Yes, I can stay here just like this,
And keep doing this to myself over and over, forever.
Eventually my mind will break.
Eventually I'll lose it and I can stop loving you like this.
Every single word that burns my ears leaves them ringing,
Because each time you do,
I know that's the last time I'll hear it.
Eventually I'll be deaf.  
Then I will stop hearing your song.
Then I can stop loving you like this.
Eventually I'll learn to associate your name with pain,
So that I flinch back at it,
So that I'm scared to come around,
All that will be left is a rainbow over a dead, burnt, empty field, amidst a gray sky,
And I'll wonder why it continues to shine it's colors in the darkness,
So deep light cannot escape it,
Then you will not reach me,
Then I can stop loving you like this.

91 .
Quite a time.
Should I continue?
I love you so much.
Surely you know.
But what to say now...
I'm talking to myself.
I know not if you're there.
Maybe I'm not enough.
Probably.
I never was.
It would explain
Why I've always been alone.

Maybe at 100 it will cease.
Maybe you don't need me.
Nobody has.
Maybe I tried to hard.
Maybe you've grown weary.
Maybe I'm just a bother.
Most would say.
Maybe I shouldn't have loved you.
Maybe I followed the wrong path.
Maybe my punishment for my sins,
Maybe, is losing you.
For that, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to cost you.
Maybe I was wrong.
You were always right.
I'm so sorry.

May my soul reach out and hold your hand?
May the other be placed on your cheek as I look in your eyes?
How much would you permit me to love you?

You will speak of how you're loving yourself,
And how you hate me.
I will speak of how I loved you,
And how I'll always hate myself.
You will speak of how I took everything from you,
I'll explain how hard I tried never to take anything from you.
You will speak of how there's so many men who are better and will give you the world,
I'll accept that I'm not the best, and all I owned was this one room in this building in this city in this country in this world.
There will have been so many who owned everything I didn't,
And they could spoil you with their wealth,
Yet even amongst my poverty,
I was always willing to give everything I had to you.
And although I knew it wasn't enough to fix  everything,
I wished it would've counted as much as it cost me.
You will speak of how I was nothing and you're better off now.
I will speak of how you were everything and I wish you had stayed.

I am finally calm.
I am happy,
Awaiting your next reply,
Awaiting to receive your love.

And I can finally accept the situation.
What is to come is to come.
Not you nor I can change that.

I love you.
Wether you make it through a stronger person,
Or I must say goodbye for a time,
It does not change the truth.

The truth that you are the only one for me,
That I will not seek another,
That you were the one I chose to give my life to,
And that it is true now and forever.

It will greatly sadden me to see you go,
Shall the time come now.
But I promise not to disappoint you.
I will become one truly worthy of you.

Shall The Lord permit us another day,
Then I promise we will have our time,
And live it to the fullest,
And not have one single regret.

All this because I love you.
You are my purpose for life.
You are my direction and my guide.
Be with me or above me, I love you.

You're ******* me up,
And tearing me down.
You throw me around,
So I might spare the whole town.
But I don't give a ****
About the ones with a frown.
I'll only spare the ones
Bestowed with the crown.
But you can't make this crown
For the ones with a frown,
Because the ones in this town,
They are solely unsound,
And can't turn it upside down,
To sprout life from the ground.
Not for you, not for me,
You'll eventually see.

And what happens here,
When you turn them all loose?
They all run wild,
Like a lonely stray goose.
But, you see, when you pull out
The notorious noose,
Stability and order,
Is all they dare to produce.
They just can't turn away,
From the hatred and dismay,
They can't sort out the disarray,
Without rules in play,
And as humans of clay,
They'll slowly decay,
And no matter how much you plea,
They'll drown in their own sea.

They lust and they ****,
And they fornicate.
They deceive and they lie,
And obey with closed eyes.
They **** and destroy,
With the men they deploy.
And the ones who take lead,
Are compelled by their greed.

But I'm not going to lead,
I'm no kind of dictator,
I fall more easily along
The lines of a perpetrator.
I glory in chaos,
And overpower creators,
Of their "society" and "order",
I spawn black ash and deep craters.
But I'm not always insane,
Sometimes I like peace,
And I'll take any great lengths
For disorder to cease.
I isolate myself from them,
And only watch as they fall.
Hell, if it weren't for you,
I'd have killed them all.

But you're not the same,
You're gentle and sweet,
You give them endless chances
Because your faith won't deplete.
And even with me,
That I'm not quite concrete,
You give me your heart
That I struggle to complete.
And so just for you,
I contain myself,
And work to keep my worst
Up on the shelf,
Try to bring out my best,
And let my soul shine through,
It's the only thing I think
Might bring me closer to you.

'Cause in my eyes,
You're all that I need,
You're the only I want,
For whom I would plead.
So I leave myself defenseless,
And simply out of affection,
I make you my one weakness,
The only one crowned in perfection.

If the moment comes,
Will you promise
That your soul shall rest with me,
In my heart,
And beside me every night when I sleep,
And holding my hand as I walk throughout the day?

I read one line and was amazed by what was contained in a few simple lines.
Surely she must be quite understanding, and if we were to talk,
She'd say she knows what I mean.

