I want to say it so badly.
I do know.
I'm so afraid of it.
I'm in deep.
I won't get out,
I can't get out.

The water's fine,
What about sharks?
I'm doubting myself,
"Just dive under."

You look up at me;
You fell long before I did.
You're already there,
waiting patiently/impatiently.
You can't get out.

Save you?
Forget about the sharks,
I need to do this myself.
Diving is easy when you're already in the water..

I'll close my eyes.
I'll flutter them open again.
I see you,
I don't see a trap.
I'll say it:

You definitely see me
In your line of sight
My shy eyes look for contact
with your wandering ones.

You cannot hear my voice reach
the depth of your ear drums
it's soft I know
but I won't speak louder.

I can't
I think too hard
About what to say
how to say it
Simplicity wreaks my mind.

I wait
My patience grows thin
I shrink
I won't grow back
because of you.

I want to
I'll try
try to be better for you
Show you
Will you please accept me?

I thought that I was heartbroken,
you thought it was a clean break.

I knew this to be untrue, it is my heart isn’t it?

I went through the days feeling the same,
you thought I would get better.

But again, this is my heart it is not yours.

A stranger came upon this heartbreak of mine
I realized that my heart did not break.
You just left a gaping hole in my heart.

You drained my heart for a period of time
Sending the pretty swirling bubbles down the drain
And left me empty and cold


This is my heart and I am determined to fill it.

We fell asleep together,
I asked before:
"Is it safe here?"
"Safe in my arms."
And I felt the protection
from the warmth of your body
around me.

I woke up
to a note on your pillow:
I watched you sleep,
I love you.
Be back soon.
I was in an apartment,
your apartment.

I got up from the covers
peeked in your dresser drawer
tucked in the corner was
my pink underwear,
my book of short stories
next to your 3/4 sleeve shirts.
Down the hall in the bathroom
I found my toothbrush.
In the kitchen
chai tea.
The living room
a sketchbook and pencil.
Mine
in your apartment.

What a shame
you never came home
to me.
So I woke right up
when I realized it was a bad dream.

You asked me what I dreamt,
I had dreamt of soup.

I could have told you that,
but I couldn't tell you this:

I dreamed that we were staring at soup.
It was green and thicker than peas.
I was stirring my spoon in and out of the bowl,
picking up the lurking liquid
dripping it right back into the murky waters.

We were silent, but after some time,
you said "I love you."
I said it back very quickly and casually,
it was as if I had told you before!
So you said it louder, you exclaimed it even stronger,
"I LOVE YOU."

Noodles immediately floated to the surface of the soup.
The thickness cleared to spell out the three words that
I had been wanting to say, and wanting you to say.

I burst into tears.
I picked up the spoon.
I scooped up the letters and ate "I love you".

your cousin is engaged
you hadn't seen it yet
the sad song plays
you haven't answered my text

the tears are hot
the room is melting
the song is screaming
you say you understand

can you say it again with feeling?

The sky was black
twinkling with stars lit up all around
like you were the only person who could see
their incandescent beauty
and you were surrounded
smothered
in them
and being eaten
by these stars that were
just so pretty
dazy
wanting you just as much
enveloping you in everything they are
because they can't feel you
wish they could
and have this endless desire
to reach out for you
but they can't
and you wish to do the same

to touch them in all they are
be as close as you can
breathing with them
feeling what they feel
becoming numb
with a love for them
an adoration so great
you'll think about it
time and time again
until you can't remember
what it felt like
to love and be loved
by the stars
and you'll just look up
and wait.

I sit here
cold.
All I want
is to be wrapped up in you.
To close my eyes
and feel your hands
around me
The warmth of your skin
draped over me
Our legs intertwined
like pretzels
Twisted in ways
that only feel right
to us.
The moment we sit in
has no time.
There is no limit to how long
we sit as one.
So our lips touch
and instantly we are moved
Tingling erupts through me
Our eyes gaze at each other
through everything
In a second.
We long for the other one
The touch
feeling
love
To keep us in a moment timeless.
So I sit here
Longing for you
Until I can't stand it
anymore.

