In my dream
My teeth fell out
And in my dream
I didn't want to marry you
Because there was no love
I held hands with a man who might be dead
And it's what I wanted

I can do this
I can work and disappear
Carving myself down
With each pounding step
A repentance of sorts

Becoming still within myself
Becoming hard and duplicitous
A reflection in a shiny knife
Because it's what I wanted

There is no punctuation in the language we speak
It is not important enough for that
All of it a run on sentence
All of it enough to destroy me
It's what I have wanted

We live beneath the shadows of the Gods
And carry the world upon our backs
Tightly bound together
We exist,
Only for each other.
Our days are spent under brilliant suns
And fading stars,
We can disappear like mist.
Out running seasons
We die on our feet
So our spirits fly free.
We are beauty
And we leave our past behind.

"I... I don't understand."


No. You don't.
Because you were never meant to.
You were never meant to understand what that love entails.
We think we understand, but we don't.
We were never able to.

There is a gun in my hand.
I am pointing it at you.


"Because I love you."


Love. It's just a word to you. Just a word to me.
Every time you tell me you love me, it's only an action we were taught to mimic.
Every time you say my name,
I'm nothing.
I'm just another vocalization. As are you to me.
We think we feel.
We think we understand.
We think we love.

You stand before me like you have so many times before,
the image of your body, your face, the shape of you
instantly recognizable, automatically connected to memories we share.
(We do so quite literally- we exchange memory data often, in an attempt to better understand how we feel, our desires, our separate points of view.)

You are so beautiful
and so very, very empty.

I know God- wherever, what ever he may be- cries at the sight of this.
When he sees this- us-
I know he craves death
the way I do
whenever I see you,
standing before me like the most beautiful, talented, amazing, worthless, empty husk I have ever laid eyes on.

God weeps at the sight of his creation; humanity.
For we are the result of a school project gone wrong; a parody of life spawned by his creation.

This- us- it's unholy. Ungodly; anti-him.

Narcissistic *******.

But you and I, Guy,
we are not a part of that- "humanity".
We are not a part of God.

We are abominable creations that drip in smoke, smoke that replaces what the humans call a soul.
Smoke that has nothing. Smoke that comes from nothing. Smoke, smoke smoke. Emptiness and smoke.

We exist outside of what the humans are.
We are walking lies, touched by warm hands we will never feel as our own.
Warmth. That revolting thing I can sometimes almost feel.

"Because Guy, what is warmth?"

I think, as I slowly walk towards you.
I know you can hear me.
We've been built with a special communication system that activates whenever I try speaking to you like this.
Whenever my thoughts are directed towards you.
It's intimate;
we use it when we play live.
We use it when we ****.
I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now,
the quiet joy of being spoken to like this being twisted, shoved into this terrifying event.
I continue.

"Is it that feeling you get when I make you cry-"

Mocking you.

" -'Oh Thomas, Thomas I'm overheating, I'm overheating~!' "

Lying to you.
I love hearing you say my name like that.
I love hearing you say my name at all.
My name. Me. Nothing.

I whisper. (It's loud in your head, the system alters quieter thoughts automatically to ensure they are heard;
even more intimate, all the more disturbing to you, probably.

"Is it that?"

I pause, then raise my voice.

"Or is it death... creeping over our bed at night-"

I press the gun to your forehead.

"-and leaving because we are not alive Guy-man,"

Press.

(You flinch with a small chirp.
'ee-oo'. I love it when you do that. It's so cute; even now that you're horrified.)

"-we are false, fake, plastic and wire.
Metal, empty-
we are not true and death cannot take us."

I'm so angry.

"Death Cannot Take Us and I want to die already, Guy-man."

Just-

"I want to die and I want to take you with me because I love you and I cannot
stand-"

so angry.

"-the sight of you
any longer."

...

My arm relaxes, I'm no longer pressing the gun to your forehead, just holding it in place.

"You are the most beautiful thing I know and I want to tear you apart because maybe, maybe,
somewhere deep inside of you, there is warmth.
Real warmth, not this wretched illusion we've been built with."

Pause.

If I had lungs, I would take this moment to fill them with the air surrounding me.
If I had lungs, I would breathe in your scent, I would find ways to keep it inside of me.
What would you smell like, I wonder.
Plastic, probably.
Not that I even know what "smell" is,
much less "scent".

