As you grow older you are suppose to find yourself

I have lost sanity
Lost my mind
Lost my dignity
Lost my faith
Lost myself

New beginnings are hoped for
You have nobody to blame but yourself for closing that door
You are back to where you wish you would never return
The one in which you are supposed to be strong and firm

Emotion is a weakness
Weakness is something you don't show
Or it will bring you back to that low
Stop yourself before it goes too far
Don't let your emotions crash like a car
Weak is something you are not
Don't let your emotions run hot
Numb is what you become

*Sanity lost

Sometimes I lie awake at night and imagine
oozing blood from the inside out
more peaceful than I have ever felt
lying there
dripping from every possible crevice
feeling it seep beneath
absorbing the fabric underneath me
like lighting a paper on fire, burning up all at once, evaporating into thin ashes, until it becomes
nothing.

It's been a long time coming
I have made it this far
My life has hit a point of numbing
I hit a bar
I can feel it slipping away
Control is lost
I tell myself not to fray
Because in life you are your own boss
Only you can fire the people in it
You do have control
Every opportunity that comes you can hit
Even if it's not a grand slam you can still say you swung
Because the effort is better than the regret
You're life will not be taken form you like a smokers lung
So let's make ourselves a bet
Never live life out of fear
Because you'll end up being the one to shed a tear

Dark Coffee for my dark day
Dark Coffee for my dark soul
Dark Coffee for my dark heart
Dark Coffee for the dark Pollutants that surround us
Dark Coffee for the dark Media that swarms us
Dark Coffee For the dark Mind
Dark Coffee for your dark Energy
Dark Coffee for your dark Words
Dark Coffee for your dark Eyes

When we were all little we had the innocence
The innocence of not knowing right form wrong
The innocence of getting away with it
The innocence from society

Today, we all do what is socially acceptable
Most of us wish we could back to our innocence
Forget all the experience we have and everything we have been taught
Simpler times

When I was little I never cared what others thought of me
I never cared about what I looked like
I never cared about what society thought I should be

When we grow older we are trained to listen to society
Abide by societies rules
We learn what is and is not socially acceptable

This is when we get eaten alive
This when I get eaten alive

I never had a confidence problem when I was younger
I never relied on a guy for my happiness
I never let them dictate who I was or what I should look like

When I was younger I never did this
Today, I do and so do many other girls
Our confidence is easily damaged by a guy in our life

I promised myself I would never abide by their standards
I would never do it again
I would never damage myself or my body again

We all know this is never true

You change because you are fed up with yourself
You change because you are sick of the choices you have made
But have you ever had something change you?
Someone give you a reason for that change?
That the person that you thought could be the glacier in your dessert is actually the volcano of your island
Every picture you have painted
Every fantasy you have thought up
Shattered
Because their first act was their last act and it was your choice to close the curtain

Do you remember me....
Does the image of the fear in my eyes stick in your head?
Does the sound of my sobs still echo through your bed?
Does the feeling of my lifeless body against yours still make you tingle?
Does it make you happy you're the reason I'm single?
Now let me ask again, **do you remember me?

Drink
After drink
After drink
He gave more without asking
I wasn't paying so what did I care

Drink
After drink
After drink
He took me home
To his home that is

Tried
Dizzy
Numb
I could feel it
It hit

Lay down just for a little bit
Ten minutes
Twenty minutes
How did I end up in his bed?

