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"dissociating" poems
I do not see space travel as an evolutionary event I look at it as an excess of dissociative disorder colonialism and the making of whiteness whiteness justifying the guilt by searching and searching somewhere else not somewhere better just somewhere else there is nothing better than how we evolved are place within experience all that surrounds us is intimately woven with our sheer experience that has evolved without the possibility of memory or redundancy or even a pattern or repetition to desire somewhere else is to leave the best most evolved experience of being human organic intelligence artificial intelligence has patterns that are not evolution or the experience there of they are patterns that are also of this desire to be some where else where ever it may be a space or an entity an other counter-transferance aliens colonization product of whiteness excess the profit of colonization dissociative disorder from the experience of being human if you teach people that evolution is something related to a process that is merely the documentation of the desire to be somewhere or something else slavery is a combination of somewhere else and something else it is like aliens inherently under control of a powerful military actually the alien extracted from their home all mighty whiteness is the most powerful dissociative power evolution did indeed give us the possibility to dissociate but is was designed for empathy not as a tool to be somewhere or something else the experience of the dissociative human declaring whiteness has other opportunity but to experience slavery since it is a dissociation it is delusional and although the human dissociating may not be within the structure of slavery they conceive they are without the original experience I notice them organic intelligence resumes
0
Aug 9, 2016
Aug 9, 2016 at 10:23 PM UTC
somewhere and something else simultaneously
I do not see space travel as an evolutionary event I look at it as an excess of dissociative disorder colonialism and the making of whiteness whiteness justifying the guilt by searching and searching somewhere else not somewhere better just somewhere else there is nothing better than how we evolved are place within experience all that surrounds us is intimately woven with our sheer experience that has evolved without the possibility of memory or redundancy or even a pattern or repetition to desire somewhere else is to leave the best most evolved experience of being human organic intelligence artificial intelligence has patterns that are not evolution or the experience there of they are patterns that are also of this desire to be some where else where ever it may be a space or an entity an other counter-transferance aliens colonization product of whiteness excess the profit of colonization dissociative disorder from the experience of being human if you teach people that evolution is something related to a process that is merely the documentation of the desire to be somewhere or something else slavery is a combination of somewhere else and something else it is like aliens inherently under control of a powerful military actually the alien extracted from their home all mighty whiteness is the most powerful dissociative power evolution did indeed give us the possibility to dissociate but is was designed for empathy not as a tool to be somewhere or something else the experience of the dissociative human declaring whiteness has other opportunity but to experience slavery since it is a dissociation it is delusional and although the human dissociating may not be within the structure of slavery they conceive they are without the original experience I notice them organic intelligence resumes
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77
You tried to pull a gun on me. I just pulled mine faster But what you don't know is Three days later I put my gun to my head. I couldn't live with the fact That I almost pulled the trigger on you That I was ready to stop your threat. What you don't know is one month later I still had nightmares That I overdosed on pills Hoping to never wake up. Six months later I still see your face I still think of the what ifs One year later I still wake up screaming Fighting your invisible threat. One year and six months later You voice still haunts me. You were eager to **** be because I wore a badge and gun. My coworkers ***** me. Two against me. What you two didnt see The detectives interrogated me. Told me I asked for it I should have fought back One day later the detective picks me up I tried over dosing minutes before they came They noticed the cuts but didn't notice That I was falling fast I couldn't keep my eyes open. My speech was slurring I walked like i was drunk I made it through the **** kit I got home and slept for three days straight One month later i quit my job. My body couldn't handle the stress I kept dissociating. Six months later I still couldn't have *** I started learning jujitsu I had bought a gun One year later I was more confident But i still feared *** I feared men I still had nightmares Two years later I'm still managing to struggle I still hear your voices Still see your faces Still feel you in my dreams Two years and six months later I'm more confident. I still have difficulty with men. But now I am well on my way to be a police officer An EMT I can't let you win! Ever!
