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I believe a lot of people lie about liking being alone.
No one really wants to be alone.
It's a way to protect oneself, not a way to live.
It's a statement.
Being alone says:
"I can handle myself, I can take care of myself."
But it also means:
"I have nothing to hold on to.
I have no on to care about.
I am lonely.
I am hiding it, but I need rescuing.
I appear like I seek loneliness
But I am fooling each and everyone of you.
I am only seeking company."
I try to be the girl I want to be
Everyday I try
Everyday I find out I can't
Not because I don't want to
Because I'm missing something.
Something inside of me is twisted
And this twisted aprt is in hiding
Wishing for me to stop looking

I'm a little bit twisted
In the way I talk, the way I act
But my heart is full and overloaded
Every cell in our body is recreated every seven years
But my heart doesn't get to recreate
Because everything inside of it is still
Still as a lake
Not moving, almost dead
Waiting

I'm a little bit twisted
In the way I hope, the way I dream
And my head is full of doubt
Wondering if, in seven years,
My heart will get to burst open
Seven years to be alive
Seven years to start over
Seven years to heal
Seven years to untwist myself.
There are so many shadows on the planet.
The ones of the living, bodiless, moving along, appreciating the complicated road the humans are taking to enjoy each beat of their heart. But then there are others.
Shadows inside of those who live.
Hiding beneath the flesh lies an empty carcass of what used to be the poem of a life yet to be lived. Hiding beneath lies a ruined soul waiting to be picked up by death. You do not always recognize those who have died inside. They know how to put up a front, but… the inside is rotten and empty and sad and destroyed and I wonder how you can possibly live a life like that.
The real question, though… is how that happens? How do you die inside? Does it happen all at once?
Someone tells you they do not love you anymore, and everything goes through you, your heart, your soul, your happiness, everything vital just crushes down and breaks all over the floor in an invisible flood of despair that swallows your entire being?
Or is it done slowly, almost imperceptibly? You go through the motions, you smile and laugh, but somehow, the laugh empties itself out, as if, suddenly, you only had one reserve that would never replenish. The reserve runs out and the laugh is empty. The smile faints into a neutral expression, and then it's gone, too. The rest follows the same path. After a while, every gesture, every word, every look is empty. But the change is so subtle, almost natural. And no one notices. And you are the last one to leave. Your body is a shadow and you are gone.
"As good as dead".
She
She
She looks at him like you never looked at me
I gaze longingly while you struggle to get away
After all,
You never promised me you would stay.
She loved you but you loved someone else
She cared for you but you cared for someone else
She only wanted to matter to you
She was not desperate for your attention
Just for a little smile
A little care
She didn't know life like you did
She was stuck in the middle of a war
At home she would put her arms around herself
A bundle of pain
A burden of desperation
To disappear she would go to sleep
Only to wake up to cries and shouts
Of madness
And anger
She would wake up to fists and blood
Raining on her like the apocalypse
She would try to disappear
With blades and tears
Dig up her grave to reappear on the other side
Untouched
I think a part of her will always be waiting for you
For you to save her from the monsters
Save her from the nightmares
Because she…
… she loved you so much but you…
…you loved someone else.
Love is a weapon and you shot me twice
Once when you looked my way
Once when you turned away
I went through all the steps

I selected the songs
Carefully (you can never be too careful with song lyrics)
I added them to a brand new playlist
Called it, Pour Toi
Thoughtfully (French has always been between you and I)
I found a memory stick and
The playlist was there, in my pocket, for a week
When we went to the beach
When I came for the birthday
When we had our last lunch
The playlist was there, in my pocket, for a week

I went through all the steps
Save for the
Last
One.
I wanted to be selfish.
I wanted to give it to you.
Instead I was selfless.
I wanted you happy more than I wanted you with me.