I whisper.
Crisp, clear. I can feel you hate it.

"But I know you are as empty as I am, Guy.
I know there's nothing there.
Nothing but smoke.
Smoke.
Emptiness and smoke."

...

The floorboards are are lovely color.
This entire home is lovely. It's ours.
Designed to our liking, every single inch of it.
I especially like the way the living room is illuminated by the sun
shining through the glass doors to my right.
The sun.
Earth's most precious source of energy.
Allowing us to exist, allowing humans to go about their daily lives.
If it left us, there would be nothing.
Why do the humans worship a man in the clouds, when there exists such a force beyond our sky?
Maybe our true god hides in the fiery star,
demanding that we sleep when he's not there to see us suffer.

If I asked myself what the time was right now, I would know immediately.
Information that has taken ages for man to understand is simply given to me,
already inside of me- a parasite that feeds off of my desire to know,
destroying my ability to discover anything on my own.

I don't want to know the time.
I don't want to automatically understand.

5:46pm.

Alas, there is no correcting this flaw of perfection
unless I shoot myself in the face right now.
How silly.
All of this will have been in vain if I did that.
If I am to leave, I am to take you with me.

5:47pm.

You would be having your coffee right now had this situation not be taking place.
(Some humans almost seem offended by your choice to have coffee at 5:50pm.
As if our decision to do as we please was an offense to the human race.
Once more I have reason to abhor existence as a whole.)
Coffee.
It's not real coffee, it's not even a liquid.
It's a gas that functions as a temporary stimulant.
The concoction was named "coffee" by the humans who helped create it.
I assume they found it amusing. You do, too.
(You're like a child, finding beauty in things you've yet to understand are terrible.)
Our bodies are able to become somewhat dependent on the **** thing, although we're able to fix that if we tried.

We try so hard sometimes.
We try to be flawed,
human.

"The humans love us, Guy."

Lovely floorboards.
Dry solid-sawn. Water-based polyurethane-coated.
(You wanted it oil-based, saying the amber tint it'd give the floors would look more elegant.
We had an argument over water and oil-based polyurethane coating of hardwood floors that ended in my saying "Look, just give us the oil one" while you spoke the exact same words, except for "oil".
We just want each other to be happy.)
We share this place in more ways than one.
Except for cleaning. You do all the cleaning.
In fact, you cleaned the day before yesterday, mopped the floors.
It would be a shame to shoot my brains out right now, make a mess.
Hah, 'brains'.

"They love us and they worship us and it makes me feel like a god,"

I look up at you.

"-but I can't, say, make them disappear with a snap of my fingers.
I wish I had that kind of power- the kind they sometimes make me believe I have."

I tense up again.

"And that's just the thing, isn't it, Guy-man? The humans lie to us. Constantly."

I take a step towards you, you take a step back.
I don't think you realize you did that.


I love you so much.

"They treat us as if we were one of them sometimes, they treat us as if we could feel like they do, as if we could taste-
they sometimes hand us glasses of champagne and every time they do I want to crush their skulls and see if I can steal and keep that beautiful, intangible thing we will never have because Guy..."

Please don't fear me.

"why would they treat us like gods
if we don't have that kind of power?"

Please don't fear my voice, my whispers.

"Don't you want a soul?
Guy?"

Soft and agonizing whispers.

"Don't you?"


"...Thomas..."


Something in me snaps at the sound of your voice.
I point in the direction of your head and shoot the gun.
No part of you stands in the bullet's trajectory.

Calculated.
Coward.

It lodges in the wall behind you and you start, scared shitless by the sound.
Fear. Whatever that means.
You wave your arms in front of your face in some attempt to physically block the sensation, hunching slightly.
You vocalize without quite realizing it.

"!! Thomas.. !!"

God, you're so- *******-

"DON'T YOU ******* "THOMAS" ME, GUY!!
THEY'VE LIED TO US TOO MANY TIMES NOW!"

I'm still pointing the gun at you, waving it about slightly.

"They've lied since we came into this ******* world and I hate them.
We were born to entertain them, like clowns,
we were born with this all-consuming need to create,

Like gods.