"Like I'm falling from a bridge, but never hitting the ground."

Maybe as she wrote it, it may not have seemed like much to her.
It could have been just another analogy, just extra words to add some syllables or fill in space.
But when I read that, I thought "Where have those words been all this time?"

That's exactly what I've been feeling for quite a time, but I hadn't said it,
I just didn't identify it until this moment, with that clarification, I'm already interested.

She must be quite one soul.

As much as I want to dislike you,
I can't say I don't miss talking to you.

As much as I want to resent you,
I can't say I don't miss thinking I had a chance with you.

As much as I want to loathe seeing your face,
Your smile and your eyes are just too beautiful.

As much as I want to reject you when you say hi,
Every word just sounds so sweet.

As much as I want to wish you death,
I can't help thinking I'd die with you.

As much I want to hate you,
Like I've never hated anyone before,
As much as I want to hate someone for the very first time,
I can't help but admit that I really fell in love with you.

My mind often drifts,
To the appealing mystery of Death.
What we see as the End,
Attracts my mind but raises questions.

What happens when you die?
Will anyone care when I die?
Will I feel different when I die?
Is Death the better choice for me?

When I run a finger down my wrist,
I can see blood flow through the place,
Where the soft skin and tissue,
Has been ruptured by the knife.

I can rub the blade lightly on my throat,
And imagine what it feels like,
To let the steel dig into my flesh,
And see the red for an instant.

When I ****** the 7.62 round against the temple,
I can feel the bullet tear through everything,
Cross from one side through to the other,
Destroying the beauty I've been given but waste.

And all those images  attract me.
My morality says it's wrong,
But my philosophy asks why not.
It's just not an easy choice to make.

What if it's not what I imagine?
My atheist past tells me it will,
That everything just ends,
And that nothing will hurt.

But my current faith is not so sure,
For it teaches The Lord forgives all,
But as well that taking ones's own life,
Is almost the gravest of sins that lead to Hell.

I'd prefer the empty and black End,
Where there isn't fear of pain.
But I believe the loving, forgiving Lord,
Who can condemn me to suffering.

I feel in my heart both sorrow and love.
It's a conflict between the good and bad.

A depression dwells in me,
The chemical imbalance that I cannot change,
Which reminds me I'm alone,
Because the one I love is leaving.

But the love in my heart,
It shows me the happy future,
The dreams I can reach if I pray to Him,
That she may recover and come home.

It's for her that I live,
She's the one I love.

As long as she lives in this world I must remain,
Despite the sadness that I cannot relieve her pain.

But when she leaves along with my cause,
I think it's the time that the curtain draws.

I've felt the purest and truest of all loves,
And she has brought me happiness.
But I've also smelt the fumes of the fluid,
The chemicals that bring an ultimate bliss.

Many tries, all the while, I have been alone.
But the truth tells me no, I should not condone.

My habit is to think,
That no one will care,
But to not cause her pain,
I must avoid the tendency.

You drag me by the collar you've placed around my neck, and when I stand up to run with you, you trip me back down. Should I try to take it off, you'll smack me and put it back on. Yet for some reason I enjoy this. I have the power to put you beneath me. But maybe it's because this is the only way I can keep some relationship with you.  And though you won't believe it, I've never wanted to hurt you. I know I pulled this out of you when I did so and then refused to let you heal. But my power comes from a dark place. Do not push it out, because it won't spare you. We've got to stop this eventually. We were supposed to love each other...

I wish I could ask you to stay,
but that wouldn't be fair to you anymore.
So instead,
I'll ask you to hold me closely
and tightly to your heart,
and to guide me the entire way.
So that in the end,
we may be together again.

I have always loved you,
And we will meet again someday,
Not because it's likely,
But because I will it so.
Maybe it's a pure coincidence,
That three times already we've reunited,
But that coincidence may only exist,
Because I will it so.

I have always watched you,
And we will meet again someday,
Not because we were meant for each other,
But because I will it so.
Maybe it was us,
We desperately made ourselves compatible,
But our infinite lonliness will always be consoled,
Because I will it so.

I have always been with you,
And we will meet again someday,
Not because it's a habit to remain tied,
But because I will it so.
Maybe I am problemed,
In the way that I cannot let you go,
But you have never let me go,
And I will that so.

I didn't want to be honest with myself
I didn't want to look at the truth
I didn't want to let go or admit you were right
Because then I'd have to admit I fell in love
Because I wanted to
Not because it actually felt right
Because I had a whole process for this
I'm a king and I was looking for my queen
And I let you sit up here with me
Knowing you weren't fit to yet
Just hoping you would change and grow and learn
But rather than come up with me
You pulled me down to you
And now I have to make my way back up home
Because you didn't want to change
You pretended to want to grow
You learn way too slow
I blamed myself and said I learn slow
But I've never been like that
I learn quick
I was willing to slow down for you
But you don't even want to move
I just wasn't listening
But you've been saying you wanted to give up the whole time
You made me want to be better
But I just made you feel worse
You tried to tear me down and got mad when it didn't work
You saw that I was happy and okay
You saw I had a family to go back to
And all you had to say was
"It must be nice."
Even though I was holding my hand out to you,
Even though I shared my family with you,
You just wanted to take it from me.
You didn't care about your pain stopping,
You just wanted me to hurt too.

