Then out of nowhere and at once, the voice stopped.
No lingering feeling of self hate
The questions
The pondering
It all came to a halt
A thing that’s been with me all these years
Came to an abrupt end
Not bitter
Not sweet
Just end
An ending i’ve been hoping, but not waiting on
I didn’t know that there was such a thing
As an end to it

A blabbering, mumbling sorrow of self pity
Or just a mere convenience of a lexicon with words to degrade myself
A daily reminder of how worthless I was
So I would’ve never forgotten my reason
A reason never explained
Never cared for
With a reach of a sovereign hand I touch the notes
Floundering through the air
Playing a floating piano
“A river flows in you”
Caring for unprotected skin

I was waiting for a different ending
An abrupt ending, not like this one
Fingernails not bitten off bleeding
A curious feeling of relentlessness
Not used to the feeling of not being alone

It all came to a halt
A voice that’s been with me for years
A sadness of emptiness is nowhere to be found
A clue to a healthy mind
Maybe a fear of what could’ve been if not the voice left
A sort of trembling worry of who to now complain when I do wrong
An understatement of falling leaves from my tree

I know my family will be glad
Even though I haven’t ever told them bout the pain I contain
Who to be worthy shall never pass
Through my gates of hell
No one is worthy of that pain
Maybe not even me?

I think this was and end worth waiting for

Sometimes I wish
That I had a Sign

Like a constant notepad
For people to read

Maybe then they would try to
Listen a little closer

But I wear the silent bells now
Calling with my empty voice

The room gets bigger
But I feel suffocated

Fidgeting with no fingers
Bleeding nails of yesterday

Or mere seconds ago
I spin walk around in an oval shape with edges

Sometimes I wish for an open wound
Needing care

People bring bandage to a funeral
And flowers to a wedding

Pictures of the beautiful ******
Ignoring the anxiety cloud of a Girl

I get through the sorl of breaths and coffe
The sounds of the red light klonking loudly

Breaking through my headphones

Sometimes I really wished they could see
See my constant struggle to survive in this neurotypical World

I don't feel good
I don't feel bad
I am feeling everything and nothing

Am I back
Am I gone
Am I where I started
Am I where I begun

Empty yet to full
Constant music in my ears
Keeping the silence away
Shadows thrive in darkness and silence

I don't feel good nor bad
Everything and nothing contain my heart
Back and gone
Start och beginning

I am back at it again.

They take death so lightly and life even lighter
Crushing a bone or two is the same as the flu.
Dancing with the hangman at the spring ball
Take the gate keeper, for its less formal For what is a soul to gamble
When all somebody has for a light is a melted candle
Maybe I was to hasty to fix
For all we know
She was the one with all the trix

The tangler left all the knots untied
Maybe it’s tired of being uncomfortable and uncontrollable
Here we don’t need tweezers in our pockets
Because our now free tears, fall anyway
We got tips and tricks, flee or sow
Hear or tear to the rainy hair that cling to our shoulders
Hugging tightly till we gasp for air and start reaching for the surface

Should have gone to the library
It's shoulders dosen't judge
nor dose it bend for your heavy heart
For they know the feeling of being forgotten and newly discovered

How easy it is to just fade into the background
How each breath gets thinner and thinner,
until it completely fades away

A mere puff of air leaves my lips
and the dust falls dancingly of the books shoulder
like an invitation to open and turn the page
return to a world you left behind
and rejoice in finding the lost memories of happiness and bright as childlike laughter.

Im scared of the people I see everyday
I’m afraid of a closed door
I never want to wonder, what would happen
If I even once, dared to knock

For what I have, are no broken bones
But I’ve always been crawling
I do have two lungs
But I still always have trouble breathing

This heartbeat of mine is staggering
When I make mistakes or do wrong by my own book
It tells me to bang my head through the wall
For wrong doings only deserve pain
Therefore I’m even scared of my own house
The people out there, how do they exist so calmly?
I’m a wreck as soon as I walk out the door

I can’t seem to explain - mostly because I don’t understand it myself

I didn’t mean to be so quiet
I didn’t mean to be so gone
I didn’t mean to be so scared
I didn’t mean to be so sad

If I could be easy to talk to, I would be
If I could forget my past, I would in a second
If I could not be so timid, I would
If I could understand, I would

If I could escape anxiety, i would probably be forever running.