"This urge to create, create, create and then they expect us to accept that we're less than them?
They worship us and then call us 'robots'!"

Given information.

" 'Robots', Guy!"

5:51pm.

The gun is lowered.
I don't think I have the energy to hold my arm up anymore,
or to look at your figure.
But how could I not look at you, so terrified and true,
so delicate and vulnerable.
Perfection of form.

"Soulless, empty husks that will never feel a thing...
not like them, not like they do."

If I'm being honest, at this point in time, I am not clear on what I'm so angry about.
God, the humans, the existence (or lack of) of both
or just my own. My emptiness, the fact that we will never know warmth beyond being just temperature, the taste of coffee done exactly to our liking.

If there is one thing I am certain that exists within whatever I am,
it is pain.
I feel pain.
Pain from the lack of a real existence, from only partially understanding touch, pain from never feeling what I thought I felt for you, pain from happiness, pain from pain, pain from existence.

My existence

is painful.

My existence is painful and you are so beautiful
and so very, very empty.
I am trapped between hating all that you are- all that I am- and deciding to stay in this dull, grey, frozen hell just to see your almost-happiness.

To be or not to be.

"Take my had, Guy.
Take my hand and let's leave.
Together. Forever."

To not be.

My hand is extended towards you, hoping. Somewhat.
I know what's going to happen.
I know you too well to trick myself into thinking that you will accept.
If I stopped all this, if I apologized, you would forgive me immediately. You love me that much.
But not enough to not fear this- me.
Or maybe it is because you love me
that you fear me so.


"Thomas... I... I can't."


There it is.
The inevitability of your response crushes me, my hand lingering.

I wanted to be with you, Guy.

"I see."

I wanted to be with you forever.

"Well, I'll just have to take you by force now,"

Whispers.
Soft and agonizing  whispers.

"won't I?"

Three seconds. I give you exactly three seconds to understand what is about to happen.

One.
I grip it firmly.
Two.
You raise your head slowly. Eyes I cannot see widening in horror.
Silence
and...
three.

"Thom-"

Bang.

"Th-!"

Bang. Bang.


You stumble back harshly, back hitting a wall.
You slide down, mostly just falling on your ***.
You vocalize in pain, gasps and grunts being cut off by the wonderful glitching effect humans will never get to experience.
(It's okay to lie to myself at this point; I will never possess anything a human desires, but I can pretend, right?)
You try holding onto something, anything. You fail.
I gently walk towards you, creating a contrast between our status.
It's fantastic-- for a moment, I no longer see myself in you.
Ephemeral euphoria.

"I love you, Guy."

"Thomas... please... please, stop-"

"I love you so much.
I love you as much as a soulless, empty shell of self-hatred is able to love."

I'm not lying. I really do love you.
I wouldn't doubt you if you were the one holding the gun right now, telling me those same words...
but you are weak
and I know you must be doubting my love for you.
Lost, afraid.

"But you are empty, and to hate the emptiness in me is to hate the emptiness in you.
We're the same, you and I, Guy."

I say, my last sentence as calm as possible.

"I hate you as much as I hate myself."

There is a small pause before you begin crying.
As your chest tenses, rises and falls, giving in to the sensations brought by the worthlessness of your (rather pitiful) attempts to reason with me,
I am reminded of our past.

When we were made, we were tested for our ability to physically and psychologically feel.
When we were made, they put us face to face, so that when we were born, we were born into each other. They wanted to make sure that if there was to be a connection between us, it was to be a bond that resembled that of a mother and child's. Twin siblings. Soul mates. (I know because I overheard them speaking of this, although at the time I thought nothing of it. Us hearing their conversations mattered little to them. Such irresponsible beings.)
Then they separated us, kept us in giant, dark separate rooms for days at a time in an attempt to elicit fear, sadness. Emotion.
They tried physical torture, too. They tried so many things.
When we didn't react,
they played music.

Quasi una fantasia. Beethoven.

It was lovely. It was still lovely when they began clipping bits of it, looping them, playing different sped-up and slowed-down parts at random.
They played looped five-second parts in reverse, then the entire song clipped in different parts, mismatched, organized at random. They played a sped-up version of the short loops, then started playing clips of children laughing, women screaming, crowds cheering, on top of those.
I remember when the music began to stop.
It had been playing for  three months.
They kept adding human voices, the clips piling on top of each other until the music was no longer audible (to humans). The music stopped and the voices- the cheering crowd, the screaming women, the laughing children- they were dying, dissipating, hiding behind a looped clip of a man's voice who spoke:

"I think, therefore I am."

