What if I'm so broken
That the only way I know how
To be loved
Is to be hurt?

Piles of poems surround me
My heart and thoughts
Put to paper.

But I dare not share
A single piece
Out of fear of losing
Bit's of my soul.

Writing is my gate to freedom,
So why do I feel held captive?

She told me to write
So I did.
But now I'm left in a pile of poems and prose
That no one will ever get to read.
Feeling more emotions than I have in years
Too afraid to let them see that side of me.
My lies are bigger than I am now
So I walk in their shells
Attempting to pretend that I know what I'm doing.

She told me to write
Because what I make is beautiful
That the way my words twist and contrast
Make her interested.
That my raw emotion speaks to her
But she only saw my most prized pieces
Would my average work disappoint?

She told me to write
To let others see how I feel
Express myself in a way
That maybe they can comprehend
And attempt to understand.
But how can they possibly understand
When I'm too afraid to show them
What I actually feel like.

She told me to write
To work towards being okay
To continue putting one foot in front of the other
Because it was the only thing keeping me alive.
So I tried.

Like a cigarette dropped from your lips not yet finished
My soul continue to glow as you leave me on the ground to die.
I'm far from ready to let my flame go out
But unless someone is willing to pick me up
All I can do is hope I don't set the leaves nearby ablaze
As my light slowly flickers out
Hopefully without being smothered beneath a boot.

I could sit here and write you a thousand poems
Millions of letters thrown across a page
In attempts for you to understand
That I'm truly and undoubtedly
In love with you.
And I know with all my heart
That you love her.
It kills me inside to listen
You trip up on your words with laughter
Because just thinking about her
Causes you to lose yourself in thought.
You scrunch up your nose a little
And a smile toys at the edge of your mouth
As your fingers twist at your clothes or hair
Usually you sigh slightly leaning forward looking off
And I watch you fall for her more and more each day.
You're beautiful when you're in love.
I just wish you had worn that dress for me to admire
Maybe then I wouldn't feel so bad about doing it anyways.

The gentle thuds of raindrops
In the middle of the night
As you hold me close
Already fallen asleep
Your soft snores calm me
Music cannot compare
To the symphony of noises
I listen to at night
Especially when the beat of your heart
Is the loudest of the sounds
I feel like I'm finally home.

Blood,
A flowing river
That never seems to stop.

Pain,
A sensation that can open your eyes
To the true world around you.

Torture,
A C.D. on repeat,
A never ending way to live your life until.

Death,
A creeping stranger
That has somehow learned the secrets of your life.

Silence,
Not a whisper can pass your lips,
Not a breath can fill your lungs.

Finally,
The pain has stopped,
And the torture has ended.

Smile,    
        It's okay
Breath deep,
        Don't you dare let that lip quiver
Stop
        Think
    Crash
Don't cry

It's okay
        Just another lie
Mascara laced tears
        But remember what they tell you
                Everything will be okay
No matter how broken
    Apparently it's fixable

I need to be fixed
    Am I broken?
        
        Or do I just need a fix?

Love
    But don't get close
Hate
    But don't be bitter
            Don't forget to smile!

Back straight
Shoulders up
Chin high
    Now just don't cry.

            And most importantly
        Remember
    It's
        All
            Going
                    To
                        Be
                            Okay
Right?

       *Smile away the pain,

    They said it's going to be okay

               But when?

I want to go out
And drink coffee.

Talk about life
And kiss you.

But that is silly isn't it?
I don't like coffee much.

I'll just buy some for you
So I can watch you smile.

Then lets dance and laugh because
It's an amazing feeling to be loved.

I sit here crying.
Vomiting.
Smoking.
Dying.

I have no reason
For my sadness
For my anger.
But I am crippled by it.

I cough
The taste of poison
Trailing on my lips
Like paint on a window.

I'm not afraid to die.
Not anymore
You changed that for me.
Thank you.

Thank you for breaking me.
Crushing the final pieces of my heart.
The funniest **** part.
Is that you broke me by not speaking.

So I sit unknowing
Shaking
Hallucinating
Relapsing

The blood pours
The smoke swirls
The pills fall
And I'm in the center of it all

"Are you okay?"
A kind woman asks me
Truly concerned.
And I startled myself with my reply.

I looked up at her smiling.
It looks like I'm baring my teeth.
My eyes not quite able to focus
Tears smearing my makeup.

I reach towards her touching her
To see if she is real, she is.
And I laugh.
Throwing my head back.

Screaming, crying and laughing.
No I'm not okay.
I'm not sane.
I'm not going to survive this.

But that's okay.
We are all born to die.
And die we shall.
But I'm dying laughing.

Where has my lover gone?
Disappeared in the night
I crave to hold her close.
But for now, I will sit up.

The red numbers on the clock tick by
Sometimes minutes feel like hours,
Other times seconds.
Pain is driven into my eyes
But I do not close them.

I begin rocking back and forth
Simply for something to do.
Twirling my hair into odd styles
And trying to obtain night vision
Opening my eyes really wide.

I take out a bottle of pills
Pouring a handful out
Counting them, placing each to my lips
But for tonight
I return them to the bottle.

It’s only 4am
But I’m playing with a knife.
Tossing it in the air
Trying to catch it by the handle
In the black of the night.