0
Oct 18, 2018
Oct 18, 2018 at 11:52 PM UTC
Memories
You tried to pull a gun on me. I just pulled mine faster But what you don't know is Three days later I put my gun to my head. I couldn't live with the fact That I almost pulled the trigger on you That I was ready to stop your threat. What you don't know is one month later I still had nightmares That I overdosed on pills Hoping to never wake up. Six months later I still see your face I still think of the what ifs One year later I still wake up screaming Fighting your invisible threat. One year and six months later You voice still haunts me. You were eager to **** be because I wore a badge and gun. My coworkers ***** me. Two against me. What you two didnt see The detectives interrogated me. Told me I asked for it I should have fought back One day later the detective picks me up I tried over dosing minutes before they came They noticed the cuts but didn't notice That I was falling fast I couldn't keep my eyes open. My speech was slurring I walked like i was drunk I made it through the **** kit I got home and slept for three days straight One month later i quit my job. My body couldn't handle the stress I kept dissociating. Six months later I still couldn't have *** I started learning jujitsu I had bought a gun One year later I was more confident But i still feared *** I feared men I still had nightmares Two years later I'm still managing to struggle I still hear your voices Still see your faces Still feel you in my dreams Two years and six months later I'm more confident. I still have difficulty with men. But now I am well on my way to be a police officer An EMT I can't let you win! Ever!
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60
right now sacrifice is fueling opportunity an opportunity to breathe with an uninterrupted purpose the corruption of our native soul stop nourishing it by constructing whiteness sacrificing ethnicity for the temporal indulgence adrenaline ***** torturing intensity of dissociation hallucinating whiteness the worst drug ever manufactured forced upon our children intricate delicate vulnerable violence tripping stumbling dissociating from an eternity of survival of the most cooperative deterring forgetting intoxicating for a moment momentum of ******
0
Sep 8, 2018
Sep 8, 2018 at 5:37 PM UTC
hallucinating whiteness again
Oh man oh man you should have seen him I said whiteness is a mental illness a dissociative disorder dissociating from being human to construct something constantly never finished never human until it stops his head started to shake then spin around like an angry owl people were scared the police stopped traffic a priest came for the exorcism the man made out the words “I…no…you can’t just group everyone together like that” see what I mean thats dissociative behavior whiteness is the grouping of humans it is not an ethnicity like the humans are actually made of that it tries to possess It needs to stop It has had impunity due to legal dissociation Whiteness was invented to create skin color based slavery for profit for the exploitation of being human unless you are trying to create slavery whiteness is a mental illness needs treatment immediately and those that whiteness traumatizes by dissociation also need impunity and protection from a genocidal maniac called whiteness narcissistic smash its mirror to treat whiteness as a mental illness and to treat it is overly compassionate considering it is actually criminal the mans head stopped spinning he came back and said calmly “Thank you. You are right."
0
Jul 30, 2016
Jul 30, 2016 at 1:28 PM UTC
Exorcism
As I walk through the park, I can feel myself slip away. The eyes go numb. The brain goes high functioning but super rational. My skin doesn't fit anymore, Like a suit that never got tailored properly. The doctor calls it Dissociating. I see that shopping cart man. The soap from his last shower has long since washed away. His skin is the cracked, brown leather of a bull whip and his voice rings     out like an Indiana Jones anthem. He speaks in parables and nonsensical phrases. I wonder if he is me. Or am I him? Walking through the park, watching him, I see no recognition of this     world in his eyes, and wonder what he's living in. Maybe his entire life is a delusion and he sees his life through my eyes. Is what I've been seeing and living what he sees and lives? Will I wake up one day, and look around and realize I'm in this park? I've always been here. I told the Doctor I don't think so. I don't think I'm actually Dissociative. I just often argue the actuality of my own existence with myself.
0
Sep 10, 2016
Sep 10, 2016 at 1:53 AM UTC
Who's Really Dissociative In This Piece?
did you take your medicine this morning? we noticed you haven't come out of your room all day. yes, the appointment is the 29th. you didn't write down the homework. what homework? you can't turn it in now. if i help myself, i might lose you you're a talented writer, i saw that from early on but as a reader, it's impossible to like the narrator he's sort of an immature **** ...yes? the sound of an entry plug fills your senses lcl the primordial ooze hair should be floating but nothing changes nothing at all did they really think this through? dissociating is an interesting thing do you realize that these lines dont make sense
0
Sep 17, 2015
Sep 17, 2015 at 9:33 PM UTC
is your keyboard okay?