*I wonder when those songs will stop playing you in my mind
When my voice doesn't rise to face the silence
...
It rings empty
I cannot say goodbye
I have learnt to bow my head and stay silent
The silence is killing me
But if death is the price to pay for courage
I will accept my sentence in silence
I will plead with God
I will hope for the best
But I will stay silent

I cannot speak the words I long to say
I cannot be the person I loathe
I cannot act against my beliefs
I cannot
I will not
But the silence is killing me

I want to climb on top of a mountain
With you
I want to climb into your arms
At night
I want to be your person and for you to be
Mine
When I opened my mouth to speak
I was faced with silence
And it was the loudest cry
I have ever heard.
"It's like they will give you an answer", she whispered to the universe. "Like each star sings to you in another language. You may not understand, but you stay and listen to their quiet voices, knowing there is a solution." She trembled, moving to hold herself. She shook her head and let out a little laugh. "See, that's why I'm not one hundred percent happy. When I need someone to hold me, I'm the only one around."
I am tired
Of all the *******
Tired
Of watching myself in the mirror everyday
And think
"I'm not enough"
"It's not enough"
"I'm never enough"
Not skinny enough
Not small enough
Not gracious enough
Not funny enough
Not fit enough
Not beautiful enough
Not not not not not enough
Never enough
I want to dance in my underwear
And not care
About the size of my thighs
Of my *******
Of my ***
About the skin of my stomach
About the fact I'm not starving myself to feel pretty
Society succeeded
I feel like all I'm ever thinking of is weight
"Why do I eat that?"
"Why do you eat that? Do you want to be fat?"
Guilty
Of being human
Of craving sugar when women are
Expected
To eat
Air and
Grass
I'm not a cow
Why do you try to make me feel like one?
I'm
Tired
Of being taught to show off my shaved legs
And my flat stomach
And my flat *******
And my flat ***
Why are you doing this to us?
Why do I feel the need to dress like a *****?
And walk like a *****?
And act like a *****?
And not feel offended when I feel hands on me
Pushing at my clothes
Trying to see more
When all I want is dance and have a good time?
You teach me to show off skin
To starve my body
And you blame me when I get ***** in a corner
For being a ****
I'm just brainwashed
Like every other girl
Surrounded
By
Pictures
Videos
Slogans
Models
Guys
Who make fun of normal?
And ask
And request
And order
A skinny version of me, invisible me, size 00 me
Why can't I be myself?
And eat chocolate cake when I feel like it?
Why do I feel forced to eat a salad?
Why do I feel judged?
What is wrong with you
Making me feel less than I am
Worse than I look
Ugly when I'm not?
What is wrong with you
Making us throw up our lunches
And skip dinner
Wait for death to pick our boneless bodies up
When all we truly want is to be
Loved
Accepted
As we are.
I shouldn't feel bad looking at myself
I should feel bad looking at what Society tries to teach us
And feel ashamed that Humanity is Society
And Society is only what we made of it.
You told me to smile at defeat and I
Had never understood why
Until you
The idea of us gets blurred each day a bit more
When reality slaps its ugly truth
Onto my pattern of ideas
Smears the colours all over
Ruining the landscape I tried to paint
A future as bright as the sun
With no clouds on the horizon
Turned to a rainstorm
With no light in my field of vision
Lucky I like to stand in the rain
In the space of two hours the Earth rotated
The moon moved from one side of my window to the other
Yet I am still waiting for you to come to me.
If planets can still move,
If the sun still shines somewhere
If people love and if glass breaks
If she stares at me and realizes I am dying
If I still write and write and write until my mind is empty
If I hear people around me
If laughter is part of someone's routine
If you go out and feel the air around you
If you close your eyes and darkness surrounds you
If the world goes round and the day rises
If it rains and the tears melt on my face
If I can still stand up and walk away
Leaving my heart on the sidewalk
Where you punched me in the gut
Said
I'm sorry
Meant
I need you to never call me again
If I can walk away from the ****** scene
And not collapse
Or drown in my tears
Then perhaps I can still smile
And wave you goodbye
As you walk away.
I cannot believe how easy for you it was
To wrap your hand around my heart
Like a snake with a vicious grip
You're holding me tight
And the venom you spread in me
Is a poison I have tasted before
Sweet and addictive it turns to acid
When withdrawal hits and you run away
All I will be left with is regret,
The firm print of hope against my soul,
The cold shadow of hopelessness following my steps,
And the words you said
That made me laugh once
But make me cry now
I cannot believe how easy for you it was
To release me and slither away
As if I never mattered at all
As if I never existed at all
I cannot believe how easy for you it was
To look me in the eyes and make me forget
About the ******* smile spread on your face
You wrapped your hand around my innocent heart
Like a snake with a vicious grip
You're holding me tight
Tempting my mind, torturing my soul
You play make-believe
I believe it all
And the venom you spread in me
Is a poison I have tasted before
In the sinful touch of your silky skin
I go mad with desire
Pandora's box begs to be opened
When you ******* fingers and bring them to your lips I for…
…get the taste of blood in the wine you give me
I ignore the way my mind empties out when you twine your body around me
I cannot remember if you already bite me
Sweet and addictive your drug turns my insides to acid
Bloodshot eyes and ruined smile
When withdrawal hits and you slide away
All I will be left with is guilt,
The firm print of doubt against my soul,
The cold shadow of hopelessness following my steps,
And the words you said
That made me laugh once
But make me cry now
Quieting my instinct was a wrong move
You jumped on me like a bird of prey
Envelopped my feelings in red silk
You offered me an antidote in form of riddle
Out of three only one will save me
Oh, the cruelty of the game you play
In my head your name tastes like Heaven
But in truth I know it's a disguise
For your species was born in Hell
A special place to disrupt my abused mind
From the corner of your smile I can tell
You fed me the illusion of paradise
But my veins are light up with your toxic love
As I fall to the ground
Gasping for a last breath
I cannot believe how easy for you it was
To release me and slither away
As if I never mattered at all
As if I never existed at all
It was so long ago
I still remember
The feel of your lips against mine
The taste of your soul
Against my bare heart
Lay down on the ground
Like a holly spirit
I will wash in the sun of your face
Until my mouth doesn't form words anymore
I am a shadow
Following your love
With the tip of my tongue I
March towards the light
Die when I hear your name
In someone else's voice I
Die everyday a beautiful death
Where I lay in the warm sand
And feel the water lick at my toes
Taking my form and adjusting to make me feel whole
But the hole you digged into my chest is deeper
Deeper than a black hole
Deeper than the universe
Washing over me with the force of the waves I
Die a million deaths
To be with you again I
Drown into the sea
Drown into the oceans of the tears I shed
When you told me you wouldn't stay with me
When you told me you didn't love me
Anymore
I am nothing
Anymore
I am not the sun sky universe anything at all I am
A chapter
In the book of your life
Turn the page and I disappear
Once a word carved in stone
Now the past of letters combined together but
I am an ocean
And I seep through the pages
Inking my way down the chapters of your life I
Am alive in your dreams
Your nightmares but I am still