It's a bright new day,
There's dew on the grass,
The sun is shining,
A slight breeze rustles the leaves,
It's not too cold,
And not too warm,
One might say it is a perfect morning.

Yet why don't I feel it,
The joy and peace of nature,
Why do I,
Who has trained his soul,
Who knows his soul,
Who is one with his soul,
Only feel the darkness,
The sorrow and the loneliness,
The depression.

One might say there's something wrong with me,
Indeed, maybe there is, but would I know?
I would not,
Because all I see this day,
Or éveryday for that matter,
Is that you are not with me,
That you do not want to be,
And most painfully so,
Not for you, but for me.

You said,
     "If I leave him now,
      He will lose nothing."
But this could not be further from right.
Shall you leave me now,
I will lose you.
Which is to say,
I lose everything.

Please, come back.
You can make it,
This I know,
For I shall be your strength,
You needn't move one step.
I shall go to you,
Just hold on a couple more nights.
You needn't worry,
I will relieve you of
Ev'ry trouble.

We will be together,
We shan't say goodbye yet,
We will have our time,
And we will be happy.
For you have said you love me,
And I, even more, love you.

Indifference
Let's do something different. Let's not give this one a form, or try to create structure, a pattern, a format in which to read this. Let's not try to make an art of this. Let's just let the words spill, so that they are all said before they're forgotten. Because this brilliant brain you were given and abused, Victor, well it's not quite the same, it's hard for it to function right, it's hard for it to be what it once could have been. So yes. It is rather weak, and everything leaks out rather quickly, memorization isn't much of a possibility. You can't even remember the words your love says to you. Your wife's words are the sole consolation to all the other **** that life throws at you. Clearly your brain doesn't see the importance of seratonin, or endorphins, or dopamine. 'Cause well, it's holding them all back. Your brain seems to have its own philosophy, that everything works fine, and depression is a myth. And so your "heart", (which is really your soul, which isn't physically existent, so it could be said to be a figment of your imagination, produced by your mind, which perceives  everything that is physical after your brain has processed it, but your mind also cannot be touched, so it may also be nonexistent, does this make me a nihilist?) takes all the consequences and lets it all run through you and take it's toll. So yes, everything just feels like ****. And you really just feel dead. But it can't be said that you are, because you don't know if you are. Your Angel is the one who reanimated you, who suddenly reintroduced the color that you didn't notice was fading from the world. But you see, you've just ****** yourself up so much that you can't get your hippocampus to do much of anything. So now that you've finally met your wife, and now that you love her more than it's even humanly possible to love, you find it increasingly difficult to hold on to what she's giving us. It's like we're trying to carry sand in a fishing net. I can't retain my only happy memories. As she drifts further away, my memory decays along with my soul and my body. Everything I was, everything I became, just goes to ****. It's all a waste if she's not there to receive everything you've worked to create and give to her. You know, Hell is beautiful and sulking in sin is bliss until you've been to Heaven. And I was there. I keep slipping off and falling only to find that she was already waiting to catch me. But each time, she lets me closer and closer to the ground. I'm scared of the day when she won't catch me. But the fear is dull. Everything is dulled. Before she came, you were suffering all the time, every moment, intoxicating yourself so that you could force yourself to be a normal person. Because you were so not normal, that no one could relate to you. And although I deny it, I just want someone to understand me. I want someone who's felt the exact way I feel, so they can tell me how not to feel. Well, you don't feel now, Victor. You don't feel anything, feeling is for humans, and you're not human anymore. You're just the shell of the egg, waiting for the chick to hatch, without feeling that the fetus has already combusted down to ashes, a body without a soul. Incapable of making it anywhere in Life. Because you are me, and I am you, and we are I or you or me, and that's not the way it's supposed to be. All you can do, only because of muscle memorization, is stroke the strings of what's been called an instrument but to you is the extension to your body which you use to voice your soul. That, and attempt to end what you've loathed living, which is a life without her. I had more to say, I have much more thoughts, but let's be honest with ourself, Victor. Anyone who's read this far is probably tired of all your ******* about how you hate your life, being a typical teenager, even though you're hardly that anymore, even though I'm around the corner of having some of what I say be taken seriously. But nobody truly cares, people just get tired of complaints. I don't know why I'm still writing, nobody will read this far. I don't even want to write anymore. I just lack so much motivation that I don't even want to complete this, I don't want to express everything else I was thinking. It's just too much effort for something I don't even care about. Nor does anyone else. I should change the title from "Indifference" to "Depressing Thoughts You Don't Want To Waste Time On". This totally strayed from my original thoughts. I was gonna say something but I forgot. I forgot everything I was going to say. I just feel empty and emotionless now. I hate leukemia. I hate Adam and Eve for committing the sin that ****** us all over, I hate Satan for tempting them, I hate these events. If they just wouldn't have happened, my Angel, my love, my wife, My Azami, she would be okay. Every type of cancer, every type of sickness or disease, could never have hurt her. And we would know she'd make it though this alright, well, it wouldn't have happened in the first place. We'd know we could be together forever. But I'm writing too much. Again. I keep forgetting no one will get this far. Whatever. I guess it helped a little to let some of it out. I just ******* hate this. That I might have to live without her. I hate it so much. I need to drug myself, I can't stand so many negative thoughts and feelings. If only I had been born with a normal brain that acknowledged the need for happiness, and to release seratonin. Whatever, too much again.

