more trips
to superior locations.
I do not remember.
The minuscule fragments of
my childhood paint a depressing picture.
Abandonments, death after death after death,
Homelessness, loneliness, imperfectness.
My memories have collectively signed a DNR.
They are unrecoverable.
Lost forever in the holes my mind created
to prevent insanity.
Dec 14, 2011
Dec 14, 2011 at 8:50 PM UTC
Daddy don't leave me
I just got you back
I know you've been in pain for years
but to tell you a secret so have I
I know what DNR is
you have no need to explain
I knew this day was coming
just not this day and age
i'm sorry for your pain
I know you just want out
but daddy please don't leave me yet
I only just got you back
May 26, 2014
May 26, 2014 at 7:31 PM UTC
This is misplaced guilt
watching you spiral,
I have to remind myself
it's not my fault.
I can't bring myself
to care the same again,
We were never meant
to last as long as we did.
Self destruction is
all too familiar.
I wouldn't wish it on anybody,
it's not your fault.
I'll always wish you
the best happiness.
You know a girl like me,
I was never meant to be yours.
How these tables have turned,
there's somebody that will
Be there like you once were.
But I won't be at fault.
I choose to follow my
heart to bliss,
Nothing will stop me
from this.
I hate to say it,
but I hope you can
Follow your chest.
You know you've got it
For a reason.
Sep 27, 2012
Sep 27, 2012 at 12:21 PM UTC
"One for the pain,
two to make it go away."
He says as he washes
his benzos down
with whiskey.
He doesn't want to
wake up the next day,
'cause ever since twenty-seven
life's gone downhill.
A tall Japanese woman
stands beside him,
and takes the plunge, too.
Follows it with whiskey.
Always follow with whiskey.
Her marriage is
falling apart,
and ever since twenty-seven
life's gone downhill.
He tried to leave, once,
with a ****** overdose:
"That **** ***** of
a girlfriend had
to save my life."
He tattooed DNR on
both wrists
because of that *****
He tugs on the
Japanese gal's skirt;
even looming suicide
doesn't slake his piggish lust.
She slaps his hand
and stands on the
other side of the
room, arms crossed.
"Ya know,
standing like that
makes yer ****
look bigger."
She walks into the
kitchen and drinks
more whiskey;
that bastard's the reason
for her life's steady decline.
They drive, fully hammered,
to a beach blanketed with fog.
They build, fully hammered,
a bonfire; gotta burn it all!
They sit, fully hammered,
waiting for sleep to hit;
that final slip into oblivion
with a heavy sinking lull.
He can't speak without a slur;
she can't see without a blur.
He can't stand without a wobble;
she can't stand without a topple.
His eyelids grow heavy;
his breath starts to slow.
Her breath isn't steady;
her lungs hardly grow.
Good-night, old friends.
Good-bye.
Jan 20, 2013
Jan 20, 2013 at 11:32 PM UTC
DNR
my glacier blues stared down into the darkest browns.
I said, "I don't want be brought back. Be it a sudden death, stroke, whatever, maybe a heart attack. Let me go if its my time. If its my turn I'll gladly go, hey, even in my prime."
the darker didn't understand, or didn't want know.
I was saying goodbye if it was my time to go....
I am DNR.
Arguing on their point to want to live. They didn't get too far.
They made threats, bickered, but I just smiled and said, "Its ok baby. I'm a sensitive RockStar..."
With a DNR
Aug 29, 2014
Aug 29, 2014 at 2:08 PM UTC
Tie my heart to an anchor and
Drop it into the sea
Blow bubbles into my lungs
And just let them be
Do not pull me apart and fix me
Do not even try
Just leave my veins tangled
Let me bleed -- watch me die
Because you cannot fight
When there is no more war
You cannot run
Without running too far
Tie my heart to an anchor and
Throw it into the sea
Blow bubbles into my lungs
And
Do
Not
Resuscitate
Me
Oct 9, 2013
Oct 9, 2013 at 1:10 PM UTC
There are only two significant places,
where hellos and goodbyes ought to play their roles.
It's where lovers depart from each other,
It's where a decorated soldier from war is welcomed,
It's where a foreign student on visa says goodbye to a country she beloved,
It's where the gypsy soul says hello to an unknown part
of the world.