Time is moving so slow I'm dissociating the danger I'm in my consciousness is blocking it from my mind But even though I can't comprehend the enormity of what's about to happen, I still can't seem to catch my breath It's still all I can think about I don't understand I don't want this I'm scared
0
Jan 21, 2025
Jan 21, 2025 at 3:07 PM UTC
Help
I wanted to draw what dissociating felt like But there still was an empty paper
0
Dec 10, 2019
Dec 10, 2019 at 10:26 AM UTC
Note 270:
A striking increase in absorbance of DNA upon denaturation is known as the hyperchromic effect. The two strands of DNA are bound together mainly by the stacking interactions, hydrogen bonds and hydrophobic effect between the complementary bases. In their native state, the bases of DNA absorb light in the 260-nm wavelength region. When the bases become unstacked, the wavelength of maximum absorbance does not change, but the amount absorbed increases by 37%. A double stranded DNA strand dissociating to two single strands produces a sharp cooperative transition.
0
Oct 3, 2021
Oct 3, 2021 at 7:40 AM UTC
Gyrations of Grey Matter
can't wake up, it´s not a dream, trying to escape it, with no way out, just dissociating, disconnecting from the world, the feelings, the thoughts, from everything, entering the void, a simple retreat, only I am there, a time out
0
May 20, 2025
May 20, 2025 at 11:10 AM UTC
Borderline
Everyone says I have trauma, But they don’t know a thing. I always thought I didn’t do things by halves, But I only do the last end of suffering. There is no trauma there, Should I hate to disappoint you? (I don’t.) Everyone thinks I have trauma. And when I feel strong, Is it ever good enough, Or too much, too healthy? Must I be faking, Or am I just dissociating? Everyone believes I have trauma. There is no trauma back there.
0
Aug 7, 2019
Aug 7, 2019 at 10:20 PM UTC
Everyone Else’s Trauma
oh the seasons have changed again ten shades darker and climbing they forgot who I was who I am gaining momentum the whiteness that used to insist that I am white is confused now they are leaning towards not letting me be white anymore till next season all over again but this is the season of darkness I can see it in their eyes hear it in their voices mostly being black in America has been the epitome of non violent resistance in the season of darkness non violent coping mechanisms to a violent abuser an abuser called law called psychology called whiteness called economy untreated domestic abuse whiteness calls honors history dissociating from the repair work that the American family must face ever since I was a little itsy-bitsy - innocent boy the thought the imagination of being able to take out a militia of whiteness with my body alone if and when they get as worse as they are always prepared for the worst of whiteness no matter what you say cannot fool me can I be more violent? better at it so I can sleep for a little while dreams like some of the white kids except lucid In the season of darkness I can prove it all wrong the whiteness its story the companies it keeps I can breathe a whole new world out and breathe in clarity in the season of darkness my afros my mohawks mean something different suddenly my worth is being threatened with an officer’s gun peacefully letting handcuffs on violently beaten afterward hand over mouth face in the cement should out of socket sciatic nerve damage forever put in a cell for the trauma to reverberate and echo back into itself in the season of darkness whiteness was overwhelmed without fear domino affected occupied whiteness brought it down to its knees that one percent of whiteness is enough to get us all killed America in the season of darkness
0
Jul 24, 2016
Jul 24, 2016 at 3:42 PM UTC
occupy whiteness
oh the seasons have changed again ten shades darker and climbing they forgot who I was who I am gaining momentum the whiteness that used to insist that I am white is confused now they are leaning towards not letting me be white anymore till next season all over again but this is the season of darkness I can see it in their eyes hear it in their voices mostly being black in America has been the epitome of non violent resistance in the season of darkness non violent coping mechanisms to a violent abuser an abuser called law called psychology called whiteness called economy untreated domestic abuse whiteness calls honors history dissociating from the repair work that the American family must face ever since I was a little itsy-bitsy - innocent boy the thought the imagination of being able to take out a militia of whiteness with my body alone if and when they get as worse as they are always prepared for the worst of whiteness no matter what you say cannot fool me can I be more violent? better at it so I can sleep