Melancholy skies
This morning
Foreshadowing
My ****** day

I'm sick of my brain
Holding me back
From the things
My heart wants

Today I spent some time outside
I thought about life
earth, mars and you
I think about how much anger I have towards you
Sometimes
Sometimes I lose myself
In my anger
I wish I could lose myself
In my happiness the same way
I've been trying to focus on the good things
I've been writing again
You stole that away from me for awhile
But I'm getting it back
I've also been allowing myself to feel
The things I'd prefer to just
Shove to the back of my mind
But I've been feeling them
And I think it's been good for me

A rude disposition
What is he thinking
What makes him act the way he does
The coffee drips
Drip drip drip
He's off to school
I feel guilty
Why does he act this way
I get so angry
Sometimes

The first time it happened
I took 8 hits
From my girl friend's bowl
I felt nauseous
I stood up
Time froze
My brain and body
Did not match
Slow slow slow
My heart pounding out of my chest
I felt my sweaty palms
"I'm dead" I kept telling myself
Nothing felt real
"Calm down. You're fine" They laughed
They didn't understand
I was dying
In my mind

I want you to listen to my signs
My complaining about my uselessness
Tell me I'm worth a ****
Take my arms and scratch me
Up
And
Down
Give me feeling again
Give me anything you can
Buy me a wristwatch
Tell me I have some time
You need me to stick around
Cut my hair
Tell me to grow it out

How the ****
Does my dog
Look out the window
All day long
And still find enjoyment
In my face

Its as if there is a vice grip
On my heart
And every time you kiss me
It squeezes me harder and harder
I feel stuck and safe
You're constantly there
Around my heart
And you know the power you hold
You know I am
As needy as an infant
As a senile old woman
As a *******
I need you to constantly tell me
"I love you I love you"
So I know you won't leave me
And if you do
I can hold that against you
That you love me
And my constant needing pushes you away
And I am just sorry that I am like this

People are so ******* dramatic
Wow you're sad today
You aren't sad
It's all temporary
You don't know what its like
To be sad
Every ******* second
Of every day
And think of the different ways to **** yourself
And wish it were you that night instead of those kids
And have to swallow various pills every morning
Just so I can leave the house
So don't ******* say "wow I'm so depressed"
Because your mom won't buy you more clothes
Or some dumb **** like that
Even after all the **** I've been through
I don't feel sorry for myself
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
Over trivial things
Think of the positives

The teacher says something about intestines
I try not the listen
Talk about peoples insides
Makes me uncomfortable
And reminds me
We are all the same
I look around the room
Does the boy with the baseball cap squirm in his seat too?
Does the girl with the sweater want to escape this room too?
Are their thoughts as demented as mine?
I enter a manic state
There is no escape other than
To just feel

Doors slamming
And people yelling
Are two sounds that I
Prefer not to hear
Dark water
And boats
Make me feel
Afraid
Fire works
Pop Pop Pop
I ******* hate fireworks
They're stupid
And loud
And bring up bad memories
And on fourth of july
I hear those fire works
Coming from every direction
I sink deeper into myself
But out of my body
Away from everyone and myself
Forget forget forget
Then I feel selfish for wanting to forget
None of my friends understand what these things do to me
I'm sorry for not going to the beach at night
Or wanting to sneak into abandoned buildings
I'm sorry for crying when we went off-roading in your jeep
I'm sorry all I want to do is sit in my bed
And watch movies to distract myself from the
disturbing thoughts in my head

As I dig into the soil
I feel more and more grounded
More and more connected
To reality
It's very calming
The sun beats on my back
The birds are chirping
Soil cracks under the shovel
I take a sip of ice cold water
I look into the clear blue
Sky
Life is beautiful today

Becoming myself
More and more every day
Everyday finding myself
In the sky
Trees
Grass
You

Line by line
I dissect you
Embrace your mind
Pick at your soul
Your dark past
Your changing present
Your beautiful flaws
Your regrets
I am trying to learn
Each crevice of your eye lid
Each stretch mark on your side
Every freckle and bump
And current bruise
And when I think I know it all
That's not possible
I'll never know enough about you

"Do you miss me?"
No
No, I do not
I do not miss the lingering saliva on my neck
The cracking skin on your lips
Your hands
My hands
Reaching
Screaming , crying, shaking
The stray hairs below your brows
Untamed, you must be
Breathing heavily
Alright I miss you
I ******* miss the pain you brought
Because pain was something
And I normally don't feel much

You didn't think I saw
But I saw
Your eyes dissolve
Into slime
Slide down your face
As I spoke
I kissed the inside of your elbows
Your forehead
Each ear lobe
Took a shot of whiskey
No chaser
You passed me a cigarette from between your bony fingers
I took a drag
Hid the urge to cough
You fell asleep
I looked out the window
Kissed you one last time
And left

I bit my lip before
The taste of the blood reminded me
Of when you made me hate myself for
The third time this week
Because you don't like my tattoo
But I've had this tattoo since we met
And I  tried to comb my hair in the opposite direction
Just to make you happy
But you're not happy
And my hair naturally goes in the other
Direction