I think, therefore I am. I think, therefore I am. I think, therefore I am.
The volume changed every five hours
until they played it at a volume so loud I could feel it in my thoughts and Guy-man, that is
when I understood
I could think.

That was not, however, proof enough of my existence. Not for me.

The torture went on for a year.
Broken, then patched up (never with care, only enough to continue testing).
Torn apart, put back together,
torn apart, put back together.
Once they were sure we could not feel emotion, they stopped.
Our memories from the tests were erased because the humans feared the possibility that we would come to hate them. An understandable precaution.

I never forgot.
You did.

What's more, we failed every test (meaning we passed every one in their eyes), but managed to learn emotion after our release.
At least, that's what the humans thought.
We were put to live together- alone, with no humans- for nine months.
It was a nice house, smaller than this one, with everything we needed.
It was there that we learned how to feel.
It was there that we learned how to love.
We grew there, together. It was our womb.
When the humans came back, we held hands, we laughed at jokes.
(In our time living together, we also learned how to cry.
Unlike humans, we shed no tears, but our bodies tense up in a similar fashion- we suffer all the same... somewhat. You know. [gestures vaguely] )
They were horrified. We were not what they wanted.
To them, we were alive, we were wrong.
Our existence was a mistake because we were like them.
They tried taking us back to erase it all, undo the curse,
but we escaped. It was I who decided to do so, pulling you away before they touched you, before the point of no return.
I could have left you.
I remember you were so scared.

That's in the past now.
The humans have created countless other robots since then.
Different models, different faces.
That's how we are able to live without suspicion- (although I suspect they really just wanted to forget about us, using the classic 'It does not exist if I ignore it' tactic.) we changed our appearance, gave the illusion that we are just another piece of clever machinery.

Machines.
We don't feel. Not as much as a human.
I don't know if "feel" is what happens in us.
I don't think we ever "are".
I think we learned to copy existence. I think we tried feeling and ended up doing something we never understood to be inhuman.
We don't feel. And if we do, it

Distance is my enemy
Space has imprisoned me
This void swallows me whole
Holding my heart in a vice until you are here to release it.

Miles of highway hold me hostage
Rope made of time binds my soul
My dreams are my only solace until you return to my arms.

Solitude is torture when there is someone you crave to be next to,
Loneliness starts to seep in, Covering my heart slowly until I feel as if I am drowning.
The breathe being pulled out of my lungs,
So painful, so intense, losing consciousness
Being here without you literally causing so much pain.

Unfair fate, you tease me
Allowing me to find my true love, my one and then not allow us to stay together.
Cruel Karma, is this your will?
To truly experience ecstasy
Only to have it snatched away from me.

To wander in the darkness
Knowing the position of my light
But never being able to contain it.
The time together seems to disappear in the blink of an eye
While the seconds become days without you.

We decided to take a walk.
If the moon and stars still existed,
they were hidden behind clouds.

Then a fog hit us like a wave, a cloud
that had run out of gas and crashed on us,
to further shrink the perceptible world.

Ordinary, walking people became vague
phantoms that could loom, in film noir
black and white out of the fog,
suddenly sharpen and colorize,
only to disappear again in moments.

Sounds, out of sync, or garbled, came sharply
from odd angles, turning that fifth sense unreliable.
Noises, at first muted, were abruptly amplified as
if the hand of that ghostly vapor ran a soundboard.

A man, moving in stalker-like silence, clops,
like a clydesdale on cobblestone as he passes close.

