i have this image of God in my head
he's a  faceless man
with gold linen
draped over his body
light emanates from the gap where his head should be

i have this image of God in my head
he looks and sounds like a teacher
not the teacher who forgives your mistakes and helps you learn
but the one who kicks you out of their classroom
and calls you stupid
when you ask a question

i have this image of God in my head
he's pushing through a crowd of strangers who all have the same face
but i'm falling down a bottomless drain
and he's coming to save me
but he doesn't make it in time

i have this image of God in my head
and he's there, but he's not

i have this image of God in my head
or maybe i don't
and i have these secular images in my head
and i really see no God

I wonder if your agony parallels mine
If you lay awake in the midst of the darkness thinking of my smile
My hand holding yours as we strolled against the wind

I can still remember the waves and how they smelled
Salt in the air stinging my skin
Your soft voice filling my ears
“I love you”

I can still remember the blue in your eyes
How it twinkled against the moonlight
The sweetness in its intensity while you looked at me

Now here we are
All I can recall is your voice, sharp as you let me go
I listened to you tell me, “time for us to part,”
I let your words sink in, stinging worse than the sand
My heart plummeted into my chest

Break me in two
I let you **** me

And I went back to smiling
And I went back to laughing
See, the break was too large
The pain, too cruel

The only thing left for me to do is pretend that you never existed

To forget the moonlight
Under which you confessed your love
To forget your smile, the way it mixed with the salty air
To forget the intensity of your eyes
How their blue twinkled alongside the moonlight

I have to forget you
Because surely,
Your agony does not parallel mine

when shall i learn that a line must be drawn
for the sake of my sanity
how can i accept my own demise due to my service of others?
i must wash my hands clean of the guilt i possess
for i harm no one as greatly as myself

i swim in oceans of my misery and drown in pools of my sorrow
terror fills my lungs and breaks away at the tissue in them

¨careful!¨ i scream
i cannot allow myself to fall victim to my own mind
the racing and pumping of my thoughts breaking down the barriers i have built
there is nothing left to protect my self-esteem
no armed guards to stop the negativity in its tracks
no brick wall to block the sadness from reaching me

dangerous. is the only world i can use to describe my thoughts
a battlefield of mines bursting with anger
sticks of dynamite, disguised as flowers to lure and destroy
the question is, who are they meant to hurt?

are they meant to agitate me further to turn my back on myself?
refusing the possibility that happiness can be found?
or are they meant to bring pain to others?
to keep me in control of the opinions and decisions of my peers?
does she aim to help or control?

perhaps, my mind is losing track of what i was thinking
allowing me room to doubt myself
is my mind trying to convince me that i am the parasite in the lives of others,
feeding off of their souls
i believe she is right
to tell me that i do things in order to gain
she tells me, that i do not wish to help, only to hurt

i understand now that i am up against myself
left up to my own devices
no one is under obligation to assist me in battling my demons
i will struggle and fight, until my last breath
to let my own mind defeat me, is to allow defeat inside of my own fortress

i will never be unarmed again

insecurity is poisonous

because it will enter

your bloodstream

using your eyes and

seep out of your

mouth to infect

those who have only

treated you well

the rose, scented and floating across from me
its thorns were prominent and sharp
a means of protection for the delicate creature
red pigment screamed to the sun
wishing to meet the sun´s eyes
the petals stretched and reached with the leaves

he stayed perched up in the skin
blinding those who got too near to him
the sun never took notice of the bleak rose
he was busy shining for the world around,
drying children off as they played in the cold ocean waves
deepening the nutmeg color in the skin of those who let him

so the rose whined, and reached endlessly for what she could never grasp
and the sun continued to do his job, never realizing the fulfillment he would've had,
if only he took a chance

the red and yellow fire glistened behind her eyes
shone so brightly it was obvious to the specators
the red and yellow sparks frightened her and those who flanked her
when they saw the saturated color of the flames errupting no one could stand by her any longer
it was clear that she was set to explode

spectators watch from afar as the red and yellow flames rapidly consumed her
as they ate away at every part of her flesh
the smell of burning organs groped their nostrils
filling them to the brim with a stench they could not withstand

the girl stared as the people continued to back away
stuff their noses with their sleeves
and felt as she burned
her body became bloated with the fire
and then she burst
into a great flame that scorched everything in its path

the specators watched the finale
as she disappeared
into the red and yellow flames
and was never heard from again

her mouth was sealed shut
and her eyes were leaking
she didnt let out a single word
from the outside everything seemed serene
tranquil, but sad
wrong.

