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Alexa Sep 2021
Every year about 800 000 people lose the constant war they have with themself. A stranger to you, someone who meant nothing, but that someone once was somebody else's everything.

Our mental illnesses and disorders have been so overly glorified and romanticized in today’s media, music, and social media. It has become desirable and trendy, and it’s making me sick.
Our problems weren’t discovered, closely studied, monitored, and used to give us an answer to the questions why, when, and how, just for some teens to use it as a way to evoke shame and make fun of someone.
There are over 171, 476 words used in the English language, 10,000 adjectives, 2,123 adverbs, 46 conjunctions, 77 interjections, 17,450 nouns, 26 particles, 39 prepositions, 17 pronouns, and 5,986 verbs. I bet there are a bunch of other adjectives to call your friend when they “go crazy”.
So please stop using our chemical imbalances and the result of years of traumas because you need to feel unique.

No, we aren’t okay with you using our pain and struggles as a way for you to feel edgy and special.
“I Am NoT lIkE oThEr GiRlS” No, you are lying to yourself and
others by faking and exaggerating your anxiety and your depression because it’s “SO ROMANTIC WHEN A BOY SAVES YOU”.

But truth be told;
Kissing your partner's scars isn’t adorable.
Saving someone from a suicide attempt doesn’t make you a brave hero.
Anxiety disorders don’t transform you into a poor struggling soul needing someone to save you.
Depression never turned me into a misunderstood beautiful flower, someone who’s fragile and needs protection.
Bipolar disorder is so extremely much more than “just mood swings”;
When I have a manic episode it doesn’t mean I am suddenly super productive.
Dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is not “so cool or so crazy” it’s best explained as living in an unpredictable nightmare, but you can not wake up.
Being paranoid is not cool, you are in a constant fight or flight mode, and you are thinking something bad will happen any second.
Having Anorexia is not the same thing as just skipping breakfast one morning.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is not a “gift or superpower” you suddenly wanted to give to yourself with no right to do so.
Having social anxiety is not quirky, it’s debilitating.
Succeeding or failing a Suicide attempt won’t make all of your bullies suddenly stop being bullies and make them feel guilty.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is not the same as liking it when things are organized.
Bulimia is not a diagnosis you should aspire to get, you won’t turn into a beautiful thin person, you will turn into a dying mentally unstable wreck.
Being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) doesn’t equal not knowing how to make friends and enjoying being alone.
No, You don’t have Tourette Syndrome (TS), I have never heard of a TS type where you only have trouble with “vocal tics” when someone is not doing what you ask them to. You simply just lack manners and have no idea how to read a room, your parents failed to turn you into a decent human being and you just don’t feel like working on it.
Insomnia is a lot more than staying up 1 out of 7 days a week because you “did not feel tired and was too bored to stay in bed”.
Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) is not ******* easy to live with and doesn’t mean you are weak.
My daddy issues are not **** or make me a freak in bed.                          
Schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders are not “Only hearing and seeing things”.
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) doesn’t mean someone is coldhearted and evil.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is not the same as having different personalities with different friend groups.
Addicts are not weak, dumb, or “only have themself to blame.”
Being burned out doesn’t equal you thinking school or work is boring.

To even get evaluated we often have to fight for years until we find a psychiatrist who takes us seriously. Some of us find ourselves dumbfounded by the answers to the questions we have had to deal with for years and stuff we thought everyone dealt with.
Others are not that lucky and have to do most of the work themself, they find out what is wrong after thoroughly reading every article on PubMed, MedScape, and WebMD they can find. Because, honestly, psychiatrists do **** sometimes.

Society has been fetishizing our mental illnesses and disorders for way too long.
You see my crazy as **** and desired until my crazy pops up out of thin air and ends with wounds, blood, traumas, antipsychotics, and paramedics.
We get belittled, invalidated, and have our symptoms dulled down because people get off to them.
I am not your manic pixie dream girl or your Harley Quinn.
If the “type” of people you get attracted to is mentally unstable girls with daddy issues, a chemical imbalance, and a lack of impulse control, you are a part of the problem.

Also, Meghan Markle won’t see the embarrassing Facebook posts you write about how you don't believe she was “really suicidal and only wanted attention”, but your suicidal friends will.

You know who’s not laughing at your jokes about how people who died or were lucky enough to survive their suicide attempt are weak and how they “took the easy way out”? Your best friend who’s barely holding on, or maybe it’s your little sister tempted by the bottle of pills in her hand, or maybe, just maybe, it’s your lover who locked themself in the bathroom and is currently gasping for air on the cold tile floor because they would rather go through their panic attack completely alone than having to ask for your help. Is your joke still funny?

We are asked: “have you ever considered how your mental illness makes ME feel? How much you are hurting me?
And yes we have. We worry about that every single day of our life. And every single hour we spend awake we are overwhelmed with the feeling that our loved ones would be so much better off if we just died, but thank you, from the bottom of our hearts for your contribution. There is nothing we love more than being reminded of how much of a burden we are.