for a little while dreams like some of the white kids except lucid In the season of darkness I can prove it all wrong the whiteness its story the companies it keeps I can breathe a whole new world out and breathe in clarity in the season of darkness my afros my mohawks mean something different suddenly my worth is being threatened with an officer’s gun peacefully letting handcuffs on violently beaten afterward hand over mouth face in the cement should out of socket sciatic nerve damage forever put in a cell for the trauma to reverberate and echo back into itself in the season of darkness whiteness was overwhelmed without fear domino affected occupied whiteness brought it down to its knees that one percent of whiteness is enough to get us all killed America in the season of darkness
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81
I am being split, torn apart. This is disintegrating, dissolving, dissociating. I feel too much until I feel nothing at all. The misery and anguish vanish just as the first tear falls. This is overwhelmed, numb, bipolar. I starve and then binge. I want control but release it once I get it. This is grasping, reaching, flailing. I need to go out and do something, but as soon as I take a step toward the door, I retreat to my bed. I long to taste freedom, and I am the one confining myself. This is incarceration, entrapment, suffocation. I am ashes scattered on a raging sea, dead and fragmented and irreparable. Not even all the king’s men could put her back together again…
0
May 13, 2013
May 13, 2013 at 9:22 PM UTC
Shattered
Sometimes I am barely a person. Just a walking, talking doll, waiting for instruction. I feel like a faraway dream. Just waiting for them to give or take my autonomy. The only time I can feel for myself is when I'm manic, in panic, screaming for help. When I'm in this place, it is spiritual. Death waits patiently, anticipating at my door. So far from reality, lost in a place of need. Feed me your attention and pull on my leash.
0
Jan 22, 2025
Jan 22, 2025 at 1:46 PM UTC
Dissociating
My mind's full of thoughts I don't want. Sequences, images of things I can never have. It's not about fantasizing about a better life before you get to sleep. It's about dissociating from reality and excessively gritting your teeth. You want and try to stop but in a few seconds you find yourself lost. I can't remember when did it all begin, probably way back before I was even a teen. I want to cut my skin open and get out of my body, leave behind this broken mind. It smothers me, it takes me to the edge, it's eating me alive. I'm losing it. Oh, I'm losing myself. I don't want a way out, I want to be dead. As I write this I'm imagining things. Stop! Someone, rescue me! I'm losing it. Can I go crazy? I think I will. I'll **** myself before it ends me. I'm losing it.
0
Apr 13, 2018
Apr 13, 2018 at 2:24 PM UTC
Maladaptive Daydreaming.
You found my hills- ignoring the pleas and appeals. You rampaged your way into the hidden valley, while I sat their dissociating - assuming death was my finale. You scourged through my dips and curves, as though I should be flattered you came back for thirds. Imprinting your unwelcomed touch on my mind forever, the violation of my body will be forgotten never.
0
Oct 25, 2018
Oct 25, 2018 at 6:25 AM UTC
The Violation of My Body
No child should have to Look into the face of death Not even the child within Can know they're self-prepared Some shocked stand staring in air Perhaps the lucky ones Quickly integrate despair Some stand strong quickly moving on Dissociating to get the job done And now my psyche's on the run At the sound of breaking bones And the sight of blood and guts A hundred years later The fallout is quite abrupt...
0
Apr 30, 2015
Apr 30, 2015 at 8:48 AM UTC
SHELL SHOCKED
I’ve been told since day one “what you’re doing will leave permanent damage.” But, I’m stuck neck deep into an addiction I’ve tried but can’t manage. I know my will to live is tough, but my cravings are tougher. They say; “the brain needs 8 hours of sleep every night to recover.” But, I’m up binging for days in a row saying **** it” while overdosing. I lit another cigarette, nothing hit like being high and chain smoking. I lose all of my self-control and I take more until I think I'm dying. Until I’m sick and shivering and there is no point denying. That I’m delusional and paranoid. It won’t take too long until I'm hallucinating. Until I can't recognize myself or the world, and I get stuck dissociating. I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, I meet her eyes and I freeze. Her skin is gray, with tired eyes. She crumbles and her breathing cease. Stuck inside a body she can't beat, wanting to get free. My eyes tear up and my heart stops when I realize she is me.