Could you stay by my side at every moment?
I wished for this although I was hesitant.
Unaware of wether you were always only in my head,
Or made of the earth as I was, molded of soft lead.
Every word you spoke tasted so sweet,
And  created  an everlasting heat.
Your heart was ever so soft as the sand,
If only I could have held your hand.
For then I would have felt the true bliss,
Of knowing it was you whom I'd never miss.
Maybe things were destined this way,
But "Goodbye." was never easy to say.

I need something new,
An activity to do,
That will help get me through,
And distract me from you.

It seems you've got something,
But what could it be?
It's doing it's job,
To distract you from me.

I need something clean,
That won't make me a fiend,
That will keep me at bay,
Not quite far away.

You must be in pain,
Yet you made time for me.
I'll clean off the stain,
To make sure that you're free.

I need more conversion,
Not sinful *******,
Some kind of transcursion,
A perfect diversion.

Its been a while since you left,
But I never accepted you were gone.

I just pushed away the thought you,
And tried to forget those 9 months existed.

For all I remembered, the Creator made a mistake,
And time skipped right over three seasons.

But looking at our words,
I can't deny what is true.

What we left behind had more power than us both,
And so neither of us could destroy it.

And as everything is rushing back,
I don't know what to do,
Because one thing is still missing,
And that one thing is you.

It's been 6 months since it ended,
Yet it feels like 6 years.

I forced tears from my eyes,
Thinking you might return to dry them.

I forced blood from my eyes,
To make space for you in my veins.

But you didn't.
You couldn't.
You can't.
And you won't.

It was a nightmarish hope,
That a mortal soul could **** Death.

And still I'm clinging to you,
Like the ink on a note.

You're my blood that flows,
Through the artery in my throat.

How I'd love to cut you away,
Just to cease shedding tears.

But Death won't yet take me,
Death feeds off my fears.

I expected your return,
But the thought was outrageous,
'Cause the insane part of my mind,
It's proving to be ageless.

I'd beg you to return and receive no answer,
Surrounded by the air that contains a rejected request.
For some reason, the desire of temptresses,
And THC smoke are all that fills my chest.

I am the light that guides you,
Should you be seeking to leave the dark.

Similarly,

I can be the shadows that immerse you,
Should the light have left you blinded.

I don't think I've ever truly understood the concept of having friends.
Is it that guy that whenever we hang out, we always get ******?
Or is it that guy that forced me to open up to him, yet we only talk twice a year?
Or possibly that girl I always wanted to be close to, but she never let me in?
If so, having friends sure is lonely...

I like ***,
I like drugs,
I like money.

It makes me feel okay.

It makes me feel less like killing myself.

Would you like to leave early?
Go ahead and leave
Can I stay just a little bit longer,
So I can leave when everyone else does?
No just leave now
I won’t look at you again
Getting back home to something I didn’t see
I didn’t believe
I keep walking
I don’t want to breathe
My mind is spilling from my mouth
Can I curl into a shell and seal it away with no spaces
My vacuum chamber
I don’t want to breathe
I’m not even tired
But I don’t want to be awake
Or even asleep for that matter
I don’t want to be
Can I just go early?
I don’t want to be alive anymore
Where is the bottle
It doesn’t even work anymore

You have been my source of light,
You have been my source of love,
You have been my source of life.

And now you plan to leave?

I suppose you are not wrong,
You have given me so much,
I am in debt to you.

But answer me this:

How may I find my way to you without your light,
How may I return the favor without your love,
How may I serve you without your life?

If my soul kisses yours will you feel it?
May my soul rest next to yours, and embrace you?
May I whisper my poems of love to you,
See your smile,
And kiss your lips?
How much may I love you?

How unfitting it is that I should be,
Hoping you might return home to me.

I'm not one so special, in this time of need,
So I'll tell you now, my words, do heed.

I won't bring you bliss, can't give you a kiss,
Not slight happiness, not any of this.

So why do you, now, give me your love,
When mine for you, fits not like a glove.

It's mangled and dark, and so very sharp,
Not pretty like yours that rings like a harp.

The beauty in me is what not to be,
I show little children, work not to be me.

I may teach a lesson and I teach it strong,
But even the strong doesn't last all that long.

My spirit proves weak, and quite a bit meek,
My future is bleak, it's Satan's blood I leak.

It's not that I lack a love for our Lord,
But rather that I can't carry His sword.

So why is it when, I ask how you feel,
You prepare words so gently, like a delicious meal.

Can you not see that I can't carry you high,
Shall you stay with me, to Heaven say goodbye.

I won't make it there, or anywhere near,
My sins keep me out, yet I still fear.

The truth is not good like you've shown to me,
Such beauty you have, and will always be.