I swear we aren’t monsters. The friends I have who are dealing with mental illnesses are some of the kindest, most selfless, and caring people I have ever had the fortune to meet. We have nothing in common except for our serotonin deficiency and we bond through our traumas.
We try our hardest to heal other broken people because we know what rock bottom feels like.
We calm them down and distract them from the breathtaking panic attacks and overpowering suicidal thoughts visiting them at 3 am, because we all know way too well how easy it is to slip in and out of your head, and how it feels to lose touch with reality.
We stay up throughout the night to keep each other safe and breathing because deep down we are all just a bunch of suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids that suicide isn’t the answer.
We check-in and remind each other to eat, take our meds and stay hydrated.
We repeatedly prove the voices in our friends' heads wrong, while we listen blindly to our own demons believing every cruel and damaging lie they feed us.
We are lost kids looking for someone to call our own and somewhere to call home.
We were all raised being told by either our mom or dad or some other adult to not talk to strangers online, because they are dangerous, and they would ruin our lives.
But my mom and dad couldn’t have been more wrong, because when I met strangers online, I didn’t find danger, I found a family.
I have felt love stronger than anything you will ever experience in your life.
We love like we have nothing to lose because we truly have nothing to lose.
We have each other’s backs and we proved that family doesn’t have to be blood.
I am forever grateful towards the ones who stuck around, and to the new ones that life brought to me. The ones who have seen me relapse probably a thousand times but never lost hope, and the ones who were never meant to stay forever. I will always have you back.

What I am trying to tell you with all of this is that we are all fighting for dear life to survive, some of us are so close to falling off the deep end all they need is one small event to tip over, and then we have those who lost their battle, who are gone but never forgotten, taken from us along the road to the place we are today, those the sickness quickly and carelessly took from us, and at the same time robbed the world of the most beautiful people we have ever met.
The world wasn’t ready for you yet,
Alexa
Alexa Aug 2021
Coursing through my veins twisting my reality deranged.
Increasing my paranoia and leaving my emotions changed.
He’s telling me a story but I’m too busy watching people walk by.
It’s been about a month since the last time I let myself get high.  
Darkness is slipping through the cracks and I can feel it spread.
Creating figures in the shadows and hiding the monsters under my bed.
3am on the swings, the world and time around us is standing still.
When we come down from our high well have a couple hours more to ****.
We have nowhere to go and it’s about half an infinity until the next bus.
We just vibing while we watch the world waking up around us.
~ A.S. 24-08-21 ~
Alexa Aug 2021
Saying “drugs will **** you one day” doesn't do anything but keep me popping.
I love to push my luck and see how close I can get to dying and I don’t see a point in stopping.
I believe I deserve to be foggy, on the brink of death, completely crazy and always getting lit.
I believe this must be punishment for being me and I don’t want any help. So quit trying to fix it.
I love the way my soul is aching when the rest of me give in.
I push a little further until I have one leg in the coffin.
Abandon the ship, everyone evacuate, there’s no wind in my sail.
Promise you’ll remember who I used to be when I’m dead, locked up or stuck in jail.
~ A.S. 24-08-21 ~
Alexa Aug 2021
There’s no way of knowing if we are meant to be but I just need you to know I’m yours forever.
I just know I’ve never loved anyone like this before, no one have ever understood me better.
You see me in a way no one have even tried to do in the 19 years I’ve been alive.
You keep me feeling sane and happy, and you just want to see me thrive.
I got out of a toxic relationship and I was expecting to get hurt and to be crying.
But you showed me a reason to keep fighting and a reason to keep trying.
I’m not the same as I was before and that is thanks all the things you helped me do.
And I can barely wait to stick around and spend our happier ever after with you.
~ A.S. 25-08-21 ~
Alexa Aug 2021
I’m stuck in this headspace and it’s killing me slowly.
You can see it when you ask the right question and look at me closely.
I can’t stand being sober so I’m always either high, or drunk, or faded.
I’m turning into the worst version of myself and one part loves it, one part hates it.
I’m stuck in an addiction I can’t end, these drugs are killing me and it’s clearly showing.
But the feeling of being on the brink of death and barely surviving is what keepings me going.
The pain, the panic, exhaustion, the constant high, low and then numb moments are wearing my body down.
But I keep falling back to the same things and always end with me meeting a dealer downtown.
~ A.S. 24-08-21 ~
Alexa Aug 2021
I remember the day you left because you took a piece of me with you.
I hope the new girl you have replaced me with takes care of you like I used to do.
I gave you all my love, but you never know how to answer it.
Tell me you’re just dealing with a lot of feelings and the lies you continue to spit.
I'm fading, cracking and crumbling under all your  huge expectations.
I know there’s an easy way out but I don’t want to give in to the temptations.
You used to be my hero and you would always come and save the day.
Now, no matter what I do you cause me pain and turn all of my days gray.
~A.S. 24-08-21 ~
Alexa Aug 2021
I used to live in haze and coldness, but then I met you.
You showed me a whole other life and all the beautiful things I could do.
And suddenly i could breathe again and the sun it shined so bright.
And every time the sun went down the moon lit up the night.
The girl I was before you touched my heart is not in control any longer.
And in her spot a better me started growing and I feel so much stronger.
~ A.S. 24-08-21 ~
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