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anna Jan 2021
I’m too scared to get up. I can’t do anything. I can’t move. I’m sitting at the floor of my bathroom. I’m kind of crying, but not, like, bawling. Just shedding tears.

I get up and go to my room. I’m too scared to take off my clothes. I do it anyway but it takes so long. I put on warm clothes even though everyone else is wearing shorts and a t shirt. I stand up and want to go out the door, but I can’t.

I step out the door into the hallways and see a dark red carpet stretched out along the floor and everything is dark and ***** and big.

I look around and realize everything reminds me of different things and I see many different pictures in my head. I can’t hear anything and my mind is dizzy. I stand there to let the movies pass. I walk downstairs and feel dizzy. I just feel dizzy. My brain feels ice cold and hot tingles at the base of my brain. Almost like the feeling of extreme embarrassment.

It’s hard to let my chest rise and fall. I’m not thinking like this because I’m sad, but I just think it would be easier if I didn’t breathe at all. Or if I just died right here.
I’m staring outside and my vision seems to jiggle. It’s hard to breathe. My heart is pounding in my head and throat.
I wrote this right after I had possibly the biggest panic attack I’ve ever had. Now that I read it a year later, I think it’s beautiful and hauntingly sad.
anna Dec 2020
It is day one
and I am alone in a hollow shell
with you,
in the dark
and our breathing turns
into short bursts of longing.

I let my fingers trace the god I found
shaped like you
and our eyes meet in the heavy darkness
along with our hands, arms, legs, and lips
I slip into the hollow shell we made
with twists and curves like a nautilus-
your sheets are the ocean tossed gently around us

is an art, and I do it well
to the point where
I do not want to live tomorrow.
But it is day two
and I am dead without you
just saying, sappho would be proud
anna Apr 2019
I saw her in a café, through slightly fogged glasses from the steam of tea
between my fingers,
sipping streams without really tasting.

she stood there with dark hair
just above her shoulders, which
fell in waterfalls along both sides
of her cheeks,

and the mumble of her dark green eyes
differ from the specks of gilt around her pupils,

as I neglect the check
from smitten carelessness
anna Apr 2019
my future partner,

Hi, I’m anna. I guess we’re co-writing this chapter of our lives together. I’m sure it’ll be epic. It takes a while for me to viscerally latch onto another being, so congrats to you for stealing my heart
because if I’m with you, that probably means I really love you.

I like sushi a lot, empty bookstores, and tea sipping sessions with my cat, xiaoxiao, who you will probably hear me talk about twenty-four seven. I hope you’re a cat person.

Within the realm of the arts, I like to write poetry and play piano. But my secret hobby is photography. It’s the best way to know someone without really knowing them. And if you hurt me, I’ll probably create an entire musical composition or a playlist of poetry about it. But I’ll forgive you instantly.

I might make mistakes, too. For instance, I’m horrible with directions, remembering events, deadlines, or anything unrelated to pedantic learning. My erratic and changeable moods can be quite the predicament as well, but I promise to be as tolerable as I can be through my storms.
I’m a biomedical science major with a minor in neuroscience. Assimilating an array of medical innovations, education, and terminology is, personally, my zenith of academic interest. I have a love and longing to help others. But sometimes, moving towards this ultimate vocation is strenuous and I do hope you understand how much medicine means to me. This means late night MCAT study sessions, mountains of neuroscience books, stacks of terminology notecards, homework, and paramounts of stress.

But I want to work on that. I promise that whatever I love, I love to a seemingly boundless depth- “from the tip of my apex and beyond,” if you’re into medical puns. I promise I’ll take you out to dinner, plan cute dates, and spend as much quality time with you as I can. I promise, we’ll travel to so many places, eat all the food we can in all the countries we visit, dive in every ocean we can find, and fly over every country we can point to on a map.

Most importantly, I promise to give you reasons to continue the chapters in your book. Because I struggle with that too.
Whether it be in a month, a year, a decade, or a lifetime...

I promise to love you, see you soon
anna Apr 2019
the greatest distance
is not life and death,
it is the distance
between the time zones
of heaven and earth.
anna Apr 2019
i’m like dynamite-
need a cheerleader,
let me throw you down
while i look at her-

i’m like, “oh, my god,
“i think i need a girlfriend.”
anna Apr 2019
oh, darling, you love me like
fire loves trees-
destructive and pernicious

oh, darling, you love me like
oceans love shores-
fleetingly affectionate

oh, darling, when will you cease
this toxic interest?
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