When I step,
I no longer drag darkness into the light.
I let go of the pain weighing me down,
To learn how to lift myself back up.

I can barely remember the last time I felt seen by a man.
Truly seen for what I was.
Passed the partying.
Passed the thirst traps.
Passed my naked body.

I carry a depth you can't see from the surface.
I carry pain you can never quite grasp.
I carry emotions with such passion,
Love is one to name.
I carry many parts of me hidden behind a self-constructed ivory tower.
But you saw it.

Briefly.

I had never felt so exposed,
But I reveled in it.
You were everything I thought I would never find,
But you were never mine.
Just a glimmer of hope.

Don't feel so special

I've been abused,
Forcefully used,
Yet you think you can blow my fuse?
Don't feel so special.

I've hacked & sliced at my own skin,
Barely living,
So thin,
But you worry if you hurt my grin,
Don't feel so special.

You could have called me every bad name under the sun,
shot me with a gun.
But I've hurt me, more than you've ever could.
So don't feel so special.

I don't need closure,
Unless its from stitches,
Mending the pieces I've broke from myself.
But the damage you've done,
Is nothing I haven't done to myself.

So don't feel sorry.
Hold your tears of guilt upon a shelf.
They mean nothing to me,
But only for yourself.

So don't feel so special.
You are nothing but another person who dared to hurt me,
But only hurt themself.

I wish apologies were rewinds
that could go back to that place in time.
& make everything alright.

To go back to that kiss,
In your arms,
And feel blanketed in your warmth...

But instead I think back to that point in time,
Where unfortunately there is no rewind.
Forgiveness is in my heart,
But it also remembers to tread lightly.
It makes me think.

Think about you.
Think about me.
Think about the way things used to be.

I wish apologies could take it all back,
but in reality there are no rewinds.
Thankfully,
Things continuously move forward.
Even with trepedity.

For the first time,
I realize I'm breathing.
Then I wonder if it's a fluke,
Sometimes the mind is deceiving.

The pain my chest once carried,
Gone with the wind.
I fear it'll come back,
So I wait-
levels of anxiety rising within.

When I look up,
I see that the cloud is finally gone.
But I'm still in disbelief,
because it's been there all along.
I can't remember a day that it didn't rain,
Until today.
Where is the pain?

I was consumed in it,
As it was the only surefire thing in my life.
Constant.
Never fleeting.
Til today.

Good riddance.
I'll still wear my rain coat,
keep a hand on my chest,
count every breath,
but for now I'm blessed.

I don't know how I feel...
So I write to try and make some sense of it all.
There are thoughts in the back of my head that make my skin crawl.

There isn't enough words to express all I try to emote,
So instead I write to keep afloat.
I gave up self harm,
a former vehichle of self expression,
So here I am writing to stave away my depression.