So it begins, and how?
With fear and anxiety.
The energy that would be surging through you if you chose the path that you are thinking of, is already giving you a preview of whats to come.
Sober minded your body goes into over drive and adrenaline fills your nerves and brain and heart with static and sweat. You battle back and forth, because you know the danger and the out come. But the fight is meaningless because the Ego has chosen long before you even thought you had a choice to make.
To put it off would be like to feed a fire.
You lay down to try to overcome the intentions already giving bid with in you, without your will. Tears threaten to well in your eyes and the feeling of hopelessness and emptiness is quite prominent. You wonder to yourself how you have found yourself in the palm of something so much more powerful than yourself.
Thrashing and turning, because all positions are uncomfortable and futile, as long as you don’t give into the brat with in. The child like side of you who begs for Methamphetamine as you used to beg for candy at the grocer, knowing today may as well be the last day you could ever have it is beginning to fit within.
Your lover can not see the fight within you because he is looking at you from the outside from with in his own battle field...
The fight is beneath the skin.
You battle with right and wrong, going to pray to god, but then stopping yourself…. “Do i truly want to ask god for help with this? isn’t it a bit redundant to ask my god to save me from something i keep feeding my own flesh too.” As if The **** were a hungry animal, or perhaps its more about the addiction than a substance. Today **** is the substance, tomorrow it could be something other than that. You feed off of that which is out side yourself for satisfaction and it only brings further trauma. You can kick your feet and threaten to take sleeping pills, but your EGO wont allow a sleeping antidote today, because in this situation that could work in controlling it.
Not like in strictly emotive situations were sleep just hinders your ability to work out things with others.
No a sleeping pill could completely stop the cravings and send you into a trance of dreams about your inner issues. This is not going to be allowed. You are not in control. You have never been, but the substances Man has created have found themselves in the hand bag of the devil. And they offer item and tool for control. Like We have established. You gave up your power of decision when ever you fed into the egos beck and calls. Whispering your name and stories of pleasure and connection. A peace and happiness most human form has never known,
A jarring of the spiritual body and a quickening of death.
The mirror is beginning to look like a grave yard.
Your death is stenching the air and the clock is ticking. have you given in to the whimpering of your body and minds physical call for this drug you so enjoy in sin. Not quite yet but cracking is inevitable you know you have already chosen and any sliver of hope is falsely studied being whisked away so as not to interfere with the plan of Lucifer in this biblical story. When you announce that indeed the decision of methamphetamine is the one you chose.
(however you do not chose this, because to be driven for falseness truly is impossible. You have been lead a stray and know not truth.)
Immediately the guilt has already set in, before any actions are made on the decision your heart is calling out, is this right, to hurt my self in pleasure so temporary. Is this right, do i love my father an mother truly or have I even met them at this point. You lift yourself up off the bed and when your lover goes to follow suite
you can’t help but feel as an untrue Shepard tricking innocent sheep to follow her into the wolves den.
Would we both be fed on by the evils of this world. And if one of us is not, then is the other saved. But if one of us does, then both are doomed? Who I am to make choices lone, and am I at all.
When you lean off the bed you fall down the rabbit hole, seeing your love fall in right after you. you keep your eyes on the sky line at the top of the pit because already you are filled with remorse. You clutch your lover because already you crave their forgiveness.
Who does this demon belong to, was it yours or mine, or never either of ours.
Ridden with guilt for not only the fall of herself but eve is bothered that she is to blame for the falling of Adam. Are any of us to truly blame besides that scoundrel The Satan, and then if we blame him is it really only displacing the blame which truly should be laying on both our hearts each. Should we stow this mistake in the flesh and muscle like some prized possession or release it now before its set in.
And then If i asked for repentance and the reversal of my inertia would that prayer be granted, and if it was would i feel
blessed, or robbed.
I am reluctant to ask for help from the Most high even though i am most literally at my death bed when ever considering the life of christ. And if i can not request the light of God in fear of having a certain evil taken from me what does this make me?
You exit your house, haven of safety far away from all evil except the most irresistible, Oh Sweet Satan, or My sweet Mind, with so much potential and ideas, the power held with in my satan may very well be equal to that of the power of my Living Christ. And is this then why it is so difficult for triumph to meet me in the fields of mammon. How can I awaken My own Jesus to take the Methamphetamine to the cross along with his brother, The Satan so that for once, the evil will repent for His sins, and see in truth why suffering is coming from all of his biddings.