I miss you a lot, but I think it would be impossible to ever tell you how much.
And you know that I’ve always been bad with words.
You remember I never knew what to say, when we sat together at the table for all of the “failing” kids in pre-calc, but you always knew what to say back then.
I remember you always knew what to say.
Even when we talked about nothing, you could tell me something.
I miss you a lot.
I think now that even if it were impossible to ever tell you how much, that I have to at least tell you how I cope.
Because then maybe you could understand somehow.
Somehow maybe you could understand.
I’m in college now and I don't go back home too much.
I pretend like I’m too important, or that I have too much going on to be there.
But you know the truth, you know it hurts too much.
But I go back sometimes, and when I do I go to the Freddy's parking lot, and I sit in my car. In that old plaza we used to work in.
And I put on “To This Day” by Shane Kocyzan and I shut my eyes as tightly as I can.
I listen a few times and pretend like you’re in the passenger’s seat listening with me, and sometimes I cry.
And sometimes I don’t.
Every time it hurts the same.
But I have to do it.
I have to do it to remember you, because I can’t ever forget you.
I do it hoping you’ll see me and sit with me.
Like really sit with me, just for a few minutes.
All I need is a few minutes.
I have to do it because maybe it’ll make me miss you less.
Or maybe you’ll see me and you’ll know how sorry I am.
How sorry I am that I didn’t go to your memorial.
I have to do it because I didn’t go to your memorial.
I do it because I have to tell you that we love you and that it wasn’t your fault, but you know that it wasn’t your fault and you know that we love you.
And I hope you know how sorry I am that I didn’t go to your memorial.
But you know that I’ve always been bad with words, and you always knew what to say.
And even if it’s impossible for you to hear me, I have to tell you how sorry I am.
That I didn't go to your memorial.
Then I turn up “to this day” and I remember you and I have to do it because I miss you too much.
Your remorseful friend, V