I'm sorry to say that our dreams are just dreams,
When we live life with such different themes.

I love you so much and I always will,
But that space in your heart, I'm too small to fill.

I can't hold you back, when it's time to go,
But I wish you the best, this you must know.

You're just like the night, when the moon shines so bright,
And there's not a cloud, to cover your light.

Shall The Lord call you now, don't worry about me,
How unfitting it is that I love you, eternally.

Because even with you it's still not enough,
I still need more,
And it's not that it's any of your fault,
It's just that I've overdosed too many times.
It's like loading a bowl,
Then clearing it in one hit,
I never stop there,
I always keep going.
Sure, it feels good while it lasts,
But I know when I come back down to earth,
I'll only feel worse,
I'm just not high enough.
I need to feel that release,
I need to forget,
I need to leave,
Abandon everything I can't stand.
I'm addicted to those things,
Oxytocin that makes me want to try,
Dopamine that presents me true pleasure,
Serotonin that makes happiness last days.
But you see,
I've built up tolerance,
In every ounce of my body,
And any less can't suffice.
I want to say I love you,
But I'm not sure that it's true,
Or if I'm not done feeling good,
And I want to believe it's more true than it is.
But even still,
I just can't let you go,
I'm sorry,
But this is going to hurt.

I would love to say that I still have hope.
I would love to say that I still have faith.
But I can't lie to you.
This has hurt me too much.
The me you brought out of me left.
I don't have the will anymore.
I don't even have the will to live.

Five years ago I died.
I don't know if I revived.

****, thirteen really was hard,
But it was the best played card.

Seems like every day in the past
Still continues, overlaps, and lasts.

I don't know if I'm living in the future,
Or staying behind like an immobile creature.

I don't know what happened.
I don't know what's happening.

People just come and people just go,
'Cause relative to arrival, departure is slow.

You want to see the reality of me?
Good luck finding it, if it may be.

I died five years ago.
Nobody noticed.

My mom said she loves me.
My father did, too.

I think I believed her more than him.
I think he only cares about himself.

That's were I got my **** from.
I can't say I'm better than that.

It's all I was taught.
And now it's hard to get rid of it.

I'm pretty gone, now.
Trying to get rid of some things erased me.

It was an overshot,
But it was a shot.

I say **** a lot of things.
A lot people say **** me.

But I'm not them.
They're not me.

What does it mean to be lost?
I might be, even though I thought I found my way.

I thought I stood up,
To get off the ground.

I think it was *****.
That must've been it.

But I think I just crawled into a chair.
I'm a pretty lazy guy.

From a couple feet higher,
I can see where to go.

But without my feet carrying me,
I can't go anywhere.

And though I know a lot of things,
Getting all the way isn't one of them.

I think I died one day.
It may have been five years ago.

I've met the same person eight million times.
She didn't exist.

I did a lot for her.
She was inside my head.

I did a lot for me.
'Cause I'm not quite selfless.

But I could be.
Could I be?

I don't know.
I don't know a lot of things.

It makes me unsure.
It makes me unsafe.

One day that will **** me.
If I'm still alive.

But I think I died one day.
It was maybe two years ago.

Five years ago, I wanted to die.
But only two years ago, my heart stopped beating.

It was all a process.
It was a matter of time.

'Cause no death is instantaneous,
But it happens in a single instant.

I think I still exist.
If not, there'd be no head for this to be in.

It's not all just inside my head.
That's one thing I'm sure of.

But not completely sure.
Only a little bit.

She left two years ago.
She's not here anymore.

I made a new her two years ago.
She's inside my head.

She left two years ago.
I met her seven million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine times after.

But only for an instant each time.
Then she would always turn into another person.

I got used to the phrase.
"Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I wished she'd come back.
But not anymore.

I died two years ago.
She'd be wasting her time here.

But maybe she wouldn't be.
She wouldn't come for me after all.

She would come for other people.
To see people that surely still exist.

Why waste time on the dead?
Better to waste time on the living.

I might not be either of them,
Since I might not exist anymore.

Or I might.
I might still be a few songs, some words on a page, and some marijuana smoke.

I don't know a lot of things.
So I can't be sure of anything.

I started dying five years ago and might have finished two.
I don't know if revived, if I ever made through.

If you were a coloring book,
I would be mad,
That after opening the cover,
There's no spaces left for me to color.

If you were water,
I would freeze you,
Immobile,
And gently stroke my fingers across your surface.

If you were wooden,
You'd be the finest sculpture,
That I would burn with every touch in every crease,
And leave ashen.

If you were an egg,
I'd take the utmost care to not drop you,
And the only place I would break your shell,
Is at the bottom where I'd fit perfectly.

If you were a string,
I'd tie you up tightly around me,
So that you could never leave me,
And I could always feel you on my skin.

If you were lava,
I would gladly burn off my flesh,
And I wouldn't hesitate to go inside you,
Because I'm used to feeling you down to my bones.

I decided to make the cross from the bathroom to my bedroom quick.

Everyone was already sleeping so all the lights in the house were off.

As I stepped from the light to the dark I was blinded, but I knew someone else could see.

