I have been in love, before --
I think
.
.
.

The kind of love where
Your heart
squeezes
in your Chest
and you
Feel like you're exploding
From the inside out and
You cannot hear
Anything,
Anything at all/but them


and it was real--
I tell myself.
My friends tell me.
They told me.

As real as being young could
Be...
The kind of real you get from sobbing and laughing
While your stomach melts your
Heart and your brain fries to
Bits
.
.
.
From their smile..,
Or their frown.
:(


But
I don't remember crying--
Just forgetting
.
.
.

How
one day my lungs were back to
Normal size and
My brain no longer
Screamed...

And (how) they weren't
in the obituary section
of the news.

Faster and faster tears roll down my face, I inhale a sob at a steady pace.
My mental struggle is too much to bear, I'm falling apart without you here.
I miss the little girl I used to be, when I would see you smiling at me.
Mother, it's been ten years since you've passed, I don't know how the time went by so fast.
I smile sadly as I remember, I've grown older, and my childhood is now over.
I will remember the good times we had, and hope, that you're a peace at last.

i think i cry too much

i keep my mouth closed
using super glue like it's lipstick
i tie my wrists together so i can't use my tears as ink and write my secrets into poetry

is it still considered a secret even though i don't spill it from my mouth but from my eyes
a river of secrets trails its way along my cheeks until a fountain of truth begins to fill on my pillow
my pillow must have nightmares from my constant sobs that often turn to screams

sometimes i can hear my pillow sobbing with me

Another brick wall
I can't take anymore
My life is a chore
Watch me fall

Another brick wall
My head is throbbing
My heart is sobbing
My voices they call

Another brick wall
I'll just bleed
No way to succeed
Laying here in a sprawl

Ignorablity is by far my best quality.
I could be in a room full of people,
Screaming in pain or sobbing like a baby,
And still be ignored.
I'm practically invisible
Sometimes it's good,
But mostly
It's a curse.
I've been crying every day this week,
But unsurprisingly,
No one has bothered to ask me why.
I'm slowly crumbling into myself,
Dying,
Alone,
Afraid,
Starving for care.
Yet,
Unsurprisingly
No one
Was
There.

I don't know exactly when or how I lost my happiness. it feels like it was a gradual -process, like an illness forcing the health out of my body. too many bad things happening without the breath of fresh air of hope can be constricting.
maybe it was in the sixth grade, when even at the age of 12, I couldn't take what was going on. at 12, I was more concerned with splitting open my wrists than I was with making necklaces out of plastic beads or obsessing over boy bands. or maybe it was on my 14th birthday when even the closest of people forgot the very being of my existence.
or maybe when I realized I didn't have a future ahead of me and broke down the summer after every school year, panicking that I didn't know what to do or wishing I could go back in time and change things. whatever it was, its lead down to a slow deterioration of my character. loneliness, emptiness, hopelessness. they feed the aching sadness that feels impossible to escape from.
or maybe it was before I was even born. maybe it was the instant my parents met that it was already foreseeable that my life would just be this big and vast mistake that I'd want to get rid of for the rest of my life.
sometimes it's impossible to even pretend you're happy anymore. people start to notice you aren't who you used to be and you realize the way they think of you is how you were before you became this empty void.
i don't know when I lost my happiness, but I want it back.