I waited too long
For a call I didn't need
To wake up
Happy

I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't and I cannot shake the devil on my shoulder, whispering evil, dead things in my ears. Each day the devil feeds on my despair and grows heavier than me, than my will to live, than the weight of the world.
I bend under the weight and wonder how long until I break.
I wonder who will win.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
You.
You who?
Only you.
I run circles and get lost in the universe.

All the memories are like ghosts hiding behind doors, threatening to leap out and destroy me once again.
They wander aimlessly along the corridors, wondering what was the point of creating such beautiful things if it wasn't to cherish them.
They wander and talk to me, tell me to look at the couch, the chair, the hall, the places you sat by me and told me things I cannot think about anymore.
I avoid your house at all cost, yet I spend so much time coming up with reasons to step in.
I keep my ghosts locked in a prison my heart designed especially for you.
Whenever I visit it, tears come out and say hello, hi, I'm sorry, those memories are beautiful, why are they caged in?
I have to swallow hard and explain I cannot let them roam freely in my twisted mind.
I have to hold my heart in because it threatens to jump from my chest and into a black hole.

Those nights are the hardest on me.

You only realize what you had until it's gone.
But I think... what is worse is the sound of their rejection like a knife in your jugular.
Remove the blade and watch yourself bleed out.
How are you supposed to remove a knife and feel nothing?
You ache and yet you let it happen because it is what they want.
I spent days denying the obvious.

I guess soft spots make for better bullet wounds.

It didn't take you long to pull the trigger.

"If you weren't in love with someone else I would be chasing you like the sun chases the moon, but there is no point in chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught. So for Christmas, I am letting you go."
I had held on to bonds that he had severed weeks ago.
Those bonds meant the world to me and nothing to him.
I needed to let things go, once and for all.
My nightmares were not worse than reality.
I wonder if death is like an eternal dream.

"There is something funny about recalling a warm memory", I say. She looks up and shrugs. She doesn't understand. Of course she doesn't understand. It is a foreign language to her, the language of defeat. The language of someone who has lost everything and who must share their despair with the winner of a fight they did not know they were losing. My eyes fall upon the middle pillow we had used to separate our bodies in the night.
There is something funny about recalling a warm memory and feeling utterly cold.
I tighten my scarf around my neck.

She is different, you know?
She shines a brighter light
She smiles a brighter smile
She is like the Sun,
Everything revolves around her.
Seasons change because of her and I fall in love like I fall for autumn
Every winter she makes hot chocolate for two even though she is alone because
The idea
Of sharing yet another Christmas by
Herself
Is too painful.
She pours it in a cup and let it sit by her side.
She imagines someone will walk through the door and sit by her side.
She imagines he will smell the beverage and
Smile
At
Her
She imagines someone will walk through the door and care.
She bakes cookies for four and gives them away to people with a smile.
But she smiles and somehow I can see it is broken.
Her smile is broken.
Her laugh is empty.
She is different, you know?

I need a place to be alive;
In all the countries I have visited,
None yet
Seem to host a human like me
I could love and feel
Alive with.

A chaque fois que tu rentres de bonne heure,
Mon coeur se remplit de Bonheur.
Tu illumines nos soirées monotones,
Tu nous fais rire avec tes blagues, même si elles redondonnent.
Avec toi on ne s'ennuie jamais,
On parle, on crie, on s'échange des secrets.
Tu n'hésites pas à nous faire des câlins,
Même quand tu t'en vas de bon matin.
On n'aime pas te voir partir si ****,
On préfère quand tu restes dans le coin.
La Russie, c'est comme le bout du monde,
Heureusement que tu n'es pas James Bond!
On aime te voir à la maison,
Avec tes pyjamas troués et ta barbe de bison.
Même pas peur quand tu vas chez le coiffeur,
On connaît ta tête de pomme par cœur!
On a beau se plaindre de ton penchant pour les sucreries,
Il faut avouer qu'un peu de graisse, c'est aussi confortable qu'un lit.
Même si tu trempes ton pain au fromage dans ton café,
Nous, on a même pas peur de t'embrasser.
On a toujours hâte que tu reviennes,
Même si ca ne fait pas une heure que tu es parti.
Ne t'inquiètes pas on restera les mêmes,
On sera toujours là pour te faire des guilis.
T'es le roi des bisous, t'es le roi des Papas,
On t'aimera toujours, même si tu manges du chocolat!

