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Mimmi 1d
Key
I just let the words leave my head.
But they are so dark and heavy,
that they weigh me down even more than when they left me.

When I write, the weight is suppose to leave me
Not reappear when I read it
Where all the gates are now closed surrounding all that is me
And my heart is locked and the key is nowhere to be found


Swedish

Jag lät orden bara lämna mitt huvud
Men de är så mörka och tunga att de väger ner mig mer än när de lämnade mig.

När jag skriver är det meningen att det tunga ska lämna mig. Inte läsa in mig och stänga alla grindar och spärra in mitt hjärta
A poem I started writing in Swedish but left it unfinished, so I translated the beginning and the rest just came.
Mimmi Mar 1
The night I hurt myself

No one knew

The room was full

But no one saw

I was right there

But also not there

No one knew

No one saw

More or less I bled in silence

In front of them

But in hiding

No one knew

No one saw

(Maybe no one really cared.)
Self harm, is a bad thing, for good people trying their best to survive.
Mimmi Feb 23
I don't feel good
I don't feel bad
I am feeling everything and nothing

Am I back
Am I gone
Am I where I started
Am I where I begun

Empty yet to full
Constant music in my ears
Keeping the silence away
Shadows thrive in darkness and silence

I don't feel good nor bad
Everything and nothing contain my heart
Back and gone
Start och beginning

I am back at it again.
Mimmi Jan 21
It's like I know the problem

I see the problem

But I don't understand the definition of what a problem is

I see three thousand windows to houses I don't recognize

And now I'm back at square one and I have no clue




"Fattar ingenting"

Det är som att jag vet problemet
Ser problemet,
Men förstår inte vad problem är,
Ser tretusen fönster till hus jag inte känner igen.
Och nu är jag tillbaka på ruta ett och fattar ingenting.
Translation of one of my Swedish poems
Mimmi Jan 21
Sometimes I wish
That I had a Sign

Like a constant notepad
For people to read

Maybe then they would try to
Listen a little closer

But I wear the silent bells now
Calling with my empty voice

The room gets bigger
But I feel suffocated

Fidgeting with no fingers
Bleeding nails of yesterday

Or mere seconds ago
I spin walk around in an oval shape with edges

Sometimes I wish for an open wound
Needing care

People bring bandage to a funeral
And flowers to a wedding

Pictures of the beautiful ******
Ignoring the anxiety cloud of a Girl

I get through the sorl of breaths and coffe
The sounds of the red light klonking loudly

Breaking through my headphones

Sometimes I really wished they could see
See my constant struggle to survive in this neurotypical World
Sometimes I get frustrated by the fact that my autism is invisible to the naked eye.
My daily and minute by minute struggle of life.
Every autistic person is different, I am still exploring all of my autistic and ADD sides and finding new versions of stimming, fidgeting and difficulties that I have unconsciously been masking.
Mimmi Jan 12
No one saw my pain
Even when I had no idea how to smile
I was literally dying inside
And at the closest call of ending it

No one saw my pain
I was sort of always in the backround
It sounds like a clyche but it was my reality

Everybody saw a door as a door
I saw a gate with steel bars and no password to get inside
They saw new people as an opportunite
I saw them as kings and queens, as higher royalty than me
I could never reach their level of "hey be my friend"
Why were they so scary
Why was I so afraid
I have no answer
It was just constant hell and me seeking for help without asking

I am not a happy pearl
I am not a bursting sea
I don't know when to turn back and wave for help
I always felt so trapped, there was just no place for me
Of all the steps I took, there was no shoes to be filling the path I made in the snow
Not a single one followed me, for my secrets are meant to be kept?

If they had just looked a little closer, way past the camera lense
They would have seen my scar, and my bleeding hand
They were always so happy and cheerful as they could be,
As I was laying on the ground thinking about what could be

How are they so carefree, when I plan every step and move I make
To not be in the way, but also be seen
I tried so hard playing that part, but with no confidence

They were all so cheerful
I just didn't understand
How can I be in the same room
But not understanding what is there

I just kept hiding those flaws they never saw
I didn't dare to eat the dinner that we cooked
I stayed far away and went around as a busboy the whole day

I think I could have been more
Maybe just a little more off the side
Not right in the middle but like a quarter of enough

I kept it a secret as long as I could
But I had to give an answer and to the emergency we went
I was hiding
I was venting
I was in pain
I am in pain
Will I always feel this pain inside
This was years ago,  you would think memories would go
But not mine no, they stay hidden until they pop up and i'm right back there again.
This is a poem like story telling of a trip I did with my choir some years ago. My mental state was B A D but what was more frustrating was the people who was there, who were supposed to be my friends knew nothing, they saw nothing and so alone I was and felt.
Mimmi Jan 11
Didn't know I was the background girl
Until I saw
How unhappy can someone be until they understand
They aren't even their own main character

Need to feel needed
There goes the background girl

Camera lens pointing forward with you behind
You are the background girl

Even the shadow forgot their ticket to the show
The background girl

Not welcomed by their own soul
Background girl..
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