i screamed your name until the ceiling cracked 5.7.25 (3:55 pm)
i cared too much about you to let you go
i cried for hours
i screamed your name until the ceiling cracked
and fell on me

i knelt in the shards of a roof and cut myself with them
until grief ran in red rivulets

it wasn’t fair, was it
because it also wasn’t your fault
it was mine too,
there’s blame to share

worth it 6.4.25 (7:22 pm / 19:22)
you’re a little hard to love often enough
you’re a little difficult to tell what’s up
but you’re completely worth it

you are worth every single tear shed
you are worth every angry text sent
you are worth every moment of silence
you are worth every second you breathe
and breathe and live

you’re a little strange sometimes
you’re a little embarassing, i’ll admit
but you’re forever worth it

i’m slowly breaking 5.27.25 (5:47 pm / 18:47)
i’m slowly breaking, can’t you see
can’t you understand me?

i don’t need to be diagnosed,
i just want you to hold me
and know me and see me

i don’t care that i’m broken in a hundred different ways
i don’t care that i’m cutting and starving
and crying alone and being depressed

i don’t care that the whole world is just closing in
claustophobically
crushingly

i’m slowly breaking
and i don’t care
i just want you to be here

your footprints are still there 6.25.25 (12:41 pm / 12:41)
your footprints are still there
pressed into the beach
unmarred unmarked unblemished by the tide

you seem endless

i guess there are still happy things
drawing stars in damp sand
saying
i was here

i was here, you were here
i said we share this place now

your footprints are still there
but mine
too close to the water
too close to the relentless currents
they were washed away

the sand says i was never here

[playing: rises the moon by liana flores]

i wish 5.27.25 (5:53 pm / 18:53)
i wish you would let me starve myself
i wish you didn’t feed me so carefully
i’ll be happier if you let me not eat

i want to be smaller than small
skinnier than skinny
weightless, i want to fly

i want the scale to go downdowndown
little moments of glee and triumph,
smaller and thinner and skinnier

swim coach seems to notice
she can see most of my ribs
that was a glorious moment

i wish you would let me go further,
drop farther,
if only

too sad for words 6.21.25 (5:10 pm / 17:10)
i am just so sad sometimes
too sad for words

i wish 5.27.25 (5:53 pm / 18:53)
i wish you would let me starve myself
i wish you didn’t feed me so carefully
i’ll be happier if you let me not eat

icarus ii 7.1.25 (5:41 pm / 17:41)
i would like to burn
i would like the sun to strip me down to the bones
and find and newer better person underneath
i would like to scream and cry until my tears dry and i lose my voice
surely by then i’ll be stronger

i would, too,
like to mount my metal wings and fly
oh, fly
so close to our savior star
until i die
smiling

then maybe i’ll be resurrected
and everything will be fine then
because i will be someone new

and this me
weak fragile not enough me
will be gone
nothing but ashes

i’ll be happy

icarus 6.29.25 (4:00 pm / 16:00)
i, too
want to fly so close to the sun
that i become ashes
and when i am dead
then i will smile and laugh

and i will be happy

as i drift
as dust
into s p a c e

happy 6.17.25 (7:35 pm / 19:35)
it’s so hard to learn to be the old me
a person who’d never seen the dark
and never touched the edges
and never been drowning

it’s so hard to learn to be better
so hard to forget the razor in the bathroom drawer
if you tested it
there’d be my blood

it’s so hard to stop
so hard to keep wearing long sleeves in the summer
so hard to ignore your strange glances
you’re right,
you were right when you said i’ve changed

it’s too hard to be happy

[playing: 2 hold u by clairo]

gone 4.29.25 (5:17 pm)
gone,
so gone
a hole in the universe
where you used to be
cold air where you were
once breathing

you’re gone
and i can’t bring you back

impossible 6.21.25 (2:07 pm / 14:07)
it feels so
impossible
to carry on

i know i wrote a poem called carry on
that day was a good day, may 7, 2025
that day was a day i might have been happy

it feels so impossible to go back there
that light and love are impossibly far away
everything good is impossible for me

i want someone to make impossible possible
i want someone to at least want to help me
please
is it so hard?
i've tried for you, would you try for me too?