The butterfly doesn't know
Fragile for a day
Dead for eternity

Mon Papy.
Mon Papy n'a jamais eu de poème,
Afin de lui faire comprendre à quel point je l'aime.
J'ai donc le devoir de rectifier cette erreur,
Qui, depuis quelques temps, ronge mon coeur.
Depuis que je suis petite, tu m'as fait découvrir la belle vie,
Apprendre à faire du vélo sur deux roues en fait partie.
Tu m'as montré comment jouer aux boules,
Et comment orienter mon cerf-volant pour qu'il s'envole plus haut.
Tu m'as fais goûter le meilleur miel du monde,
Celui que tu allais chercher dans ta combinaison de super-héro.
Moi je pensais que tu étais James Bond,
Tu me disais, "ca roule, ma poule",
Comme si tu n'avais peur de rien,
Même pas des oies qui nous courraient après dans le jardin.
Avec toi je joue au scrabble et aux petits chevaux,
Tu gagnes toujours haut la main, et on ne peut s'empêcher de crier "Bravo!"
Je me souviens de nos soirées Fort Boyard et Koh-Lanta,
Rien de mieux qu'un bon feu, une famille réunie, et du chocolat.
T'avoir dans ma vie est un cadeau de chaque seconde,
Parfois j'aimerai le crier sur le toit du monde,
Pour qu'ils sachent tous la chance que j'ai,
D'avoir un papy comme toi, que je suis si fière d'aimer.
Même **** de toi je te sens près de moi,
Tu réchauffes mon cœur avec des sourires.
Tu sais bien qu'avec toi je ne peux que rire.
Tu m'aides à donner le meilleur de moi-même,
Tu sais bien que ta fierté fait la mienne.
Dans ma tête tes chansons résonnent avec clarté,
De la souris verte à la claire fontaine,
Ta voix berce mes souvenirs chaque jour,
Et mon angoisse disparaît dès que j'en entends les contours.
Mon sourire apparaît dès que je pense à toi,
Et mon cœur se remplit automatiquement de joie.

Tu es mon paradis perdu
Je n'ais decouvert ta valeur
Que lorsque tu as disparu
Je te regrettes
Chaque jour depuis

You are my paradise
You are my up, never my down
You were...

You are my paradise lost
My eden lost to ashes
Ever since
You've been gone

The times we had
The good outruns
The bad

I used to think I would be alone forever
I used to believe it would be all right
It took me a year to realize
Nothing is that easy
And though loneliness is easier to deal with than other people
Nothing is more gratifying than a group of friends
A run with your peers
A long discussion with your flatmate
Nothing beats company
Nothing at all

Pimple
You have won the battle
But you will not win the war
I will remove you from my face
Where you think you own the place

Ma sœur n'est pas un cachalot ordinaire,
Elle ne se met presque jamais en colère.
Depuis que je suis née,
Elle et moi sommes liées.
Elle me plantait son doigt dodu dans la joue,
Et je pleurais parce qu'elle me prenait pour son joujou.
Nous avons fais de nombreux voyages,
Et ensemble nous n'avons jamais été sages.
A l'arrière de la voiture on se léchait la tête,
Bien qu'à chaque fois qu'on voyageait, c'était jour de fête.
On se léchait les mains graisseuses de Cheetos au fromage, c'était le pied!
Et on chantait à tue-tête du Jennifer, Najoua Belyzel et Jesse McCartney.
Comme toutes les sœurs on se chamaille, on se bat,
Mais au fond, on sait bien que ce n'est que du cinéma.
On se soutient, on partage nos secrets,
Et quand l'une est triste, l'autre sait toujours comment la réconforter.
Les kilomètres entre nous ne nous effraient même pas,
L'avion, le bus, la voiture, le train, le bateau, rien ne nous séparera.
Ma grande sœur est tout ce que j'aime,
Et c'est pourquoi je lui dédis ce poème.
J'ai peur de ne jamais faire les choses bien,
Et parfois j'oublie l'amour dont elle a besoin,
Mais je ne pourrai jamais lui faire du mal,
J'ai trop besoin d'elle, elle est mon petit soleil.
Je sais bien qu'elle me surveille de ****,
Et ne t'inquiètes pas, bientôt, je serai dans le coin.

We do not stick together.
Two pieces of a puzzle and I am the missing piece.
But you are already entertwined, you do not realize I am the
Missing Piece.

