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vera Feb 2020
sometimes i get so sad that i shut down. i forget how to move. i forget how to speak. people talk to me, but i cant hear them. sometimes i get so sad that i cant even cry. a feeling of numbness washes over me. other times, i feel lie if i get out of bed, ill surely die.

sometimes i get so happy that i go into overdrive. i forget what sadness feels like. i forget how to stop speaking and laughing. i feel as if my heart will explode and ill never be able to stop the surge of joy. sometimes i get so happy that i cry while i smile. a feeling of euphoria washes over me. other times i feel that if i dont share this feeling, ill surely die.

then there are periods of nothing. i guess what im looking for is balance. how do i find harmony?

i dont want to fall too hard
or jump too high

i just want to walk on water.
vera Feb 2020
1) I drenched myself in meaningful moments. Cherished each smile I received and each hug I shared with someone dear to me.

2) I replaced my anger with laughter. Learned that the only person hurting from my anger is me.

3) I stopped being afraid to leave people behind. When someone treats me cruelly, I remove them from my reality.

4) I watch the sunset and take the time to reflect on myself. I have to face my demons to put my mind to rest.

5) I took 'regret' out of my vocabulary. No point in dwelling on a pain that I can't change.

Now I see peace, seated next to me.
vera Feb 2020
melancholy as I may be,
the world has not halted on its axis, as I may believe
the robin still sings, bringing in the new day
the sun still ascends in the east, filling the day with its warm glow
and descends in the west, leaving a haunting chill behind
the people still dance under street lights
and roar with laughter in the glimmer of the sun
the moon still fills the world with beams of white light,
bringing in the new night
now I realize that your world still spins
but mine has halted
- goodnight sun
vera Jan 2020
When I met the sun
Like my mother,
Her warmth lay upon my skin
Caressing my frozen fingers
And thawing my frigid heart
Then she passed me to the moon and said
“It’s your turn”

So I met the moon
I watched him grin, as my father does
And his moonbeams cooled down my torrid skin
He patted my torched fingers and covered them with verglas
Then he scowled and said
“I cannot reach your heart,”
So he shifted me to the earth

And I met the earth
The dirt immersed itself under my fingernails
The trees lifted my bleeding body with their gentle branches
And caressed me as the wind swayed my fragile limbs back and forth
The earth held me, tattered, and said
“My child, you are broken”
Then she dispatched me to my maker

Where my journey ends
I do not remember my maker
I met the sun, the moon, and the earth
Who all took their turns trying to mend the mangled body presented to them
The earth delivered me, fractured, to the maker
But I am so far gone, that even this celestial being could not restore my form

Their efforts, however good intention
Were futile
The sun, the moon, the earth, my maker
My end - the afterlife
And I must acquiesce
- i am with the trees now
vera Jan 2020
I wonder if your agony parallels mine
If you lay awake in the midst of the darkness thinking of my smile
My hand holding yours as we strolled against the wind

I can still remember the waves and how they smelled
Salt in the air stinging my skin
Your soft voice filling my ears
“I love you”

I can still remember the blue in your eyes
How it twinkled against the moonlight
The sweetness in its intensity while you looked at me

Now here we are
All I can recall is your voice, sharp as you let me go
I listened to you tell me, “time for us to part,”
I let your words sink in, stinging worse than the sand
My heart plummeted into my chest

Break me in two
I let you **** me

And I went back to smiling
And I went back to laughing
See, the break was too large
The pain, too cruel

The only thing left for me to do is pretend that you never existed

To forget the moonlight
Under which you confessed your love
To forget your smile, the way it mixed with the salty air
To forget the intensity of your eyes
How their blue twinkled alongside the moonlight

I have to forget you
Because surely,
Your agony does not parallel mine
- im sorry
vera Oct 2019
For the last four months, the gears usually churning in my head have halted to an eerie stop. I can't recall anything passed and I can't think of anything new. Dust accumulated on gears big and small making them appear certainly abandoned. It was joined by cobwebs and the spiders who willed them into existence. If I concentrate hard enough I'm sure I will feel them crawling around looking for any sign of life or sustenance. Perhaps these poor creatures are out of luck. I think next, the rust will start to form, and then I will really be in trouble. It will corrode every last piece of metal and take no regard for the way it destroys me. Slowly, the gears will turn orange, and then brown, and then they will cease to exist at all. And that is when I will truly be a lost cause. I guess in a way I'm only getting what I’ve always wanted: for the gears to take a break, to stop churning so mercilessly all the time, to stop working countless possibilities over and over and over again. The most futile effort I’ve ever known. When the gears fall, I think I will be normal. Finally, in correspondence with the people I see around me, I will be just the same. Feigning happiness will not be required, because maybe I will just feel it.
vera May 2019
princess, oh princess where has your tiara gone?
its proud display upon your head graces our eyes no more
no longer atop your hair,
and intertwined with the strands, so fair

princess, oh princess, where has your grace gone?
your soft embrace and hearty walk live amongst the shadows
not a single smile to melt the hearts of your people

princess, oh princess where has your happiness gone?
i see no glimmer in your eyes, no rose in your cheeks
has it abandoned you as well?

i wish you would wake, princess of mine
for, i fear that you are breathing no more

when i glance in the mirror, the reflection i see is not you
its a hollow-eyed beast, no doubt your rotting corpse

princess, oh princess why must you have passed?
i need you now more than ever,
for it seems i cannot complete this task
without my dearest princess, i am a goner,

i will not last.
- the princess has passed
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