I read a book once that told me
"I love you means never having to say you're sorry"
So if I love you so much
And I do so incredibly beyond these words..
How come I feel as if I need to apologize,
Please just let me.
It needs to be said from these lips,
the same ones that have kissed the entirety of you and left bruises on your neck.
Let me use the same voice that whispers I love you, into your ear and the same voice that sings to the radio in the car,

the same voice that has formed hurtful words that furled out of my throat like leftover cigarette smoke when the window is suddenly slammed shut and you can still smell and taste the bitter burning tobacco.
You look at me and you can't stop sighing. I look at you and I can't even see you. Your body to me has broken and I can't pick up the pieces because you won't stop sighing.
I love you means never having to say you're sorry.
I think in my head all the hate and every single sorry I would like to say

But you say sorry first.
It comes out of your mouth burning my insides quickly before the match has even reached the candle. I know before you even say it, turning me into a melted puddle of tears, more hatred, more sorrys.

The body that was once bits has been picked up and built together again and now reaches for the body that is a pool of lifeless clay and holds her hand and molds her back together. He holds her  fragile body and wipes the hot tears that could make her melt again and she mutters:
"I'm sorry."

I’ve never been so glad to come home at night to hear the television blasting

This time it wasn’t cheerful voices from the home shopping network belting out about a product

It was a live Cat Stevens concert and it made me shiver to listen to someone whose voice sounded so real.

We just met.

You said "hi".

I was so surprised I could die.

We talked like we fit like clicks of locks.

You stared. Gazed. Star gazed.

At me.

                                                            ­                                             Until I discovered you have a girlfriend.

                                                    ­                                            Now I'm going to staple myself to the carpet.

the ghost in me
hides in you too
we pass the days holed up in our spaces, looking at the familiar faces
on screens they act, they type,
they talk through speakers
loud enough to drown the thoughts
we have to hear in darkness when
everything isn’t
so clear, the sky they say will be
soon I hope I can get over this

the piles lay
untouched in the laundry and the sink and every single time
I blink away the motivation like it will get done
tomorrow is another day but why not
why not today?
time is always ticking
faster I see the days go by
without accomplishing anything of any
significance, can’t you see the significance in the way you’re wasting away from here and into
the void that is tomorrow, it’s next week, it’s next month,
it’s not important
keep telling yourself
I need to be better
When is better?

I'm stressed and undressed at the foot of your bed.
But you can't hear me from inside your head.
The floor creaks but you don't move even the slightest.
Do you know how much I need you?

I curl slowly into myself and the tears pour.

I'm awake, you're asleep and I'm needing you more,

now than ever before. It's making me feel like a hurricane.

One that sweeps you up and you wouldn't even know it because

You're still sleeping and I'm driving, or wanting to drive to your apartment and press the button to buzz

you awake. Isn't it strange that we hear some things so easily and familiar like an alarm,

but a gut feeling is completely ignored as you lay there sleeping?

And I'm awake.

Bad luck didn't stop us.
We walked, gazed at the colored trees,
you at my eyes.
The leaves on the ground
I saw when I blushed.
A lot.
Violet red, pointed, wet leaves, scattered.
Around us.
The rain fell but
you held me.
I listened and smiled.
How perfect,
You're too sweet.
Expectations replaced with actuality.
Fear for what comes next.

You always said:

I want you
to live your dreams.

Never in a billion years
did you ever believe:

You would be the one
who destroyed them.

There are blurry holes in the words that I am reading, just like you.

An image with these holes that doesn't make sense.

I don't understand why I still think of you in this way.

It's not much thinking, maybe more wondering.

I wonder and wander up a swirling spiral staircase that sways and creeps beneath my feet.
I reach the corner of the empty old room.

My nervous quivering fingers feel the pin on the dusty grenade.
The one that lies in the highest corner of my mind.

So simple would it be to pull it
but once it is out,
it could never be put back in.
It wouldn't be a grenade any longer.

Would there be an aftermath following the explosion of every emotion
running wild in my brain?

Or would the corner be empty, waiting, to be filled with something new?

A flower could grow from the rubble,
that's the positive thing to say.

It would most likely be worse than a grenade.
An atomic bomb built for pain.

But if you just told me the reason why, you could get out of my head.

You are a body with a grenade attached at the neck
in place of your head.

A surreal image, of course I would pick that.
Of course, that's what you would tell me.