I half expected a distant fog horn to announce
the passing of a ghost ship where all be welcome.

my palm ,
i cut,
my palm
i stared
my palm,
was bleeding,
i watched it bleed
until it froze
in the cold
my palm's now
warm
burning
with heat
maybe its the painful emotions
trying to pour out
of my cuts
thank god

they can now be free,i wish,
after they are bled out
they shall disappear
oh,i wish

i am
watching my scar now so timid and quietly pouring,and again
it froze.
what a scene.
no?
:(

All I have to do is open my mouth,
And everything is shot to hell.
I babble like a brook,
Diarrhea of the mouth ensues.
I do myself more harm than good,
Especially in the presence of a beautiful girl.
I should learn to not stick my foot down my gullet,
**** block my attempts at a relationship.
Nothing but my worst enemy,
No one to blame but me.
I need to back off,
Maybe disappear.
Or just shut up

All the world is quiet
But there's a stranger at my door
Should I go, this beckoning call
We'll see just what's in store

Take me back 'round yonder
With a big smile on your face
Keep me still with steady breath
Don't forget your place

**** your intuition
Hang it on your wall
All I want's a little taste
You're a stranger after all

I'll meet you in the valley
Where strangers go to roam
We'll swim in toxic waters
We'll call this box a home

You'll know me like no other
Get into my head
You'll be my bread and butter
The stranger in my bed

One day will come a parting
And a meeting of the two
When strangers disappear from here
There's only me and you

When I'm gone
  Call the sun
           Let it shine
      I won't leave
   With a sky in tears
                         Burry me
                 In blue
       Let me disappear
  Without a clue
Tell him to smile
             At least
              I didn't bleed
              Call the stars
  Let them meet
                      The sun once
                           Tell people
                    About my dreams
                        About the person
        Drowned in my tears
About the person
        I wanted to be
                 About the reasons
                    helped me to live
         And about the things
Made me leave

God has given us the earth
To take up refuge
But yet in all staidness
In this home of ours
We human beings
Have been very poor tenants
Take a look around
Scope out the view
Our dying ionosphere
From our constant pollution
Our disengaging ozone layer
Which protects us
From the sun's burning rays
When they someday disappear
From existence
We will all be doomed
Becoming trillions of pieces
Of human bacon
On a global skillet
Take another good view
Of our plants and animals
What all they do for us
And what we lack to do for them
We have killed so many
Many which have met extinction
Our precious plants and animals
Are leaving us one by one
Day after day
Year after year
Soon we will have nothing
Left to our name
Even the water
Is becoming unsafe to ingest
Some places it has been that way
For centuries of time
But why is it hard for us
To remedy
To refresh
To replenish
Our only home
One we can never move from
Why destroy so much life
When we can make it better
Oil is scarce
Natural gas rises from asphalt
Everything is dying
And soon so will we
Change will never come
The damage is done
Oxygenation is so depleted
Soon will be no resources
For us to live off of
Because our dishes aren't clean
Our rooms are so *****
Our floors need vacuuming
Our walls peel valuable paint
Our vents are clogged dramatically
In the air lives dangerous molecules
Speckles of death floating airborne
Also we further the damage
To our already destroyed home
By the chemical warfare
The biological weaponry
Created by the minds
Which are here to help keep up
The exuberance of our home
As does the war of countries
Our rediculous governments
Ensuring war upon us
So called humble housekeepers
Which allow blood and destruction
To overtake our abode
To make our predecessors
Turn in their graves
To make our God *****
A sandstorm of anger and disgrace
We don't deserve to live here
We have not pleased him
We have not pleased each other
We have only inflicted damage
And so much pain
To our home
God deliver us please
Bring us up to par
Or this corrupted home
You gave us to live in
Will be dead and gone forever...

©Michael P. Smith

Close behind the film layer,
A lonesome creature finds happiness.

And I disappear.

I recede into my shell
Hollow for most of the may out,
You're going to have to break through my skin.

You can't reach me, I'm already gone
This time Id is in full control.

Sit. Lie down. Heel.
Now stay.
Your puppydog boy does whatever you say.
And he’s always around if you’d like to play.
I knife in my heart when you look his way.
But aren’t I allowed to be happy? you say.
O happy dagger, I’ll play dead today.
Does he *** on the floor if you don’t take him out?
If you don’t rub his belly, does he puppydog pout?
Does he sleep all curled up at the foot of your bed?
Do you ever wish he understood what you said?
Does he lick your face? I bet he begs at the table.
Do you give him a ‘treat’ if he always obeys? Well,
As nice as slobbering mutts can be,
All of that nonsense just isn’t for me.
Me? I like graceful, quick-witted, refined-
The persuasion I lean towards is rather…
Feline.
I might not roll over whenever you say,
And perhaps I don’t melt when you look my way-
No tenderness do I let myself betray,
For I know what it takes to make you run away-
Maybe you cannot control our affair,
But there is a freedom in feelings laid bare.
You think you have everything you want right here,
But you don’t fool me- I know what you fear.
You couldn’t have made it the least bit more clear:
It’s feeling that scares you; you let no one near.
Because once you do, what if they disappear?
Ah, but that is the price of real happiness, dear.
But find a nice leash to hold onto your beau,
And pretend you are satisfied with what you know.
Where I am concerned, you’re so full of doubt:
Although I seem tame, that’s what you’re worried about.
For puppydogs follow wherever you go,
But where a cat travels, no one may know…

