There. You saw me- my weaknesses, my strengths, my vulnerabilities.

My love, you are no longer "my love".
You kicked me out of the door
After all these years of me giving love to you.
Thanks, I needed the exit long ago.

My love that's no longer my love,
You never went out of your way for me
and I always covered you for it all these years.

You know what I could do
But I choose not to
Because I will NEVER stoop down to your level.

Thank you.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for for raising my standards.

I will never settle for anything less than what I deserve.

I know our lives will never be easy. I knew that before I met you, when you were just an idea in my head of that man I might marry. When I met you I didn't even know it. I spoke to you like I had known you for years, was comfortable like that, but didn't see until a month later that hey, maybe we have something here.

We met because of cheap college ***, which of course you would think would be a letter of doom from the beginning. But somehow it worked. It hasn't been perfect, but it works.

Don't tell middle school me, but she was totally right about you. Hard to open up, daring, risky, cocky, goofy, had trouble with friends, and somehow still my best friend. Of course she didn't exactly picture it like this, but somehow she knew you. She knew you'd come, even before she knew we were broken.

Of course, she got a couple things wrong. You're not as tall, and you don't have blue eyes, and we haven't been best friends since childhood, but most importantly you never left me. I guess instead of having the pain of losing you and finding you again, I had to live my teenage years without you. I don't exactly know what I'd prefer, but I know I prefer anything with you.

I know the way I am doesn't make things easy. I know we have had our rocky times. But god have I been such an *******. More than just this past month. I got myself in this manic stupor where I was convinced after winter break that all the decisions were mine to make. When you called me a child, I didn't worry about you breaking up with me. I thought it impossible. It was like all I saw was my emotion, and totally ignored yours.

But last week, when you revealed to me that a breakup had crossed your mind, it shattered me. I was already feeling like such a ***** for all I had done to you that past month, but that moment I knew it had been much longer than that. I forgot that I wasn't the only important one. I forgot that all the decisions weren't mine. They were ours.

Dealing with my bipolar lately has made me selfish and blind. Granted, I needed to be selfish to live through what happened to me first semester,  but after that I was just being greedy. My grades improved, I had all the friends I could want, I had a future, and I had you.

I loved you loving me unconditionally, but its time to be fair. Its time for you to feel, to express, to live. This isn't all about me. Its about you, and us. It wasn't fair for me to do that to you for so long, and now I'm here to make it right, but ******* do I love you. Not in the loud way, but the quiet way that creeps up on you and holds your hands and kisses your forehead and suddenly you realize you're in love.

When I told you I loved you for the first time, I loved the person who made me stop being scared and put me first. I loved the person who was my friend, and made me feel special, and made me feel wanted.

I loved what you did for me, and now, as I finally see you, I just love you. I love all of you.

And as long as I can, I will love me loving you, just like you deserve.

you're allowed to be a little selfish,
she tells herself
you're allowed to feel,
she repeats
as she pushes the blade,
manages to gulp down a sob
as she stares
stares stares stares
at the opened skin
and the dripping blood
you don't deserve this,
is what she doesn't say
or admit
even to herself

I cut
So slowly

You could say
That I am afraid
That could be true

But in my mind
As I dig my fingernail in
Slide the knife sideways
Or bite my cheek so hard

I think
You deserve this
This is your payment
This is what you get

And when I see the blood run

I think
There go your sorrows
There goes your guilt
There goes your fear

And I am purged

I got what I deserved
I should feel better
The bad emotions left
With my blood

Or at least that's the purpose

*So why does it never make me feel better?

I'm emotionless
Yet full of hate
But I don't really care
I'm heartless
Cause I've never known love
And it's not really fair
I'm expendable
Yet I have some value
Cause I lay my lies bare
I'm worthless, stupid
And I've never found the truth
If only I could remember where
Then my life may have some use

Until then...
I guess I deserve the abuse

He grabbed me by the hair
And beat me up.
I said, daddy stop it
Please not here.
Daddy, I don't know who you are
Daddy, you're not my daddy
Any more
Daddy, go away.

He punched me several places,
Several times
Until I bled.
Until I hated him enough
To spit on his face.
Until I loved him enough
To believe I deserved it.

He screamed I was a *****.
He screamed it so many times
It got to my head
And changed the way
I saw myself.

I said, daddy not here,
Not today.
But he beat me up
Harder.


F.Z.**N

I  no longer have room for all the hurt and sadness that you make
For the lies  that left me feeling betrayed.  
Leading me astray from the confident girl I once was
To a sad one who only saw her flaws
You will no longer have that power to make me feel so low
Because it's time for me to take back control
For I am not the things you say or lies you create
But a goddess who is filled with so much love
All thanks to the lord up above
For always reminding of the beauty of forgiveness
To not give into the ignorance  
For forgiveness is not for those who treapass against us  
But for ourselves  to not go nuts
I am the love and light of this world
Ready to rediscover that bright eyed beautiful girl
For God has opened my eyes to see
That I must leave it all in his hands to live, let go, and just be
So I can finally learn what it truly means to be free

Is there a reason you don't deserve happiness?

"I used to run away from home when I was younger..."