one thing and then the other 6.4.25 (8:00 pm) / 20:00)
sometimes i wonder-
well
so many things
a lot really

is betrayal just a metaphor?
for what, honestly, i’m falling apart
i can barely tell what i feel like anymore
sad? happy? one thing and then the other

i’m not in control anymore
i’m a control freak, yes
i can’t stand not knowing what happens next
i’m afraid

maybe i’m spiraling down
or maybe i’m standing on regular ground?
maybe i’m falling falling falling
or maybe you’re holding me up?

maybe everything is breaking shattering broken
or it could be all fine?

maybe i’m laughing maybe i’m smiling
maybe i’m crying maybe my tears are flooding
the floor and drowning me
maybe i’m happy.

i really don’t know

paper crane 5.23.25 (7:21 pm / 19:21)
i’m like a paper crane
that my own fingers folded
shaky and bent and wrong

on peach paper i cut and cut to pieces
until the crane
that broken bird
is gone

it hurts to **** it
but i feel better after,
is that wrong?

really sad 6.27.25 (1:07 pm / 13:07)
i'm sad
really sad

once i said that to my kindergarten teacher
she just said
oh honey it'll be okay
i believed her, but look at me now

i'm sad because i feel like i've lost so many people
every time i'm hopeful it'll be different
every time they leave it's all my fault
my fault my fault my fault

i'm sad because being sad consumes me
makes it my whole self
like sometimes i think i'm not just depressed
but actually depressive
as in i make everyone around me sad too

is there another word for sad?
please
i need it

[playing: its ok i'm ok by tate mcrae]

does our distance make you sad? 6.29.25 (6:45 pm / 18:45)
does our distance make you sad
or are you just forgetting

do you remember those days we had
sitting next to each other
small and smiling
carefree

do you remember meeting me
kindergarten classroom
i kind of don't
it seems so long ago
but i remember we were instant friends

do you remember every day
when i came into the classroom, always later than you
we'd run up and hug each other

do you remember how we loved each other

you act like you've forgotten
you act like we were never friends

love i know we were broken apart
but is that a reason to forget me?

i remember you
oh, you

[playing: somewhere over the rainbow - live from manchester by ariana grande]

untitled 6.29.25 (6:34 pm / 18:34)
i'll listen when you talk
when you laugh
scream
cry

i want to listen to your words i want to hear you
i don't want you to be forgotten
i can't even bear the idea

when you're sad i want to hold you
tell you it'll be okay
tell you you can trust me

tell you i'd never leave

you are just so beautiful
the kind where i keep stealing glances at you
when i think you won't notice
because of course i don't have a chance

i can't imagine how i lived twelve years without you
maybe i didn't

i could go on and on and on
sweetheart
i wanted to say i love you

these words 7.7.25 (8:05 pm / 20:05)
these words are all i could get out today
i really thought i had more to say

no one ever told me 6.24.25 (4:21 pm / 16:21)
why is it that no one ever prepares you
no one ever thinks you might come to a place like this
that you'll stray off the path and be drawn to the darkest corners of the forest

no one ever explains to you how sadness works
how it clings to you
and you can never shake it off
how it hides and then snaps its teeth bites you
when you dare to be happy

no one ever warns you about panic attacks
how you'll suddenly be dying dying dying
breath gone

no one ever tells you about the dark
how it consumes you
and becomes you
how you become empty
gone
alone

no one every tells you how to be okay
how to stop wanting oblivion death nothing
how to stop cutting
how to be happy

or it seems at least no one ever told me

[playing: second guessing by alina]

beautiful 6.24.25 (4:42 pm / 16:42)
sometimes the world is terrible
horrible and ugly and disgusting

sometimes
rarely
it's beautiful

[playing: sunshine by rainbow frog biscuits and heaven by clairo]

i’m in love with you 5.22.25 (6:46 pm / 18:46)
oh my god it's a revelation
oh my god how did i not realize before

oh my god i’m in love with you

oh my god your hair and your face
and your lopsided daisy crowns
and your pony-bead bracelets
oh my god, i’m in love with you

oh my god you with your brown eyes and matching braids
you with your sunlight smile
you you you
it’s always been you how did i not see it?

yes you
i’m in love with you

[playing: sofia by clairo (again)]

favoritism 6.28.25 (7:05 pm / 19:05)
you love him more
just admit it

i'm always the problem
someone you fight about when you think i'm asleep
someone you are sweet to when people are watching
but you scream at behind doors
someone you are always angry at never smiling
you leave when i come in a room

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i wish you would just tell me how to be better
how to be the daughter you wanted
i wish you would tell me how to fix this
instead of shouting all i did wrong
don't you see i've already told myself?

i just wish you would just admit it
instead of pretending

ruined things 6.27.25 (1:15 pm / 13:15)
i hope there are still beautiful things
in this ruined world

but how can i tell you
never give up
when i am giving up
giving out
just another ruined thing