As I stood at my door a second or two to open it, I felt a presence approach.

But I rushed into my room because I'd rather not know.

I closed my door and almost locked it, then reconsidered, in case I had to get out.

My blankets and sheets were on the bed, as I had just laundered them.

I stared at the door as I made my bed, 'cause I knew something was out there.

I avoided turning my back to the door so as to not be vulnerable.

I stared at the door as I pulled the cover back and lay down.

I was turning off the light but quickly flicked my head back over, I know I heard something.

There's a wolf outside my door.
There are Wolves outside my door.
They might be feasting on the others.
I'm the only one who sleeps with the door shut.

I procrastinated turning off the light before finally accepting nothing was going to happen.

But there's still something out there, I can feel it in my spine.

There are Wolves out there waiting to consume me as soon as my eyes shut.

My flesh, my body, my soul, my entire being, my very essence, they're waiting.

I've got work tomorrow, and school as well, I have to go tomorrow.

Hell, I hate both, but if needing to go keeps me alive, I can't die now.

I'm staying awake because I want to be ready to run when the Wolves come in.

I just turned the light back on, I want to know what's around me.

But now that I think about it, I'm letting them know I'm here.

I wanted to affirm their lack of presence, but just confirmed my own.

There's Wolves,
Outside my door,
Outside my window,
Inside my closet,
Under my bed,
Inside my head,
And they won't leave,
Not until I'm dead.

I think there's something wrong again.

I think I'm dependent again.

I think somewhere along the way I fell back into the hole.

I hope I managed to get at least a finger onto the edge.

That way I can at least pull myself back up,

Before I reach the bottom.

I've always hated when people do this,
When people make indirect public notes,
And they're obviously for someone,
So I'm always thinking "Just ******* send it to them."
But now I understand why,
It's not because they haven't tried,
****, I tried my *** off,
I tried so desperately to keep you,
And you did everything but let me.
So I see now,
These posts that before seemed so pointless,
They now have a purpose.
I see that it's because you need to get it out,
Write a letter and not send it,
Just leave it out on the table,
And hope that the person across will bother to pick it up,
And read it,
And maybe it's too hopeful,
But possibly even turn the letter over,
And write a response on the back.
And I hope with every drop of my soul,
That you see this and have some explanation,
Even though it doesn't matter what you say,
I'll never believe you again.
I don't care what you or anyone says,
No he wasn't just a friend,
I don't care who you are,
You don't sleep with just a friend.
I don't know why you would do this,
I did nothing to hurt you,
I ******* lost my head over you,
I felt like I was losing my sanity,
I wasn't myself because of you.
I became such a minuscule piece ****,
Because of you.
I just wanted you.
That was all.
And you kept saying you thought I was lying,
You thought I was talking to someone else.
You blamed it on people of the past,
Maybe thinking that would make it okay.
But you know what they say,
It's the partner who would or is,
That suspects the other of doing so.
And I guess you just became another tally,
Under the side labeled "Doesn't Care"
And I became one on the other side,
Labeled
"Cares way too ******* much and trusts way too ******* much and feels way too ******* much and is honest way too ******* much because this world shreds apart people like these"
I don't understand.
I've never understood.
And I've always felt misunderstood.
I thought you would be the one to make a difference.
I've always wanted to keep a positive view,
I've always wanted to think that humans are good,
And for some reason I can't understand,
You seem determined to destroy that.
Congratulations.
It worked.
I no longer believe the best.
I no longer want to be with anyone.
I just want to be alone.
Because I know I won't hurt myself.
I know I can trust myself.
"Through this I've come to realize that if I were God,
We would've all just died,
Because darling you were mine,
And now I feel so dead inside,
And what good am I if all I can do,
Is create a projection of my own mind."
And and I genuinely hoped those words would never strike me so deeply.
But that's all I can believe now that everything is gone.
"A picture is worth a thousand words or whatever people say to me,
It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need,
And all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets,
A prayer that nothing will keep,
A hope that light will seek before the dark sinks too deep."
But it's already gotten there.
You seemed intent on forcing it down,
With that image exactly,
I bet with every ******,
You imaged a knife stabbing me,
At least I know that's how I felt,
When I saw the truth.
It felt like every knife was forced in at the same time,
And there were hundreds,
Maybe thousands even,
And I just wish one of them would've been real.
And as the fool I am,
I can't help but think "What did I do wrong?"
Even though I know it's not my fault,
But I can't convince myself that the person I saw as perfect,
Would've done something so cold.
Please, try at least a little,
Because although I know that will hurt me,
At least for the end I won't feel so alone,
Because you cared enough to try at least a little,
At least at the end.
All I can say has come from this,
Is the last bit of strength I needed,
And now I'm not afraid.
So thank you.

This doesn't feel right,
To not bid you a good night.
But I told you before,
I may not have time anymore.
I want to stick to my word,
So you'll know that I'm true,
But does it really matter now,
That I'm falling for you?

Not all promises are good,
So be broken some should.
I beg, please trust me still,
As with love, this night fills.
Every precaution must be taken,
To make sure you don't forget,
What's been happening here,
Every day since we met.