maybe that's impossible too
just wishful thinking
there's no one here for me

i’ve tried so hard
it's impossible

she’s still there 6.10.25 (11:03 pm / 23:03)
it’s all over now
the naive stupid little girl i was
i hated i wished for i killed
she’s dead now or at least
she’s supposed to be

but maybe she’s still alive i think
all those years didn’t work all those years of torture
trapped inside my mind rotting being neglected she didn’t die

i think that though i might wish her dead that i might only be
an empty hollow dead shell
she’s still there
her ragged fingernails still painted silver scratching at the bars of my cage
of a heart
holding the iron she’s begging to be free
she’s still there i can feel it i know it

i think that maybe she has been there the whole time healing
waiting for a moment of weakness waiting for me to crack
sitting there watching licking her wounds
i just didn’t see her

[playing: magic 8 ball by cavetown and frankie cosmos]

untitled (7:22 pm / 19:22)
i don’t want to live i want to die
what’s wrong with me
what did i do
it’s all my fault isn’t it

it’s so hard to go on
and for no reason
no reason other than myself

looking up overdosages of pain meds on incognito
or even antidepressants
but doctors, they’ve made sure i can’t do that

i want to die because then it’ll be peaceful
quiet
nothing
darkness
no one

maybe falling is a beautiful thing 4.30.25 (9:25 am)
daisies grow wild in the woods
in dappled sunlight under the trees

fields of white petals
and yellow pollen floating in the air

maybe falling is a beautiful thing
maybe drowning is a peaceful thing
maybe dying is a lovely thing

maybe lying down in a daisy field
and falling asleep forever
is a painless thing

maybe i’d do it
if it were possible

oh juliet 5.17.25 (1:39 pm)
juliet, i’m sorry
sorry on behalf of humanity, i guess

juliet capulet
i’m sorry
they sold you off and he took you away

look i know you loved him
but why
i don’t think you ever should have met

oh juliet,
you weren’t even fourteen yet

it was only a mere thirteen years
and no longer a maiden
like you should have been forever

oh juliet, you deserved so much
so much better
i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry you died

by choice i know,
but a girl shouldn’t be ruled by a man

oh juliet
you should have had a throne
not a rusty dagger, not crying in the end
it’s no wonder she killed herself,
what’s a girl to do with a life like that?

juliet, in the next life
don’t cry
real queens don’t need a king
the only thing a boy’ll give you’s imprisonment
he’ll only treat you like a ******* toy

oh juliet
the more strength you have
as boundless as the sea,
the more it will be infinite

pride month 6.1.25 (5:10 pm / 17:10)
you were right, i guess
even though you don’t know yet

you have always been right about me
you have always known me better than myself
i have always been better in your eyes

i know i should be prouder
i know i should know better

[playing: till forever falls apart by ashe and finneas]

it is true 5.31.25 (10:03 pm / 22:03)
it is true i wished to die,
and perhaps so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all
prisoners?

it is true that my first thought
on a balcony was how far the fall
and not how beautiful the view
is this not lawful for all those trapped?

i am a bird in a cage
the key is sitting just outside

i am the swan with clipped wings
leda of sparta
no longer a girl
but still unable to fly away and escape

it is true,
it is true,
it is true

it is true i wished to fly,
and so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all birds?

[playing: softly by clairo]

i will love you 5.27.25 (4:34 pm / 16:34)
do you think that anything could make me stop loving you?
do you think that anything you do
anything you say
anything you want
anything you love
anything you wish for
could make me stop loving you?

even if you fall someday for somebody else
even if the earth blows up
and even if the oceans drown us
even if i die right now

i will love you
forever
and from the grave

[playing: would you fall in love with me again by jorge rivera-herrans and anna lea]

untitled 3 6.21.25 (1:29 pm / 13:29)
i can’t handle this anymore
i’m so tired
so sad i’m just so sad it’s crushing me
i don’t feel it when i cut
my scars are the only proof i was ever bleeding

i can’t do this what did i do for this to happen to me

7.6.25 (10:42 am / 10:42)
ariane.
all those lunches throughout the school year,
do you remember?
not just the two of us,
but somehow that still.

like the day of the dance-
i let you borrow my floral vintage dress,
and we all tried it on at our lunch table.

when i think of you,
i think of the way you twirled
and how the skirts flew in the air
and oh
how you laughed

at the dance we all posed for photos
looking at the camera
our mouths lip-gossed and pouting.
but my eyes always strayed back to you
and in one polaroid,
i’m smiling.

this is what i’ve been trying to tell you.