Alive.
Life is always prettier when I have someone to think of.
Life has been prettier since I met you.
Everything about you shine, and it sparkles on me, making me blush every time.
You sprinkle love on my heart, like snow on the earth.
When you smile, my heart blooms.
Butterflies keep flying in my stomach.
Lightheaded, that’s how I feel whenever you’re around,
You stole my heart heavy of love.
I wish I could keep it inside my chest.
I wish I wouldn’t stutter over words.
I wish I could think properly.
It’s what you do to me.
You’re the thief and I’m the victim.
Oh so lovely prey.
A beating heart. Fluttering for you.
No one else makes it rush like that.
Oh so lovely thief.
What if I say I love you?
What if I say you made my life worth living again?
You’re the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.
You’re the one.
Life is so much easier when I think about you.
Oh how I wish you were mine!
Oh how I wish you’d feel the same!
There are few things I regret in my life
But this one thing,
I keep going back to.
I wish I had found a best friend.
Someone who would have seen me evolve into the woman I am now.
Someone who would know all the good, and all the bad in me.
Someone who would pick up on the first ring when I called.
Someone I could talk to about everything.
Someone with whom I would have built an empire of memories.
Someone who would be a recurrent character in the story of my life.
Someone who would be proud of me.
Someone who would unleash all the great and awful things inside of me.
Someone who would appear on every holiday pictures, every year.
Someone who would tell me to cut it out if needed.
Someone I could talk to.
Someone who could talk to me.
Someone I could fight against one minute, and die laughing the next.
Someone I would let read my writings.
Someone I would have no shame around, and who would have no shame around me.
Someone so dear to me I could say "I'd take a bullet for you" and mean it.
Someone who would know how I sleep, and how I laugh, and where I hide.
Someone who would gather me into his arms and say nothing, because he would know.
Someone who would want to look up at the stars with me.
Someone who would know my biggest dream.
Someone who would be there when I make it happen.
Someone I would worship because we would be on a whole different level of friendship.
Someone who would never judge me.
Someone who would make fun of me for my choices, but support me all the same.
Someone I could do all these things for.
Someone I could love and cherish.
Someone who would not be my family.
Someone who would have chosen me just because of me.
Because of who I am.
Because he would have made the decision that I was worth all of it.
Because I would be enough.
Because I would feel like I was enough.
Because he would fill the dark hole in my heart.
Because he would light up a candle and watch over it forever.
Because he would surprise me by being a she.
Because I would not have to wonder what gender he/she would be.
Because I would not have to imagine any of this.
Because it would be Destiny working its magic.
But I guess Destiny did not have me in her plans.
It is a dream
You are holding my hand
I br/eak it off
I am cutting off my ties
I jump onto the first plane
I would go
Somewhere unknown
And start again from scratch
A stranger in a strange land
New name, new life
I would pretend I am brand new
No one would know about
The fis/sure you inflicted in my hea/rt
When you tossed me aside and bro/ke all the vows you pledged to me
I still wear your promise ring
On my *******
To remember murderers look just like everybody else
Stealthily they will **** all of your hopes
Steal everything from you
And I am left with empty pockets
I cannot remember if the holes were already there when I met you
Or if one arm hugged me while the other cut out holes in my love
To create a marvellous pattern of destruction and hopelessness
At least I am still pretty outside
As long as the appearance does not reflect
The carnage, the massacre in my soulless hell
I will jump on the first plane
And go
Somewhere unknown
When I say the words
Come over
I never hear a positive
Yes
Or even a
Maybe
All I hear is the sound of your sigh