I wouldn't say a word.
Just let my hands touch the weapon,
feel the cold metal of the pin in my palm.

It could be so quick to pull.
So tempting.

Then the reason comes in
and tells me it's best to
let you sit and collect dust.

Enough little gray particles to cover your entirety.
So that I will forget you.

There will always be a time when I'm vulnerable.
I will dust you off a bit to see what you are.

The thoughts will flood back quickly My hand will reach for the split second mass destruction.

Reason will grab my hand
I will crumble into him again.

When you go through something,
and I mean something,
there are people who are there for you.
People who would do anything for you.

A few months pass and you feel better
and I mean it, you do feel better.
But for some godforesakenfuckedup reason
No one will let it go after you already have.

People are scared of your sensitivities that no longer exist,
And I mean it's like you no longer exist
as the same person you were
before going through something.

You are never entirely new and I want you to remember that.
And I mean that you are still you, just changed.

You can't go back but you just have to trudge forward.
And I mean trudge, I mean crawl, I mean drag yourself forward.
You sound crazy to everyone, you will be called crazy
You will stay true to yourself.

Only you can decide if you are crazy.
And I mean everyone is scared of me,
but I am not.

All at once.

You see another person, trying
To explain
What it is they go through.

You take a glance
Then go back
Read it over
And over
Over

When it's over
Truly over
Not the day after
The year after
Or moreover

When you decide
What you did was wrong
Being through it for so long
You wouldn't even want a stranger to live in your situation

Whatever you do, just don't.
Don't you dare waste your time on someone that doesn't love you.

You will come to realize and wonder why you ever did go against your own morals.

Red and white carnations
Red roses and white lilies

A surprise for me
For me
From you

You're a surprise in yourself
An old-fashioned sap

A sap for me
For me
From you

Oh please do forget me and I will forget you.

Forget the nights you held me in your arms,

the nights we laid like spoons with the breath of alcohol on our lips.

Don't remember the way I watch you with your guitar,

I won't remember the notes you played for me.

Erase the memories of every sorry you ever said to me,

because you never were.

Keep the secrets I told you,

until you don't recall who told you to keep them.

Don't look for me in the crowd,

Look for my smile instead.

You won't ever find it.

Please forget who I am.
Because if you do maybe I'll forget you.

To go away with you just one day
just one day.
That's all I ask
To have you
and you and only you
To hear your laugh and listen to your thoughts
Be together only us
And go back
Fall on a bed and just sleep
That's all I ask.

These locks need no keys
Simplicity is the only cipher

It's under our noses
Unnoticed to all

But the few who find the answers
They are not lucky

Instead blessed.

It's so hard
seeing couples
In the summer
At the beach swimming
Sharing lunch
Making breakfast for each other
Driving anywhere
Doing anything
When I can't with you.
I spend days thinking of you
Without you and wanting you
Some days we have our moments
Spending limited hours at a time
Calling and talking to you for an hour
Only to have you preoccupied
Lonely. Conversation scattered
You have the chance to see me for a whole day
But you say next month maybe
You won't
Work is more important than me
You say it's not
Do you see me cry when I hang up
the phone?
"I'm just tired" I say.
It's just hard I think
to stay this superficial against what really tugs at me.
Maybe I'm just selfish
You say you can picture me with someone else spending days with him that I could have someone else. How could you say that? They aren't you,
I shiver.
I just want to be alone with you for a day.
It's hard like stone. When the tears pour. I can't think like this.

"Like never ending?"

I can still feel the presence of your arms around me,
Even after you're gone
The warmth of your hands, your lips
You

I felt whole.
Only me and you existed
In a never ending moment that I want to feel again
For an eternity.

Our hearts beat in time
When time stops
For us.
Just us, with no surroundings.

We are in midair
We are underwater
We are here
There's no need to leave.

I always thought it would be me
That I would get fed up
I would leave.

I never thought that you would be the one to do it,
to make me hurt
I didn't think you would do it.

You said you would always love me
Now it's "I love you but..."
You say "I still love you though."

You wonder if we're just friends
Even though we are so much more
You tell me you don't know if you want to be in a relationship anymore.

I'm trying so hard to save this,
this investment of us is so much
I'm scared and confused.