** m

Leda 5.28.25 (7:12 pm / 19:12)
i don’t know how to escape
i’ve forgotten how to run
all i know is white feathers
and trapped, held down

afterwards, what just happened
what do i do
where do i go
who do i cry out for help to

now the sky
is not where i go
far away,
i’ll never be alone

[inspired by leda and the swan by william butler yeats]

let the stars fall 5.22.25 (8:01 am)
it’s time to give up
isn’t it

time to let the snow bury me and the hail crush me
i’m giving up, let the stars all fall down

it’s dangerous with me tonight,
just go
i’d save you,
but why?

i’m giving up
what’s even worth living for?
you? me? us?
certainly not the universe, no

forever dissecting myself
in front of a mirror,
i’m not a blonde and blue-eyed barbie

oh it’s time to give it all up
and i’ll do it willingly

[playing: meteor shower by cavetown and hello? by clairo and rejjie snow]

when grief sits beside you 6.21.25 (7:21 pm / 19:21)
when grief sits beside you
she doesn’t speak.
she brushes your hair,
whispers meaningless things in your ear.

she pours you tea
in a cracked porcelain cup.
lets you choke.
you grow fond of her.
you call her by her name.

[playing: impossible by clairo]

help me 6.1.25 (5:07 pm / 17:07)
how bad can i possibly feel
how far down can i sink
before finally losing consciousness
how long until i drown in this well of sadness
i dug for myself?

how many times can one person
apologize for themself
how many times can one girl
feel so sorry about who she is?

i don’t even know when i went wrong,
god help me

fire 4.22.25 (10:37 am)
you were always fearless enough to get burned
brave enough to walk through the fire

but now i feel you left me
because i could not burn the way you did
didn’t light up like a star

you must have been born on the moon
because you glowed under the night sky

i remember you walking away
you said
i love you
did you?
did you mean it,
but not enough?
or was it all a lie?

now the cold settles around my bones
and i regret not following you
into the fire

Ariane 5.23.25 (5:44 pm / 17:44)
ariane i couldn’t not love you
if i tried

ariane it’s all i think about,
you and i

ariane i don’t think we ever could be some
kind of crime


oh you
you you you
i can’t get over you

[playing: i’ll die anyway. by girl in red and halley’s comet by billie eilish]

only once 6.4.25 (7:15 pm / 19:15)
you know, i know
that only once the world has ended
that only once the rain drowns us all
that only once the seas have risen too far
that only once our graves are dug and
we are buried
that only once we have been dead for a million years

that’s when i’ll stop loving you

[playing: supernatural by ariana grande]

persephone 5.21.25 (4:30 pm / 16:30)
persephone i’m not sure this will ever reach you
not sure it’ll pierce through your prison’s dark

persephone i’m sorry
oh persephone, forced down below
to live with Hades far from home

persephone life changed you
changed you from the girl who should have just been
frozen in time

persephone no one tried to save you
and i was far too late
persephone i’m not sure you’ll even care
these thousands of years later

persephone i wish we could turn back time

[playing: bye by ariana grande]

alive for you 6.26.25 (9:13 pm / 21:13)
i like to think i stay alive for you
i like to believe i breathe for you
i like to imagine my heart beats for you

i might be wrong
i'm probably crazy
it's a nice thought, anyways

[playing: the lakes - bonus track by taylor swift]

can i help you 5.23.25 (6:11 pm / 18:11)
please let me in
just this once
i need you to be alright

unfinished poems 5.27.25 (8:10 am)
there are so many unfinished poems
poems titled with your name
and a number
all the way up to 37

there are so many unfinished poems
about love
there are so many, so many
that i could not think of an ending to