0
Jul 8, 2021
Jul 8, 2021 at 11:32 AM UTC
Overdosing
why can't i write anymore? what have i lost that once meant everything to me? don't say it don't say it's him. just because he's gone doesn't mean i have to be. but then again i always have had a habit of dissociating with the identities that remind me of suffering. i wonder if someday, in a few years, i will dissociate with this identity, this current one the identity that dreams of scientific discovery of astrophysics, and neuropsychology of MIT and professors who think i have talent and will adopt some other one that is just as opposite as science was to writing. i wonder if i'll ever know who i truly am or if i'll just keep leaving behind everything that links me to these sleepless, anxious nights to this pale face, these cold hands, these downcast eyes to the depression that seems to follow me wherever i go. i'm so lost and if i can't even find myself, who else will?
0
Feb 16, 2015
Feb 16, 2015 at 2:33 AM UTC
lost
I don't understand All the things that I feel This anger isn't genuine It's spawned from sadness From hurt From pain I love you undeniably And it feels like You dont feel the same
0
Jun 7, 2018
Jun 7, 2018 at 7:57 PM UTC
Dissociating
Trauma tried to mold me Hiding away I developed phobias Shrinking into myself   He planted the layers of  youth with deceit While I held the truth Dissociating and unfolding mentally My clothes,  my body felt foreign His lips tried to instill shame I'm weary and shy now living with anxiousness Why did not anyone see this? I often ask why Blinded and fooled or just ignored? I want to be secure again and begin to heal Seize the moment to have control No longer a hostage in my own mind
0
Feb 4, 2019
Feb 4, 2019 at 1:16 AM UTC
Hostage In My Own Mind
breakfast is the most important meal of the day which is something i would laugh off as my stomach would growl in my nutritions class and i learned to inhale sharply to somehow combat the noise the noise of my stomach screaming to the world in that backstabbing way that i am not eating breakfast nor did i eat much of dinner nor will i want to be able to stomach anything for lunch “i’m completely normal” my eating habits aren’t rapidly fluctuating i’m not sleeping during completely random times of the day trying to sleep off my body’s hunger like i can sleep off frustration (nutrients are a constant need they don’t just stop being things you need because you just don’t want anything in your body anymore) you used to want so much what’s so baffling is that sometimes hunger can feel like the muffled conversation riddled with worry hunger is the knocking on the door telling you that it wants to come in and you don’t want it to but for a reason you know makes no sense but it makes perfect sense in the moment when your brain shakes hands with itself and tells you that eating is for when the work is done when the reward is deserved that a need is a want and needs are intangible things that keep you socially alive rather than actually and then you ask yourself if you, wanting to feel alive is the problem when i don’t eat i am empty i don’t make ****** functions because my body cannot function and when i function, my body is empty and to keep my body empty i do not eat there is no beauty in feeling hollow breakfast is the most important meal of the day which is something i would laugh off as i could barely stand up in a hot shower as i could barely utter a conscious word without overworking my brain my brain that shakes hands with itself to communicate with itself that i do not deserve to eat food i do not deserve to feel alive i want eating to feel normal i want to put priority on food but i cannot bear to feel present but i cannot bear to be present when i do not feel present because i am not present i am not me
0
Nov 28, 2018
Nov 28, 2018 at 3:17 AM UTC
on dissociating and not eating
breakfast is the most important meal of the day which is something i would laugh off as my stomach would growl in my nutritions class and i learned to inhale sharply to somehow combat the noise the noise of my stomach screaming to the world in that backstabbing way that i am not eating breakfast nor did i eat much of dinner nor will i want to be able to stomach anything for lunch “i’m completely normal” my eating habits aren’t rapidly fluctuating i’m not sleeping during completely random times of the day trying to sleep off my body’s hunger like i can sleep off frustration (nutrients are a constant need they don’t just stop being things you need because you just don’t want anything in your body anymore) you used to want so much what’s so baffling is that sometimes hunger can feel like the muffled conversation riddled with worry hunger is the knocking on the door telling you that it wants to come in and you don’t want it to but for a reason you know makes no sense but it makes perfect sense in the moment when your brain shakes hands with itself and tells you that eating is for when the work is