they lied to me
when they said
they'd be kind as princesses
and quiet as mice
but if it were true
why are my ears covered?
why am i crying?
why am i shaking like mad?
why am i running away,
escaping from everything?

why?
why do they do this?
my hands are still shaking
as i write on this tear stained page

my head is resting
(but not in peace)
on top of my aching arms
my eyes are shut tight
not opening or seeing

am i awake?
am i asleep?
am i alive or dead?

no one knows
not even i
who would care about me anyway

Twisted up from the inside like vines around the outside of my house.
I can see the horizon - morning is on the way and if i can just walk a little farther then i can find happiness...
I just know it!

Anxiety is melting my insides like the snow on the outside of my house.
I can see Spring is around the corner and if i just keep warm a little longer then I can find happiness...
I just know it!

It's loud and cracking the sidewalks are moving outside and its giving me a migraine.
I keep thinking the longer I hold on, the closer to happiness I will be.

But what if I am just sinking farther and farther into a sadness I haven't been formally acquainted with yet?

In a box-shaped cave
Smelling farts,
Asking the neighbors to keep them down.

I was louder once.
A beast with a need to feast,
but now I tamp my rampages.
One too many times I leapt
Over and through the fire
Bounding and barreling
Obnoxiously snarling as I caught
my dreams between my jaws and ripped,
To find their warmth evaporating,
my **** growing cold and sticky
as it would dribble and dry,
sweet and cracked down my breast and forearms.
I learned to pace. To release. To settle.
Not to take too many shots, coax, tease, or purr.
Not to bite, howl, or grin.
Not to get too cozy when I stargaze, tell embarrassing drinking stories, or speak my impressing words.
Not to stand on tables,
Not to shout out of car windows,
Not to dance like the drunken Maynads.
And I am quieter for it.
More intact.
Less alive.
I miss that wild beast.
I feel her gnawing at the cracks in my skin
begging me to don the wolf coat.
And some nights,
When the moon is right
I do.
And if I'm not careful,
Fastidiously luring and caging her
with promises of "next time"
until I've re-sewn my skin
I'm afraid that she'll eclipse me,
Careening through the night
And never returning.
I along with her
Never to return.

You know that thing
that lingers
in your mind
after you sleep
that burdens you
with heavy eye lids
and dark loud heart beats
that bulk of
"I don't know what"
in your throat..

Say it
for with words,
you have nothing to lose