It's where the comatose patient has awoken,
It's where the old is removed to make way for the new,
It's where babies are brought to the world with a cry of a new life,
It's where miracles happen once in a while,
It's where a heart transplant says hello to a whole new host,
It's where the DNR is signed.
Jul 16, 2015
Jul 16, 2015 at 3:06 PM UTC
there will be time in your life
when nothing seems to work
when all the pain you can muster up in your wrists
will not be nearly enough to shoot endorphins through your veins
when you don’t know if the choking feeling in your throat
is because of the pills you downed in a heartbeat
or the recurring thought of “i’ll never be good enough”
of “maybe i should just **** myself”
when the sadness has drilled too big of a hole in your chest
that your nerves can’t seem to send your brain signals
that pain has flooded your entire system
shutting down not only your organs
but also your ability to move
to speak
to think
when your highs seem like mountains to climb
and your lows just another step forward
to fall into the neverending trance
of the sensation upon reaching the bottom
you just want everything to stop
you want your atriovencular valve to cease its motion
your aortic valve never to open again
to never close again
there will be no more isovolumic contraction nor relaxation
the beat at which your heart dances to keep you alive
you want it all to stop
maybe it will keep you from life’s ups and downs
you want a flat line
no rising action
no falling action
you want nothing
you want to be nothing
or you just want to be happy
but if there are no ups, no downs
no contactions
no relaxations
when your heart has flatlined
that means you’re dead
and no amount of epinephrine will bring you back
just take a shock to the system
please, whatever you do
don’t sign for a DNR
“do not resuscitate”
take a shock to the system
to remind you that being around
is actually pretty worth it
that pain
that suffering
they give beauty to life
they are the beauty of life
that you’re the beauty of someone else’s
Oct 5, 2014
Oct 5, 2014 at 2:03 AM UTC
To keep the patient comfortable was all now I could do.
The diagnosis was terminal and he obviously knew.
I was with him through his surgery that was thelast gasp chance,
and now he looked death in the face with an unflinching glance.
He said “Dear, if you’ll humor me and if there’s any chance,
There are three things on my bucket list before I leave this dance.”
“I’m craving one last cigarette; perhaps a glass of wine;.
“and, If you can arrange it, to see the Sun a final time.”
On the top floor of this hospital there’s an open balcony.
I grubbed a cigarette for him out of sympathy.
I could not get a cabernet; he’d settle for Chablis.
I got him on a gurney and called for an orderly.
That afternoon was splendid and Fall was in the air.
The Sun was setting in the West as he watched it from his chair.
The patient puffed his Marlboro and blew smoke rings for me
He didn’t give me too much grief for my choice of Chablis.
“They say the Lord on Calvary was thirsty for a drink,
A sponge soaking in vinegar they offered Him, I think.”
“So who am I to criticize my nurse’s choice of wine;
Its chilled and it is drinkable so it will serve me fine.”
By evening he was comatose; his pulse was weak and fast
His children said there last goodbyes; grateful for the chance.
They’d arranged it with the Doctors; DNR was on his slip.
I sat and held the old man’s hand as the good god, Morphine, dripped.
Apr 15, 2017
Apr 15, 2017 at 11:58 AM UTC
I'm not in a hurry, though you've made me wait.
I just want to know you, before it's too late.
You dive right on in, and then you drift away.
With slight hesitation, I'd rather you stay.
You gave me a quick gander into your soul.
You made me believe that I could be made whole.
I thought I found hope when I looked in your eyes.
My head and my heart were just whispering lies.
I can't be angry that you don't want to stay.
I don't deserve to be happy anyway.
I don't even deserve to still be alive.
Despite my only prayer, I still haven't died.
The one thing I've needed doesn't exist,
Love's merely a thought, so here's my final wish.
As the last drop of blood, leaves my weeping veins,
Before someone gets paid, to mop up my brains,
Remember you left me alone, with my fate.
Rendered me worthless, do not resuscitate.
Oct 12, 2017
Oct 12, 2017 at 1:54 AM UTC
Stemming from an old familiar place
I plead insanity but not my case,
with red tinted sunglasses covering my face,
failing at trying to hide my shame.
