in the afterbreaths of ardor
there is something lingering
hanging in the air
creeping on my tongue
floating in my mouth
waiting at the edge of my vocal chords
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

I want to say it so badly
the taste is in my saliva
tingling from my tongue to my lips
swallowing the words before they escape
tensing my jaw along with the thought
clinging on to the phrase
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

it travels down my spine
never ceasing to leave me
crawling down each vertebrae
shivering my entire being
collapsing this sense of self
gripping on to me for good
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

in a harsh breath
the words exit quickly
breaking through the barrier
existing outside of my head
opening a new realm in the moment
echoing into the air: "I'm falling in love with you."

I spent the weekend in a city
With a friend, I was so happy
I come back and the excitement is vanishing quicker than you

The second I come home late
I am alone again
I am alone again
I am alone again

When will these feelings leave
I wish they would have left with you or quicker than you

The emotions overwhelm me
I am crying again
I am crying again
I am crying again

I have these moments of happiness and then they disappear quicker than you

When will it be enough, I just want to say
I am alive again
I am alive again
I am alive again

Once you stop looking for what you need,
It looks for you instead.
It finds you there
On the side of the street
With a look of defeat
But also regret
Somehow it knows you are prepared
For what's next
You haven't really lost
Just not yet finished.
Still learning
But have learned.
From mistakes some people like to call
Experience.

You always do.
When could I ever get the chance
I'm not allowed to worry about you.
All I want to do.
But I guess that's not right
Letting me take care of you.

It’s weird how time passes
Like how it was going to be your last show before you went away
And I didn’t go

But now I’m here and you’ve been back
We’re dating different people
I love him, you do not love her
But I know you think I look pretty tonight

And here I am bopping along to the song
I had heard in the studio that I thought was too repetitive
Waiting for the song you’ll never write about me

You placed your hand on the small of my back. A spot I’d thought no one would fit. My hand gripped your waist almost for fear of losing you. The world surrounding us seemed to disappear. It was only me and you in that moment. A tear now shed. I believed in anything in that moment. Cold-hearted. Young. Unsure of what was right in society. When your hand released me, I was hurt. Seconds later you brought it back again along with that moment. I’ll long for that moment every time I seem to fall for someone. Maybe a moment that could last a lifetime. A moment that could be destroyed by no one because it was finally meant to be. How could you fall in love so many times and fall in the trap of that moment?

Tell me how it feels to hide and bury your feelings so deep that only lies come out of your mouth,

to be dishonest and disloyal under the surface, yet appear so humble,

to manipulate someone into giving you everything you want while giving nothing in return,

to be loved by someone and throw them away without speaking to them,

to be so afraid that you cannot speak the truth but can still pretend that you are brave.

Tell me how it feels to carry the agenda of a sad man who has no heart in the empty cavity of his chest.

One hand in the air
fingers outstretched
What is he reaching for?
No one holds his hand
as he is pulled in
the depths of 2 wide doors
men in suits roll him in
towards safety?
lights flash
I come closer
his hand
I want to wrap my fingers around his
he'll know
he can reach
like a child
who reaches for his mother's hand
the cookie jar, his favorite toy, the slight fear that turns into success
that fear becomes reality
he'll never reach.

You
Create an eclipse in my mind
Words cannot form
Yet I'm so alive
Make me so silent

You
Next to me
Our hearts are magnetic
They gravitate towards each other
Make my heart beat in rhythm with yours

You
Torture my heart
Tugging and pulling
Melting into you
Make me want you more

You
Look at me
Look into me
There you go again
Make me love you

Let's sit here awhile
Talk about the past
Dream of the path
I need life balanced

More importantly I need you

When my head is full
Of things unsaid
My bed is empty
Eye won't close

The visuals and memories in these lids

Until I'm with you
Walking with locked arms
Dancing for no one
But ourselves

Raining down on each other.

the night was hot and sticky
the kind where you don't want to be touched
guitar chords were ringing through us
my lips stayed shut

an mmm erupted from you
it crawled out of your throat
into my ears and down my spine
I'm wishing I could float

did you see the feeling in my face change?
i tried my best to stay
stone cold statue  
blood hot beside you
afraid of what you'd say

but i wanted you to touch me
right then and right there,
or even just to put your arm around me
instead of this feeling beside you here

sweat upon sweat
without feeling any heat
the tingle and the tension
our bodies surrender
under the pressure
lost of any prevention

Finally.

the last few notes leave the room pulsing,
and we are sighing.

I torture you
I torture myself
With "I love you"
And "I'm sorry"

But if we were to stop the torture
It would be like the silence at a funeral
Right before the tears spill from the eyes.

I would be found in the coffin
You before me kneeling.

You see, I cannot live without you
So every I love you and every single I'm sorry is how I live.

Live by torture.

To see you
Next to me under the covers,
Breathing sweetly beside me
I must be dreaming.
Your eyes are closed gently
Chest rises and falls nicely.
I wonder what goes on behind those eyelids.
All of that worry and frustration can't interrupt you now.
My fingers trace your skin
Like soft snowflakes falling.
You are so amazing.
Your body is warm
Just for me.
I fit in right here
So perfectly.
The happiest girl
I am
Just to see you
Sleeping with me.

