we stopped saying goodnight
and i couldn't sleep anymore

because you fed my soul
it is empty now

i never learnt how to swim
yet here i am
with my head under water
and my clothes soaking wet

hoping
that the sea is more honest
with those who are willing to drown

you were the first one to look at me
as if i really was someone
worth looking at

for 2018
i wished so many things
i wished
2018
would bring me joy
would bring me love
would bring me luck
and only during 2018
i understood
that a year
can't bring you
what you wished for

so this 2019
i don't wish the year to bring me something,
i wish myself
to bring it

i wish myself
to bring me a smile
whenever the world feels heavy
i wish myself
to bring me warmth
wherever i'll be at
i wish myself
to bring me love
to give to me first

i wish myself
a year
better than the last was

i like
how space doesn't care
about me

at least
it is impossible
to disappoint
the sun

my therapist tells me
i should get rid of everything that's toxic in my life
however, i can't give up on you
since out of all the pain i feel
the one you cause
is the sweetest

tonight
i'm drowning and you're drinking
you think i don't know that
you think i'm busy on my own
when actually i'm busy with you

you're drinking and you like it
the reason why we never drank together
is that you drink to enjoy
whereas i drink to forget

you live your perfect life
of which we pretend i was still a part
but in fact we both know that's not true
since you have no idea about me
and i have no idea about you

we lost us somewhere on the way
changing our childhood into being adults
our path split because you headed forward
when i was too scared to walk

now i'm drowning and you're drinking
and i know i shouldn't think of you
because you won't think of me
but oh hell,
how much do i miss the way we used to be

i drank you
as my cure

when maybe the whole time
you have been the poison

what if
we had talked more
what if
we had tried harder
what if
we had loved purer

would i then
have been good enough?

i would tear off my limbs
crawl in front of you
bow my head
and ask

- what more can i give you

and i would cut out my eyes
find my way to you
bow my head
and ask

- what more can i give you

and i would rip out my heart
serve it on a plate
bow down
and ask

- what more can i give you

no matter what you requested next
you would get it
and if you’d requested my life
i would be the happiest
to give it to you
to give it to the person
who owns
my body
heart and
soul

we kissed
in the rain

and while the raindrops
were stroking my face
together with your fingers
that followed their trace

i felt a love
i’ve never felt before
a love
both so overwhelming
yet so pure