you had me in large chunks
and at some points, you had me whole
i had you in crumbs
and at some points, i had you in pieces and it wasn't fair
that's part of why i had to run away
you knew me too well and all i knew of you were the tiny, sad parts
but eventually i realized that she probably knew these parts, too
and i didn't feel like i knew you at all anymore
and still, i wonder
do they know what i know?
do they know about the bullets you held so close to your skull?
or about the xanax you would lay on your tongue when the sky was starry and your blankets were wrapped around your shaking body?
or about how you are so scared of people being behind you that you shake like a puppy and sweat beads up on your freckled neck?
does she know that?
will she?

I met you around the time Zac and I were to be engaged.
It was an arranged marriage,
But he promised me a lifetime of happiness.
They told me some loving would benefit my health.
That he could make me smile again.
So I stuck with him.
Every night.
You and I would meet behind his back.
He wasn't the only one who made me happy.
There was something about you
That made me forget about him.
Almost as if
I didn't need him anymore.
But they said I was commited to this relationship.

They told me Zac would work his magic 3-4 weeks after our first date.
And he did.
I smiled.
I forgot.
I relaxed.
I let go.
It was nice to be happy again.
Everyone around me saw it.
But then it was time to take it up a notch.
I was told to love him in the mornings and evenings,
Twice a day.
Then three times.
Then four.
Until I forgot what it was like to be single.
They didn't know I snuck out to be with you.

Eventually I was a whole new person.
I didn't worry about matched socks.
I didn't cry over spilled secrets.
I didn't retreat when the going got tough.
I learned to laugh at myself
Listen to myself
Love myself
Be myself.
The quiet world of whites and greys began to
EXPLODE
Into fireworks of vibrant colours.
I picked flowers!
I made music!
I flew kites!
The old me
Faded
From memory.

I was happy.
I am happy.

They said my life would never be the same.
That Zac had seeped into my brain
And taught me to see the beauty in life.
To find the rainbows in the rain.
They congratulated us on our marriage.
The couple of the century.
But, you see, I met you around the time Zac and I were to be engaged.
Maybe it was a coincidence.
Maybe it was the timing.
Maybe it was fate.
But I had broken up with Zac a month after he proposed.
I never met him twice a day.
Or three times.
Or four.
All this time
He wasn't the one
Who had taught me
To be happy.

- p. winter

It passed midnight when i took my medicine
Life has been treating me bad lately
I reached for my phone on the right side of my pillow
Blood was racing inside my cells,
no wonder i'm over anxious all the time
I swiped unlock,
went through my phone storage
In minutes i'm about to puke,
the world was sickening me out

I stopped upon this picture
of the guy who owns 4 piercings on his left ear
The helix one is my favorite
I giggled to the screen
Feeling familiar with the warmth he got on that curvy lips
The tension was chilled a bit—
as i entered my own little world
I felt my brain slowly turned into confetties

It passed midnight when i took my medicine
As every cells on my body
Praised him our favorite love song—
thanked him
For being the most effective way of healing

We all know the cracks between them are temporary, from downing a handful of happy-candy and flowers with a swig of chamomile tea, how only closing their eyes softly and the paralyzation of their body, pulling them and their body down the rings of Saturn can aliviate the scent of their own fear fighting WW2 in their veins, and the sound of humming from the television with a shattered screen... or what we call the voices of people in a large, congested crowd.

They drugged me to remove depression
Now i'm a druggy just to feel it again
I'll get down just to have direction
I don't know how to deal with being empty

I left her because i didnt feel a thing
When i left i didnt feel a thing
I ****** around and never missed a beat
My heart pounds on like it wasn't ment to be

Nobody understands when i tell the truth
Nobody knows when i tell a lie
I dance with the devil because i don't value life
When people question they don't get why

These thoughts in my mind make it hard to think
So i try to laugh to take away the pain
People always left red in the face
Comedy comes from the darkest place

I don't want to be alive
I don't care if i'm dead
But i find it very hard to die
Without a gun to my head

I slip and fall, behold the water all around, this daze, the overlit tiny
space, hospital, looking at me, doctors piercing gaze.
This is it! I feel their needles pierce my side, fill me with that which
will put out my lights.
I scream and in a rush they tilt my head back and let the pills
go down my throat. I was the one who got myself trapped
by this modern castle moat.
Should have known better, but still I cry, this is it, I'll set fire
to the skies, and no one will ever again sing me sterile lullabies!

*Tick
Tock
Clock
Years
Fears
Covered the empty bed sheets
Tears
Vague memories burned into my skull
Like a flashing bulb
****
All pain is gone
The chills
Spills
Backwards
Slipping into a near coma
From my FREE drug induced state
Speeding heart rate, and yet you,
Sifting through bottles
For that one last pill
To free your cowardly self
From having any free will.

Swallow your 'good kid' medicine,
drink up the black sludge oozing off of a rusted spoon,
stride in straight rows from beginning to end,
never let your feet stray from trodden asphalt.

Scoop your brains out of your head,
accept that your empty skull rattles in a heavy breeze,
waltz around burning coals on ash heels,
laugh while smoke and flame licks soft skin.

Ahahahaha
hahaha
haha
ha...

Ha?

A chord of realization is struck,
Emerging from your throat.
The tone bubbles out like laughter but
Reeks of cough syrup and sorrow.

Physically well,
Mentally healing,
Emotionally kneeling to
Every broken phrase,
Spoken over endless days—
Then promises
Of progress to follow.

More bitter medicine to swallow:

Jagged edged words, lacerations,
Fleeting sense of
Motivation.

Later, a bitter pill to take.

Yet, regret tastes sweeter
Than another mistake.

night time drugs are kicking in
i tried so hard to stay awake until the end
and now that the end has come
i am sad, i can't wait until your smiling face
will be so close to mine again.

By startlight hush of wind
the owl's shadow voice
the campfire embers glowing inner universe by firelight
smoke curls weaving faint
coyote voices faint the pain
and smell of pitch fire
I sing you stars
I breathe obsidian
and again the owls shadow voice
leans back into times past singing first fire
brittle spine bent bowed toward the fire
voices low to murmur a child whimper

deer fat ****** upon to gentle dreaming
the mother of her song
the night cradles child
the owl, too, has young tiny hearts
and warmth of down and old man
coughing guttural spit to fire
young people giggling beneath hidden fondlings
soon to sleep
again coyote voices drown the mind
in a loneliness of deep respect
in love of those who camp just up the hill
and tiny crystals of tears
spatter the dust
legs that cannot ever carry me back to you
soul that holds you forever