I don't know how many ways I can tell you, I just want us to stay.

I was talking.
I was falling.
And then I was dreaming.
About you, about me, us.
About life, where I wasn't, where I should be.
Then I was awoken.
Not under the covers.
Not in my bed.
On the cold hard floor.
Where the lights were blinding, shifting, hot.
Where everyone looked at me worried, whispered, stared.
This has happened before.

It's nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing more than a dreamt reality.
Nothing more than a place I wish I never had waken up from
How long will it be until someone wakes me again?

I believe you are truly perfect,
You don't believe in that.

I believe I'm not perfect,
You don't believe in that either.

If to see is to believe,
A parallel universe

Is not ideal.
Selfish hearts,

Dull minds,
Through a mirror of perfections?

In the glass of imperfections,
Settling for the disbelief,

We lay as one.
We are imperfectly perfect.

It was just a dress
But in the moment I knew that it was everything.

A mustard yellow velvet dress
graced my body as I stepped out
with a smile on my face.

My sisters looked at me with excitement

But I turned to you and you did not even look.

My sister called out your name, you said “what?”

It wasn’t just a dress that you didn’t care to see,

it was me.

It seems to me

I'm always left

Here

Just here, standing

A small piece

Of you, for awhile

Happens every time

I'm left here

Waiting for what?

You to come back?

No. Never.

Just waiting to be left again

And again

Here.

to want someone
and then decide not to want them anymore is truly a crime

I was the one you were never
supposed to let go.
I was the one who really ever
cared.
I was there for you whenever
you needed someone

One swift move of the hand and I
am stabbed in the back
Torn and ripping at each seam of my skin
Trying to understand what it is
you really think I did wrong.

I was left here apart
I still care
And as terrible as it is
I would still be there for you

How could I possibly want to restitch this wound
The now seamless free skin
Still hurt but trying to heal with each time
I feel the knife again

You have no idea what you once were to me
I can't believe I actually thought
you cared about me.
Now I realize that you were never there
when I needed someone.

In the midst of this pain, at least I have someone permanent to heal me as you replace what once healed you time after time.

Lost on a beach is where I'd want you to find me.

Walking alone, letting my heart beat it's own pace.

Smiling at the sun, you watch me.

Laughing as I trip in the sand.

Crying underneath the sound of the waves.

Would you hear me?

to put it simply.

Believe it or not love is yours
Not his or hers
Not mine,
Yours

If you love, you love
to put it simply.

The choice is in your hands
Faults are the outcomes
You make,
Decide.

You would know
to put it simply,

If you were really truly in love.
Because it's simple
Feelings aren't.
Until,

You love,
to put it simply.

You surprised me
Roman Holiday, my favorite
We watched
Talked
Felt your lips pressed on mine
Messy tongues
Each movement gliding with ease
Fingertips flutter and slide
And across my cheeks
Eskimo kisses make me blush a lot
Tugging your shirt for fear of letting you go
Are we moving too fast?
Never.
Please don't leave yet.

I felt bad for the lonely, uneaten popcorn.

We're unlucky
So incredibly unfortunate
To find mistletoe
Hanging pretty above our heads
Waiting for that kiss
The one that comes with all the trimmings
Of what Christmas is
Alone
Separated
Wishing
You were next to me
Standing underneath this mistletoe
That now mocks romance at me
Above my head

i have anxiety
undiagnosed.

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with crumpled ***** of paper: the things I never said, the things I should have never said, the things that someone never said to me.

all of these things are written on every piece of paper
there are so many right now that no more would be able to fit
yet i can't stop thinking things, i can't stop saying stupid things, i can't stop wishing things.

i sigh I reach up to my forehead and i grasp my bangs
with my shaky hands and pull

i'm hoping one day when i do this
the top of my head will yank open
all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts
will pour out in a pile
on the floor
i will kneel down
and uncrumple each and every piece
i will read each one
until my head fills up again.

I’ve been telling everyone

I’ve been trying to understand

I cannot even begin to comprehend all of the thoughts that run rampant until 2 am:

I love you.
Or the idea of you, I am unsure.

I hate you.
For what you have done,
I am sure.

I love you.
I would go back to you,
if only you asked.

I hate you.
For who you have become,
I am the only one who asked if
only I could come back.