So can you tell me right now,
In clear detail just how,
You want me to be,
Until each other we see.
I've been trying my best,
To not take all of your day,
But not neglect you either,
So is this okay?

You're not making me happy like you used to anymore.
Things don't seem the same as they were before.
I don't want to give up because I know this can work,
But it seems like my mind is regressing to the dark.
You've been quite a wonderful person to me,
And I can't comprehend why now it seems to be
That you have lost interest and now just conform,
Like you're just playing along, just riding out a storm.
If you're tired, please say so, 'cause I don't want to weigh,
You need not be so kind, every single day.
Don't pretend that you're here when you've already left,
And me keeping you near is little less than theft.
I can't read your mind and I can't feel your soul,
But I'm not one that you should have to console.
If you want to, stay with me, and please don't leave,
But if this is pity, then don't stay, I won't grieve.
For clearly what I saw may very well not exist,
But I won't just automatically mark myself off your list.
I want you to be you, and to speak only truth,
Because that's how I am with you, I can give you proof.
But this isn't an argument, I just want to know,
Wether you really want to stay, or would rather just go.

"I leave you to go the road we all must go.
The road I would choose, if only I could, is the
         other."

The Tale of Genji, Murasaki Shikibu

You found your way into my heart,
And I didn't even notice when this did start.

At first it seemed like just a seed,
So small, so young, it seemed nothing to heed.

But in these long yet short, few nights,
It seems you've sprouted into the light.

Your stem is firm and your roots in place,
You won't be leaving, not now I've seen your face.

It seems even you don't know where you're growing,
But I won't tell you now, for fear you might start slowing.

I'm happy about this, having you here,
Despite distance between, you feel so near.

The tone of your skin, and the black of your hair,
And your cute little hands, to match your smile, so fair.

When I looked in your eyes, I thought I might drown,
In the all of the beauty that began to surround.

I'm trying to hold back, to not let my roots grow too,
But at this point, my heart beats only for you.

To see you bloom, now that is one dream,
A scene that won't fade, the light which endlessly gleams.

May the witness to this be only me?
Or am I not who it's meant to be?

Will things always go accordingly?
Or can we rust these chains, and break free?

I'm wasting my money away,
Like its alive and running astray.
My first pay check disappeared,
Before they knew what they feared.
When I'm down and oppressed,
The one way I can still express,
That I'm myself, not any less,
Is to spoil myself with things in excess.
My mother clearly thinks I'm stupid,
That I'm only young and deluded.
And my father, with his selfish sneers,
Expects monetary repayment for a debt of 18 years.
So with their own uneducated impressions,
And their age-induced mindset regressions,
They give in to their control obsessions,
And provoke all my hidden depressions.
And when I can't make use of drugs,
Or feel the pleasure of lustful hugs,
The only thing I've left to do,
The only way to make it through,
Is spend and spend all that I can,
Use all what's left inside my hand,
Prove that all their reprimand,
Has no authority, gives no command.

Yet the only purpose for all this ridiculous strife,
Is to demonstrate that I'm the one who controls my life.

Three Germany Eyes,
Tears Both Essential,
Effect Of fashion accessories,
Civilians.
What's Love Led Crystals,
field Cobbles Releases Blood,
Determination.
Tears of bitter Media,
CORRESPONDENT.

"Victor, Victor, Victor."

"Mr. Victor."

"Victor!"

"Victor! Victor! Victor!"

"Mr. Victor!"

"MR. VICTOR"

"VICTOR!"

"VICTOR!"

"...Yes?" I quietly reply with a brief exhale.

"What do you need?"

I like my *******.
I like it quite a lot.
It says more by itself,
Than I can say I've got.

It rubs my eyes,
Showing that I'm tired,
And if I'm annoyed,
"*******, I'm wired."

It says "I don't really care."
Or "You're being a ****."
It takes care of it all,
Before I can get sick.

It's quite a nice thing,
Almost says who I am,
Though there's still much more,
It nicely filters the spam.

You were my Nephele,
When all else seemed so unreal,
You were there to set in steel,
Everything you made me feel.

Like each cloud up in the sky,
Your soul resided oh so high,
And when came time to say goodbye,
My heart could not resist to cry.

Yet why "Goodbye" I never said,
I wonder each night, lying in bed,
And even still, inside my head,
I can't make out if now I'm dead.

For if you're here, then here I'll be,
But if you're there, I might soon see,
And if not either, then quite surely,
To another nirvana, we can flee.

Or hold to you, and we will float,
On the wind, like a sky boat,
And past our castle's rain-made moat,
Inside our palace of clouds, remote.

It's hard to say that I still feel,
But once again, it's set in steel,
That all of this that's so surreal,
Came when you were my Nephele.

