I don’t know how
To make my mistakes
Into something beautiful.
I only see them
As ugly scars
That mark my skin,
Like a roadmap
Of all my failures.
I’m all or nothing
And it’s dangerous.
If something’s wrong
I want to change it all
Not just the one thing.
I want to light a match
Burn the world to the ground
And start again.
A new canvas,
With freshly poured paint.
I destroy works of art
With a simple press of a key
Then I lose all hope
And abandon the idea all together.
Leaving it to shrivel
And die.
This is what I’m good at.

I haven’t slept
Because I keep having dreams
Of people I’d rather not see.
So here I am
At 2AM,
Completely exhausted,
And scared
Of the one thing
That used to comfort me.

— brother —

I am normally a logical person.
I find comfort in explanations
And reasons.
But my mind and my thoughts,
They are not logical.
They are all,
Emotional.
So when you attempt
To belittle them -
With your facts and opinions,
Acting as if I should just
Restructure my mind
In under a second -
You belittle me.
Because I am my thoughts,
And my thoughts are me.

The wind bites through my clothing
Regardless of the amount of layers
I wear.
I feel the chill on my skin
And on my bones.
I feel the chill
On my soul,
Numbing my core
But not enough.
My body might lay stiff
And frozen
But my mind-
My mind runs a marathon
Panting and heaving
Going for gold.
The tears freeze to my ducts
And my screams.
My screams are hollow
And empty.

My entire life,
I have been waiting.
For years,
Almost two decades now
I have been waiting.
Waiting,
For the better parts.
Waiting,
For the “soon”.
Waiting,
For my life to begin.
Because,
I don’t feel like I have lived.
In the nearly twenty years
I have been alive
And breathing
I do not feel
In any of those years
That I have been alive.
I don’t feel like a single breath
That I have taken
Has been real.
I feel as if
All these years
I’ve been stuck
Behind a window
Watching as my life unfolds
Before me.
I feel that
I have had
Zero control.
That I am in the backseat
Letting someone else drive.
That someone else,
Is writing on the pages
Of MY life.
But no more.
I will break that window,
I will take that wheel,
And I will write
My own pages.
My life has begun,
And now -
I’m in control.

The petals drift
And lay down
Gently
Beside my feet
And my tears -
That are crashing,
Violently,
To the ground.

The steps you take
Away from me
Are an echo
Of the pulse
Inside my veins.
Your footsteps fade
And with you
Goes my heart.

Leaving me broken
And empty.
Leaving me as only a husk
Of the person
I used to be
Before I loved you.
And before my love
For you
Destroyed me.

I don't know
How to swim.
But I do know
How to drown.

I woke
From a fitful sleep
Where I dreamt
You had died.
You took your final sip of poison
And with its glisten
Still on your lips
You told me that you’d be ok.
But your next breath,
It never came.
You disappeared
Right in front of me.
You sank into the ground,
Swallowed whole by the earth.
You returned to dust
That clouded my path
And I no longer knew
Which way to go.

The room spins
And my head feels
Disconnected.
I’m falling to the ground,
Through the ground.
My world shatters around me
And I watch
As the pieces of me
Drift too close to the sun
And burn.
Like Icarus with his wings,
They melt away into nothing
And I’m left falling.
I have nothing to hold onto
And no ground to keep me steady.
All I can do is fall.
Fall into nothingness
And be swallowed whole
By the void.

I’ve been here before.
I know how this story ends.
I know you will destroy me
And I know
How pointless it is
To try and fight.
I am powerless
In the face
Of my own emotions.
They are a poison
That is slowing killing me
From within.
They leave me sprawled out,
Feeling paralyzed and numb.
The only hope I have
Is maybe you
Will **** me fast
Instead of drawing out
My inevitable demise.

Your hands felt like sandpaper
Against the softness
Of my skin
But I convinced myself
That the discomfort
And your pitiful displays
Of love and affection
We’re better than nothing -
Better than the emptiness I felt
Whenever I was alone.
But while I was telling myself
That I loved you
And we could last forever,
You were using those rough hands
To smooth out the edges
That you decided were too sharp.
You attempted to mold
And shape me
Into someone that
I no longer recognized
And disliked more
Than the girl I was before.
The worst part
Was that I allowed it to happen.
I played my part,
Letting your cruel touch
And all the lies,
That you always spoke,
Melt me.
Turning me into the putty
You played with
And stretched way too thin.
But you slipped up,
And exposed the skeletons
You kept hidden away.
I finally came to my senses,
Opening my eyes to the blinding truth
Of who you are
And what I have allowed you
To do to my life
And to my soul.
I was gone,
Before you even knew
What was happening.
I stripped every aspect of you
Out of my life
And washed myself clean,
Scrubbing the memory of your touch
Off of my skin.
I have repaired
Every piece of myself
That you tore down
And sharpened all my edges
And I have never shed
A single tear
To mourn the loss of you.
Because by losing you,
I found something
So much better.
I found myself,
And she’s so much more beautiful
And amazing
Than I ever thought possible.

My head bobs above water
For just a moment
And I gasp for air.
Every lungful is a second
I don’t think of you.
But then a current
Pushes me back under
And you wrap me back up
Into your chilling hold
And draw me to the ocean floor.
You know I can’t swim.
You know I’m afraid
Of what’s under
These deep blue waves.
So why do you persist?
Why do you anchor me
To one of my greatest fears?
The only answer I can reason with
Is that you want to see me hurt
The same way you claim
That I hurt you.