I love you.
You do not love me.
You will not say it back.

I hate you.
You are the one
You are the one who said
“I love you” first.

I love you.
I am the one to say
“I love you” last.

Memories saved

pictures kept

drawings hidden

loves began

loves lost

everything,

nothing.

No delete button

you can't turn back

instead move forward

once you're gone

you're truly gone.

Everything,

nothing.

Mental illness is not a joke.

I know that to be 100%
You know that I have anxiety.

I know that you hid things from me.
You know that you most certainly had.

Depression is a chokehold.

I know that to be 100%
You know that too late.

I know that I love you.
You know that you do not.

Standing on the shore.

I watch and wait.

What am I waiting for?

Nothing.

Just a moment to come by.

Maybe you.

Nothing.

This is the only time I am patient.

When waiting for nothing.

You might not understand now,

but you will.

Just watch the clouds that slowly dance

in the sky

Watch the sun move down the horizon,

changing rays of color.

Watch the waves flowing swiftly away.

Now you know what I am waiting for.

Nothing.

What happened between us

a moment

wasted time

nervous hearts

confusion that seems to last

longer than it should

Are you confused?

A misunderstanding.

Too many thoughts of you,

It's not fair.

Stress. Anxiety.

Thinking too much,

believing nothing.

Not too sure

about you

what you could possibly be feeling.

How are you not affected?

Awkwardness.

Is it building?

What will happen next?

You're calling shots,

unless there's nothing that happened

in this crime scene.

Unsolved.

Cold nights and nervous bones
Your laugh makes me smile
The parking lot is empty
We are full of tentativeness
Cute awkwardness
This feels right
Like nothing else has before
I feel happy
I blushed a lot.
You're so sweet
You called me gorgeous
We didn't even touch
But it feels like we did.

Runaway,
Feel the pain
Taste the rain
For me.

Catch each drop to wash away
All the moments that we kissed.
You were always sorry,
I was never amused.

Read it through
Drink this
Forget my name,
Please.

Drain your thoughts to your ears,
Let them spill this liquid that thrills
Wait, let me spill my guts to you
So that you can fall harder.

Punch the wall
Bruise your hand
Make marks
For her to see.

Caress her porcelain skin
With your black and blue hands
Abraded and rough, maybe it's enough
But now she thinks you're brave.

Bleeding blisters
Metallic taste
Waste of space
That pretty face.

Tear it to pieces that you can't read
Strokes of wet red for all to see
Just lay back down in the ground
And try to sleep.

I hit my head so hard
it did not crack open.
I fell down every single step
and did not break a single bone.

Am I allowed to fall in love again?
Is it fair? I want it to be.

She smeared on her lipstick
And slammed the door.

There were no tears left for him.
Her eyes were dry and aching.
Waiting for the feeling to rush over her.
Trying to push them out and get this over with.
Again.
Her bright lips trembled.

She walked ahead.
Made no eye contact with anyone that passed.
It was finally over.

make new friends
they'll never know
what it is you've been through
hard to tell
knock down your walls
for fear they'll abandon you.

I want to be what I seem
I want people to know I'm okay
but sometimes I am not.

these present friends
cannot know the past secrets that haunt me
they will judge me
will they be true?

I can't seem to sleep anymore
It's because of you
You know that
I imagine the shape  
Of your body beside mine
Warming and unexplainable
The way it feels as I lay
Curled up beside you
But not really.
I'm alone with the empty shape
Of your body beside mine
Cold and explainable
The way it feels as I lay
Because I'm curled up, not beside you
I'm sleeping without you
and I can't seem to sleep anymore.

Snow falls
Over his eyes
Powdered
Cold skin
Hard to the touch

Each flake that falls
He sees her
Differently
What she became
Who she was

He spreads his arms and legs
Gives in to what's beneath
Sinks in
Shudders Erupt from inside
His heart feels like imploding

So his eyes close
They open
Warmth creeps over
She is next to him
They melt

Only one snow angel was there.

We'll drive
Stare out the window
And sing
to each other
Eat terrible food
and laugh
with one another
Gallivant around antique shops
and dream
of life together.

We'll reach the final destination
throw our suitcases
on the bed of our
cheap motel
and kiss passionately
wherever.