I liked that night, we were flying
As the black cloaked your stars, you had your eyes closed
Sleep-deprived and half dead I thought of loving you
It seemed foolish

On the ground, it felt dizzy
like you spun me around
Friendly smiles were small
Everything was so dead I didn’t think of you

I don’t know the day where I thought of it as more
It wasn’t a day but a memory, a rememory
The buttons were pushed before I was ready

Anxiously I worked and worked and acted like your honey didn’t matter to me
It didn’t, I convince myself even now
But the moment came in capitals
You thought I was unattainable

The breaks were pressed by those closest
Of course they were, it’s what they’re there for
I waited and waited and waited and I got tiny answers

I got fragments, particles, portions
I never got it all
I still don’t have it all
Is this you
Is this my body?
Worse, is it my mind

Tell me now, if I ask too much
Tell me now, if communication won’t be our thing
Tell me now If we won’t be our own thing
But just tell me
Tell me anything
Because I need to be told

“your children not to do what I have done”

long has this phrase from that old song,
to wit, to which,
we all knew it complete,
that phrase

and this one too,

teach them well their father’s hell will slowly go by


any parent,
knows instantly their secret experiences
validating these pregnant phrases to
unification,
combination and definition

our looking face down
on the children unafraid,
and
our looking back
at the mistakes we ourselves made,
that no one could have warned us of in advance

can we warn them well,
dare we tell,
make our lore their history,
make them
too careful and too afraid
not to repeat our mistakes,
but be not fearful to
make their own?

doubtful.

I am a young woman, and pappy says all parents have eyes in the back of their heads, and it still don’t help much

I hate you
I hate the face you make when you see me
I hate the way you look at her, with love
I hate that after all these years of knowing you
I still love you
I hate that you can comfort me without touching or looking at me
I hate the power you have over me
I hate that your my weakness
I hate that you don't love me the way I love you
And I wish I could tell you

Did you change
Or was it me who remained the same?????

I don't have the strength to ask you.
Everytime I think I have the power to bring it up I fall back.
I am so afraid of all the what if's. Terrified of the answers you could give.
And I just don't have the strength to ask you.  
They have broken me with this before.
Turned me down or made me feel worthless.
So really, I am afraid I will never have the strength to ask you.
"What do you think of me?"

I wanted you to stay
and not to be scared away.

Just tell me you would still be my friend
if I ever where to go batty, loony
weird, crazy or delirious.

Tell me you would still be by my side
if I were to send hour long of voice notes,
text messages dictating stories
and emotions flowing out like a waterfall.

Tell me you would still care
if I were to become a extra version of myself,
feeling more sensitive and deep than my usual self.

Tell me you you wouldn’t judge me by your eyes,
rumor me away by your tongue.

I wanted you to tell me,
and actually mean it.

How do I tell you,
That what you meant as a joke,
Hurt me real bad,
That I cried silently and am now sad,
I wish I didn't care so much,
I wish I could just laugh along
But you don't know a thing,
Of my pain and pretending,
When I was really struggling,
And I didn't want me to look, really,
Like a girl who was upset with something so silly.