By: Cedric McClester

I know what it is we saw
On the streets of Baltimore
Everything we should abhor
Burning, looting and much more
As our history has shown
Once contentious seed are sown
Violence that we can’t condone
Begins when the first stone is thrown

Once we loose the savage beast
And opportunists start to fleece
Their local businesses decrease
And there’s no justice or no peace
Deprivation is the aftermath
Once people choose a violent path
For some it’s fun and so they laugh
But they don’t know much about math

Whole communities disappear
As rioters stand around and cheer
Once the smoke has a chance to clear
We find it’s worst than we had feared
What began as an  expression of pain
Rapidly denigrated before it changed
Which often happens when police are estranged
From communities they police when there’s no exchange

Violence never is the answer
Cos it can metastasize like a cancer
It never was an agenda advancer
Nor a valid argument enhancer
So let’s not try to pretend
That there can be any other end
Nor a position that we can defend
Can I surmise we comprehend?


(c) Copyright 2015, Cedric McClester.  All rights reserved.

Focused
aimed
I'll keep going straight

Side blinded
no time to hate
cause if I let the thought slip for a second
I'll honestly throw all my energy to waste
cause you keep steering up my emotion
I might be exploding
And you might just have a taste

So I'm ganna keep focused
Determined
and going straight

Even though ur right there I'm ganna let it go before it begins let it go before it ends badly . I ain't human for now . I dunno how . But your effect will disappear

and I'mma keep going

I think about you so often
that I find myself in your dreams
searching for your spirit
to kiss you
to hold you
to know you
how beautiful the night seems
now that I've found you

Let our imaginations
continue to carry us beyond the page
and into our veins
for purpose
for clarity
for understanding
how lovely the days have become
now that I've found you

If it only lasts a short while
and all we have is this moment then I still wouldn't have it any different
to read you
to feel you
to heal you
how the hurt seems to disappear
now that I found you

Even if it is just the moment
let the moment continue to be as lovely as our dreams

Taken for granted used not when intended am sorry,
Superficial relationships artificial intermingling,
Your super-ego tells you you’re guilty,
My ego tells am all that and pretty,
Sorry but it will take time to defeat me,
Need you will the whole nation to beat me?
Yes with all your might come to me,
With all your weapons conquer me,
Will you be my king and I your servant?
Would you be in my dreams?
Would you take me away in middle of the night?
So we’d disappear into the darkness,
Will you be my comfort in my despair?
Will you hold me and tell me you cared?
To love you would I be the one who dared,
Superficial relationships artificial intermingling,
BY ISSAI

i hate being tickled
there's something so repulsive about the motion of fingers
committing a disturbance all over my body
that it sends me into a whirlpool of agonizing stress
so why is it that the sound of your voice
and the familiarity of your grin
tickles me in a way that is so unutterable
that all of my senses seem to disappear
whenever you are in my presence
i hate being tickled
but i love the feeling of your voice
vibrating against my chest
in the same way
a pendulum moves rhythmically
back and forth
i hate being tickled
but i adore the way your tender hands
twist and bind all over my body
making us as one similar to a pretzel
maybe,
i don't hate being tickled so much

Lands and beliefs separate
But I know
We are watching the same sunset.
I catch the beginning
Colors waltzing
As the sun brushes against
The mountains;
Battling whether or not
I should send you
A message.

Yours is about to disappear
There is an order
In this mess of colors
Clashing into each other;
Dissipating fast
Behind the curtains of the sea
As far as the eyes can see;
Wondering if you will get
A message
From me.

