My mind's a quarantine, I'm isolated now
I've broken hope within, my hopeless state of art
Abandon what I seek, that ship has sailed away
I dance upon my grave, at nights I try to pray
But  as the shadows grow, they laugh right in my face

The ceiling stays the same, I imagine the sky.
All of the stars I've never seen
Will I see them when I die?
The silence pierces ears
In the shadow of the night
My mind is quarantined
Sick of being alive

I have come to a conclusion. The conclusion to all my worries. To my pain and my curiosity. I will not be good enough. I will ask you for your assurance. I will beg you to let me stay. I would never leave. They leave me. They run fleeing as quick as their feet may carry them... broken photo frames and torn love letters. I was just hoping you would stay...

it was a cold night.
    i have no shelter.
    cold, tired, and hungry.

you were so down.
    heart's been thrown,
    looking from afar,
    wishing on the stars.

it's already late.
    you, walking around,
    found me on the Nile.
    too blue,
    but happy to be found.

I’m not good enough.
My mind repeats this phrase over and over.
I’m not good enough.
Like a broken record.
I’m not good enough.
My sister is the perfect child.
We have the same face and somehow everyone tells me how beautiful she is without glancing at me.
I’m not good enough.
My mother says I’m lazy because I want to watch Netflix.
I’m not good enough.
My father gets mad because I don’t want to take over the family business.
I’m not good enough.
My boyfriend made a “joke” to his friends about how I eat too much and I’m getting fat.
I’m not good enough.
I repeat is in my head over and over.
If anyone were to hear my thoughts it would be the only thing they heard.
I’m not good enough.
It’s exhausting.
I’m not good enough.
I’m so tired.
I’m not good enough.
Someone please help me.
I’m not good enough.
The suicide hotline is busy.
I’m not good enough.
Please someone tell it to stop.
I was never good enough,
Now I’m dead.

I am hurt
But not in the way when you scrape your knee
And not in the way when someone irrevocably betrays your trust
I am hurt in a way that cannot be explained

I am hurt
But not in the way when you break a bone
And not in the way someone spits out stinging words
I am hurt in a way that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster

I am hurt
But not in the way when your muscles ache with soreness
And not in the way when someone tells you they don’t love you anymore
I am hurt in a way that makes my stomach twist and churn

I am hurt
But not in the way that makes you grit your teeth in pain
And not in the way that makes one shut themselves out from the world
I am hurt in a way that makes my chest tighten and constrict until I can’t breath

I am hurt
But not in the way that can be solved with the pop of a pill
And not in the way that a teenage girl who is new to love does
I am hurt in a way that makes me dig my fingernails into my palms so as to quell the bristling tears threatning to spill.

I am hurt in a way that can’t so easily be explained away  as a papercut or with a smile
I am hurt in a way that comes with the lying words “I’m Fine.”
I am not fine.

Today I hurt.
Today I want to cry.
Today I feel alone. Left Out.

There is no rhyme or reason.
There is no starting point.
There is nothing I can say to explain away the pain except that it’s there.

I am hurt.

I cant sleep
no more
my brain is too

awake,
alert,
aware,

scared,
terrified

its
survival mode

I want to be okay
I want to be perfect
Every day I reiterate the words those with confidence preach
Over the years I've learned to be kind
But I started a war with myself at the age of nine
Every day I would fight my demons
Some days they would win and leave me bleeding
I have won and I have lost
Now I think everything good comes with a cost
I want to love fully and deeply without hesitation
How can I though when I have been let down on so many occasions
I'm scared but I want to love and be loved
Am I ready? Or will I be misjudged
Sometimes I want to scream and shout
I want to give up and ask someone to let me out
I wait for the day that I will not wish to be home while I sit in the place that I call my house
I want to be free and I want to be me
I want to breathe without retrain
I don't want any feelings being retained
I want to fly high
and go beyond the sky
I want to love what I see in my mirror
and to be able to see everything clear
I want to be okay
but I don't want to be perfect
I want to be okay
I want to be happy