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I didn't want to be honest with myself
I didn't want to look at the truth
I didn't want to let go or admit you were right
Because then I'd have to admit I fell in love
Because I wanted to
Not because it actually felt right
Because I had a whole process for this
I'm a king and I was looking for my queen
And I let you sit up here with me
Knowing you weren't fit to yet
Just hoping you would change and grow and learn
But rather than come up with me
You pulled me down to you
And now I have to make my way back up home
Because you didn't want to change
You pretended to want to grow
You learn way too slow
I blamed myself and said I learn slow
But I've never been like that
I learn quick
I was willing to slow down for you
But you don't even want to move
I just wasn't listening
But you've been saying you wanted to give up the whole time
You made me want to be better
But I just made you feel worse
You tried to tear me down and got mad when it didn't work
You saw that I was happy and okay
You saw I had a family to go back to
And all you had to say was
"It must be nice."
Even though I was holding my hand out to you,
Even though I shared my family with you,
You just wanted to take it from me.
You didn't care about your pain stopping,
You just wanted me to hurt too.
Maybe done? Maybe not? Probably not?
Oh my god,
Stop pretending,
Like hardening your heart makes you strong,
Someone switched up but you're shaking,
And they're off fine while you cry.
You wanted to play so I showed you the game,
Now you're just mad 'cause I won,
But there's no pride in being good at this,
I don't like it either.
When I was a kid I liked it,
I didn't mind being alone,
But now I'm so lonely and I just want a home.
I left mine behind for the light in your eyes,
But you don't even see it,
Your mind is filled up with lies.
You don't want to admit that it's time to grow up,
You could change things right now,
But you're still stuck playing this game that you **** at,
Asserting you can win, and you can both be and have the prize,
While every day you struggle to search for a reason to live,
Other than that you simply won't **** yourself.
Honestly, you'd be better off doing it,
Because all you win from that game is nothing more to lose.
You see, once you die,
There's nothing to lose either,
But at least you'll find the truth,
That you wasted all this time,
Breaking down everything,
And building up nothing.
At last, you'll sit in a place where you can do nothing forever,
Because that's all you really wanted, right?
And to even hear these words would hurt you,
Because the truth is so harsh,
Maybe you should've made it nicer for yourself.
A truth you would actually like,
But you weren't willing to work,
You settled for reality as it was given to you,
****.
Then you created all these lies,
Surrounded yourself with them,
Blinded your eyes with all these illusions,
That, yes, while they look so pretty,
They don't exist,
And you say to yourself,
****.
What the **** were you expecting?
Everything?
You didn't do anything,
This is what's waiting for you,
Nothing.
I reject nothing,
I refuse to settle,
I will change,
Myself and my world,
Because this one that I live and experience is mine,
And mine alone.
It's on each individual to create their happiness,
And I can be a master.
I was made to be.
I'm not happy alone.
I got what I wanted from that.
Now I'm ready to have friends and family and company.
All are welcome.
It just takes work to get here.
The cool part is that the work is fun,
And the reward is even greater.
It lasts forever and it never goes away,
It gives you confidence and pushes you forward,
And you can always look back and remember,
This is how I got where I am now,
Every success  is a landmark,
That no  matter which one you're looking for,
It's always standing out,
And it feels so great to look back,
And see every single one in perfect light and clarity,
And follow the trail up to where you are now,
And you remember how great and amazing you are,
How beautiful you are,
How perfect you are,
You fall in love with yourself,
You love yourself,
You take care of yourself,
You give everything to yourself,
You see that in that,
You also give to everyone around you,
Everyone gets everything,
Everyone can be happy,
Together.
I will get here without you.
If you choose not to join,
I'll still make the journey myself.
But you have no idea,
I wish more than anything,
That you would come with me.
You drag me by the collar you've placed around my neck, and when I stand up to run with you, you trip me back down. Should I try to take it off, you'll smack me and put it back on. Yet for some reason I enjoy this. I have the power to put you beneath me. But maybe it's because this is the only way I can keep some relationship with you.  And though you won't believe it, I've never wanted to hurt you. I know I pulled this out of you when I did so and then refused to let you heal. But my power comes from a dark place. Do not push it out, because it won't spare you. We've got to stop this eventually. We were supposed to love each other...
Yes, I can stay here just like this,
And keep doing this to myself over and over, forever.
Eventually my mind will break.
Eventually I'll lose it and I can stop loving you like this.