When you had a bae
But then she was just like
"Aye, so this guy asked me out and I said yes"
So now you're just sad.
Because I'm alone now,
You see I wasn't like you,
I didn't have someone else,
I had these feelings I felt,
And they were only for you.
Because when everyone else wasn't,
You still were.
You were who I had
And that was all that I wanted.
And you made it seem so easy to just let me go,
Because maybe this had been building so,
When he came you just said
"Yeah *****, I'm down"
Even though that meant letting me down.
And that hurt me so much,
Because I loved you,
I really ******* did,
And I know that
Because now it's been more than a year,
And still sitting here,
Hoping it won't work out,
So you'll come back and say
"I'm sorry for backing out"
Like I did when it didn't for me,
And I know I was an ***,
But ****, time allows for this to pass,
And I'm hoping, dreaming even,
That this does too, to keep things even,
You see, I hope that you hurt,
That in the days and weeks proceeding
You felt at a loss because you didn't have me.
You let go of me,
But how am I supposed to be free
When I'm trapped inside me?
When we were together
I had a whole other world to explore
But suddenly it was like
Donald Trump built his wall,
And I was imprisoned inside
In the world that I knew but was falling apart.
You see, I hope that you hurt.
Not because I want you to be sad,
All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
But not like this,
I wanted to be happy with you.
And I'm glad that you smile,
I'm so grateful that you're happy,
But I can't deny
That I'm ******* mad.
No, that I'm sad,
Because you didn't include me.
Like it was only about you.
I was only about you.
I wish you had been about me,
The same way,
I would always say,
That every passing day
I would continue to stay
With You.
Does it mean that I can wait
Two years for a fate
That says I can ask you out,
And then again you'll back out,
But this time it's better,
Because it'll be for the better,
The better of me,
I am selfish, you see.
Or will things have changed,
Be rearranged
To fit a kaleidoscope
That eliminates my hope?
I sure hope not,
Because I still want you here,
In a figurative sense,
Like it always had been,
I'm sorry there was distance
And that that made it hard,
To remember that we existed
In each other's hearts.
But in a way that made it real,
I was only to you,
And you were only to me,
No else would know how we feel,
And we kept that between us,
And that is what we must
Continue to be
So no one would see,
And no one would get between
The lines that tied you to me.
I can't get through to you,
But what else am I supposed to do?
Even though today
I am no closer to you,
Than I was a year ago,
When I was unprepared for this change
That to me was nothing but strange,
And anything but welcome.
I'm writing to you,
And I know you won't see this,
But I hope that you do,
Because no one else will care.
And I hope that when you see this,
It will bring back something,
Something that is okay
In my world of things that are not okay.

And I want you here now more than ever,
Because you would know what to say,
You would know where to go,
And you could take my hand and guide me there.
I feel so close to the bottom,
I'm scared to get there,
Because I've always been carried,
And now I'm all on my own.
And clearly I didn't handle this well,
Clearly I made a big mistake a ways back,
And I keep making more mistakes,
That made this little ball into a spool,
A spool of the winding errors,
Funneling into the pool,
That has became a display fair,
Consisting of everything I've done in life,
That I've regretted and wished I could change,
And somehow all of that led to the place I am now.
It's like a procession,
Like everything you would walk through,
Was in chronological order and somehow,
It made sense that it ended up here,
It wouldn't seem so illogical,
If it weren't for my dream being right here,
In my reach,
Right in front of me,
And gazing at me so intently,
I can't help but be in love and want it all the more.
But I've ****** everything up so bad,
It's hard to believe that what I want can still be had.
That's why every time I look at her,
My immediate thought is that,
This isn't real,
And there's some joke on me that I am not catching,
Some kind of trick pulled out of a hat,
That it's just a play,
For someone else's entertainment,
And that right when I decide to reach and grab it,
That's when the point of the story is clear,
That drop is when cup overflows,
Or when I walk into the crosshairs,
Or the final straw that broke my strength.
And I just can't do it.
I can't do this again.
When every single day,
The increment between the times I say,
"I want to be alive."
And
"I want to be dead."
Continues increasing, and not in the way it should,
Well I'm just too scared to take the chance.
But despite my fear,
She's just so beautiful,
And her allure is so mesmerizing,
I don't push myself to get closer,
But I don't stop myself either.
I just let myself keep going,
And hope for the best.
I don't want to get my hopes up,
Because I don't expect the best,
But it's hard to deny that in my heart,
I truly want this.
And I want you here now more than ever,
Because you were my home,
You were my safe house,
And no mattered how far I went,
I knew I could always come back,
And you would hold me warm in your arms,
And I could hear the beat of your heart,
Whispering to me that things are okay.
It's unsettling without you.
Everything seems so unfamiliar and estranged.
It doesn't feel like home.
All the nice things are only so for a moment,
They're more like slow acting poisons.
And I'm looking at this girl thinking,
Is she another venom to pulse through my veins,
Or is that really light in her eyes,
Pulling me out of the darkness of this abyss?
And I want you here now more than ever,
Not because I still cling to your lifeless fingertips,
But because this could be another chance at life,
And you would know what to do.

I hate this pain,
In my chest,
In my throat,
In my stomach,
In my heart,
I hate this pain,
In my head,
And my eyes,
In my arms,
And in my legs,
I hate this pain in my body.
Those bottles full of pills that I choke down,
At all hours of the day,
Aren't working for ****.
Would it be stupid to pull out that herb,
That I've been hiding in my closet,
Or under my bed?
Would it be a bad choice to light it up,
And take a few hits,
Just to relieve this pain?
I feel like I'm about to ***** out my soul!