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The Lioness Nov 2018
Oh no!
Here she comes again.
Mom please!
I don't want to fight.
Please stop yelling.
I didn't take your food.
I swear.

I'm not listening to this.
I walk away.
Mom!
What are you doing?
Why did you put my head through the wall.

I punch, I kick.
I fight back.
Why are you choking me?
I bite her arm.

My aunt calls the police.
Four officers break up the fight.
Why am i being cuffed.
Why isnt she going too?
I didn't do anything wrong.

The detective questions me.
I spend three days in county jail.
The district attorney finally drops the charges.
Now I have to go back to her.

Please Lord let me live.
I promise to do good.
I'll change I promise.
Please don't let me die.
This actually did happen to me when I was 15 years old. My mother was/still is emotionally,  verbally,  and physically abusive to me. Though the physical abuse has mostly stopped since I am trained in the use of firearms, baton, pepper spray, jujitsu, and defense and arrest tactics.
The Lioness Oct 2018
You tried to pull a gun on me.
I just pulled mine faster
But what you don't know is
Three days later
I put my gun to my head.
I couldn't live with the fact
That I almost pulled the trigger on you
That I was ready to stop your threat.
What you don't know is one month later
I still had nightmares
That I overdosed on pills
Hoping to never wake up.
Six months later
I still see your face
I still think of the what ifs
One year later
I still wake up screaming
Fighting your invisible threat.
One year and six months later
You voice still haunts me.
You were eager to **** be because I wore a badge and gun.

My coworkers ***** me.
Two against me.
What you two didnt see
The detectives interrogated me.
Told me I asked for it
I should have fought back
One day later the detective picks me up
I tried over dosing minutes before they came
They noticed the cuts but didn't notice
That I was falling fast
I couldn't keep my eyes open.
My speech was slurring
I walked like i was drunk
I made it through the **** kit
I got home and slept for three days straight
One month later i quit my job.
My body couldn't handle the stress
I kept dissociating.
Six months later
I still couldn't have ***.
I started learning jujitsu
I had bought a gun
One year later
I was more confident
But i still feared ***
I feared men
I still had nightmares
Two years later
I'm still managing to struggle
I still hear your voices
Still see your faces
Still feel you in my dreams
Two years and six months later
I'm more confident.
I still have difficulty with men.
But now I am well on my way to be a police officer
An EMT
I can't let you win!
Ever!
These are real events that happened in my life.
The Lioness Oct 2018
Once many years ago
I was the troubled teen
I fought abusive family
I fought police
I hated life
I just want to die
I had no plans for my future

I spent time in jail
I was on probation
My mental status was iffy
I never took my meds
I smoked ***

I'm not afraid to admit
I was ****** up
I drank to excess.
I tried to die
I'd cut my skin
Just to feel again

Then one day i got a job
I enjoyed caring for the elderly
I helped her with housework
Took her shopping and the likes
I found a guy that loved everything about me
Including the crazy.

I started my meds
Got better with time
Got licensed to carry
Became a security officer

I started liking LEOs
I wanted to be one.
I wanted to change the world.
I still plan to change the world.

I'm in school
Training to be an EMT
Going to the gym
Getting in shape
to get into the police academy.

I will change my world!
The Lioness Oct 2018
The nights grow long
The air grows cold
My mood is changing
I'm so very tired

My homework suffers
As I spend every minute I can asleep
I lose interest
I stop using my healthy coping skills

The blade it calls me
Thank god long sleeves are the norm now
I watch the blood drip
I feel the pain

I know now I'm not numb
I want to die
But courage I lack
Or is it fear that keeps me here

So instead I clean my gun
Oil my handcuffs
Polish my boots
Cause evil never sleeps

I take my pills
They kinda help
I've stopped eating
There's to much stress.

When will summer come again
I miss the happiness
I miss the manic
Will I ever find peace
The Lioness Sep 2018
I see you,
As I walk my beat.
The soul who's life as been so rough
You've turned to drugs to cope.
I see you over dosing on the corner.
I call for help as you become a pulseless, nonbreather,
I start hands only CPR.
As they dispatch help.
Please don't give up.
There's so much more to life.
I give it my all as I hear the sirens blare in the night.
But help comes to late.
I stand in shock.
I give my statement.
I finish my shift and go home to cry.

I see you,
The guy trying to **** me because I wear a badge and a gun.
Please don't make me shoot you.
I just want to go home at night.
Shoots fired, shoots fired.
He's down, I gave him five warnings,
“show me your hands.”
I didn't want to.
Really I didn't.

I see you,
The guys that ***** me.
I see you
You forced my hand.
I can't walk the streets unarmed.
You messed with my head,
And got away with it.

The nightmares come.
I see them.
I want them to stop.
I'm so numb now.
I cut myself to feel again.
I see the scars.
I cover them.
Others cannot know I'm weak.
They look up to me.

The horrors I see.
Will they ever stop?
Working in security I've seen many things. Theses are only a few that have stuck with me.
The Lioness Sep 2018
The demons rage.
The highs.
The lows.

The rage, the urge to fight.
The feeling of being a burden,
why am I still here?
Why can't I give up?

The high, its coming back,
I can't give up.
There are so many people that need my help.
I have to prove those that have hurt me
that I am so much more.

The high its going higher.
I haven't slept in days.
Why must I become the evil
That I fight.
Why do I find so much glee
in causing mayhem?
Why do I fight the very people I want to become?

Oh no, here comes the crash.
The remorse, the guilt.
I'm sorry for everything.
Please just let me die.
I fall behind in homework.
The scars grow in numbers again.
I can't, I won't fight back.
Please just leave me alone.

Some how I put on my uniform.
I strap myself into my bullet proof vest.
I buckle my duty belt.
I check my gun, my pepper spray, my handcuffs.
Knowing that if something happens,
even though I want to die,
evil cannot win.
I will fight.
I wish those weapons would fight the demons inside me.

Instead I take my pills.
I pull on my boots.
Polish my badge and name tag.
I get in my squad.
I go protect the people at my post.

The demon is back.
I'm feeling restless.
Will it ever stop?
Please!?
Help?!
These are some of the feelings i deal with

— The End —