With an abundance of up but lacking down
I’ve searched every street within this town,
I’ll rediscover peace but forget my own name.
I really need it, I’ve got to treat it
again.
No one could survive this,
I’ve got no touch like Midas,
and those same demons are at my door,
the one’s who let themselves in before.
No one could survive this,
I’ve got no will to fight it.
Why waste the strength holding it at bay,
when I can mimic that strength another day, even for show.
Step into character and out of skin,
showcase on the nose but I can’t seem to win.
I have no interest in their flashy jackpot prize,
It’s lacking clear blue skies and her warm eyes,
but I’ll shake hands and force another empty grin.
I really need it, but it’s not greed
it’s pretend.
No one could survive this,
blatant weakness but I hide it,
I’m a lone black sheep among the cattle,
even Peter Pan despised his shadow.
No one could survive this,
a DNR with a revive list,
and no one wants to leave but they never stay,
there’s no direction but they continue on their way, where do they go?
Do you really need this,
I’m willing to bleed for bliss
and transcend.
Do you really need this,
how often will you read this
till you wend?
Do you really need this,
or do you just want to believe this
will end?
Jul 27, 2019
Jul 27, 2019 at 2:17 PM UTC
sometimes, i just
wanna die.
i'm not even sad.
i just
wanna get high.
if i use again,
it's over
for me.
let me sign
a dnr
then leave me be.
Aug 27, 2019
Aug 27, 2019 at 12:04 AM UTC
do not read
my poems
if you will not
read me.
i jumped
from a bridge
and woke up
in the hospital.
apparently
the "DNR"
i wrote
in marker
on my chest
had washed away.
or maybe
they had washed
it away.
i left a note
and it said
"do not read"
as if
anyone
could ever
resist such
an invitation.
and all i wrote
inside was:
"what did
i tell you?"
["i love you."
that is what
i told you.]
Oct 9, 2013
Oct 9, 2013 at 11:59 PM UTC
The lake in my town is
Beautiful
Calming
Crisp and blue
But only if I look from a certain distance.
Until I break the smooth, glass surface and dive down
Run, jump off the dock and splash
I've shattered the calm
I'm in the water
It's surrounding me
Cooling me down
Wrapping me up
Bringing me pleasure by its simple existence
Still underwater, I open my eyes
This is not what it seemed
This isn't how it should be
It's dark
Swirling
I can't see anything
It's all green, full of foreign things
I put my feet down
And they sink into mud
How can this be?
How can something so shining and clear be so...
So different than it seems?
It's *****
Through no fault of its own
Full of sticks and silt and plants
All these, these things invaded the lake
Cluttered it up
Took it over
It was powerless to resist
It couldn't
Do
Anything
A victim of circumstance
A battered man in the side of the highway with no Good Samaritan to come to the rescue
For years
It just is
Crashing, pulling, ebbing, flowing
Hiding
Concealing the mess it really is
Just a few feet down
Don't be sad for Silver Lake
All hope is not lost
It doesn't have to be this way forever
The DNR is going to dredge it
It will take time
But eventually
The lake will be clean
No mud
No tree branches
No blue-green algae
It will be free of all the stifling pressure
Of everything it's been holding in for so long
Then,
It will be just how it looks to me now
Beautiful
Precious
Lovely
Pure
Bright
Calm
Free.
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 4:06 AM UTC
This is an instruction of a dying man. He signs a form that prohibits the doctor from going to extreme lengths to keep him alive. This is indirectly consented suicide. This is the act of a man who no longer wants to live. This, is the instruction of a dying man.
So, Death is knocking at the door and I have decided to not let Deaths’ knock go unanswered. I’ve lived all the life I was meant to and now my body has run its course because it wasn’t meant to get me passed this point - I am about to die.
Family and friends wrapped closely around me like the love they have for me and I’ve left them no control over my life. I’ve made a decision I don’t have to live with - but they do.
If it’s my time, and I’ve done all I can in this life, do not resuscitate me. Do not bring me back to a life where my purpose is fulfilled, and my destiny has been made manifest. Don’t bring me back to be a dormant body watching the fruits of my work! Do Not Resuscitate me
No one knows their time. The painful truth is, when the time comes, that’s hardly the wrong time. If we had a say on when to go, I have a feeling we’d still wipe ourselves out early. We’re already afraid to live, what more if we had the choice. If we had the choice, that would render the works of Marvel irrelevant! Thanos wouldn’t be so bitter about life, but the rest of us would.