No one saw my pain
Even when I had no idea how to smile
I was literally dying inside
And at the closest call of ending it

No one saw my pain
I was sort of always in the backround
It sounds like a clyche but it was my reality

Everybody saw a door as a door
I saw a gate with steel bars and no password to get inside
They saw new people as an opportunite
I saw them as kings and queens, as higher royalty than me
I could never reach their level of "hey be my friend"
Why were they so scary
Why was I so afraid
I have no answer
It was just constant hell and me seeking for help without asking

I am not a happy pearl
I am not a bursting sea
I don't know when to turn back and wave for help
I always felt so trapped, there was just no place for me
Of all the steps I took, there was no shoes to be filling the path I made in the snow
Not a single one followed me, for my secrets are meant to be kept?

If they had just looked a little closer, way past the camera lense
They would have seen my scar, and my bleeding hand
They were always so happy and cheerful as they could be,
As I was laying on the ground thinking about what could be

How are they so carefree, when I plan every step and move I make
To not be in the way, but also be seen
I tried so hard playing that part, but with no confidence

They were all so cheerful
I just didn't understand
How can I be in the same room
But not understanding what is there

I just kept hiding those flaws they never saw
I didn't dare to eat the dinner that we cooked
I stayed far away and went around as a busboy the whole day

I think I could have been more
Maybe just a little more off the side
Not right in the middle but like a quarter of enough

I kept it a secret as long as I could
But I had to give an answer and to the emergency we went
I was hiding
I was venting
I was in pain
I am in pain
Will I always feel this pain inside
This was years ago,  you would think memories would go
But not mine no, they stay hidden until they pop up and i'm right back there again.

For sow the wiz
and for that the bliss
Flee through the apple tree
It is harvest times
Now jam and sweet like pie
Oh the bliss of a midnight sky

We plied and plowed
and for that the bliss
Fill up a room, no one to miss
It is now harvest times
Us to remember the Queen of ages
Don't forget to pay the wages
Oh the bliss of lovers gazes

Further down the deep deep blue
Of ocean wonders, to remind of all the ships that went through
Rough patches of ill willed weather and stormy faiths
I hope we all remember that it is to Christ we stand our faith

Oh the bliss of Life
Oh the bliss of Faith

Oh the bliss of Summers mother leaving heaps of Love on the stairs
For those who not have the bliss of being sometimes missed
By someone who actually cares
even just a little bear
lonely in the woods a quiet autumn afternoon
Not knowing when winter starts or when to say hello to the moon

Who to say good night, good morning or good bye
When you are a lonely cub in the woods and your mama was a wish on a star.

I was dying
They would probably think I was lying
But I was busy not crying
I really thought they weren't buying those very real tears
The pain was and started amplifying
I was really just wondering if I needed to be clarifying

Procrastination

We stare unto the clouds
Waiting for the next instruction,
maybe of a fantasy to live in for the next hour
Then when days pass we start to wonder “what happened, who to do the dishes, who did the laundry?”
Then standing there in our one person apartment wondering who else we mean when we say “we”?
We didn't remember the broken bowls and ate in our only hat
We didn't see a future with life and carefree function
Only slightly  breathing through a telescope

Towering headlights screaming through the skies of daily banter
For a cup of wine and a glass of tea
Mixed shades of blue, winters blooming crystals
Sad sad mister snowman withering at the sight of bees
A tired Hawthorne and some busy Daisies
Carrying the leaves of tomorrows autumn day
Have a blanket
waiting for the dawn
with me