It breaks me everytime a little more
That I cannot
**Let
You
Go
When I looked into your eyes
You had already disappeared.
Spoken word is the only thing that drives me to the breaking point because all the words, all the feelings that are trapped inside my soul are somehow released into the air and linger around for people to breathe in
suddenly,
it is not as hard as I usually feel like it is to be
connected to people
we are all moved by the same poets who dare to come up on stage and bare their feelings
it drives me mad
That only in that specific place can I become who I wish to be
It is hard
to blend in
with the people whose soul are not rooted in their bodies as deeply as others
and to think they never wonder about things like
why whales have no ears but can listen to their partner across thousands of miles
and how
bumblebees are impossible and yet wander the Earth like nothing is wrong.
I wonder if it’s easier to stay rooted to the earth with little thoughts that never make you want to touch the sky rather than be weighed down by feelings and too heavy to fly no matter how hard you try to leave.
I keep rubbing it
It won't come off
The image of you is engrained in my mind
Graved in my stone heart
With patience and determination you
Picked up a rock and rubbed my skin raw
No amount of scratching will make you disappear
Like stain on my heart
I wish I could rip it out
Rip you out
Of my life
I am not stupid but
Neither is he
We both know
Our friendship will never be just friendship
There is a reason
We do not hang out as friends
There is a reason
We do not follow through on anything
We do not text
We do not stay alone
For long
There is a reason
And you are much better at staying away
Than I ever was
After all,
You have much more at stake
You have much more to lose
I have nothing but you
And you are already gone.
We are made of stardust
All the way from the tip of our toes
To the top of our heads
All stardust
But we don't shine like a star
Or glow like a light
Because we're only particules
Of stardust
And everybody knows
A star can't shine until she's whole again
Which we aren't.
Because we yell, we fight, we die
And we avoid the others
Stardust has to be complete to shine
And until we stop what we do best
Our wars, our threats, our insults
We won't be complete
But
The day we all figure it out
The Earth won't be the blue planet anymore
It'll be the brighest star in the Galaxy
Because we would have figured out a way
To be whole
Helping each other
Loving each other
Being kind to each other
All simple concepts
That most can't comprehend
And that is, I believe, the saddest thing of all.
Not that we are destroying our planet
Not that we are selfish people over all
Not that we let others be sad in front of us
Not that we let the misery of the world happen as though it was a 'thing'
But that we cannot understand
How much happier everyone would be if
If …
Hunger wasn't a thing.
Wars weren't a thing.
Poverty wasn't a thing.
****** wasn't a thing.
Suicide wasn't a thing.
Hopelessness wasn't a thing.
Bullying wasn't a thing.
If we could push away all those senseless 'things'
Then there would be a chance.
For us the start again.
For us the live again.
For us to be happy.
For us to be complete.
You asked me why I cared,
"Still."
I still do not know
What it is you wanted me to say.
After all,
You'd run away either way,
"Still."
Loving you is like falling in a dream
Closing my eyes and

F
A
L
L
I
N
G

S…l…o…w…l…y
and then
Allatonce
Opening my eyes to
Bright colours
Unexpected scenes
All around me nothing makes sense

You call me Alice.
Tell me I'm one of a kind, live in a fantasy world.
My reality is just different than yours
You make me drink the poison of my tears
And smile lopsidedly when I ask you why you never answer me.
Cryptic and vague, all smiles, you turn and fly around me.
You let me believe you are magic.