Every single word that burns my ears leaves them ringing,
Because each time you do,
I know that's the last time I'll hear it.
Eventually I'll be deaf.  
Then I will stop hearing your song.
Then I can stop loving you like this.
Eventually I'll learn to associate your name with pain,
So that I flinch back at it,
So that I'm scared to come around,
All that will be left is a rainbow over a dead, burnt, empty field, amidst a gray sky,
And I'll wonder why it continues to shine it's colors in the darkness,
So deep light cannot escape it,
Then you will not reach me,
Then I can stop loving you like this.
I wonder if you even know I exist anymore.
If you ever stop to think of me for even a moment.
It doesn't seem like you do.
It's been so long since I've heard from you,
but you still seem like the same person.
I wonder if I had some sort of negative influence in your life,
That you decided to completely erase your memory of me.
I sure hope not.
And if I did, then I'm sorry.
I did the same to someone afterwards,
And I feel awful about it.
I wish I could apologize to them.
But at this point,
I think it would do more harm than good.
I've always hated when people do this,
When people make indirect public notes,
And they're obviously for someone,
So I'm always thinking "Just ******* send it to them."
But now I understand why,
It's not because they haven't tried,
****, I tried my *** off,
I tried so desperately to keep you,
And you did everything but let me.
So I see now,
These posts that before seemed so pointless,
They now have a purpose.
I see that it's because you need to get it out,
Write a letter and not send it,
Just leave it out on the table,
And hope that the person across will bother to pick it up,
And read it,
And maybe it's too hopeful,
But possibly even turn the letter over,
And write a response on the back.
And I hope with every drop of my soul,
That you see this and have some explanation,
Even though it doesn't matter what you say,
I'll never believe you again.
I don't care what you or anyone says,
No he wasn't just a friend,
I don't care who you are,
You don't sleep with just a friend.
I don't know why you would do this,
I did nothing to hurt you,
I ******* lost my head over you,
I felt like I was losing my sanity,
I wasn't myself because of you.
I became such a minuscule piece ****,
Because of you.
I just wanted you.
That was all.
And you kept saying you thought I was lying,
You thought I was talking to someone else.
You blamed it on people of the past,
Maybe thinking that would make it okay.
But you know what they say,
It's the partner who would or is,
That suspects the other of doing so.
And I guess you just became another tally,
Under the side labeled "Doesn't Care"
And I became one on the other side,
Labeled
"Cares way too ******* much and trusts way too ******* much and feels way too ******* much and is honest way too ******* much because this world shreds apart people like these"
I don't understand.
I've never understood.
And I've always felt misunderstood.
I thought you would be the one to make a difference.
I've always wanted to keep a positive view,
I've always wanted to think that humans are good,
And for some reason I can't understand,
You seem determined to destroy that.
Congratulations.
It worked.
I no longer believe the best.
I no longer want to be with anyone.
I just want to be alone.
Because I know I won't hurt myself.
I know I can trust myself.
"Through this I've come to realize that if I were God,
We would've all just died,
Because darling you were mine,
And now I feel so dead inside,
And what good am I if all I can do,
Is create a projection of my own mind."
And and I genuinely hoped those words would never strike me so deeply.
But that's all I can believe now that everything is gone.
"A picture is worth a thousand words or whatever people say to me,
It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need,
And all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets,
A prayer that nothing will keep,
A hope that light will seek before the dark sinks too deep."
But it's already gotten there.
You seemed intent on forcing it down,
With that image exactly,
I bet with every ******,
You imaged a knife stabbing me,
At least I know that's how I felt,
When I saw the truth.
It felt like every knife was forced in at the same time,
And there were hundreds,
Maybe thousands even,
And I just wish one of them would've been real.
And as the fool I am,
I can't help but think "What did I do wrong?"
Even though I know it's not my fault,
But I can't convince myself that the person I saw as perfect,
Would've done something so cold.
Please, try at least a little,
Because although I know that will hurt me,
At least for the end I won't feel so alone,
Because you cared enough to try at least a little,
At least at the end.
All I can say has come from this,
Is the last bit of strength I needed,
And now I'm not afraid.
So thank you.
You probably won't be seeing my stuff much longer. I'll post a few more. Maybe even finish some drafts I never finished. But that'll be it. Thank you to everyone who supported me on here. It really did make me truly happy for a while. But I guess being accepted on a poetry website just isn't enough to make life worth living.
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