done when the reward is deserved that a need is a want and needs are intangible things that keep you socially alive rather than actually and then you ask yourself if you, wanting to feel alive is the problem when i don’t eat i am empty i don’t make ****** functions because my body cannot function and when i function, my body is empty and to keep my body empty i do not eat there is no beauty in feeling hollow breakfast is the most important meal of the day which is something i would laugh off as i could barely stand up in a hot shower as i could barely utter a conscious word without overworking my brain my brain that shakes hands with itself to communicate with itself that i do not deserve to eat food i do not deserve to feel alive i want eating to feel normal i want to put priority on food but i cannot bear to feel present but i cannot bear to be present when i do not feel present because i am not present i am not me
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67
Air is always crisp, no matter where I am Cool air swirls into my lungs I think, I think and I think I'd like to shut off this part of me that over-analyzes Because I have this feeling that if I just quiet my mind I'll experience such profound insight like never before It sounds counter intuitive, But ceasing to verbalize just may be the gateway to most of our solutions When I dream I go places or do things unfathomable I use to live quite an unfathomable life Even though back then I was really depressed and disassociated When I look back, it's weird Because it seems to me like I should have been having the best times of my life But really I was just in situations That looked fun and thrilling But I was just so perturbed back then I lived as wildly as Hunter S Thompson back then Or maybe I was like Jack Kerouac, On The Road It sounds fun But I was just always on the run Always trying to escape to the point of escaping my own mind by dissociating Looking into the mirror and feeling so distant from the reflected image Taking dangerous concoctions of alcohol and drugs And not a moment of my waking life was their a point where I wasn't high on **** Making that Mary Jane be my codependent lover One I couldn't live without Even with the paranoia and the panic attacks... Last night I had a dream that I smoked **** again And my throat closed up and I started choking... In that dream I remember what it was like Back in my senior year of high school I can barely remember It was all just an excruciatingly painful blur I wake up to my reality, and although it's not all I want it to be I couldn't be more grateful That I'm out of the self sabotage With a healthier personality It's weird to think of who I used to be Because of how much I've changed I can't believe that was who I used to be Radically reformed is my identity It's just really weird, you see It's beyond human reason to understand this change that has happened in me.
0
Nov 5, 2016
Nov 5, 2016 at 8:16 AM UTC
Beyond Human Reason
Air is always crisp, no matter where I am Cool air swirls into my lungs I think, I think and I think I'd like to shut off this part of me that over-analyzes Because I have this feeling that if I just quiet my mind I'll experience such profound insight like never before It sounds counter intuitive, But ceasing to verbalize just may be the gateway to most of our solutions When I dream I go places or do things unfathomable I use to live quite an unfathomable life Even though back then I was really depressed and disassociated When I look back, it's weird Because it seems to me like I should have been having the best times of my life But really I was just in situations That looked fun and thrilling But I was just so perturbed back then I lived as wildly as Hunter S Thompson back then Or maybe I was like Jack Kerouac, On The Road It sounds fun But I was just always on the run Always trying to escape to the point of escaping my own mind by dissociating Looking into the mirror and feeling so distant from the reflected image Taking dangerous concoctions of alcohol and drugs And not a moment of my waking life was their a point where I wasn't high on **** Making that Mary Jane be my codependent lover One I couldn't live without Even with the paranoia and the panic attacks... Last night I had a dream that I smoked **** again And my throat closed up and I started choking... In that dream I remember what it was like Back in my senior year of high school I can barely remember It was all just an excruciatingly painful blur I wake up to my reality, and although it's not all I want it to be I couldn't be more grateful That I'm out of the self sabotage With a healthier personality It's weird to think of who I used to be Because of how much I've changed I can't believe that was who I used to be Radically reformed is my identity It's just really weird, you see It's beyond human reason to understand this change that has happened in me.
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