I want so badly to feel
not just know
the life living within me.

Cells of my heart,
what makes you stay
and stick
and love
in such efficient harmony?
What are the series of
coincidences
constructed into miracles
by some invisible hand
to let you be?
What are you, how are you?
To drop and fall into one -
pulse-
compelling me, luring me
to breathe, breathe
even under the anaesthetic of sleep.

I crave to know
how my body cups my soul
in a mirrored glass and not
a casket
or cage, if I wish.

And why the soul cries
even so,
so

I speak
to the ever and ever lying beyond the sky.
I ask

Please?

Dreams break and lines break
but don't let
my heart break

into me.
It is living.

And I don't yet know
what that means.

It's scary when you find
These thoughts
These emotions
So extreme

And you've seen them represented
You'd think you would recognize them
But you don't
You don't

And then you start to think
Thoughts that aren't rational
Things that aren't real
But you think them anyway

And you start to wonder what blood
And death
And true peace
Tastes like

You wonder

“I want your smile.
I want your arms wrapped around me.
I want your oceanic-blue tantalizing eyes piercing through my empty soul.
I want your kisses.
I want your tight hugs.
I want your voice lulling me to sleep.
I want your late night sweet messages.
I want your trust.
I want your love.
I want everything from you.
I want them mine alone.

Am I asking for too much?

I’ll stop making non-sense jokes to make you smile.
I’ll stop teasing you.
I’ll stop confiding myself to you.
I’ll stop caring.
I’ll stop showing fragility.
I’ll stop getting used to your concern-filled cold voice.
I’ll stop asking for your attention.
I’ll stop trying.
I’ll stop asking for more.
I’ll stop being greedy.
I’ll stop wanting you.
I’ll stop this feeling.
     Maybe.

     I think.

     Hopefully.

Do you want me to stop?”

If I had to wait a while
I would
but time would linger for so long
I feel I'd turn to stone.

Put my back to the place
I learned to call my home.

If I had to run for miles
I would
but I feel like I'd get farther
if I could
somehow shake the weight of
my foundation.

The echo of a flawed creation.

Recollections of uncertain
shrouded misinterpretations.

Should I go or should I stay?

Set down my feet or fly away
into the depths
of my own introversion?

I'm cemented in submersion.

When you pack and unpack
And move into your dorm
What will you do
With the memories I tucked into your hand
With the hand I gave you to trust
With the smile that you always summon from me
With the words I made sure you heard
With the heart I've given you

Will you bring them with you
Or leave them for your brothers to pick through

The uncertainty of your love is unbearable.

I am gnawing doubt and constant hesitancy
wrapped in a nightmare of a body.
My mistakes are my home, my flaws are where I dwell
But I swear to god
I know I've never been sure about anything
except wanting you all for myself.

in bed, aware
that nothing outside
this moment
is real

next to me, you lie
with your hand on my chest