Which road do I take?
The roads is ending like the last chapter of a book I never got to finish
Where do you want to go?
I taste copper on my tongue
I don't know.
Your smile is too big and mine is too small
Then it doesn't matter.
I take a step forward and turn left.
I cannot see your head turning on itself
But I can feel your eyes of my back
Like little fingers pushing me forward
Into a new adventure

Loving you is like falling in a dream
Wondering if you will ever let me wake up
Snap out of your spell
Rub my eyes raw and realize
I am not Alice.
Sun
Sun
Gather hope in a cloak of dreams
Hide it in the folds of your heart
The sun will shine for you
Everytime
You reach
Into yourself
I am a sunflower
None of my breaths are wasted when the sun
Is not there
You are my sun
You make me wish for warmth
And light
And happiness in a smile
I would turn my face up to stare at you
For hours
To breathe you in
If our story lasted only an hour
I would turn the world back on its axis
Again and again
To live this moment
I would breathe it in
Live it out.
Your presence in my life is an illness
A cough I can never quite get over

The symptoms of you
Are both the cure and the disease

My breath struggles when you arrive
My breath struggles when you leave

No matter how hard I try to live happily
Your presence in my life is an illness
That kills me everyday
A little more
Inside
I bled ink on my right side more often than I bled on my left
I am bare and pure and innocent and proper but if you
Turn me around
You'll see the twisted, dark side of me, the ****** and raw and curious and
Confused
Side of me I cannot make sense of.
I ink it down as I figure myself out.
Breathe.
It's only for a time.
Breathe.
Do not let the tears spill out.
Breathe.
But they laugh and laugh and *laugh
and I cannot handle their hands on each other and their smiles turned away from me and the complicity they share I am so
alone
In a sea of people
I put 5 plates
On a table and I am the odd one
Out.
I stare straight at the wall.
But they laugh and laugh and laugh and do not realize we are in a different universe.


**I am the 5th plate.
You played with the chemistry we had,
I know,
All the tension you created,
For me to tingle (in fear) in hope
You would make a move on me

I breathed "I need you to move away from me"
You said
Make me
I laughed "I could show you but I would have to **** you"
You said
Oh, really?
I confessed "I could never get enough of you"
You said
Is that so?
I whispered "I could spend the rest of my days with you"
You said
Prove it

You said "I will show how to make you fall in love"
I said
Wanna bet?
I said "I will show you what it feels like to be loved"
You said
Wanna bet?

I won.

**So why does it feel like I lost everything?
I have to start all over again
I blame you for everything that is wrong on this planet I
Blame you for the feeling you inject in me everyday
A dose of fear and loathing to despise myself even more
It doesn't matter
How beautiful I am, how nice I am, how respectful I am
YOU
Resent me and make me abhor myself to feel better
You are popular and yet the message you send across those who love you is to
CHANGE everything you are to be someone else because
I am not perfect the way I am
I
Think by myself
Reject your opinion
Vote against you
Resist the pressure to be perfect I
Am courageous enough to protest and
Yell out loud everything that is wrong with the system I
Am no longer vulnerable I no longer
Doubt myself
Fear you
I make my own choices and I resist
YOU ATTACK US
WE WILL FIGHT BACK
The words carved in stone
Magazines
Ads
Commercials
Tv
everywhere
Are washed away by thousands of steps taken to drown you
With our voices we drown you
With our voices we yell out that it takes
Courage
Love
Empathy
Strength
Audacity
Determination
Tenaci­ty
To endure the constant pressure to be better than who we already are and
We will not stand for it anymore
We refuse you
We take over
We
Are a two letter word that describes your end as we stand together against
You
May be one letter stronger than
Us
But we won't give up on our freedom
We have fought forever and forever we will continue
To make you realize
We
Are stronger than
You
Can't win.
Your name on my lips
Is a knife to my heart
Stab my body and reach for my soul
The only blood you will find
Is the ink running down that page
I bled out years ago
From a vicious blow
It doesn't matter
The pain doesn't register
You keep on trying to hurt me
By telling me you don't love me
Believe me when I say I am empty
Nothing you can say will ever wreck me
The color of your lips
The pretty color of your lips
Trun grey when I see
What you have done to me
The moment my eyes opened
To the dim sunlight
In the morning of your death
I looked up to see your face
Covered in happiness
A smile up aimed at my grief
The shade of your mouth
Turned up toward the sky
Where I imagine you
I can't keep my eyes off this vision
Of the lovely person you were
Standing there waving me off
You would like for me to go to hell
But I'm holding on to the edge of the earth
Pondering your next move
Which will either pull me up
Or throw me down
Into the universe
Where I lost my heart
To the better part of myself
Where I keep swimming
In the ledge of truth
When I lie awake at night
Wishing for dreams to appear
But they will not
As all of my dreams swim in your eyes
Like a calm lake you watch over me
And smile again
Wondering when I will finally break
Break
Break
Break
Into an ocean of broken thoughts
And shattered dreams
That you mastered in destroying
Controlling and angry
Hot and cold
Sad and happy
I held my breath
The moment your lips turned blue
From me, choking you
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I SEE
But I can't change the past
You have died by my hands
I have destroyed you
Like you destroyed me
I know you were with her
When you come back to me
You stand up straighter
(She pumped your ego)
You look at me with a twinkle
(She put it in your eyes)
For weeks I wondered if I knew this girl
I had a portrait formed in my mind
I think maybe I saw her
In the reflection of your eyes
She is the girl I can see every time in the corner of your smile
Her words are fingerprints on your heart
Slowly
They cover mine
Slowly
She erases my existence
But
I am still here
Parked in a corner of a land that once was mine
But
I am still here
There is the day before and the day after.