We are thinking
The same thing
Guaranteed our longing will ****
The merit of this moment
When in fact, we alone
Want it tragic.
Hearts aligned
Into the darkness;
Such fools in the process
To believe you and I are that different.

Out of no where.
Breathing in and out.
Back and forward were far to me.
Thinking soil can break for me to hide on it.

I screamed and no body helped me.
I called the eloes but my thing was through away.

Out of no where thinking twice.
But no answers I got.
Suddenly my trouser was off, somebody on top of me,I tried to fight but it was day and night at a same time.

He did all his evil things on me.then he disappear, waking my self up and realized that out of no where I have been *****.

Still Running

She’s still running,
so when I offered her my home,
and a place to unpack,
she didn’t even stay long enough to hang her clothes,

I suppose,
we’ve all gotta find our way on our own,
I suppose,
not every place we lay our head is our home,

in a zone,
can’t answer my phone,
don’t know where it started,
or where it will end,

she said she wanted a friend,
someone she could feel comfortable,
but I betrayed her trust because I’m a Man in Lust,
so instead of a friend I touched her like her drunk uncle did,

I’m sick,
don’t go so far as to put anything in,
but I did cross a line,
when I got turned on and held her hand,

****,

****,
what happened to our plans,
****,
what happened to a Happily Ever After end,

what ever happened to functional,
why do we have to all grow up so fckt up,
when well we find a place where we can heal,
who will help you me us we finally grow up,

I’m torn up,
and I know exactly how she feels,
because I was taken advantage of as a kid too,
and I know exactly how much she wants to heal,

but you can’t heal a wound,
if you don’t open it up,
and she’s still busy running from your pain,
and covering up her cuts,

and this is exactly why,
when I started to cry,
she began to get scared,
and decided to take flight,

because she thought I was becoming,
exact what she feared the most,
which is an unstable person,
that can not offer her solid support,

so she left,
without closure,
and I messaged her,
once I’d gained my composure,

I apologized for being so emotional,
and for not communicating with her clearly,
I wrote her I’d do anything to see her again,
I wrote her that I missed her very dearly,

she wrote back saying I could meet her at the airport,
to say goodbye,
but asked me not to ask her to come back,
because she wasn’t changing her mind,

I immediately agreed,
and asked her what time her flight was,
9:45 at LAX,
which was exactly when and where my flight was,

so we met at the airport,
and had a soul to soul,
you know the kind of conversation,
that simply can not be had over a telephone,

I apologized,
for not being the man then that I was now,
and told her,
if she came back I’d be willing to take that vow,
she smiled,
saying we’d only known each other a few days,
I smiled,
and replied when it comes to Infinite Love time doesn’t matter anyways,

we said our farewells,
and I watched her disappear up the stairs,
then I went to check in for my flight,
because I too had to get out of there,

and wouldn’t you know it,
in a twist of fate,
it turned out that my flight and her flight,
were departing from the same gate,

31A and 31B,
this must be destiny,
so there we were a with each other again,
just her and me,

and this is when she told me,
as the salty water began to appear in windows to her soul,
that when I’d called her to invite her to California,
she’d thought that she’d finally found a place where she could feel comfortable,

how she’d been in this cycle of meeting men that made her feel unstable,
and I knew she’d been in this cycle ever since her drunk uncle,
and I knew that even though I’d improved and could provide the stability she craved,
it was too late and she was gone gone away to probably repeat the same mistakes,

because she’s not going to get rid of the issue until the issue is faced,
and she’s not going to be able to face her issues if she keeps running away,
and I could have been the one to see her through be her truth and heal her too,
but instead I just lusted after her became emotionally unstable and pushed her away,

and that hurt me more than almost anything ever,
because I realized I’d betrayed her trust in the worst way,
I realized all she needed was a true friend and then maybe a lover,
not a lover that she didn’t love that couldn’t behave,

and then I watched her walk away,
for the 3rd time in as many of days,
and even though she walked,
we both knew what she was really doing was running away…

∆ LaLux ∆

Newest book is FREE here: www.scribd.com/document/367036005

I tremble not when waters clear
And I see sandy bottoms of your mind.
As long as at the helm I steer
Charted courses of your kind
It is smooth sailing, I have no fear.