You and I were impossible
An equation
With no resolution
A drop of rain
In the desert
We were impossible
Like the sight of snow
Over the ocean
Beautiful but
A natural impossibility
You and me
We could not have come closer to being
One
Possible equation
Everything screamed at me to hold on to you
While
Every fiber of your being roared to get away
And I don't want to chase you around
My mind is in quarantine
All the smiles you gave me are under lock and key
They way you looked at me is buried deep
In the corner of the prison my heart created for moments like this
It hurts too much to be betrayed and you cannot roam freely in my head
What is one more cell in my prison-clad heart
Everything is hidden or taken away from me
My heart knows I am too emotional
I cannot stand the memories without crumbling
Although you bring colours in my world of darkness
When you invade my mind all is stained of your departure

I wanted to yell out my feelings for you, get up on stage and profess my eternal love for the soul your body hosts. But she would always be around you, guarding you from people who only wanted to love you right.
So I found other ways to be with you.
In the silence I found ways to love you louder than I ever thought was possible.
The little smiles on my face when you said something I thought was funny.
The longing glances at your profile when you weren't looking, memorizing all of you in the corners of my head.
Furtive eye contacts to remember what it felt like to drown in you.
The one hug a night I get to give you when I see you under the pretence it is what I do to everyone. I do it to everyone because I want to do it to you, not the other way around.
Writing letters after letters after letters I will never send you.
I loved you quietly, so quietly, you never noticed.

It's funny how dreams turn out sometimes
You wake up and suddenly
It's not a dream anymore.
You are awake, but the dream lingers…

Rule out stress
Pick me a dress
Preen my disheveled hair
Give me no air
I want to breathe your skin
Listen to the steady beat
Of a racing beat
Meant for the girl who left you
Years ago on a ***** road

C'est le genre de douleur que l'on désire,
Le genre qui nous manque quand elle n'est pas là.
Celle qui fait mal,
Mais que l'on regrette lorsque l'on s'en va,
Et que l'on passe notre vie à espérer ressentir.
C'est le genre de douleur que je garde en moi,
Que j'entretiens chaque jour un peu,
En lisant les lettres que jadis tu m'envoyais,
A la lueur d'une bougie,
Les nuits où je me sens seule.

We were a ***** little secret
Hidden under the sheets
Under the quilt
Holding hands was a forbidden rule
Unspoken voice that would keep
Us from getting too close
My world exploded in thousands of colours
And millions of endless smiles when you
Felt my hand brushing yours
And broke the law
For a touch of my hand
A glimpse of a future we
Could have
Our hands holding like tomorrow
Would never wake us up from that dream
When morning came it forgot to claim
The memory of us from my lovesick brain
I still live in the dream we created
Yet I know all that has been wasted
When you woke up and looked at me
It was only a friend you saw in me

He was never scared, back then
He was a fighter ready to jump into the battle
And nothing could break him
He was invincible
Unstoppable
He was never scared, back then
But that's only because
He didn't have anything to fight for

The day she appeared in his life
He knew she was the love of his life
He would have gone anywhere with her
He would have done anything for her
And as he gets back up again
Beaten and bloodied
She beats him down again
Barely breathing
And
Anything can break him
She is invincible
Unstoppable

She's crushing his heart in her hands
She doesn't have anything to live for
Anymore

I know things you'll never know
I know how my heartbeat stops when I lie in bed
I know the smiles on my family's face when I tell a joke
I know the breaths I hear in the silence aren't mine to waste
I hold my breath
And look around
Waiting for angels to appear
They said,
Hold your breath and watch the angels
Suffocation is the only way
To see things you would never even- in your wildest dreams-
Open your eyes to an alternate reality
Gag your mouth and tie the knot
Wait
Just
…
Wait
…
Can you hear?
Your heartbeat?
In your throat?
The angels are rising from the dead
They come to visit you
Will they take you?
Will they help you… out?
Can you hear?
Your heartbeat?
Is running out of… time?

I am ashamed of what I did for
                                            Your attention
                    My skin did not deserve
                              All those

B
     l
         o
              o
                   d
                         y
                                               



  *scars

I saw the scars on your face
The same as the ones on my heart
So obvious people struggle to ignore it
One on the side of your hairline
The other only revealed when you smiled
Broken hearts and broken skin
The only thing left is
Scar tissue
Tender to the touch, phantom limb and dreadful nightmare
You never bothered to hide them out of sight
Neither did I
I guess we bonded
Over scar tissue.

Choking on emptiness
When you need someone so much
When you wish to hold them so much
But they're so far away
And your heart…
It constricts with longing and fear and love and you miss them so much
And you're not complete when they are
Absent.
Absent is awful
They are alive, they are somewhere but
They are not with you
They are present somewhere you are not
And it breaks my heart because she is absent from my life
But present in somebody else's
It's a choice they made
A priority they took
And you didn't win.
Once again you're at the back
And you're nobody's precious person
You have no one to be present for
You have no one to be absent from
You are just here
For yourself.