Once I’m bored of that
I stare out my window
Praying for the sun to rise.
I rest my head on the pillow
And stare at the wall for an hour.

The sun is rising.
Most people wouldn't know it yet
But it has gotten slightly brighter in my room
So I take advantage and try to write by the light
But fail to see my words.

Laying back down I listen.
My kitten purring, sleeping at my side.
The fans spinning keeping the house cool
Subtle creaks of the foundation.
The dog whining in his sleep.

Oh sleep, my love,
Why do you avoid me?
I’m breaking down.
I can’t go on without you much longer.

Forgive me for avoiding naps as a child.
Is this my punishment?
To never sleep through the night?
What have I done to deserve this?
I’m going mad without you!

Can you at least give me love from another?
Somebody to stay awake with,
To comfort and hold me?
Maybe then I’ll be at peace enough to sleep.

I hear people around me use the term loosely
“Oh I didn’t sleep well last night,
I must have insomnia.”
Even as a child I didn’t sleep a full night,
You chose to stay up and use the computer.
The few times I do sleep
Are usually when I’m drugged.

I've cried from exhaustion
I've purged at night
Hoping it would make me fall asleep.
I've tried working out all day.
Pills. Teas. Working on a paper.
Nothing works.

I will keep my arms open
In hopes my lover will return.
Sleep, my savior
Come back to me.
I need you.

It's raining it's pouring
But we will dance till the morning.
When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall.
I had given you my all.
Kissed the girls and made them cry
I know I promised not to pry.
Jack and Jill went up a hill
Can I ever find my will?
One for the dame
You never one for being tame.
Peter Peter pumpkin eater
Once a liar always a cheater.
Humpty dumpty sat on a wall
I try not to cry, waiting for your call.
Three blind mice, three blind mice
My heart is turning into ice.
The king was in his counting house counting out his money
Now this game isn't so funny.
London Bridge is falling down,
Along with the shreds of my gown.
Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down!
Deep into the water to drown.

Mary Mary quite contrary
Just your name makes me wary
And frightened Miss Muffet away
As I wait for you at home and pray.
Little Bo peep fell fast asleep
So back home you will creep.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
Her heart is broken and all the blame falls on you.
The more he saw the less he spoke
Causing me, on my words, to choke.
She's dead of course!
She is a never ending force!
I pray the lord my soul to keep
Because honey, hell ain't cheap.
I mourn for my love
Just like the distant dove.

He didn't get up in the morning
The sirens are roaring...
Down will come baby, cradle and all
Hide the body behind the wall.
When the boys come out to play
I won't want them to stay.
Jack fell down, and broke his crown
Now I feel like a clown
One for the master
I've never run faster.
Had a wife
Who ended it with a knife.
Couldn't put Humpty together again
Now our relationship has no strain.
Did you ever see such a sight in your life,
All because of a strife
The queen was in the parlor eating bread and honey,
With the world outside so bright and sunny.
My fair lady,
Never looks quite as shady.
A pocket full of posies
In prison I will be nice and cosy.

I hold her hand tightly
Taking care to make sure she is safe
Loved and valued, she is more a woman than I
She calls me her guardian angel.

I protect her from the cruel world
That destroyed me and my dreams.
Shielding her from all the pain around,
Letting her grow at her own pace until she is ready.

But soon I will have to step back,
Holding my breath hoping she won't be crushed
She sees the world in it's true light and soars
As I'm left on the ground, my wings far to broken to fly.

I love her,
So I let her go.

I can't see
I drop to my knee.
I can't breathe
Everything hid underneath.
I can't feel
Anything but steel.
Blood running from my wrists
My hands clenched into fists.
With one final kiss
I have escaped to bliss.

My heart is beating fast
My chest feels like it's being crushed
The need to do something is overwhelming.

To beat the walls with my fists
Tear things apart with my teeth
Scream until I have no voice.

Crush things beneath my feet
Rip my hair out
Cry until it hurts enough to forget.

Forget the world
All the problems
And the people.

Smash my most prized possessions
Curse in a never ending string
Hate everything and everyone near me.

Run until my legs give out
Beating the ground with my open hands
Laughing at how badly it hurts still.

I can't write, I only rip the pages.
I can't sing, I have no voice.
I can't sleep, I'm to afraid of what I'll see.

I can't tell you,
I don't know how to
Phrase my pain so you will care.

My hands shake
My vision blurs
Losing sight of everything that matters.

I want to let go of it all
Just to fly
Away from this feeling.

But it holds tight to my neck
Assuring me it is here to stay.
Nothing I can do will work.

Sweetheart you are so scared,
But I am too.
We have been through so much
But have yet to kiss in public.

Darling don't be afraid,
Take my hand.
Together we are strong
No matter what they think.

Princess please,
Trust that we can.
I love you,
Isn't that enough?

Angel answer me,
I know you can hear me.
Please don't ignore me,
I don't know what to do.

Baby be mine,
don't leave me.
Love is not a crime
We were so beautiful together.

Lover look at me!
What is so wrong that you can't bear to be around me?
Is it that I am a girl?
The same gender as you?

Honey how could you?
Turn your back on me!
Pretend our love never happened!
I miss you more than you will ever know.