The moon's still full
it shines so bright
I wish you were with me
Here, tonight
To fall asleep with
And hold me tight
Until those golden eyes close
To say goodnight

I'll heal your pain
Make you feel right
Always I'll be your guiding light.

You thought you had me
Like your little secret
A key hidden under your wing.

Until I found it.
Swallowed it whole.
It first ripped my heart open, then it was smooth all the way down.


You are spastic, confused.
Your key is lost.
You're too late.

You haven't realized
Keys aren't needed
To open these locks.

You say you miss me, how can this be true?
Everything just leads back to you.

I thought I was trying something else.

Instead I found myself talking
To you.
For 2 hours.

Laughing, joking, talking about things that matter.
Life.

And you know it's true that I miss you.
My sarcasm doesn't sound convincing.

Unfortunately I cannot truly say I am over you

it's not true, you know it too.
You know me too well, it's too true.

Your believable stupid lies
I was stupid to believe.

Your eyes follow me across a room
Across a room I follow you.

Pathetic. Regret it. Forget it.

I can't.

I'm under you.

I always have this fear
It hides underneath
In between my ribs
Reminding me it's there
It tugs in my chest
It whispers up through my throat
To my vocal chords
To the outside of my lips
And in front of my eyes
Looking directly through me
Making everything vanish in my mind
I startle awake and
It's you.

Like a *****
Grinding into the depths of the left hand corner of my brain.
My left not yours.
Scrunched
Is all feeling
Like a piece of paper in a crumbly ball with the folds creased in.
Potentially waiting to see if I will be undone.
Unfolded and put out straight with rough hands that slide up and down my body to make me feel 'new' again.
Smoothing my corners that are twisted in little points with delicate fingers to attempt and make me soft again.
Looking me up and down.
Reading between the lines.
Closely examining my faded parts and dipping a pen, carefully slowly yet swiftly with a stroke of a wrist, filling me in.
Rewriting what has been written on me with a different hand. Shaking and nervous as you go over the closing of me,
the words that say 'love,' and pulling out your white out to brush off the name beneath those words.
And finally inscribe your own name over it.
Put the letter back into my brain and ***** me up again.

Why do I keep thinking of you

It doesn't matter anymore, I shouldn't like you

I hate you, yet for some reason thoughts of you lurk in my mind

We were friends, now what? Nothing?

What happened between us, only we know

Actually only you, I'm still confused

It wasn't that long

A summer wasted

I fell in a trap

Caught in what was seemingly untrue

And you.

What could possibly drift in your head?

Do you ever think of me, will you ever?

Everyone knows nothing

No one knows who you are exactly

What thoughts race through you

They don't understand you

Nether do I.

You told me, and I told you a lot.

You listened, you remembered even.

Now what?

Do you still ever think of me

Like I do of you?

Waves crash like this,
Building force of water
Grinding in pattern-like motion
Pushing bodies up towards the surface
Gasping for air
Crashing into reality
Where the ocean meets the sky
Feeling the surroundings
then
Settling
Like a decrescendo
Shaking out evenly
Leaving with a fear
Of what comes next
But we all know
It will be a wave that crashes
Differently,
But like this.

Not really.
Well sort of.
We watch for a few minutes.
Until...
We think the same thing.
You look at me
I at you
We smile in unison
Gravitate towards each other
Then the real movie starts.

We watch the end,
I go towards the door.

"Just one more?"
"You don't have to ask twice."

"How was the movie?"
Oh dear.

Why is it that winter
portrays darkness, a death upon the Earth?
Sorrow, Mourning, and Melancholy
But if only we could see

Microscopic are these flakes that fall
so gently and not one of them alike
You catch one in your hand
delicate, it melts

Is that what leaves you feeling sad?
Just think, together each of these snowflakes
Blanket the earth and caress branches of trees that have no leaves left to bare;
they sink into the earth and into our bones

Is that what leaves your feelings cold?
Looking out our warm houses we see the sparkling white
We hear not but a sound
All is at peace. It is silent.

Is that what leaves you lonely?
This desolate, lovely new place the earth has been crested with
Soft but cold to the touch, beautiful but vacant
Distinct snowflakes to blame.

What feeling are you left with then?

I don't think you realize how many times I've been hurt.
Really hurt.
Like the first scrape of summer,
when you fall off your bike.
Until you've done it so much,
you feel numb.
You know the pain is still there.
You don't want to know though.
Toughing it out takes time.
There's no band-aid for the blood shed.
And no one to kiss it and make it better,
because it's not supposed to hurt anymore.
So you stand up the next time you fall,
bruised
torn
broken.
For everyone to see.
But can you really have bravery,
for ignoring the pain?

The world is swirling around me.
Spiraling.
No.
I am the one spinning. Dazed and dizzy.
Whispers of my name become louder until they reach the top of the crescendo.
From you.
This isn't a dream.
I wake up to see you next to me.
You laugh, smile and touch my nose with your finger.
Why is this the way it has to be?
I am hidden in your hurricane.
You call me when you want.
When you want to fall in love with me instead.
I listen because you take me out of the hurricane.
You find and pluck me out only to throw me back in
this twirling madness later.
I wish I controlled the weather.