her mouth was sealed shut
and her mind was on fire
she didnt let out a single word
from the inside the chaos was immeasurable
infinite, still sad
close.

her mouth was sealed shut
but her heart was beating a thousand miles a minute
the voice in her mind was projecting her insecurities back in her face
on the outside everyone knew she was better than this
but on the inside she felt she wasnt

so she let everyone glance at her placid face
and she let her mind battle itself inside of her skull
tranquil face and infinite chaos
correct.

there is beauty in every person
like a seed perfectly sown
by planters with years of life experience

time passes and the seed is watered
with waste, and humiliation
pain, and sorrow

but somehow
it still finds the sweet nectar
of creativity and love

slowly, the seed will
sprout into a beautiful flower
a different one to match every soul

there is beauty in every person

but beauty does not grow
through happy life experiences
beauty comes from the spirit
that transforms the wrongs its been dealt
into flowers for those who hurt them

i will sit alone
and i will stare at those stars
the ones that litter the night sky
like little shining blemishes

i will sit alone
and i will stare at the window
the one that separates me from a fatal plummet
like a guardian

i will sit alone
and i will stare at myself
the version of me that is filled with nothing
like a lifeless corpse, floating

i will sit alone
and i will stare at the people
the ones who roam freely, carelessly
like real, living people

i will sit alone

because no matter

how many people

surround me

i am always

i will always be

alone

something about me is fallen
my walk is not the same
the lengthy strides I took in confidence
are now short steps that I fumble
the hours I spent sculpting my figure through exercise
are now spent in my bed asleep re living the nightmare
and you
you are especially different
the affection you poured onto me
and the time you devoted
are now excruciatingly difficult to live without
you fooled me into thinking we were something more
than a new story to boast through to your friends

i am a madwoman
so mad that i lay awake at night
and wonder whether youre mind
is racing as fast as mine
looking to win first place
and land in the depths of my happiness

i am a madwoman
so mad that i wander through the day
aimlessly strolling
from store to store
looking for the perfect distraction
while secretly hoping that i am yours

i am a madwoman
so mad that i pick up my phone
every now and then and call you
just to check if youre still there
because my mind can’t seem to forget you yet

i am a madwoman
so mad that i plunge myself into every minuscule task
working for a bone, like a dog
to avoid the gruesome possibilities
that i know are most likely true

i am a madwoman
because a madwoman can convince herself
of the impossible

and i have managed to convince myself
that you love me

how do i describe the feeling of that january morning? the serenity of the cool air nipping at my skin, while the chilled lake water rocked the wooden dock beneath me. i took the peaceful walk from the house to the lake barefoot. the coolness emanating from the cobblestone seeped into the soles of my feet.
      i walked down the winding pathway and allowed my eyes to scan over the greenery that flanked me on both sides. tulips and lavender flowers blooming in the cold air. mulch filled the area around grass and flowers, keeping them protected and safe. bees kissed flowers and mingled as i strolled passed. how beautiful and tranquil a scene i was honored to witness.
      i dragged ironically eager feet over wobbly brown planks on route to the dock ahead. i felt water sway aggressively beneath my feet as a boat raced past the dock. a glimpse of a small hand waving graced my vision with the passing of the boat. my balance fumbled, but my mentality stayed steady. when i finally lowered myself onto the wooden box on the edge of the dock, the warmth of my coffee finally began to soak into my palms.
      my eyes continued to glaze over the scene before me, and for the next few moments, i felt the serenity of the universe consume my entire begin. after sixteen years, a moment of fulfillment. finally at home.
      the sun sent droplets of his sunlight down to caress the lake and offer her the gentlest of kisses. the droplets glistened off of the lake´s ripples and flirted with the water. they danced and bounced upon the lake until she shone so brightly it was hard to look directly at her. as the two became familiar, i felt the sun retreat. his light slowly faded away and his kisses disappeared all together.
      as the hours passed and he was seated back upon his throne, the lake was left empty, deserted. her sadness did not go unnoticed, the wind understood her pain, so she picked up and pulled us both out of our trance.
      the lake was offered the kinder kiss of the moon, and she accepted. the fainter light and the lighter kisses became what kept her whole. there was a air of mystery surrounding him and the lake soaked it up. he became her new lifesource, she found something that kept her going.
      me, i received my sustinance from writing this poem.