I want to sleep
I'm safe I know him
Silent without a peep
He likes me I know it
I can trust him I've known him for years
It was only a few beers

Stop
It's not what I want
Different I was wrong
You were worse than him

I no longer feel safe
I can't move
Too many drinks
I don't want this

We were suppose to be something
Move slow
You were my friend
My dignity was at the end

You took it from me
My thoughts won't let me be
I know I should blame you
But I was dumb enough to think what we had was true

I miss the touch of your skin
The way your body would brush up against me when I would cave in
The warmth of your body against mine
No other feeling was as divine
And as I write this tears flow down my eyes
I know I should not miss you because of all the lies
But there is no better feeling of euphoria then when you touch me
What I would give to have you think we are still meant to be
Our love was as fast a nascar racing on the tracks
Like the way you used to trace your fingers up and down my back
I can still feel the gentleness of your touch
Every time I think about it I still get a rush
For what I gave you of mine is still yours
You can take it down with you all the way to the morgue

Everything comes back to your hometown
You go to college looking for a fresh start
But you know everything about you still gets around
In college who do you go to first, your high school friends
Go to college in the same state
And nothing ever ends
You stay where you are comfortable
Because in an environment with strangers you look for the familiar faces
Seeing a piece of home in crowd places
A sense of relief over flows
You don't need to stress to impress them
They have seen you at your low
Unlike these strangers that surround you
Soon enough you'll feel like you're living in a zoo
And the first person you will turn to will be from your hometown
The last person you'll end up with will be from your hometown
The person you will be with forever will be from your hometown

I was dumb
Now I am numb
Dumb enough to let you in
Numb because I can no longer find a reason to grin
I no longer take blame
For what you did to me I hope you live a life of shame
Everything you said was a lie
I will hate myself for believing 'till the day I die
Closure is something every girl needs
Instead you left me to bleed
Bleed out until there is nothing left of me
You got a new girl soon to be
Let me go until there is no more blood
My emotions will no longer flood
Lifeless I'll be
Lifeless I am

You taught me how to love and for that I'm thankful
You taught me how to fall out of love
You taught me what a love shouldn't be like
You taught how I wanted be treated
Even if it meant stripping me of my dignity
You taught me how I wanted to be loved
Even if it is in the least loving way
You taught me what I deserved
Even if it takes years to realize

I always told myself I wanted to fall in love
That the heartbreak would be worth it
It wasn't.
I wish I could've stayed naive
Still believe in true love and a fatal attraction
But I don't
He pushed me over the edge
One more time and I would become that heartless ***** everyone knew was somewhere inside of me
The kindhearted girl everyone once knew is gone
Being told too many times she was easy to control and walk all over she now believes it
Meaningless *** is more appealing and comes easy with the numbness
Because love does not exist and that fatal attraction is just lust you feel

I promised this time I wouldn't let it get to me
I promised the second time I would be stronger
I wouldn't let him win
The second time
I broke

The second time I couldn't tell anyone
I couldn't let myself ruin my best friends last run
She was in love
A feeling I would never take away from anyone
A feeling I envy
A feeling I fear I could never feel after him

The second time I didn't blame myself
This time I looked out for my health
This time it didn't matter
This time toxins werent involved
This time it was all him

The second time was not easier
The second time broke my interior
The second time broke my exterior
The second time I let him win

The second time will be the last time






*I hope

I have grown up in the same house most of my life
15 years ago I stood on the pavement of my driveway
Learning how to hula hoop for the first time
Meeting my next door neighbors

15 years later I stand on the pavement looking down
I can't help but think how much it saw
How many people have walked on it
Friends, family, acquaintances, random handymen, or FedEx people

I wonder how many heartbreaks its seen
How many tears have been shed
How many skinned knees have happened

Today I stood on the pavement and wondered how many more heartbreaks
people
tears
skinned knees it has left to see

How many more years this pavement would have with me
With my family

I stood on this pavement wondering how the time was ticking
How this pavement has maybe 5 years left with me

*With the footsteps of my family.

I remember the day my dignity was lost
Not by choice but taken
The air was dewy and the grass was layered with frost
I recalled every word he said and was shaken
I walked through campus looking like a freakshow for everyone to see
I felt the blood trickling down me
For years we were friends
I thought I could trust him till the end
I remember gaining my conscious back
He whispered, "shh, it's okay I'm almost done"
After those words the silence lacked
With my tears drowning out his "fun"