I’m standing here
Naked and bare
To you
And to the world.
I haven’t been ready.
I’ve been dancing in meadows
With my eyes shut tight
And covering myself
In hand-me-down clothes.
But I’m not dancing anymore.
I’ve shed the scraps
Of ripped up cloth
And my skin
Along with them.
My eyes are open.
I’m listening now.
I’m ready to see
What you have
To show me.
I’m ready to hear
What you have
To tell me.

I see maps
And roadways
In everything.
In the scars
And all the marks
Upon my skin.
In the veins on my arms,
In the lines on my palms,
And in my eyes
When I stare into a mirror.
But these paths,
Where do they all lead?
Where is it  
I am meant to go?
Where is it
I am meant to be?

Have kindness
And confidence.
Don’t forget to smile,
Laugh,
And have fun.
And remember
To always be happy
Even if
You’re not
Because everyone you love
Is depending
On you.

A slow fall,
A skydiver
Without a parachute.
A straight plunge,
A meteorite
Crashing to the ground
Engulfed in flames.
What will it be,
This time around?
Will it drag me down slowly,
And force me to watch
My own self destruction?
Will it grab on
And force me down
In a moment
That’s faster than a blink?
So abrupt,
That it takes me a moment
To understand
Exactly what happened
When I wake up
Surrounded by the wreckage?

I put on a brave face
And smile.
I tell the world
We will never happen again.
I laugh
About the idea of us
Together again.
I say no,
No more.
But I know
If you said the right words
And gave me that smile -
The one you used to give me
Where your eyes
Sparkled like stars
And I could see your love for me
In the wrinkles beside your eyes -
I know
My heart would bend
Until it breaks
And all of my feelings for you
Would come gushing forth
Like water freed
From a broken dam.
I know
If you said to me,
I love you,
I would say it back.
I would close my eyes
To all the pain
You have caused me
And I would go off
Blissfully
Into the night
With my arm,
In your arm
And my heart
In your hands
Ready to be broke
Once again.

I have so many things to say.
So many things I want to say,
So many things I need to say.
But when I try to say them,
All the things come out at once
And it just doesn’t make sense.
Nothing makes sense.
Not even to me
And they’re my thoughts.
They’re my words –
My attempted words –
And they don’t even make sense to me.
So how do I say
What I need to say
When I don’t even know
What it is
That I need to say?

I have shed
My shattered armor
And cast aside
My fractured shield.
Both became burdens
Too heavy for me to carry.
Instead of hiding away
From the darkness
And the turmoil of the world,
I have pulled the sword
From the stone
And I have mastered
My own form of magic.
Now I wield both,
To slay the real monsters
And befriend my dragons.
I am the damsel
Who saved herself.
I am the queen
Who knows her worth.
I am my own fairytale
And happy ever after.

We're big city souls
Stranded in a small town.
We're surrounded
By those that
Don't understand
Or try to understand
Who we are.

We find solace
In music
And long drives
In the dead of night
Feeling like we could
Run away
If we wanted.

We're all waiting.
Waiting for the day
When freedom is
A possibility
So we can spread our wings
And find
A place to belong.

My mind descends
Into the whirlwind of mania
Enslaving me to its whims.
No matter how drained
My spirit may be
I cannot seek rest
For it is a stranger to me.
I’ve been tired for hours,
Maybe even years.
But even if I lay like a corpse,
Still and silent,
Barely even breathing,
I remain awake.
No matter how heavy
My eyelids become
Or how sluggish
My thoughts are,
Sleep
Seems to always evade me.

I sit on the rooftop
Not two feet away from the edge.
Not two feet away from a release
So sweet
I can taste candy
On my tongue.
From the Siren’s song
Playing in my head
So clearly
That I hum along.
I feel temptation’s kiss
On my lips –
So soft
Softer than any man before.
But even as I look down
At the concrete and grass below
That beckons me closer
Into their warm embrace –
I turn away.
Because the unknown
After that leap
Terrifies me more
Than tomorrow
Or the day after that.

I thought your heart
Still beat in time with mine
But the last rose
From the bouquet you gave me
Was wilted and dying.
I ignored the signs.
I ignored the sound
Of your heart
Finding a new rhythm —
It’s own rhythm.
Our story is over.
The song has elapsed,
The curtain has fallen,
The book has been closed
And you are gone.
Moved on.
Intrigued by something —
By someone —
New.
Now I’m alone
And I feel
...nothing.

You're like watching the sun
Rise again,
Painting the sky in beautiful hues
Of red and gold,
Reminding me there's hope
For a beauty in a dark world.
You're a new blanket,
Soft and warm,
That wraps around me
Like a hug
From someone I love.
You're the smell of cinnamon
During the holidays
That brings me home.
You're the taste of refreshing mint
That dulls my senses
And calms my nerves.
You're the sound of rain
That lulls me to sleep
Like a baby
And a mother's song.
You're a new smile
And a new laugh.
You're a new breath,
A new day,
A new dream,
And a new hope.

My thoughts come to me differently.
They find me in the form of riddles
And the form of prose.
Both of which I must pull apart
And study each piece separately
Before I can finally be sure of their meaning.
As if I am 16 again,
Sitting in my high school English class
Debating the meaning of a newly introduced piece of literature,
The only student in the room
Who truly cared
If the author colored the curtain blue
Due to an emotional turmoil he faced
Or simply because he fancied the color.
Because studying the work of literature greats
Who have long since passed from this world
Offers me the smallest sliver of hope
That I might be able decode my own turmoils
And be able to truly face them
Instead of running and hiding
When my mind once again becomes a whirlwind of unintelligible monstrosities
Made of my deeply hidden fears
And hopes that I can’t bear to look at in the light of day.