The day before you'd poured sunshine into my cereal, brought me breakfast in bed and let the light shine through your eyes like I was the gold you'd been digging for your entire life. The day before you wanted to know if I would get teased about you, and I didn't say it wasn't necessary to worry, they were all already rooting for you. The day before I walked on a cloud, oblivious to the rain dampening my shoes like a warning sign. The day before you made me believe there was hope for me, for you, for us both to create a magical unicorn and ride into the sunset. The day before I was keeping you awake because neither of us wanted to stop talking. The day before we made plans. The day before you went out of your way for me. The day before I mattered. The day before I was so happy. The day before I walked down to the shop to buy your favourite cereal and spent the day watching sport to understand what you were talking about.

Then the day after arrived.

The day after, the cereal box sat the entire day at the same place and you forgot to text me. The day after I ran circles wondering if I should text you first and I caved. It took you 4 hours to write back two words. The day after I doubted for the first time in weeks. The day after I drank so I would forget the feel of your body curled into mine. The day after I was falling off the cliff you'd brought me to to admire the view and you weren't watching me. The day after you left me dangling because you were watching her. The day after, and even now, you are still staring away and I am still waiting for you to pull me up. The day after is as empty as a beach without an ocean, a winter without snow, a storm without thunder, a bed where I lay without you. The day after is my personal apocalypse where the memories of you crawl up like the undead from every direction. The day after is a desert and no oasis to quench my thirst. The day after is turning my phone on silent because I cannot bear my jumping heart every time it chimes and it isn't you. The day after is drowning my thoughts in alcohol until I cannot breathe and pray for it to be over. The day after is wondering when "after" becomes "now".
I bought you ******* crunchy nut and I a nerf gun and they're still sealed and everytime I see them I want to die
I  remember the day I lost my soul.
And I wish I could explain it better but how exactly do you explain your dignity being stepped on and your innoncence being ripped to shreds?
The details don't matter because they never do.
I just wanted to go back home.
I just wanted to go back twenty minutes and wait for my friend.
I just wanted to go back an eternity and never take my first breath because how can I still be alive when I feel so dead inside?
And I was just a kid, but I grew up twenty years in the space of twenty seconds.
I didn't cry because I was empty.
I didn't scream because my throat was dry.
I thought about flying and the sound my shoes wouldn't have made on the pavement had I had wings.
Then I thought about this guy who'd made wings out of wax in the legend, and how he'd gotten too close to the sun and died.
And I thought maybe I was already dead.
Because my wings were melted and I was already falling down I
Have drowned in oceans deeper than the universe and
Like a heart lost at sea I am a human lost in the billions of lives walking around me
And joking about **** and not realizing their jokes are not funny
Stripping me down to an skeleton, an object to be played with, a mass of skin and bones, a live doll who couldn't get her voice to be heard by people passing by and turning their heads the other way is not funny.
And I don't want to wish you dead
But I can't bear to see you alive
I have suffered a thousand nights
Your words on my skin like a burning fire
Boiling my blood with the anger a 16 year old should never have to feel
I have been walking the walk of shame
Eversince you spit on the floor where you lay my ruined soul and left me to die And maybe one day I won't wake up with the image of you at my throat but for now you poisonned my past so each night I bleed my ink on paper to forget the weight of your body on top of mine
and I can't trust or smile or live the way I did before and I fall asleep each night feeling your shadow breathing down my neck I
Am no longer a blooming flower but a rotten scent like the perfume you were wearing that night I
Am not dead but I don't wish to feel so I sleep and in my dreams I wash my face with your blood and wipe my tears with my courage so I can clear my eyes and watch you as I blink you away you have not won this battle