i am just thinking about the fact that you really don't fall in love with people
you're in love with chasing the next elevation
worried about feeling warm skin against yours
the calmness of another heartbeat to focus on
instead of numbing your pain with healing
you've chosen a battle you're only going to lose

When I met the sun
Like my mother,
Her warmth lay upon my skin
Caressing my frozen fingers
And thawing my frigid heart
Then she passed me to the moon and said
“It’s your turn”

So I met the moon
I watched him grin, as my father does
And his moonbeams cooled down my torrid skin
He patted my torched fingers and covered them with verglas
Then he scowled and said
“I cannot reach your heart,”
So he shifted me to the earth

And I met the earth
The dirt immersed itself under my fingernails
The trees lifted my bleeding body with their gentle branches
And caressed me as the wind swayed my fragile limbs back and forth
The earth held me, tattered, and said
“My child, you are broken”
Then she dispatched me to my maker

Where my journey ends
I do not remember my maker
I met the sun, the moon, and the earth
Who all took their turns trying to mend the mangled body presented to them
The earth delivered me, fractured, to the maker
But I am so far gone, that even this celestial being could not restore my form

Their efforts, however good intention
Were futile
The sun, the moon, the earth, my maker
My end - the afterlife
And I must acquiesce

As a child I was soft.

And I spent my time aloft

The Michigan snow

Looking down, about it



Swimming in her icy wind

Innocent then, I headed down

The frostiest road, (unknowingly)

Listening to Amira unfold



Her cruel and caustic opinions, bold

Upon my beaten little brain.

What a conniving killer Michigan can be.



Distraught in how she sees me,

Amira knocked me off my feet!

So I fell below, burrowing into the snow.



Who was always more loving, than

My dear aunt, Amira (could know).

i would just like to say that you make me angry. when i think of your unoriginality and your entitled tone of speech, my blood boils. sometimes i think of how much happier i would be if i could leave your bland face behind and just start over. your face makes me want to pack up all my things and run to the edge of the planet.


possibly fall off !

when he looks into your soul and professes his love, let him speak.
when he strokes your hair and calls you beautiful, let him speak.
when he looks at you with warms eyes and asks if you need anything, let him speak.

when the chorus of screams rains down on you, let it pour.
when your shoes wont slip on and the rain is destroying your psyche, let it tear away the pain he caused.
when the tears burn through your pores, let them cleanse your heart.

when youre pacing around the chilled night, let the cold sink into your bones. when his name flashes through your phone screen, let it ring until it dies. when the voices of your friends pick up and send you into a state of panic, let yourself remember their true love for you.

when the warmth of the mazda warms the tips of your fingers, let the hurt set in.
when your tears turn into uncontrollable sobs, let your peace be in the arms of your friends.
when you feel like the world is spinning off of its axis, let yourself breath.

when you feel the safety of anothers home, let your heart sink into the pillows.
when your body gives into the feeling of floating amongst clouds, let your mind escape the inevitable destruction.
when your friends begin patching wounds with stitches, let them help you.

when the anger becomes too much to bare, let yourself write this poem.
when your universe plummets to its knees before you, let yourself feel.
when you remember all the ones before, let yourself learn.

when you remember what he did, let yourself remember that you are worthy, you are incredible, you are beautiful and you will be loved.

i wonder why i can never swallow my pride
is it because i know that you'll take advantage of my vulnerability?
or is it because my pride is the only constant in my life?
the only thing that keeps me grounded

i wonder why you can never swallow yours either
is it because you simply don't care
or do you care so much that you're terrified?

i wonder why i always find the people who are emotionally unavailable the most attractive
its said that opposites attract
so which one of us is lying to the other?

i sit shotgun in her pickup truck
with a pen in my hand
a notebook resting in my lap
and i try my best to focus
focus on anything
anything to stop this

the whole car starts to spin
my heart beat thumps in my brain
a nauseous feeling creeps up from my stomach to my throat
and just before i lose my breath
she stops the car

i can hear her voice spilling from her mouth like sweet honey
and she says:

“focus on the pen in your hand, charlie.”

“breathe, charlie.”

“you’re okay, charlie.”
“you’re okay, charlie.”

then a miraculous thing happens

the car stops spinning
my heart stops thumping in my brain
the nauseous feeling finds itself a way out of my body
and i breathe because,

“im okay, sam.”