We would end our conversations with “Good nights” and tell them to “sleep tight” and they’d take us literal. It would be a good night for them to sleep tight enough to fit inside a coffin. Death would be proud to not have to scour the earth preying on life.
Do Not Resuscitate me
If time allows, and the Heavens agree, I will embark on my last journey with the last few breathes I have. I will boldly walk into the light, and I’d be anxious to see what’s on the other side. I wouldn’t look back.
To be continued..
Jul 18, 2019
Jul 18, 2019 at 5:41 PM UTC
needed mouth to mouth
said "do not resuscitate"
died from lack of love
Sep 28, 2013
Sep 28, 2013 at 3:41 AM UTC
I am the monster, that I hate,
I am the demon, standing at the gate,
Drowning in sadness and depression,
Anxiety crashing the party with desperation,
And i can't, I can't anymore,
Move my feet one step more forward,
It hurts to live, it hurts to breathe,
It's a pain to exist, to even believe,
That things can get better,
Because I've been waiting for that miracle,
Since I was in the 4th grade and I wanted to die,
Yeah, not even 10 years old and I just knew that I,
Was destined for death at an early grave,
So let me go, let me be, do not resuscitate,
Let me suffocate and choke on my own sorrow,
Let me sink below the surface and not be here tomorrow,
Because living is a ******* chore at this point,
And I find no joy, no love, no light,
No one should live like this,
In their own eternal darkness,
Scrambling to survive, forced to live,
And I'm just so ******* tired,
From having to pretend that I'm okay,
That I will be here every single day,
Because I hate myself,
I carry around guilt,
And it weighs me down like a whole other person,
Just constantly strangling me while climbing on my back,
Telling me you aren't worth another minute,
Of living on this planet,
And I believe it, and it feels like ****
So let me go, let me be, do not resuscitate,
Let me suffocate and choke on my own sorrow,
Let me sink below the surface and not be here tomorrow,
Because living is a ******* chore at this point,
And I find no joy, no love, no light,
Jan 26, 2019
Jan 26, 2019 at 2:59 PM UTC
In the moments before death my brain had flooded with DMT
And I could see in my mind’s eye all of the best that had been between us.
From somewhere above my body I silently screamed that the DNR was a mistake
I was comforted then in knowing that you would soon follow me into the dark
-a willing victim of our shared cancer.
I had seen your hospice nurses and heard your death rattles for years.
Even still I longed so much for you to grab the paddles and force me back
but we had agreed not to resuscitate;
so paralyzed I watched my life leave.
It was first with a whimper and then with sobs
that I grasped wildly around the small pitch box
in search of you who had promised to die with me.
I found instead more darkness, the smell of dirt
and that not even the ghost of you had come to lay.
I can sometimes hear you eulogize my goodness from above
when you come to pick the flowers I’m growing with what is left of me.
I won’t reach for you anymore as I did last night.
I will lie very still.
Without a whimper.
Dec 5, 2019
Dec 5, 2019 at 4:35 PM UTC
There's this thing about the dead.
When your love one is gone,
When someone you love has passed away,
The DNR signed,
Plugs were taken out,
He layed Stiff,
Buried underground,
Deep beneath dirt,
Deep beneath earth,
You try to remember those moments with him,
Your first date,
Your first kiss on the elevator,
Flashbacks come and go,
And you smell his sweater that he likes,
You're missing him so bad,
Sometimes you cry out his name
when you're asleep,
The side of the bed is wearing unevenly,
Sometimes you feel his presence,
You know you'll survive this,
but, sometimes you just wish that he'll always be there,
to hold your hands,
when you're scared to face the world alone.
It's been a year,
and I'm still mesmerize when I look at you,
how you've move forward,
how you've move on,
so courageously,
so fearlessly,
so swiftly.
I know you're still learning how
to let go,
I can see it in your eyes.
Hang in there, dear heart.
May 27, 2015
May 27, 2015 at 8:28 AM UTC