a trail of darkness
left behind

whispers of oblivion surround me
as I rummage through the shadows
to find her bows, black as the sky
it's all she left behind

will I ever find her?
will the light lead me to her?

gracefully tracing your veins
like a dainty necklace swinging from collarbone
to the other
the sun comes up too early
& we’re too busy inhaling the chemicals
drunk off of each other;
empty wine glass pieces, broken on the floor
droplets of scarlet red, scattered all around
we’re losing control in our nicotine dreams
and we just get higher and higher
till we’re above the world
we sing along to grunge music just to drown
the silence and
we taste each other’s lips, wet with tears
I surrender to your grip, I stop fighting
I let my body slip through your fingers
like waterfalls
like tears

I hold you in my lungs like nicotine

I thought the world was big enough for me;
palms that hold the ocean together so
it doesn’t escape between locked fingers,
loveless wrists that drown in the abyss where
I occupy this space that isn’t mine.

I need to be less than I am to fit in between
bars,
so I can escape the prisons of this gruesome insanity
darling, stitch my bones together before
I collapse into scattered pieces
take away from the numbers and make them smaller
like my throbbing heart
and hide those starless veins where there’s no breath
and don’t forget to make a fortress out of my dying skin
for the birds no longer sing on delicate silk sheets

I look past my reflection in the mirror;
whale-sized thighs, and
arms too big for the oceans
rain pours down like sharp daggers
into my flesh, and I’m tired
teeth hurt, and I’m tired
heart pounding, and I’m tired
my mermaid waves leave my head like
an old porcelain doll, dying
and I’m tired
I teach my body how to stop needing,
in with the calories, and I’m tired
out with the calories, and I’m really tired
silent screams echo at the fake reflection
that stares blindly through the broken
mirrors
**** me up, I’m seeing stars tonight
bones aching, and I’m smiling
bullets to the head, and I’m smiling
painstakingly dancing through the night
till I’m void of nothing,
they say empty is beautiful, and I want
so dearly to feel beautiful
calories scattered on the floor, like the
those scattered thoughts of everything
I used to be
and everything I am now
scatterbrain, tell me how you feel
when your insides are void of
self-love
you eat hatred for breakfast
and spit self-pity into your toilet
tell me again, silly girl,
do you feel beautiful now?

I woke up to her,
drenched in wine
and mascara tears
I woke up,
wore my dress
and
stared out of her window
as if it were mine,
as if I had the right to
undress her fears
and throw them
on railway tracks.
I woke up and I
couldn’t look at her
without cringing
the bruises,
the tender skin,
the way she screamed
through the night
and held my body
for safety
I woke up and I
felt her drift away
from everything
we have known
I woke up and
I shouldn’t have
woken up.

I was born with wounds in my head
they tell me I’ll be better and they give me pills
but oh, nothing takes you out of
me for you are stitched into my soul
like disease.
Sometimes I want to hide in my
mother’s womb and build
a fortress of all the tears we’ve cried
you and I
so there's a bed
and there’s our bodies intertwined
like homes that swallow the skies
and dance under the pouring rain
and during hurricanes
there’s a body and there’s another
there’s a pill and there’s the other
and there’s my dry mouth begging for
a drizzle, from your soul, boy.

**** medications.

I wake up on your side of the bed
cold, without you to bring sunlight
to dandelion bones, shaken by the
violent winds
and dimmed stars that sew our
eyes shut, together and then apart
like children on swing sets
on a warm summer night.

blow these dandelion bones far
apart and into the sky
till I’m void of anything but
battered skin and galaxy bruises
till I’m nothing but
everything.

I walked hallways and corridors that led me to
nowhere but haunting blood scenes
and ***** nooses hanging with emptiness
where the bodies used to be
whispers screaming to be heard from the ceilings
and the corners
like bone edges on her body, ribcage swallowing
the birds up whole,
feathers between the lips
and blood on the fingertips where her hands
once held the carcasses of lost souls

I write poems that I never finish
*the end.

your eyes glare in the darkness
like dimmed stars in the night sky
words upon words and knives that
go through the chest
and out,
like harsh touches
resembling fires and hurricanes
and I’m lost
like a little child looking for the
love of a dead father
scars upon scars and
battle wounds
in the heart, in the soul
(but you won’t be the death of me.)

so many bodies lie
rotting and I’m sick
many hands digging
holes in the ground
and I’m sick. I’m sick
and tired.
I think of how you
used to be, and the
weight of the world
squeezes my neck
till my heart splatters
like red paint
on an empty canvas.
I’m sick, and I let you
carve abandonment
into my flesh.
I’m sick and I want to
sleep where the bodies
don’t sleep.

my lungs are burning up for you
and you just stand there
admiring the fireworks.

don't create distance between us,
like painting oceans between the skies & lands
unreachable,
like,
branches caging you from beneath your deepest
secrets.
and no amount of rain is enough to make the
drought in my eyes leave, like all the people
we said goodbye to
at train stations & graveyards
that soon became as empty & cold as
the bottles she'd drowned her sorrows into;
setting skins on fire & smoking death into the lungs
like snow-kissed bodies whispering love songs to ghosts
oh dear Bukowski, girls like her don’t learn to
walk through fires
they are fire-lungs & burnt skies,
haunted nursery rhymes bleeding out of souls
like volcanoes & violin screams.

Your long black branches are broken into fine detailed pieces,
One piece followed by the other in harmonizing perfection,
Unfolding dark colossal secrets of your past.
The howling sound of your cries beckons my soul,
The scent of your cut-off roots lures me into your sanctuary,
With tears on your fragile leaves, I hear you talk
And I solemnly listen; your resonant voice pierces my ears.
I silently scream into your exuberant core,
Closing its walls upon my vulnerable body,
Choking in subsequent intervals of beat-racing time.
Your radical leaves blind my vision,
And you watch my petals wilt into thin air.
The chemicals you inject me with are dominant to my thorns,
Inducing a form of uncontrollable intolerance towards you,
And yet, I don't want to depart from your strong grip.
You're designed to break me, to degrade me from my shelter,
And to degrade yourself from affection and sentimental memories
You could rip my roots off, but your suicidal acts shall remain.
I lie in your core, distant from the raindrops that keep me breathing
Only to realize that, you've left me..
*Leafless.

it's 2 am
and she is
inhaling lightlessness
black oceans through the veins
like the sky without
the moon comforting her
through his loneliness
because her eyes were shut,
swallowed the stars into
the heart
and dimmed the glow
like unlit glitter
turning into dust.