i finish the sad ones
the ones tagged grief
the ones dreaming of a perfect world

but not the others
maybe i will never know the ending

[playing: long live by taylor swift]

someone tell me what i’m doing wrong 5.23.25 (5:20 pm / 17:20)
someone someone tell me what i’m doing wrong
i just want to know how i can fix it all up
however i may seem to you
i’m actually a people pleaser inside

someone someone someone tell me what i’m doing wrong
i’ll fake it till i make it or till i fall
oh just tell me,
i don’t want you to cry

tell me what’s so wrong
i’ve been strong my whole life
and now i’m getting tired,
it’s so fake i just want to be real for once

what should i do, what should i say?
where should i go, what’s even actually
real anyway?

well yes i’m a people pleaser at heart
so what can i do to fix this?

[playing: it’s all fake anyways by rainbow frog biscuits]

capitalization 6.20.25 (3:43 pm / 15:43)
i used to capitalize
i used to scream on the page
it seems like i used to be unafraid
and now i whisper
what happened to me?

[playing: no tears left to cry by ariana grande]

the fall 5.20.25 (4:29 pm / 16:29)
none of us are really afraid of heights
we’re afraid of the fall
we’re afraid of the pain
and what will happen when we hit the ground

is it wrong to not be scared
is is wrong to want that

i’m insane i know
i’m not all right, yes, i know

i know i wouldn’t care if i slipped
i know i’d be happy freefalling down
i know that wouldn’t be a bad end of me

maybe that’s wrong
to want to destroy such a gift
life

[playing: dandelion and hampstead by ariana grande]

i like you 6.17.25 (8:36 pm / 10:36)
i like you
not that kind of like, i just like you
i liked you when you said hi to me
i liked you when you smiled and it looked real
really real
i like you because you care and you remember and you seem to know everything

i liked you when you said
this gives me hope for our future
i liked you when you told me it would be alright

i liked you when you laid beside me on the woodchips
my head on your shoulder
and we stared at the sky

i like you
you know what it is to be sad
and you remember kindergarten
feeling alone
afraid to ask for friends

i like you
can we be friends?

[playing: rain by cavetown offline]

deleting poems 6.29.25 (6:32 pm / 18:32)
there were happy poems i wrote
apparently three thousand happy words
that i deleted

i couldn't look at them anymore

mood swings 6.21.25 (1:24 pm / 13:24)
something’s wrong with me, isn’t there
everyone says this is okay this is normal this is fine
doctors: this is just a side effect of the meds
friends: this happens to everyone
parents: it’ll be okay it’s okay

and me: this is fine i’m fine i can stay fine if i just keep this face of fineness
and blankness and stare into space

it’s not it’s not fine
i can’t do this anymore

i don’t believe in god but please someone help me
i was happy just a minute ago
please
let me go back

i would hug you 6.29.25 (8:00 pm / 20:00)
i would hug you, if you'd let me
i would hold you until neither of us could breathe and
i would tell you that you deserve so much better
than what you have
and anything i could give you

i would tell you i could never love you enough
you amazing loving person
i still don't understand
how someone who feels so unloved (you're not)
can love a world back with their whole heart

i would hug you, if i could
whisper to you all the truths you deserve

you're not alone
you're beautiful in every way
you're so kind compassionate caring in ways no one else could
ever be

believe me, please
when i tell you i get it
i promise

oh clara 5.20.25 (4:52 pm / 16:52)
oh clara bow
oh clara of the spotlights
oh clara of the silent tears
oh clara only remembered in black and white

clara who could cry on camera
just by thinking of when you were younger

clara underpaid and overworked
by hollywood

oh clara i feel like i might know you
oh clara of seeing in only gray and black and white

oh clara who were you
oh clara were you ever seen?
did you ever have a chance,
to see this world for yourself
or were you always looking through
an invisible girl’s eyes

oh clara of happiness and hope
oh clara of falling

clara of going crazy,
i see you
oh clara i understand

clara of being abandoned,
you’ll never know
i can wish a thousand times but you’ll never know
what a change you made