In my dreams I am the hero and I don't have bruises and marks imprinted on my body because you do not exist in my dreams
But then I wake up and take twenty shattered breaths on my shaking lips and even as I suffocate in a world that doesn't understand my pain I live each day stronger than the next and let your memory fall down the land of oblivion with the hope one day I'll turn around and you'll be gone.
I have hope.
Often I feel like people do not realize I am smarter than they think. Perhaps not in the way I handle math problems or in the way I act out.
But in the way I observe and listen when they believe I am not.
The way I take notice of things and keep that in mind for the next time, and the way I see what makes them tick, what makes them uncomfortable and where to hit to hurt.
I tend to know and knowledge is power, but it is also restrain.
I have bit my tongue many times to avoid saying something at the right time to hurt just where the skin is soft and the bone is fragile.
I am a demon with a sword but all they see is a dumb young girl. Sometimes I wish I could show them my ****** teeth as I rip them to shreds right where the wound is red and raw and too often scratched by words. I could rip it open all over again, and you would not see me coming.
You would never expect me.
It is my blessing and my curse;
I wish to hurt to relieve my own pain but I have been wounded so many times I cannot inflict a blow to somebody else
Though I long to bare my claws and rip out the goody-two-shoes so you may see the monster beneath.
I am a dot in a world of circles, I am a broken heart in the city of love, a lost soul in a world linked hearts... and I glide in between people's lives like I do not matter.
I get these bursts of want, of extreme need to be someone's something
When I see someone being somebody's someone
And
I'll feel lonely and longing and that urge to touch touch touch someone in a way I never do. I want to massage your head

and touch your ears and have you touch me and i wonder how long has it been since that happened it was so long ago i MISS it in a way i didn't 3 minutes ago
and now my head is full with it and i want nothing more but your touch and touching you

The best way I can explain it is having an addiction of sorts.
You train yourself to stop craving something
But you have a bite
and you
descend straight to hell.
hell addiction love crave
I am alive in your veins
I still run through your body
And I'm the poison that kills you everyday
When you try to push me away

Slicing your wrists open
Will not make me disappear
You know I am here for a reason

You invaded my thoughts for MONTHS
And blasted your fists on my jaw
I have been black and blue for YEARS

I can only retaliate
By invading your troubled cells
I am running through your body
And demolishing everything I touch
You destroyed me from the outside
I will annihilate you from the inside
I can tell you feel the pain
And I hope it
Hurts.
My skin used to be the map of me
An address in a world full of more interesting places to visit but
Since you came into my life
My skin is a map of the universe
My freckles are stars
My scars are meteor hits
And my eyes are the only planets that matter
As long as they can watch you make me a universe
A galaxy that longs to be explored
With careful fingers and soft touches
Creating black holes and constellations
All of me is a map you created.
Your name is written across my bed
And I cannot sleep in the same room
For fear you will invade my dreams
And when I wake up your hand will be nowhere to be found
And you are gone
You are gone
You are gone


You are gone.

She stole your heart and the rest of you followed
Looking for it in all the wrong places
I captured a piece of our memories in my hands
The ones you gave to me, and the ones I stole from you
I put in a box in my heart
Like the poems I wrote in my head
I keep them warm and loved
For you to one day remember
Each night I look at them and let them shine a little
Let them hope a little
Hope you will come knocking
And all the memories will burst alive
So you'll realize
I can carve you a brand new heart
A brand new love
And maybe you'll learn to love me
As much as I do you
come out, come out, come to me
Any moment now
Darkness will start
Its slow descent
Into the sky of doubt

No time to lose
No time to waste
Each second spared
Is like a test
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