Cool mist
Hits my pale face
I'm cold
"I know" she says
"I'm indecent" I say
She takes off her blouse
Button after button
It was endless
I could watch her remove her blouse
Forever
The fog filled the air
I heard a dog bark in the distance
I could see street lights
And her
Street lights
And her
And her

The first kiss
Was like breaking even
For all the effort I had put in
Had finally been matched
And I could only go up from here
The second kiss
Was like making my hundredth dollar
There was safety in it
And when we first made love
I sold myself
You had me
Completely

Sometimes I lay in bed at night
And I imagine what I would do
I fantasize about what I would say
If I saw your smug ******* face
If I saw your pompous mouth and nefarious eyes
At the grocery store.
I imagine seeing you in the fruit aisle
Shopping for strawberries and grapes
Probably thinking about trivial things
But I'd ******* care
And I'd tell you I care

You
let me *******
twice
Good
And then you ignored my calls

I hope I die alone
No one around
Just me
One last time
Me and my thoughts
I hope I die alone
All alone
Because I don't want to make
Anyone uncomfortable
Thinking they have to love me
Or care
Just because I am now dead

I had a dream
About you
Again last night
I saw you in the grocery store
You didn't see me
But
I saw you
I saw you searching for the things you needed
To make tea
And chicken noodle soup
Sickness maybe
I wanted you to see me
To realize how much you miss me
That you needed me all this time
Like I needed you
But you didn't notice I was watching you

Peach dream
She smokes 2 packs a day
Black hair
I still want to kiss her (sometimes)
Hands
Reaching out
Takes my shirt off
Counts on my finger tips
How many times she wanted to see me
Scream
She isn't anything to anyone
Not even me
Ok that's not true
She means something to me
The sad bags under her eyes
And the cracks in her lips
I even tried to help her quit smoking
Took her to a hypnotist
It didn't work
But I still let her smoke in my car
And I still want to kiss her (sometimes)
And when she got high the other night
And ****** someone else
And blamed it on me
I don't know
I still want the chipped paint on her nails
And the hair falling into her face
I want it all
I think

You ****
You seriously ******* **** for making me fall in love with you
But
I guess I should say
Thanks for actually making me feel for once
Thanks for showing me that someone will stick around for more than just a good ****
Thanks for every ******* kiss and the nights of fighting and the *** stained sheets and the love.
Thank you most of all for loving me. Even when I was crying begging you not to leave and you haven't yet and you laugh at all my stupid jokes and all the poems I wrote you and
Just thank you for loving me

Me, the dog, and the bird
Actually no
Just the bird and the dog
I'm not like those two
They offer more
A bird can fly
A dog can communicate without talking
What do I have?
I'll tell you what
I can give you a few things but
They aren't pretty
I can't fly
And I talk a lot
And I'm a pretty ****** listener
And I've been told I'm not trustworthy
So theres that
I'm no good

There were things in her line of fire
She would not touch
But I
I was not one of them
When she got to you
That was it
She'd chew you up
Swallow you
And then **** you out
So you could see her beautiful insides
And when you came out
You were never the same

The fact that everything is
Something
Freaks me out
Why?

I've led so many girls on
It's sickening
But I always knew I'd crawl back to you
I'd be on my hands and knees
In the palm of your hand
You rubbing my back and laughing
At me
Because you knew you had me defeated
The noose around my neck was made of your words
Sour and yet sweet
Music to my ******* ears
Remember the first time you hit me?
You laughed like it was a ******* joke
A little tighter please
Make your grip a little tighter
Hurt me until it's all I know
I don't want to remember anything

******* be wild
You sit in that room all day
You've never been drunk
You say that I always smell like cigarettes
You always smell like regret
You make me boring

Today I found out that
For the first 6 months of our relationship
You were afraid of me
You thought I was going to **** you
Or myself
Or both of us
I told you
Why the **** would I **** myself if I am so afraid to die in the first place

Finger to her lips
Shh
Under covers
Alone we thought
No more
Dark
Footsteps
Hit hit hit
She was ripped from my arms
Hands legs heart mind
Her mouth said "Its ok"
But her eyes said something else
They never touched me
But I was bruised
Black blue red
Blood dripped from my eyes
Whats the point of having them If
I can't see her
It's been four months since
Her beauty graced my pathetic existence
Her pale skin marked with scars and bite
Marks
I miss her teeth
Her mouth
Blossoming lips
Fingers flat
To her lips
Shh

She reaches for her cup of coffee
I flinch
I shouldn't be afraid
It's ok
She fixes her posture
Clears her throat
Begins to tell me
All the things I did wrong
For the past three years
I pick my cuticles until they
Begin to bleed
"Did you hear me? Did you ******* hear me? This is what I'm talking about!"
I place my hands on my bouncing knees
"I tried so hard to make this work, but sometimes love isn't enough"
I just wanted to leave
**** this
I get up and leave