you’re the greatest thing we’ve lost

oh clara
clara clara clara of the light
clara of pretending,
open the door
come out, clara

come here and let me hold you


[playing: clara bow by taylor swift]

perfect reality 5.24.25 (1:54 pm / 13:54)
there is never a perfect reality
however much i wish for it

it’s like a painting and i’m trying to figure out what’s wrong,
just tell me,
help me make it right

maybe there are too many shadows
maybe the skyscrapers really do touch the clouds
i’m not sure but my brush can’t make it okay,

i’m on my knees now,
i don’t know why
it’s just all all all so wrong

have you ever felt so sad you can’t breathe
have your ribs and your chest and your heart
ever hurt so much
that they eventually go numb
because you just can’t take it anymore

have you ever taken a razor to your arm
because you want so badly to feel pain
you can understand
instead of aimless blind sadness

has it ever hurt for you
in your perfect reality

since forever 5.13.25 (8:08 am)
i feel like i’ve known you since forever
i feel like you and i have walked a thousand miles
in each other’s shoes
i feel like you know every place i’ve been

i feel like you and i
we’ll be together forever
i think you see all of me
i think maybe i see all of you

you never try to tell me who i am
you’re never looking for me
we just found each other

found each other, such a lucky thing
maybe i do believe in luck after all

if i told you i missed you 5.19.25 (7:13 pm)
love is really just knowing
isn’t it?
love is really just sitting next to each other
without even asking
love is just holding hands in hallways
the nice kind of silence
love is just sitting together and talking and talking
love is never getting tired of someone else

if i told you i missed all that
what would you do?
if i told you i missed you
would you come back?

lunar cycle 5.16.25 (10:11 am)
the lunar cycle continues forever
rotating and rotating and forever and forever

crescent, half, full
rewind
life
death
black
white

again and again
everything lit silver
a kind of surreal light

the kind that makes you want to lie down
on a dewy field of flowers
and stay there forever
watching the moon

for you 7.7.25 (8:02 pm / 20:02)
i don't want to stay here

though i could
right?












but if you said

"for me?"


















of course i would.

Ariane again 5.24.25 (1:50 pm / 13:50)
ariane i try so hard for you
and it’s worth it every day

ariane there is nothing i would not sacrifice
for you and i

ariane it doesn’t matter anymore
if you love me back or not
can you let me love you?

ariane when it’s just me and you
those are my favorite moments,
i just want you to know

ariane please,
i wish i weren’t desperate
but i want this
you
all the same

fat isn’t a ***** word 5.27.25 (5:03 pm / 17:03)
fat isn’t a ***** word,
you just taught us that it is

you say you’re a little overweight
when we visit you at the doctors

then you show us movies
and all the pretty girls have got 19 inch waists

then we scroll on the internet,
full of diet culture and skinny models

then you put us in front of mirrors
and expect us to not be sick at what we see

adults, you can do better

all you need is hate 5.23.25 (6:18 pm / 18:18)
all you need is hate
to start a fire

all you need is hate
to beat someone until they die
for loving some other gender than you

all you need is hate
to set fire to someone’s clothes
because of what they wear

all you need is hate
to kneel on someone’s neck
because their skin color is different from yours

all you need is hate
and a stupid stupid stupid reason
to make a blaze

all you need is hate
and other people who hate
and you can make a horrible difference

i want to say love can fix that
but i’ve given up,
i don’t know if it can

i’m fine 6.21.25 (1:59 pm / 13:59)
mhm. yes.
i
i- i was okay
i’m okay yes
yes i’m fine i’ve always been fine

it's just that im standing in the middle of a maze right now
and everyone else seems to have their ball of yarn or whatever
and im just standing there alone no one will help me

yes im fine it’s just that i feel like im going to die
right now
i am going to die
maybe that would be okay maybe everyone would be better off
with me dead

dont be sorry for me, maybe it’s good no one will help me
find my way
i ******* deserve this

maybe we’d be alright 6.1.25 (5:00 pm / 17:00)
oh but maybe,
maybe
maybe
maybe if i hadn’t changed it all
maybe if i’d made some other call
maybe if i hadn’t let you fall

maybe we’d be alright