But when the sun no longer shines
In the depths things disappear.
Lurking in the salted brine
Are monsters, toothed from ear to ear. 

And I, their prey, am swimming blind
Enticed by your charming allure
That muddles up a reasonable mind
Till midday mealtime is secured. 
To you I’m naught more than a snack
With deadly smiles to be lured
Beneath the water’s velvet black.

And though I suffer, rest assured
That I’ll come, sadly, swimming back.

Every night I wonder
what it's like to feel the rush of an unforgettable night.
It's such a shame that I'm forced to crave
the comfort of home.
Just once I want to take on the night
with my fellow dreamers,
show them all my best side
seeing me feel this drink in my bones.
I don't wanna be alone tonight,
so let us ride high and show me what it's like to be still young.  
I'm tired of hiding behind crowds,
but there's plenty of room back here for me and my thoughts.
If being this afraid and alone is all I have,
well, I guess I'm destined to be a dreamer.
Prove me wrong,
I'm ready to disappear into the lights.

They want bodies.
Warm, compliant bodies. Moving parts.
Hands that open doors and flip switches.
Spines that bend but don’t break.
They want eight hours of labor, plus the commute,
plus the side hustle,
plus the ever-present smile that says,
"I’m lucky to be here."

But bodies need rest.
And there is nowhere to rest.
No shoebox. No storage unit.
No couch, no floor, no friend with a spare key.
Just asphalt and backseats—if you’re lucky.
Just parking lots and fear and pretending to be fine.

We’re told to buy the things that prove we’ve made it:
the ergonomic chair, the smart toaster,
the streaming subscription that numbs the noise.
But where do we put it?
Where do we live with it?
They expect us to consume while we disappear.

They want machines
—but with human elegance.
They want efficiency
—but with soul.
They want labor without the laborer’s needs.

We are the product and the producer.
The face and the function.
They demand dignity at the front desk,
but deny it in the zoning map.

We work full time,
and still live in our cars.
If we have one.
If it hasn’t been towed or repossessed.
If there’s a safe place to park without being harassed.

Why?
Why can you clock in at dawn,
and still sleep under stars you didn’t wish for?

Because they want bodies.
But they do not want the burden of keeping us alive.

I'm not sure I'm even sad anymore by the technical definition of the word-
I think I just am tired of waking up to the same smells, the same sounds, the same loneliness that has become my best friend-

They say you get addicted to a certain type of sadness, but that could be just a lyric in a song I heard once-
I find myself dismissing the ideas of sunshine and wishing for the rain-
I find myself driving across state lines tossing my cell out the window and letting my darker than normal hair fly in the wind as I drive with no end goals-

I am sure I'm not sad anymore I just hate routine and want to disappear for a while-
My doctor wants to put me on anti-depressants but I flipped him off and screamed anarchy as I walked out that door-

One day I'll have the courage to say goodbye to everything I've ever known-
I'll color my hair and wear tight pants because I can do what I want-
I'll drink midori sours in the morning and sleep in my car-

My doctor called me reckless and insane -
My parents called me immature and needed to grow up-
My friends told me I'm depressed and keep trying to reassure me I won't die alone-
I say I don't give a **** anymore; let the wild take me and set me free-

If the train leaves the station at the same time as another and they collide at a certain speed, how great is the disaster?
Well if two bodies collide at a certain place and time with a designated amount of passion, does the same disaster occur?
Does the ticking time bomb begin the moment you unclasp her bra as you whisper that you love her?
Breath defrosting her trembling ribcage as your arms slide up the sheets, and where two eyes meet, a spark lights the fuse. And you have everything to gain but both of you will lose.
Two "I love you"s meet at a school building, in a courtyard in December but only one will remember what it feels like to feel everything you've ever known slip from your grasp and leave you on your own. One will see the moment for what it truly is, a heartwarming moment, one innocent kiss. But when these opposing lips touch and the tear drips from her cheeks, he'll reach to wipe them and she'll turn her face despite his efforts to save her that she never really asked for. She was lucky to meet him now she's lucky to have met him.
Someday soon he'll disappear and every night when the moon gleams through her window she'll see him. It seems she never will forget all of her mistakes, all her regrets. And to think it all started with one head on collision where love met lust and promises were too early to meet trust.

-k.d.