i used to sleep with a candle

now i sleep with chemicals

you’re not insane
not until you’ve reddened and painted your lips with blood, relished in its wrongness
christened your knives with its sweet crimson sting
til it adorns your face and mars your unworthy, jagged claws
until your brain clots with its cloying saccharinity
that is insanity
all in the name of serenity

The stars aligned, you keep me up at night. love is a satire and im no stranger to solitude, but you, you… are infinite.

I crave you relentlessly

ive always been selfish for you
Even if i never showed it  

Deja vu

At least if i starve my body of sleep
It has no will to dream of you
Or anything

But you were always selfish for me too
And you always showed it

I want to drown in candle-soaked, chemical-smoked tragedy
I want you or nothing

Ride, or die

you or nothing

what's a wildcard in a hurricane?

all so when she bares her teeth, each in kind will fear the paradox behind her smile

You never looked me in the eye
You craved self-estrangement more than you craved me
You traded brown for green
Became my dearest enemy

I still see you sometimes
You walk past me in the halls
I hold the door subconsciously
You thank me reflexively
Walk through the frame
Could you ever know, how deeply I feel your distance?
But you walk through the frame
And I silently ache

I wish you could see me now
I wish you would read my clumsy poetry
Each word is just a word.
But the stars are just stars
They mean nothing without a heart

Dear diary,
So many things I yearn to say
My thoughts can never escape your page
I long to tell you everything
But I can't even meet your metaphorical eye
when i picture you asking how I've been

Dear diary
Strange, strange, fickle me
It's not lost on you, the lies i breathe through inky-white knuckles & stupidly clenched teeth
But how could I ever l admit to
you, diary
A blank, unmarred slate- a new start
What I have yet to admit,
within my emoticon-romanticised, hopeless, heart?

the waves that lap the shore
are governed by the moon
the moon that wanes and waxes and glows
with the light that the sun bestows
our world tilts for her benevolent touch
we drift in her well-worn paths
the absurdist irony of the atomic, planetary model
the sun, our nucleic core

but, rather I my pain eternalised-

a line to- of the worst kind surmise.

for I had rathered not lose my scar-torn, lovelorn heart~
though the choice was not mine.

~as well as my tangerine-tint of memories- sordid apparel of the bitterest find-
fit for a teasing, lusting, satirically-sad mind

i wish there were less emphasis
on a number on a page
that assumes our relative weight
our achievements and our fate
a mark on a page
is nothing of a gage
i burn it in my contempt
for society's dystopian, theatrical, sadistical decay

love like a pyre
and your elegy will burn through the rain

smiling through the pain is the worst variation of insane but no one would understand if i told them my brain is fading, breaking, existentially ever-craving so instead i keep it all inside my mind, buzzkill benign.
AND, ill live life living as though we weren’t all born to die.

your eyes reflect the stars, but your soul reflects her heart

I’ll never be anything more than that in your eyes

we could laugh in the sun and dance in the rain~
though you exist worlds & stars away.

~its alright.

i still breathe, if not your name-

still awaken at night & dream at day.

i still live for my wonder & die with my heart, all or naught, wild & untamed-
just-
not for your sake.
ill settle for wind chimes & wildflowers & me

"Don't cry, child!
And you should really stop wearing all this black"
"Your sadness is illogical-
Oh, how about a nice new bag?"

"I know you think you're gay,
But I think you simply have yet to find the right man!"
"Don't be so dramatic, you know I want for you, only-
what we mothers- only can."

Well, mother-
I don't need your misguided love
Your assurances are idiotic
And your guilt-trips, once so potent, no longer bring me down  

So, please~
Please.
Do tell me again, there's still a span
Of space reserved for me
within thy deity's plan

See, I don't believe in fate
In the same way you cling to yours
I'm a nihilistic atheist, and your bigotry made me who I am

you are so pretty
like sunlight with freckles and something unique
i wanted to learn all the facets of your smile
to coax forth each glimmering new dimension of your mystique

but i think
now i know all there is to you
at least for the time being
but love, all the things i intended to know in you
no longer seem so alluring