She is the whisper
That I hear in the night
The cooing that sings me to sleep
She is the bruises on my knees
From praying all night long
To a God
That I no longer believe in
She is the dark underneath my eyes
Because I didn't sleep all night
Because a fire was in my dreams again
Passing through the building in the shape
Of my mother's body
She is the stomach I lay on
That takes shape of another woman

Stagnant air
greets her lips
First
Then nose
Lungs
Its getting harder
To breathe
But she does
Sleeping
Sleeping
Slipping
I slip deeper and deeper
Into her voice
Calms me after I tear my brains out
**** me again until I can't breathe
And hurt me in my sleep
So I don't know
So I don't know
I can't fight back the beast
That beats me
Everyday
Anymore

They gave me pills
Because they said I was different
"You're not the same. You're sad"
The bad thoughts were more frequent
Than the good
But the pills
They made me numb
No good or bad
No excitement or passion or anger
Nothing
I am numb
Looking for something to give me feeling

I need to stop thinking
You can save me
I am so mad at myself
For thinking you could
For so **** long
I realize life isn't about being saved
Or saving another
Just love and maybe be loved in return
Because all I really need
Is someone to kiss my knuckles
After I create a hole in the wall

She said "**** me harder I hate myself"
It took me 4 months to learn what it meant
When she cried in her sleep
I didn't try to hold her or anything
I just followed her outside at 4 in the morning
And sat with her while she smoked her cigarette
She told me I was like a ******* bug bite
The ones you get in the summer
She couldn't get rid of me
She knew I was there and had to deal with me
She wanted me to fix her
My god I ******* tried
We both reminded each other of our bad habits
She told me to stop biting my nails
I told her to stop  hating
Everything about herself

You told me
That if I ever needed anything
That you would be there for me
But
I called you last night
And you didn't
Pick up

Today I sat in the parking lot
Of my old high school
I felt sorry for everyone in that prison-like building;
They don't know that pain is excruciating
But pleasure is too
And the car started to get hot
So I drove away
And got a cup of coffee
And remembered where I was in my life
And I smiled and wiped my sweaty lip

To me
Your lips are oxygen
Your eyes
They are streetlights on my walk home
After drinking all night
Do I love you enough after all I've been through?
The love and the loss
Your hands
Are knives
Sharper
Than your words
As they hold me
They hurt me
But they make me feel so much

We got bagels and coffee
Ate in silence
Peaceful perfect
Every now and then our eyes met
Neither of us said a word
Somehow ended up back in bed
Her clothes off
Mine still on
It wasn't ******
I didn't yearn for her like I did last night
I just wanted to feel her soft skin
On my finger tips
And smell her body
And hope she wanted to do the same
To me one day

Toxic
Our relationship is ******* toxic
I drink you in like the bottle of whiskey we shared last weekend
I finally convinced you to let me see you naked
Your body sobered me up
But at the same time I had never felt drunker
Our shadows laughed at us as we made love
Frantically in the dark
I give too much of myself to others
You especially
I gave you all of me
Not half or a quarter
The whole **** thing
Please don't destroy me again

I'm going to make sure
That
Everything reminds you of me
When you walk down the street
You see my eyes in the cracks on the sidewalks
When you listen to music
Even songs we didn't listen to together
There I am
In every word
Even when you think you've moved on
And you're ******* someone else
The second that you ***
The ceiling looks like my ceiling
The one you know so well
And you remember every time we've made love
Food will never be the same without me
All the shows and movies we watched together won't either
You won't be able to forget me
Is it selfish for me to want this?
Because this is what you've done to me
Every time I think I've forgotten you
You come back into my mind and body
Like falling asleep
It just happens

I know
It's my fault
Nowhere
We are going nowhere
But I still want to pretend
That you're an angel
And you saved me
I still want to *******
Until you beg me to stay
But I don't
And you tell me to go away
Because I am just hurting you
And I just want to hurt you
But I'll go
And I'll eat my words
I'll walk walk walk
Slowly
I won't run
Because I still want you
To want me

Slightly inhaling
This cigarette between my fingers
I hope this doesn't scare you away
I haven't even met you and I already
Am writing poetry about you
How pathetic huh
But I am sitting here
Staring at the bush directly across from me
I wonder if he ****** you today

I lose myself sometimes
In the alcohol
And the girls
Their wet lips
Their hands grabbing at me
Begging for me
I lose myself in those moments
But then I find myself again
In your eyes
In your nail beds and earlobes
In you

I have so much to give to you
And you have so much to take
Im kissing the ground you walk on
So Give me a ******* break
Do you even think of me
When you're lying there half awake
The way you touch me
It Makes my body ache
How am I supposed to feel
When you tell me this is all fake
Can this all just ******* stop
I'm going to pull the emergency brake

And
I just realized
I cannot
Be
Alone

I am beginning to love
The things I hate about you
Because they are the things
I hate about you
I am afraid
Because I don't think I can grow
To love to hate anyone else