[playing: we never dated by sombr and lemon boy by cavetown]

you 6.1.25 (5:03 pm / 17:03)
i want to know you
the way the sun knows the moon
i want to lend you all my light
and hold you close and keep you forever
until you tire of me and want me to go

i’ll let you because i know that someday it’ll happen

i want to be wanted like this wanted
because you found me and lost me
and held me and let me go and saved me
over and over and over i’d choose you

over and over and over i’d want you

i want to be strong but i cant

it's true 6.29.25 (10:10 am / 10:10)
its true very true
you never miss someone as much as you do
when they are
gone

thank you 6.21.25 (8:42 pm / 20:42)
i think i made someone's day happier today

i don't think you have any idea how wonderful that is
the feeling that instead of ruining something like i always do
i made it better
you'll never know how happy that made me
to realize i could help someone else be happy too

she said i was a star
the kind that comes out from behind clouds
on a too-dark night

i have never been told anything more beautiful

all the stars are on your side, liana
thank you

second chances 6.27.25 (3:24 pm / 15:24)
i know i deserve this
i know i did this to myself

but is a second ******* chance so much to ask for

carry on 5.7.25 (3:39 pm)
sure, maybe everything is going wrong
it’s always been ****** up
i was just too busy to notice

but we’ve always got to carry on
carry on,
carry on, hold your baggage close
hold a suitcase full of memories
wear a backpack full of grief
they might hurt your shoulders for now
but these kinds of things make you stronger

carry on,
carry the ones you love with you
carry on, always carry on

maybe you’ve lied
and maybe you’ll lie again
but we can forget and carry on

maybe you’ve betrayed me
and maybe you will again
but i can forgive
and carry on

carry on
because what else can we do?

[playing: imperfect for you by ariana grande]

7.6.25 (7:05 pm / 19:05)
in the most honest of ways
you deserve so much ******* better
than me

every possibility 5.19.25 (7:55 pm)
if i told you i loved you
what would you do

would you scream at me
how could i ruin this
would you cry
because i’ve been trying to be someone else
would you just sit there
would you hold me
would you tell me bye

in every possibility i have in my head
you don’t love me back
so i know it can’t be possible

seasonal depression 6.20.25 (4:30 pm / 16:30)
summer makes me sad this year
i can’t remember if it’s always been this way
i feel empty without school even though that’s what made me like this

pointless without some kind of schedule and goal
it’s so peaceful now
but i’m alone with my thoughts
even this sadness is wrong
most people are more depressed in the winter
or so they say

i stopped drawing and my sketchbook is full of poems
in dying pen

summer makes me sad this year
the way i’ve changed so much i can’t even remember how i was
before

[playing: rocket ships by cavetown]

goodbyes 6.17.25 (8:32 pm / 10:32)
goodbyes are never really slammed doors
they’re slipping away
walking away
willingly even though you still can’t understand why

they’re looking back over your shoulder
knowing that is the last you’ll ever see of them

goodbyes for me are never crying
just standing there
staring ahead with dry eyes
wondering what just happened

maybe i’m saying goodbye wrong

[playing: marjorie by taylor swift]

drowning 6.20.25 (3:39 / 15:39)
drowning drowning drowning
flailing failing failure to surface on an endless
sea
of sad dark and death it’s all in my head i think
i think yes i’m right for once
it’s all in my mind and nothing is real
except the dark

drowning drowning can’t breathe
i’m going to die
g a s p  of  a i r
it’s momentarily bright
and then i sink
back
under
the sea

i don't know 6.28.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i don't know how else to do this
i don't know any other ways to bear it
i don't know how to feel better

i only needed pain i could understand
i only wanted to know why i was hurting
please
it's not my fault

is it?

clair de lune 6.9.25 (7:13 pm / 19:13)
i never knew how lonely it could be
to sleep alone
i never knew how scared i would be
it’s pathetic, i know

but i’ve known you all your life
and you almost all of mine
i never knew how afraid i’d be without you

last night i held the moonlight in my hands
letting it drip through my fingers
and watching your empty bed

last night i read a ****** mystery
and then stayed up
you were not there, you were not sleeping with me
like my guardian angel

i never knew how much i could want you back
my moonlight

[playing: r.e.m. by ariana grande]

it’s too late 6.17.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i can still hear your voice
still in my head
you said ‘god bless you’
you held out your hands

i’m sorry for all the things i did
i can’t imagine how it must be for you

i’m sorry i left you there
i’m sorry didn’t try to help
i’m sorry it’s far too late

i’m sorry for you and all those who carry your name
pain is universal,
i’m sorry i drew borders,
i’m sorry i didn’t know

i’m sorry i left you sitting in a wheelchair
in front of the stores
i’m sorry i left you for you to leave us

today my mother said she saw you
all the way downtown
hanging with the people doing drugs
i’m sorry

because you were one more person
really not to different from me
who could have been saved
if only
if only

we were a bit kinder

i guess it’s way too late

[playing (idk why): what dreams are made of - ballad version by paolo and isabella from the lizzie mcguire movie]

sadness 6.9.25 (7:04 pm / 19:04)
sitting   h e r e
in the dark
i can feel her presence
sadness is a strange all consuming friend.
she takes all of your time
she feeds off of your happiness

i know how this goes, this is how it is with me and friends
but
this is something else

she sits by your side while you cry in the unlit room
she brushes out your hair and whispers nonsense in your ears
until you stop breathing hard
and your heart stops beating fast

until you stop breathing
and your heart stops beating

sadness will not stop you when you drag razors across your arms
sadness will not care when you hold her, she will not hug you back
but at least she won’t be afraid
at least she’ll never leave

she holds out your hand
for you to take
and she crushes your fingers
pushing you back down to the ground

sadness is a fickle friend
but she’ll always make sure you’re never alone

playing: yours by conan gray

untitled 2 6.20.25 (3:46 pm / 15:46)
you said
i want to make her cry
PLEASE
i haven’t cried for real in so long